Empty Nest Syndrome: The Gap Left at Home and in the Marriage When Children Leave

What is empty nest syndrome and what are its signs? Read about the sense of emptiness when children leave home, its effect on marriage and ways to adjust.

At the end of September you settled your daughter into her university in Erzurum. You arranged her halls room together, put up the curtains, hugged her one last time and got on the coach. When you got home, on the first night you could not bring yourself to open the door to her room. In the morning you noticed you had laid breakfast for three and stopped. Weeks have passed, but that indefinable emptiness inside you has not gone away. The experience of having the parenting role that sat at the centre of your life for years suddenly change is called empty nest syndrome. In this article we look at what this feeling is, in whom it is felt more intensely, how it affects marriage and how it is possible to adjust to this new stage of life.

What Is Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty nest syndrome is a concept describing the sadness, loneliness, sense of meaninglessness and loss that parents experience after their children leave home. It can arise when children go to another city for university, marry, move for work or settle abroad.

One important point needs underlining here: this concept is not a diagnosis of a mental disorder. It describes a natural reaction to a normal and expected life transition. Seeing your child grow up and build their own life is a source of pride on the one hand, while on the other it requires accepting that a chapter has closed. These two feelings can be experienced at the same time and do not cancel each other out.

Most parents adjust to the new arrangement within a few weeks or a few months. In some cases, however, this transition can be harder and can turn into long-lasting unhappiness, hopelessness or symptoms of depression.

Signs of Empty Nest Syndrome

Every parent experiences this period differently. Common emotional and behavioural signs include:

• Deep sadness and longing: Your eyes filling with tears as you look at your child's room, going back to old photos often, feeling sad when you cook the dishes they love.
• A sense of meaninglessness: Questions such as "Who am I of use to now?" and "What will I fill my days with?"
• Anxiety and a need for control: Calling your child several times a day, worrying when a message does not get an immediate reply, constantly wondering where they are and who they are with.
• Restlessness and irritability: Getting angry more easily with your spouse or with other children still at home.
• Social withdrawal: Giving up seeing friends and activities you used to enjoy.
• Physical symptoms: Irregular sleep, changes in appetite, tiredness.
• Questioning your identity: A sense of not knowing who you are outside being a "mum" or "dad".

Some of these signs may be intense in the first weeks and ease over time. If the signs last for months and clearly make daily life harder, it can be helpful to see a professional.

Who Experiences Empty Nest Syndrome More Intensely?

Not every parent is affected with the same intensity when their children leave home. Some factors can make this period more challenging.

Those who have built their identity largely on parenting

For parents who devoted their years to childcare and put their own career or interests on the back burner, especially mothers who worked as homemakers, a child leaving can mean the centre of daily life becoming empty. "What will I do all day?" is a very concrete question for these parents.

Other changes coinciding with the same period

The period when children leave home often coincides with their parents reaching midlife. Changes such as the menopause, retirement, the ageing or loss of one's own parents and physical health problems may all be happening at the same time. These transitions piling up on top of one another increases the emotional load. Our article on menopause and mental health offers more detailed information about the effects of the menopause on mood.

Families with one child or one parent

For parents who have an only child or who raised their child on their own, the separation can feel sharper, because there is no one else left at home to share closeness with.

Couples with distance in their marriage

Couples who have lived for years in a child-centred arrangement and neglected their relationship with each other may experience the strangeness of being left alone together once the children have gone.

The child leaving suddenly or in difficult circumstances

The child moving abroad, marrying without the family's approval, leaving home after a conflict or settling in a very distant city can make the separation harder to accept.

Marriage in the Empty Nest Period

Children leaving home is both a test and an opportunity for a marriage. Couples who for years stood together as "mum" and "dad" now have to discover how they will stand together again as "spouses".

Difficulties that may arise

• Not finding anything to talk about: Couples whose conversations have long revolved around the children, school and household chores may sink into silence over dinner.
• Postponed problems coming to the surface: Resentments that were put on hold with "Let the children grow up, then we'll talk" can no longer be ignored.
• Different speeds of grieving: One spouse may get through this period more quickly while the other stays sad for a long time. This can lead to reproaches such as "You don't care at all" or "Let it go now."
• Role uncertainty: A new arrangement needs to be built around how the household runs, shared time and personal space.

Let's say that in a thirty-year marriage the last child has also moved to Istanbul for work. At dinner the spouses sit opposite each other; apart from the sound of the television, there is not a sound in the house. While one thinks "What did we use to talk about?", the other takes this silence as a kind of accusation. In moments like these, one spouse saying "Let's go down to the seafront tomorrow, we haven't been for years" can be a small but important beginning. Becoming close again often starts not with big conversations but with small new things done together.

Opportunities that may arise

• Being able to spend more time together and discover shared interests,
• Bringing to life the trips, hobbies and projects postponed for years,
• Spouses getting to know each other again and refreshing the relationship,
• The household routine becoming calmer and more flexible.

If you are wondering how routine can be revitalised in a marriage that has lasted many years, our article on routine in marriage may give you some ideas.

When children leave, it is not only a room that empties; the role that filled that room for years is also waiting to be redefined.

