How do you decide on divorce, and whether to stay or go? Read about why indecision happens, the questions to ask yourself and healthy steps towards a decision.
Some nights you think, "That's it, this marriage is over." The next morning you see your partner laughing with the children and tell yourself, "Maybe I'm overreacting." For months, sometimes years, you swing between these two thoughts. Deciding on divorce is one of the hardest decisions a person can face. It means reshaping not only a relationship but also a household routine, a shared history, dreams of the future and, very often, the lives of your children. This article will not tell you to "stay" or to "go." Instead, we will look at the psychological mechanisms that make deciding on divorce so difficult, the questions that can help you clarify your decision, and ways to move through this process more healthily, whichever direction you choose.
Why Is Deciding on Divorce So Hard?
Struggling to decide on divorce does not mean you are indecisive or weak. There are understandable psychological reasons behind the difficulty.
Fear of loss and uncertainty
The human mind often perceives uncertainty as more threatening than a pain it already knows. An unhappy marriage hurts, but it is familiar; life after divorce is full of unknowns. Where will I live, how will I make ends meet, how will my children be affected, will I end up alone? These questions can keep a person tied to the current situation.
The sunk cost fallacy
"I gave this marriage fifteen years, and if I leave now it will all have been for nothing" is a very common thought. In psychology this is called the sunk cost fallacy: allowing past investment to determine future decisions. Yet whatever you decide, those years remain a valuable part of your life.
Mixed emotions
It is possible to love someone and be unable to bear living with them at the same time. Anger, longing, guilt, tenderness and disappointment can all exist together. This emotional tangle makes a clear decision harder.
Social and family pressure
Although divorce has become easier to talk about in Turkey in recent years, it still carries a fear of stigma for many people. Thoughts such as "What will people say?", "I'll upset my family", "I must put up with it for the children" and "Divorce doesn't happen in our family" can make it harder to listen to your own needs.
Financial worries
Particularly in a period when the high cost of living is acutely felt, running two separate homes, paying rent and covering the children's expenses is a serious source of anxiety. For people with no income of their own, or a limited one, this worry makes the decision heavier still.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Deciding on Divorce
The questions below will not hand you a ready-made answer, but they can help you clarify your thoughts. We suggest answering them in writing, at a calm moment, over a few days.
The current state of the relationship
- What do I miss most in our marriage? How long has that been missing?
- What has gone well in our relationship over the past year?
- Have we really been able to talk about our problems, or do we keep circling the same argument?
- Can my partner and I still laugh together? Can I still feel tenderness towards them?
The possibility of change
- What have we tried together to resolve our problems? Have we sought professional support?
- Is my partner open to change? Am I?
- If my partner never changed at all, what would it be like for me to stay in this relationship for another five years?
My own part
- What might my contribution be to the problems in our marriage?
- Could some of my unhappiness come from factors outside the relationship (work stress, depression, financial difficulties, losses)?
Values and the future
- What do I value most in my life? Is this marriage in line with those values?
- Ten years from now, looking back on today's decision, how would I want to feel?
Safety
- Do I feel safe in this relationship?
- Am I afraid of my partner?
If your answers to these last two questions are "no" and "yes" respectively, this matter comes before all the others. We address this situation separately below.
Which Situations Are Serious Signs to Consider Divorce?
Every relationship is different, and it is impossible for an outsider to determine the "right decision." However, some situations call for a serious reassessment of the relationship:
- Physical, emotional, economic or sexual violence: In these cases, safety comes first.
- Constant humiliation and contempt: Relationships in which respect has been permanently lost deeply affect mental health.
- Repeated infidelity and breaches of trust: Especially where responsibility is not taken and no change is seen.
- Addiction: A partner who has an alcohol, substance or gambling addiction and refuses treatment.
- Long-term emotional disconnection: When neither side has the energy or the desire left to repair the relationship.
- Irreconcilable differences in core life values: When there is no longer any room for agreement on matters such as having children, where to live or lifestyle.
Safety comes first
If there is violence, threat or intense control in your marriage, it is important to plan the divorce decision, and the process of announcing it, carefully. The period of separation is a time when the risk can increase in violent relationships.
- In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).
- The ALO 183 Social Support Line (Turkey's social support hotline) provides information and guidance on violence and protective measures.
- The Violence Prevention and Monitoring Centre (ŞÖNİM) in your province can help with the protective measures and support services available under Law No. 6284.
- For women, the KADES app makes it easier to send an emergency call for help.
In this situation, before announcing your decision, it is important to inform people you trust, keep your important documents in a safe place and get advice from a lawyer.
Managing Indecision: Practical Steps
Indecision is exhausting in its own right. The steps below may help you bring a little order to your mind during this time.
1. Don't decide in a crisis
Decisions made after a big argument, in a moment of intense anger or disappointment, often end in regret. The opposite also holds: ignoring every problem after a lovely weekend. Think about important decisions at a time when your emotions are relatively calm. You might set yourself this rule: not to say anything definite about separation until at least a few days have passed after an argument. This waiting period is not about postponing the decision; it is about making sure that you make it, rather than your anger.
