Young Adult Caregiver: In Your Twenties and Caring for an Ill Parent

Being a young adult caregiver means being squeezed between study, work, life plans and an ill parent's care. A guide for those carrying it in their twenties.

While your friends are posting their graduation photos, you are waiting for your mother's blood results on the oncology floor of the hospital. While a classmate is planning a holiday abroad with their first salary, you are trying to fit a job interview around your father's dialysis days. For most people, the twenties are thought of as the years of building one's own life, exploring, and having the freedom to make mistakes. But for some young people, these years are shaped by the care of an ill mother or father. Being a young adult caregiver is often an unnamed experience that those around you do not fully see either. In this article I look at what young people who take on a parent's care during their university or early working years may feel, how they can strike a balance, and when getting support may help.

Who Is a Young Adult Caregiver?

A young adult caregiver is someone who, while at the start of their own educational and career journey, takes on significant responsibility for the care of a family member with a serious or chronic illness, usually their mother or father. This responsibility can range from accompanying them to hospital appointments to keeping track of medication, from housework to official correspondence, and from personal care to emotional support.

Some young people move into this role gradually: first they go along to one appointment, then they keep track of prescriptions, then, without noticing, they take over the running of the whole household. Others find themselves in this role overnight, after a sudden diagnosis, a stroke or an accident. Especially in single-parent families, in families where one parent has died or the parents have divorced, or where siblings live far away, the burden often falls on the shoulders of a single young person.

Family ties are strong in Turkey, and a child looking after an ill mother or father is often expected, even praised. These values can give the young person meaning and strength. But at the same time they can make it harder for the young person to voice their own needs. Relatives who say "You're looking after your mum, how lovely" often do not see the dreams that young person has put on hold, their sleepless nights or their loneliness.

I discussed the particular challenges of growing up with an ill parent during the secondary school years in my article on teenagers with an ill parent; this article focuses instead on those who carry the burden of care on the threshold of adulthood, while trying to build their own lives.

The Emotional Load of Being a Young Adult Caregiver

A life on hold

A master's application, a job offer in another city, an exchange programme, moving into your own place, taking a relationship further… These young people describe putting most of these decisions off "for now". This "for now" sometimes lasts months, sometimes years. Every postponed plan can turn into a quiet grief: grief for the loss of the life you had imagined. Romantic relationships are affected by this process too. Constantly cancelling dates with your partner, not knowing how far to involve them in your family's situation, or pulling back by saying "I don't want to make them carry this burden too" are common. Some young people put marriage or plans to live together off to an uncertain date, for fear of leaving their parent alone.

Drifting away from peers

While your friends' concerns are exams, holidays, the excitement of a first job or new relationships, yours are test results and hospital queues. Over time, this difference can create a sense of alienation. Watching other people's lives on social media can deepen the feeling that "Everyone else is living, and I'm waiting." Some young people avoid telling friends about their situation; they don't want to be pitied, or they think they won't be understood.

Roles reversed

When the mother or father who looked after you for years and got you ready for school now needs your help, it creates complicated feelings. Helping your parent bathe, reminding them of their medication times and speaking to the doctor on their behalf can bring both tenderness and sorrow. Sometimes the parent resists this new situation and says "I'm your mother, don't tell me what to do", which leaves the young person feeling both responsible and powerless.

Privacy is also a sensitive matter. A son in his twenties helping with his mother's personal care, or a daughter bathing her father, can be embarrassing for both the young person and the parent. Sharing such care tasks as far as possible with the person the parent prefers, and with professional care support if needed, protects both the parent's dignity and the young person's boundaries. Although this is a difficult subject to talk about, when it is not discussed openly, both sides go on feeling uncomfortable in silence.

The cycle of anger and guilt

Thinking "Why me?" and feeling angry with siblings, with the illness, even with the ill parent, is very human. But this anger is often suppressed by the guilt that follows straight after: "My mother is ill, and I'm thinking about my own life." This cycle both exhausts the person and isolates them.

Work, Study and Money: Being Squeezed Day to Day

Young people who take on care often live two lives at the same time. In the morning they go to lectures or work, at lunchtime they call the hospital, in the evening they come home and cook and prepare the medication, and at night they wake when their parent wakes.

For university students, attendance limits, midterm and final exam periods and compulsory internships can be a serious source of pressure. Some students leave their halls of residence and move back home; some have to suspend their studies. Sharing these situations with the university's student affairs and counselling units can sometimes provide more flexibility than you expect. Talking to your academic adviser can make it easier to see options such as spreading your course load over several terms.

Young people just starting their careers carry the worry of asking for frequent time off while they are still proving themselves. The fear that "My manager will see me as useless" leads many young people to hide their situation at work. Yet hiding it can lead to bigger misunderstandings because of unexplained lateness and lapses in concentration. How much you share is your decision; but a short explanation such as "There's a health condition in my family that requires care, and some days I may need flexibility" is often enough. At times when the cost of living is rising, expenses such as medication, transport and care supplies can also increase the young person's financial burden.

When this daily squeeze goes on for a long time, constant tiredness, poor concentration, sleeplessness and a feeling of "I can't keep up with anything" can become noticeable. I discussed in detail how this picture can turn into burnout in my article on burnout syndrome.

