Is staying together for the kids really best for them? Learn how the emotional climate at home affects children and what you can do whichever you choose.
"I gave up on this marriage long ago, but I don't want the children to grow up without their father." The person who says this is usually exhausted, feels guilty and has no one to ask whether the decision is right. Staying together for the kids is a decision that many mothers and fathers in Turkey make quietly. Sometimes it is a genuinely considered sacrifice; sometimes it is a postponement in which fears, financial hardship and the worry of "what will people say" are covered over with the children as the reason. In this article we will not tell you to stay or to go. Instead, we will look at what children really feel at home, the conditions under which staying can be protective and those under which it can be harmful, and what you can do for your children in either case.
Staying Together for the Kids: Where Does the Decision Come From?
The reasons parents give for remaining in an unhappy marriage are not all the same. The first step in understanding your own decision is to be able to see the thoughts that feed it one by one.
Wanting to protect the child
This is the reason we hear most often: the child should not be split between two homes, should not travel back and forth with a suitcase every weekend, should not be talked about at school as the one "whose parents split up." There is real love in this wish, and it should not be belittled.
Traces of your own childhood
Someone who grew up in a divorced family and remembers that period with pain may feel they could put up with anything rather than put their own child through the same. Conversely, someone whose parents lived for years in cold silence "for the children" may fall into the same cycle even though they know its cost. Sometimes today's decision is really a response to an old wound.
Financial dependence and uncertainty
At a time when rents are so high, setting up two separate homes is a real obstacle, especially for the spouse who has no income or a low one. The sentence "I'm staying for the children" is sometimes a more bearable version of "I have nowhere to go." Being able to say this honestly to yourself is nothing to be ashamed of; on the contrary, it is the beginning of making a realistic plan.
The voice of those around you
Sayings such as "grow old on the same pillow," "nobody in our family gets divorced" or "let the children grow up first, then see" can blur how much of the decision truly belongs to you.
Do Children Notice Unhappiness at Home?
Many parents believe their children do not understand anything because the arguments happen behind closed doors. Yet children are far better emotional detectives than adults imagine. They register the sentences left unsaid at the dinner table, the tension in their mother's voice, their father retreating to another room when he gets home. They cannot name these things, but they respond with their bodies and their behaviour.
Let's say a seven-year-old girl goes to her room and closes the door every evening when she hears her father's key in the lock. Nobody has told her there will be an argument; but she has learned that the sound of the key changes the atmosphere of the house. Or a twelve-year-old boy, the day after he saw his mother crying, says "my stomach hurts" at school and asks to go home.
Children living in an unhappy home may show:
- Sleep problems, waking in the night, being unable to sleep alone
- Physical complaints with no medical explanation, such as stomach aches or headaches
- Trying hard to be an overly compliant child who "never causes trouble"
- Angry outbursts, aggression towards siblings or peers
- Protecting one parent, becoming their confidant or comforter
- A drop in school performance, difficulty concentrating
These signs do not have to be caused by tension at home, and on their own they do not amount to a diagnosis. But if there has been a coldness in the home for a long time, it is worth considering the child's behaviour in that light as well.
Children do not experience whether their parents are married; they experience whether they feel safe inside the home.
When Can Staying Together for the Kids Be Protective, and When Can It Be Harmful?
Research shows that what affects children most is not so much the divorce itself as intense and ongoing conflict between their parents. This finding has to be read in both directions.
When staying may be relatively protective: If there is no open fighting, contempt or violence between the parents; if the problem is more a matter of distance, lost passion or routine; if both partners can cooperate where the children are concerned and still respect each other, then staying married can offer children meaningful stability. In marriages like these, the relationship may even come back to life.
When staying may be harmful: If the home is often full of shouting, slammed doors and days of not speaking; if one partner belittles the other in front of the children; if a child is trying to protect one parent from the other's anger; if there is physical or emotional violence in the home, then staying together for the kids may mean keeping them in a constant atmosphere of threat rather than protecting them.
There is also a situation in between: marriages that look calm from the outside but are hollow inside. Homes where nobody shouts, but nobody touches, laughs or talks at the table either. In these homes a child may not find an example of what love and closeness look like. We discuss this picture separately in our article on emotional divorce.
If there is violence, safety comes first
If there is physical violence, threats or intense fear in the home, "staying for the children" does not protect them. In such a situation, call 112 (emergency services) in an emergency, and you can seek information and support from ALO 183 (Turkey's social support hotline) and from the Violence Prevention and Monitoring Centre (ŞÖNİM) in your province.
Why Is "Putting Up With It for the Children" So Common in Turkey?
In Turkey a marriage is formed not only between two people but between two families. That is why ending it is also seen as a matter involving two families. A paternal grandmother steps in for fear of being separated from her grandchildren; a maternal grandmother offers herself as an example: "I put up with your father too." Especially in smaller towns, a divorced mother can still be a figure people talk about in the neighbourhood and among other parents at school.
On top of this come economic realities. For a mother who does not work or who works informally, uncertainty about maintenance payments, rent, the school bus and private tutoring costs can overshadow the decision. Fathers, for their part, often stay out of fear that custody will go to the mother and they will only see their children every other weekend.
All of this is understandable. But it is important to distinguish which of these pressures reflect your own true values and which reflect other people's expectations. Because years from now, when your children are grown, the sentence "I stayed for you" may feel to them less like a gift and more like a debt.