What Can Help You Cope with Empty Nest Syndrome?

Allow yourself your feelings

Feeling sadness, longing and even grief is a natural part of this transition. Rather than belittling your feelings with words such as "What's the big deal, the child has just gone off to study", accepting and sharing them makes healing easier. Talking with your spouse, a friend or other parents going through the same period makes you feel you are not alone.

Build a new communication rhythm with your child

Keeping your bond with your child is of course important; but frequent, control-focused contact can make it harder for them to become independent and can create tension in the relationship. Setting a communication rhythm together can help: for example, a few short messages during the week and a longer video call at the weekend. Listening with curiosity to what your child tells you about their own life creates more closeness than questioning them.

Create a daily structure

Days that were shaped around the children's school hours, meals and needs can suddenly become shapeless. Building a new daily routine for yourself, such as a morning walk, an activity at set times or a weekly get-together, reduces the sense of emptiness.

Balance expectations about grandchildren and family

Some parents think they will fill this emptiness when their children marry and have grandchildren, and voice these expectations often. This expectation can put pressure on the children. Not tying the meaning of your own life to your children's decisions brings relief to both you and them.

Return to your postponed interests

What are the things you said "One day, if I have the time..." about? A language course, handicrafts, gardening, a choir, sport, a reading group, volunteering... Courses at public education centres, municipal social activities and local associations can be good starting points for this period.

Revive your social circle

Friendships neglected while the children were at home can be strengthened again during this period. Call old friends, get to know your neighbours, join settings where you can meet new people. Sharing experiences with other mothers and fathers going through the same period lets you see how normal your feelings are.

Invest in your relationship with your spouse

Trying something new together, for example a walking group, a dance class or a short city break, can bring new energy into the relationship. Setting aside one evening a week to be spent "without talking about the children" can also open up new areas of conversation.

Ask yourself "Who am I now?"

This period is an opportunity to rediscover your identity. Outside being a parent, what roles, values and dreams do you have? What kind of life do you want to live over the next ten years? Putting these questions in writing can help you set a new direction.

Don't rush to decide what happens to the room

Some parents cannot touch their child's room at all, while others start using it for another purpose straight away. Both reactions are understandable. When deciding when and how to change the room, taking into account both your own readiness and your child's feelings prevents unnecessary hurt.

Let's say your other child is still at home

Let's say your eldest has married but the youngest is still at secondary school. The empty nest feeling can arise in this case too; but care is needed. Filling the gap left by the eldest with excessive attention and control directed at the youngest can make their development harder. Noticing your own feelings and sharing them with adults lightens the load on the child still at home.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It is important to see a mental health professional in the following situations:

• If feelings of sadness, emptiness or hopelessness have lasted for months and are not easing,
• If you are struggling to do your daily tasks, look after yourself or leave the house,
• If your sleep and appetite patterns are clearly disrupted,
• If your relationship with your child has become strained because of excessive control or anxiety,
• If you are experiencing serious conflict or a deep distance in your relationship with your spouse,
• If thoughts that life is meaningless or that you do not want to live are crossing your mind.

If you are experiencing hopelessness about living or thoughts of harming yourself, call 112 (emergency services) without waiting. If symptoms of depression are to the fore, an assessment by a psychiatrist may also be needed.

How Is Empty Nest Syndrome Addressed in Therapy?

The empty nest period can be addressed individually or as a couple.

In individual work, room is made for sadness to be accepted as a natural part of loss and grief. With cognitive behavioural therapy techniques, thoughts such as "Nobody needs me any more" or "The happiest period of my life is over" are questioned and more balanced alternatives are developed. Through behavioural activation, activities that bring enjoyment and meaning to daily life are planned again. Work on identity and values helps to set a direction for this new stage of life.

In work as a couple, within the framework of couples therapy, how the spouses experience this period differently is discussed. Problems postponed for years can be addressed, communication skills are strengthened and the spouses are supported in creating a new shared life plan together.

The aim in therapy is not to bring back the past; it is to make the present and the future meaningful while carrying the longing for the past.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does empty nest syndrome last?

This varies from person to person. Many parents adjust to the new arrangement within a few weeks to a few months. Feelings can come in waves; they may intensify again during religious holidays, on birthdays or after a visit from the child. If the signs continue at the same intensity for a long time, getting support can be helpful.

Do fathers find this period hard too?

Yes. Although this is usually associated with mothers, fathers can also feel sadness, longing and meaninglessness during this period. Fathers may voice these feelings less and show them more through behaviours such as burying themselves in work, irritability or withdrawing into themselves.

Is it wrong to call my child every day?

Calling every day is not wrong in itself; what matters is whether this contact suits both your needs and your child's. If your child feels overwhelmed by frequent calls, or if you feel intense anxiety when a message does not arrive, you could consider setting a more balanced rhythm together.

When the children left, I realised our marriage was over. What should I do?

This realisation can be frightening; but it is often a sign that the relationship has been neglected for years, not necessarily that it is over. Talking openly with your spouse about these feelings and, if necessary, exploring them together with a professional can help you see whether the relationship can be revived.

• #parenting
• #life transitions
• #marriage
• #midlife

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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