Caring for Your Mother-in-Law: The Invisible Care Burden Carried by Daughters-in-Law

Why is caring for your mother-in-law so exhausting? Tips for women caring for a spouse's ill parent on guilt, anger, boundaries and sharing the load.

She gets up at six to prepare her mother-in-law's medication, then gets the children off to school and goes to work. At lunchtime she phones home to ask, "Has she eaten?" When she gets back in the evening there is dinner, a bath, the laundry, the next day's hospital appointment… Her husband comes home tired from work, and her sister-in-law calls once a week to ask, "Are you looking after Mum properly?" When she lies down at night she is exhausted and full of an anger she cannot tell anyone about. And then she blames herself for that anger. Caring for your mother-in-law is a burden that many women in Turkey carry in silence and that is rarely talked about. In this article I look at the feelings experienced by women who care for their husband's ill mother or father, why this burden can feel so heavy, and what they can do to protect both themselves and their relationships.

Why Can Caring for Your Mother-in-Law Feel So Heavy?

Caregiving is tiring work, whoever it is for. But caring for your spouse's mother or father carries some extra layers.

The expectation that "this is your duty"

In the traditional family structure in Turkey, caring for an elderly, ill parent often falls to the daughter-in-law of the house. This expectation is usually not discussed openly; it is simply taken for granted. The daughter-in-law feels not as though she chose this role but as though it was handed to her. Carrying a responsibility you did not choose can feel far more tiring than doing the same work of your own free will.

A different emotional bond

Someone caring for their own mother can often balance their exhaustion with love and shared memories built up over many years. The relationship with a mother-in-law carries a different history. Perhaps you are close; or perhaps hurt feelings, criticism and distance have built up over the years. Now looking after, with tenderness, someone who once criticised you or interfered in your decisions can stir up complicated feelings inside you.

Invisibility

Because the daughter-in-law's work is often seen as "natural", it goes unnoticed. When your husband's siblings visit, they look at how their mother is doing, perhaps offer a few suggestions, and leave. The person carrying the whole burden of daily care may not be thanked and may even have her shortcomings pointed out. This invisibility turns exhaustion into resentment.

Privacy and personal care

Bathing an elderly person, changing their incontinence pads and dressing them are difficult moments for both the carer and the person being cared for. For a mother-in-law or father-in-law, being so vulnerable in front of their daughter-in-law can also be embarrassing. The embarrassment on both sides can show up as tension in the relationship.

A change in the household routine

Care usually happens either with the mother-in-law moving into your home or with you going back and forth to hers every day. In the first case, you may not have a corner of your own even in your own home; the living room turns into a sickroom, visitors come and go more often and you can find no time alone with your husband. In the second case, shuttling between two homes, traffic, travel fatigue and the extra costs created by the rising cost of living multiply the load. Both arrangements quietly build up an invisible tiredness over time.

The Feelings of a Daughter-in-Law Who Is a Carer

Anger

Anger is the feeling carers are most ashamed of. You may feel angry with your mother-in-law, your husband, his siblings, or the situation itself. The question "Why is it always me?" may go round in your mind. This anger is often fed by a sense of unfairness and by burnout. Noticing your anger is much healthier than suppressing it or taking it out on the person who is ill.

Guilt

Right behind anger comes guilt: "How can I be angry with someone who is ill?", "Am I a bad person?" There are moments when you want to escape from caring, and that wish creates guilt too. Guilt can lead the carer to ignore her own needs and take on even more.

Loneliness

Women caring for their mother-in-law often drift away from their friends, their social life and even their own family. She may not even find time to visit her own mother. Because telling her husband what she is going through may be heard as "you're complaining about my mother", she may choose to stay silent.

Putting her own life on hold

Work, career, time with the children and personal plans can all be put on hold because of caregiving. Some women have to leave their jobs. This loss can later turn into intense regret and resentment. In particular, not knowing how long the care will go on leaves the question "When will I get my own life back?" unanswered and makes it hard to plan for the future.

The children at home and your own family

The burden of care affects not only you but also the children at home. When their mother is constantly tired and tense, children may feel neglected; sometimes they may feel jealous of, or angry with, their grandmother. Teenagers may complain about not being able to bring friends home or about the household routine changing. Explaining the situation to children in a way suited to their age, giving them small, appropriate tasks without loading them with adult responsibility, and creating time just for them, even once a week, helps keep things in balance. If your own parents are also getting older, the feeling of being torn between two families can make the load even heavier.

Caring well for your mother-in-law does not have to mean wearing yourself out; sustainable care is only possible if you are well too.

The Relationship With Your Husband: Partnership in Care

Caring for your mother-in-law also directly affects your marriage. While your husband copes with the sadness and anxiety of his mother being ill, he may not notice your load. Sometimes he notices but does not know what to do, or avoids talking about it because he feels guilty towards his mother.

During this period, communication between spouses is very important. Talking openly about whose responsibility the care is, dividing up the tasks and giving each other emotional support protects the relationship. Expressing what you expect from your husband without blame helps him understand you better too.

Sentences you may want to avoid saying to your husband:

• "She's your mother, you look after her." (It puts your husband on the defensive and makes it harder to look for a shared solution.)
• "Your mother has treated me like this my whole married life, and she's still the same." (Even if past hurts are legitimate, in this moment it can create conflict instead of a solution.)