If You Have Decided to Stay: Making Home More Liveable for the Children
If staying together for the kids has been weighed up as a decision, it is possible to turn it from passive endurance into a conscious agreement.
1. Make an open "parenting agreement" with your spouse
Even if the romantic relationship has weakened, the parenting partnership can be strong. On a calm evening, sit down and talk through these questions: Which subjects will we not raise in front of the children? How will we postpone a disagreement when one comes up? How will we make decisions about school, pocket money and screen time?
2. Do not use the child as a go-between
Sentences such as "Tell your father dinner is ready" or "What is your mother saying now?" turn the child into a messenger between the two sides. When a child becomes one parent's confidant against the other, they end up carrying a burden that is not appropriate for their age.
3. Focus on repairing conflict rather than hiding it completely
Witnessing an argument does not always harm a child; the harm comes from arguments that never get resolved or that turn into violence. If a child has witnessed tension, saying later, "Our voices got loud yesterday, and we're sorry if that frightened you. We've talked about it, and none of it is your fault," is very valuable to them.
4. Do not put your own life on hold
Many people who stay in an unhappy marriage also give up their friendships, hobbies and health. Yet a burned-out parent struggles to be an adult who gives their child a sense of security. Having a space of your own, even if only a few hours a week, is necessary for this decision to be sustainable.
5. Reassess the decision at regular intervals
Rather than setting a distant date such as "until the children go to university" and never questioning it for years, you can ask yourself once a year: Is this home safer or tenser for my children right now? Who am I becoming in this home?
6. Think about the relationship model your child sees
Children see the first draft of the close relationships they will build later at home. A child who grows up in a home where their mother and father never thank each other and never laugh together may learn that love is something silent and distant. Even if romantic closeness has gone, treating each other with courtesy, keeping up small thank-yous and shared meals at religious holidays and birthdays gives the child the message that "people can respect each other even when they don't get along." This is a valuable lesson that parents who choose to stay can give their children.
If You Have Decided to Leave: Putting the Children at the Centre
When the decision to separate has been made, there is still a great deal that can be done for the children. Adjustment is easier when both parents explain the situation to the child together, in an age-appropriate way and without blame; when daily routines (school, bedtime, favourite activities) are kept as stable as possible; and when the child is allowed to maintain a relationship with both parents. Separation, when handled well, can be less damaging than leaving children in the middle of tension that lasts for years. If you are struggling to clarify the decision itself, our guide on deciding on divorce may help.
One of the most common mistakes after separation is running down the other parent in front of the child. Sentences such as "Your father never cared anyway" or "Your mother brought us to this" lead the child to feel bad about half of themselves as well. Not arguing on the doorstep on handover days, not interrogating the child about stories they bring back from the other home, and giving them a corner of their own in both homes all soften the marks of separation.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
If one or more of the following applies to you, talking to a professional may be helpful:
- You have been living with the question "should I stay or should I go" for years and the uncertainty is wearing you down
- You notice marked changes in your child's sleep, schooling or behaviour
- You and your spouse can no longer talk even about the children
- You are experiencing depressive symptoms such as hopelessness, constant tiredness, or changes in appetite or sleep
- There is violence or the threat of violence in the home (in this case a safety plan comes first)
If both partners are willing, couples therapy offers a shared space either to repair the relationship or to manage separation in a way that is less damaging for the children. If your spouse does not want to take part, individual sessions can also help you clarify your own needs and your decision.
How Is This Dilemma Addressed in Therapy?
The therapist's role is not to decide for you but to open up space so that you can make your decision consciously and in line with your own values.
Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the automatic thoughts steering the decision are examined: "If I divorce, I'll ruin my children's lives," "I could never support myself alone," "A good mother puts up with everything." Together, you look at what evidence these thoughts rest on and what fears feed them.
A schema therapy perspective helps in understanding why a person constantly puts their own needs last. Patterns such as self-sacrifice or approval-seeking can reveal that there is an older story behind the reason given about the children.
In couples sessions, the two parents' shared goals for their children are clarified, cycles of conflict are recognised and the possibility of repairing the relationship is assessed realistically. If the child is clearly struggling, space can also be made for the child to express their own feelings through age-appropriate methods such as play therapy.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does separation affect a child less when they are young or when they are older?
There is no answer to this that applies to every family; each age has its own challenges. What matters more than age is how the separation is handled, whether the child can keep their bond with both parents, and how long they witnessed conflict before the separation.
My child begs, "Please don't split up." What should I do?
This wish is completely natural, and it is important to take your child's feelings seriously. But responsibility for adults' decisions about their marriage should not be placed on the child. Giving them the message "This is our decision, as adults; whatever you feel, we will both go on loving you" prevents them from carrying guilt.
Is living separate lives under the same roof healthy for children?
Some couples choose, for financial or practical reasons, to live in the same home but in separate rooms. This arrangement can work for a while if clear rules have been set, conflict is low and both sides are respectful. But as the uncertainty drags on, children sense the tension; so it is necessary to discuss whether the arrangement is temporary or permanent and to give the child an explanation suited to their age.
If I choose to stay, should I tell my children about it later?
Even when said with good intentions, the sentence "I stayed for you" can make a child feel that their very existence was the reason for a sacrifice. If you want to talk to your adult children about your marriage, it is healthier to describe the decision as your own choice and not to place the responsibility on them.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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