What to Say, and What Not to Say, to a Young Adult Caregiver

Friends, relatives and managers at work can lighten the load of a young person who has taken on care, or, without realising it, make it heavier. The examples below are fictional.

Sentences you may want to avoid:

• "You're young, you've got energy, you'll manage." (It ignores tiredness and limits.)
• "Your mum is so lucky to have a child like you." (Even if well-meant, it reduces the young person's burden to a display of virtue.)
• "This will pass too, and then you can get on with your own life." (It ignores the grief for a life on hold.)
• "You never go out any more, you've got boring." (It has an isolating effect on the friendship.)

Sentences you might try instead:

• "How can I help you this week? I could sit with your mum one evening."
• "Even if you can't come, I'll keep inviting you; come whenever you want."
• "I'm wondering how you are, not just your dad."
• "Let's talk together about how we can arrange this at work." (From a manager)

How Can a Young Adult Caregiver Protect Themselves?

There is no perfect balance between giving care and keeping your own life going. But some steps can make this burden more bearable.

• Make the load visible. Making a list of the jobs you do shows both you and your family the real size of the burden of care. Sharing this list with siblings and other family members makes it easier to talk about dividing tasks. I discussed how the burden of care can be shared between siblings in my article on the burden of care between siblings.
• Protect small pieces of your own life. Meeting a friend once a week, an hour of sport, a hobby class or simply an evening spent alone reminds you that your identity is not only about giving care.
• Talk to institutions. Sharing your situation with your university's student affairs or psychological counselling unit, or with your workplace's HR department, can open up options such as flexible working or exam arrangements.
• Take medical questions to the doctor. You don't have to make decisions about your parent's treatment alone. Going to appointments prepared, writing down your questions and asking a social worker for support if needed lighten your load.
• Don't erase your plans; redraw them. Postponing a master's degree for a year does not mean giving it up. Rearranging your long-term goals around the conditions of care keeps hope alive.
• Make room for your feelings. Anger, envy, exhaustion or sadness… None of them makes you a bad son or daughter. Writing these feelings down, sharing them with someone you trust or talking to a professional can bring relief.

Caring for your parent makes you a good son or daughter; but caring for yourself does not make you a bad one.

What Can the Ill Parent and the Family Do?

The attitude of the ill parent and other family members is also decisive in lightening the young caregiver's load. As far as their condition allows, the ill parent can encourage their child to keep their own life going: "I want you to sit that exam; your aunt will be with me that day." Sentences like this allow the young person to continue on their own path without guilt.

Other family members can take on concrete responsibilities to prevent the burden of care falling on a single person. Even a sibling who lives far away can take on tasks such as following up hospital appointments, handling official paperwork or contributing financially. Discussing the question "Who is doing what, and when?" at regular intervals as a family prevents silent resentments from building up.

Let's say a twenty-four-year-old who has just started a new job has taken on most of their father's care after a stroke. Their older sister lives in another city, and their mother is dealing with her own health problems. When the family sits down one evening to talk about the tasks again, it turns out that the sister can come for one week every month, and the mother can manage at home during the day with help from a neighbour. This small arrangement allows the young person both to hold on to their job and to set aside a few evenings for themselves. The solution is different for every family; but finding one without talking is almost impossible.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Tiredness and feeling overwhelmed at times are expected reactions for young caregivers. However, in the following situations it can be helpful to get support from a mental health professional:

• Weeks of sleeplessness, changes in appetite, constant tiredness
• A marked drop in performance at university or work
• Cutting yourself off completely from friends and social life
• Constant anger, crying spells or a state of feeling nothing at all
• Deep hopelessness about the future

If you have thoughts of wanting to die or of ending your life, do not carry them alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services). With marked depressive symptoms, an assessment by a psychiatrist may also be important.

How Are Young Adult Caregivers Supported in Therapy?

Therapy can offer a safe space where the young caregiver can talk about their own feelings, needs and hopes for the future. Sessions can work on grief for a life on hold, the complicated feelings that come with role changes, and skills for setting boundaries with siblings and family.

In the cognitive behavioural approach, thoughts such as "I have to do everything" or "If I think about my own life, I'm selfish" are examined, and an effort is made to develop more balanced perspectives. Time management, problem-solving and self-compassion skills can also be part of this process. For young people whose time is squeezed between university, work and hospital, online therapy can be a flexible option.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it selfish to leave my ill mother and take a job in another city?

There is no single right answer to this decision. Building your own life is not selfish; what matters is talking openly within the family about how care will continue and weighing up the alternatives together. You don't have to make this decision on your own.

Should I tell my friends about my situation?

You don't have to; but sharing it with one or two people you trust can reduce the feeling of loneliness. You decide how much to share.

My siblings don't help; how should I talk to them?

Rather than blaming, it can be more effective to state your concrete needs: for example, "Could you stay with Dad one weekend a month?" If these conversations become difficult, a family meeting or the support of a professional can help.

I feel as if my life has been put on hold; will this feeling pass?

This feeling is very understandable and may intensify at times during the period of care. Rather than abandoning your long-term goals altogether, re-planning them in small steps around today's circumstances can lighten the weight of this feeling.

• #young adults
• #caring for a parent
• #caregiver burden
• #patient psychology

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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