Sentences you might try:

• "I want to look after your mother, but I'm worn out. How can we set up a routine together?"
• "Could you do her bath at the weekends? I'd like one day to myself."
• "Could we talk to your brothers and sisters and divide up the tasks?"

When tension between spouses grows and conversations keep turning into rows, joint sessions can help to address the issue on calmer ground.

The Relationship With Your Mother-in-Law: Dignity and Boundaries

For someone who is ill and elderly, being dependent on others is an experience that wounds their dignity, especially if they used to be strong and have the final say in their own home. A mother-in-law may express this through anger, criticism or silence. Remarks such as "This food isn't right" or "I used to keep this house much cleaner" often reflect the pain of lost control and a lost role.

It is not easy not to take these remarks personally. But sometimes seeing the feeling behind them can lighten the load. Still, being understanding does not mean putting up with disrespect without limits. Setting boundaries in a calm, respectful way is healthier for both of you.

Sentences you may want to avoid saying to your mother-in-law:

• "I'm sick of looking after you." (However real your exhaustion is, it makes her feel like a burden.)
• "You treated me just like this back then." (Settling old scores makes the caring relationship even harder.)

Sentences you might try:

• "If you tell me how you like your food, I'll try to make it that way."
• "Let's do the bath together; you do as much as you can and I'll help."
• "I'm a bit tired today; I need to rest after dinner."

Letting her take part in her own decisions as far as possible helps her feel valued: decisions such as what to wear, when to have a bath and when visitors should come keep her involved.

If there is forgetfulness or a change in personality

If your mother-in-law's or father-in-law's illness involves memory problems, confusion or changes in personality, you may find them blaming you, saying you have taken their belongings or not recognising you. These behaviours are part of the illness and are not a deliberate attitude towards you. In such situations, calmly changing the subject usually works better than arguing. Always share changes in behaviour with the doctor; getting information about how these symptoms are assessed and how care can be organised can ease things for both of you.

Practical Tips for Caring for Your Mother-in-Law

• Share the care within the family. Hold an open meeting with your husband's siblings. Make a written plan: who will come on which day, who will go with her to hospital appointments, how costs will be shared. I have discussed the finer points of setting boundaries in the extended family in the article on boundaries in the extended family.
• Look into outside support. Find out about options such as home care services run by local councils, home healthcare units run by health institutions or paid care support. You can ask your family doctor or the social services unit which services you may be able to use.
• Direct medical questions to the doctor. For questions about medication, diet or the course of the illness, consult the doctor rather than making decisions based on guesswork. This reminds you that the responsibility does not rest entirely on your shoulders.
• Make regular time for yourself. Set aside a slot of time that is yours, even if it is just a few hours a week: meeting a friend, going for a walk, visiting your own mother.
• Find someone to share your feelings with. Your husband, a friend, a sibling or someone going through something similar. Suppressed feelings turn into a heavier burden over time.

I have discussed the signs of burnout caused by long-term caregiving in detail in the article on caregiver burnout.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

When caring for your mother-in-law, tiredness and occasional anger are expected feelings. However, in the following situations it may help to get support from a mental health professional:

• Constant exhaustion, struggling to get up in the morning and being unable to enjoy anything
• Marked changes in sleep and appetite
• Outbursts of anger towards your mother-in-law that you cannot control, or a wish to neglect her
• Constant arguments with your husband, or a marked distance growing in the marriage
• Neglecting your own health, or an increase in physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach problems
• Hopelessness, or the feeling that "this is how my life will end"

If the symptoms last for weeks and clearly affect your daily life, an assessment by a psychiatrist may also be important. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or the person you care for, do not carry this alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is a Daughter-in-Law Who Is a Carer Supported in Therapy?

Therapy offers a space where a woman who is a carer can express, without being judged, feelings she cannot tell anyone else. Anger, resentment, guilt and burnout become more manageable once they are named in therapy.

Within cognitive behavioural therapy, rigid beliefs such as "A good daughter-in-law puts up with everything", "If I ask for help I'll look inadequate" or "If I make time for myself I'm being selfish" can be examined together. Work can be done on skills for setting boundaries and expressing one's own needs. From a schema therapy perspective, it can be understood how patterns that developed early in life, such as self-sacrifice or approval-seeking, are triggered during this process.

Individual therapy can help a woman who is a carer work both with her own feelings and with relationships within the family. For people who find it hard to leave home because of the care burden, sessions can also take place online.

Frequently Asked Questions

I don't want to look after my mother-in-law. Does that make me a bad person?

No. Caregiving is a heavy responsibility, and not everyone is in a position to take it on. Accepting your feelings and then looking for a realistic solution with your husband and the family is healthier for both you and your mother-in-law.

My husband's siblings never help. What can I do?

It may be more effective to talk about this with your husband first and for him to take responsibility for talking to his siblings. Proposing a concrete plan for dividing up the tasks gets more results than general complaints.

My mother-in-law constantly criticises me. How can I cope?

Some of the criticism may reflect her pain at the control and independence she has lost. Knowing this can ease your hurt. Still, you have every right to use a calm, short boundary-setting sentence: "I'm doing my best, and it upsets me when you speak like that."

Should I give up my job to provide care?

This is a big decision for your family and should not be placed on your shoulders alone. Before deciding, it is important to talk with your husband about your financial situation, alternative care options and the long-term effects this decision would have on you.

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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