2. Keep a "decision journal"
For a few weeks, write short notes every day about what you feel and think regarding the relationship. At the end of each day, rate how you feel about the relationship from 0 to 10. Over time, these notes can reveal a general pattern beyond your momentary feelings. For example, you may see that your scores are almost always between 2 and 3, or that they fluctuate with particular events.
3. Draw a realistic picture of staying and of leaving
Divide a sheet of paper in two. On one side write "What would my life be like if I stayed?" and on the other "What would my life be like if I left?" Describe both scenarios, with their positive and negative sides, in as much concrete detail as you can: your mornings, your evenings, your relationship with the children, your finances, your social life. This exercise can reduce fear by making the uncertainty a little more tangible. As you read what you have written, also notice in which scenario you feel more relief and in which more constriction; your body's reaction may carry information that your thoughts overlook.
4. Set a "last attempt" period
For some couples, it can help to set a specific period (for example, a few months) in which a genuine effort is made to save the relationship. During this time both sides take concrete steps, begin couples therapy if necessary, and reassess at the end of the period. This approach lets you answer the question "Have I tried everything?" more clearly.
5. Gather information
Learning about the practical side of divorce (housing, livelihood, custody, division of property) reduces uncertainty. Getting information from a lawyer or from the legal aid offices of bar associations does not mean making a decision; it simply helps you understand your options better.
6. Take good care of yourself
A period of indecision can affect sleep, appetite and energy. During this time, regular sleep, nutrition, movement and time with people you trust are necessary for your mind to think more clearly.
To find the right decision, you first need to separate your own voice from the noise of your fears and other people's expectations.
How Should You Think About Divorce When There Are Children?
The idea of "putting up with it for the children" is one of the most important reasons why many people in Turkey put off divorce. Thinking of your children's wellbeing is of course very valuable. However, research shows that children are affected negatively less by divorce itself than by intense and ongoing conflict between parents. Growing up in a home where there is constant fighting and tension never lets up is hard on children too.
On the other hand, in low-conflict but emotionally distant marriages, parents making an effort to repair the relationship can be positive for children. In other words, what matters is less whether the marriage continues or ends than the emotional climate the children live in.
If the decision to divorce has been made, it is very important for both parents to tell the children about it together, in an age-appropriate way and without blame. Our articles on how to tell your child about divorce and co-parenting after divorce can guide you here.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Professional support can help at every stage of the decision to divorce:
- If you have been undecided for a long time and it is wearing you out
- If you want to be sure you have truly tried everything to save the relationship
- If conversations with your partner keep turning into fights
- If you are experiencing anxiety, sleeplessness, hopelessness or depressive symptoms
- If thoughts of harming yourself arise; in that case, seek support without delay and call 112 (emergency services) in an emergency
- If the decision to divorce has been made and you want to go through the process in a way that is less damaging for the children
Couples therapy offers a space, when both sides are willing, to repair the relationship or to handle the separation more respectfully. When your partner does not wish to take part, individual therapy can help you clarify your own feelings and needs.
How Is the Decision to Divorce Approached in Therapy?
The aim of therapy is not to steer a person towards a particular decision. The therapist stays neutral in the decision-making process and helps the person think more clearly about their own values, needs and options.
In some couples, one partner is considering leaving while the other wants to save the relationship. In this case, the first stage of couples therapy may be to clarify both sides' expectations and to assess together whether the relationship has any chance of repair. The aim in this process is for both sides to be able to decide with the feeling that "we did everything we could."
Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the thoughts that make the decision harder ("If I divorce, my life is over", "I'll ruin my children's lives", "I can't do it on my own") are examined, and how realistic they are is assessed together.
The schema therapy perspective helps in understanding why a person stays or cannot stay in a particular relationship. For example, someone with an "abandonment" schema may find an unhappy relationship less frightening than being alone, while someone with a "self-sacrifice" schema may keep putting their own needs off. Once these patterns are recognised, the decision can be made more consciously and freely.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I be sure about deciding on divorce?
With such a big decision, being one hundred per cent sure is often not possible. However, if you have made your decision at a calm time, after thinking about it over a long period, after making a genuine effort to repair the relationship and in line with your own values, that is a healthy decision-making process. It is natural for some doubts to remain.
Is it right to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children?
There is no single answer to this question that applies to everyone. What matters for children is the level of conflict between the parents and the emotional climate of the home. Staying in a home with intense conflict or violence can be harmful to children too.
My partner doesn't want a divorce. What should I do?
In this situation, it is important to have a safe space where both of you can talk about your feelings. Couples therapy can help both sides express their needs and expectations. If there is violence or threat, your safety is the priority, and you should seek help from official support lines.
What if I regret it after the divorce?
It is natural to feel regret, longing or doubt from time to time after a divorce; it does not mean the decision was wrong. When a loss occurs, a process of grief follows too. If coping with these feelings becomes difficult, professional support can help.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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