A serious illness at a young age can leave you feeling cut off from your peers. Guidance for young adults on comparison, loneliness, career and relationships.
You open your phone: one friend has got engaged, another has started a master's degree abroad, someone else has posted photos of their new flat. You, meanwhile, were in a hospital queue for a blood test that morning and spent the afternoon in bed with exhaustion. Your twenties and thirties are the years society describes as "the most dynamic time of life." Being diagnosed with a serious illness at a young age, however, slows life down right in the middle of that dynamism, and sometimes brings it to a halt. It is completely understandable to feel that you are waiting somewhere while your peers move ahead. In this article I look at the particular challenges a serious diagnosis brings in young adulthood, the feelings of comparison and loneliness, the effects on career and relationships, and how you can support yourself during this time. For medical questions, such as treatment options and how treatment might affect things like having children in the future, I always recommend talking to the doctor who looks after you.
Why Is a Serious Illness at a Young Age a Different Kind of Challenge?
Illness is hard at any age, but in young adulthood it brings some particular burdens.
- The feeling that "it wasn't my turn." Because serious illnesses are mostly associated with older age in society, being diagnosed while young can feel like an injustice or a mistake. The question "Why me, at this age?" is asked very often. I discuss this question separately in the article on the "why me?" question in illness.
- The stage of building a life. Young adulthood is the period in which big steps are taken: choosing a profession, a first job, forming relationships, leaving home and starting a family. When illness arrives in the middle of these steps, a person can find themselves inside a story left half-finished.
- Peers' lack of experience. Most friends have not yet come close to a serious illness. They do not know what to say, and sometimes they drift away.
- Invisibility. A young person may look healthy from the outside. So they may have to explain themselves in order to sit down on public transport, ask for a break at work or cancel an event.
- Shaken independence. Newly gained independence can be shaken by becoming dependent on parents again because of treatment. Some young people have to move back into the family home.
Falling Behind While Your Peers Move Forward: The Feeling of Comparison
Many people living with a serious illness at a young age say that comparison is one of the hardest feelings. Friends' weddings, promotions, holidays and babies bring joy on one hand and hurt on the other.
During this time the following feelings can coexist:
- Envy and guilt. Being unable to feel happy for a friend, and then feeling guilty about it, is very common. Envy is part of grieving what you have lost or put on hold; feeling it does not make you a bad friend.
- Fear of lost time. The thought "Everyone else is moving forward and I'm standing still" increases anxiety about the future.
- Feeling estranged. Your friends' topics of conversation (changing jobs, mortgages, wedding preparations) may feel distant to you, and your concerns (test results, side effects, check-up dates) may feel distant to them.
Let us imagine a twenty-six-year-old woman who is invited to her best friend's wedding while she is having treatment for lymphoma. She wants to go, but she is worried about her energy and about appearing in photos at a time when her hair is falling out. In the end she decides to stay for a short while; she attends the ceremony and then goes home. The next day, looking at the photos that have been shared, she feels both happy that she was there and sad, wondering, "Where has my life gone?" The two feelings in this fictional example do not cancel each other out; both are real at the same time.
Social media sharpens this comparison even further. Comparing the brightest moments of other people's lives with your own hardest days is not a fair comparison. I discuss the general dynamics of this in the article on comparison on social media. During periods of treatment, taking a break from certain apps, turning off notifications or following only the accounts that do you good are simple ways of protecting yourself.
Your peers' timetable is not your timetable; illness may slow your life down, but it does not reduce your worth.
Identity, Career and Plans for the Future
The question of identity
In young adulthood, a person is still discovering who they are and what they want. A serious diagnosis in the middle of this discovery can bring the question "Am I a sick person now?" Illness can be part of your identity, but it is not the whole of it. Your interests, values, sense of humour and relationships existed before your diagnosis and are still part of you.
Career
For a young person at university, treatment may mean suspending their studies or postponing exams. For someone at the start of their career, long periods of leave, missed promotions or having to leave work may come up. In Turkey, goals tied to fixed calendars, such as the KPSS (the national civil service exam) or postgraduate entrance exams, create a particular disappointment when they are postponed because of illness.
At this point, rather than putting your career entirely on hold or trying to carry on as if nothing had happened, thinking about flexible middle paths can help: part-time work, remote working, reducing your course load, breaking goals into smaller steps. If you are unsure how much to share with your workplace, the article on whether to tell your employer about your illness may offer guidance.
Relationships and starting a family
For young people who have a girlfriend, boyfriend or spouse, illness can both strengthen and strain the relationship. A partner moving into a caregiving role can change the balance of the relationship. Young people thinking of meeting someone new, meanwhile, face the question, "When should I tell them about my illness?" There is no single right time; most people prefer to share it at a moment of their own choosing, once a sense of trust has formed.
Matters such as how treatment might affect having children in the future are very important and sensitive for young patients. Talking openly about these questions with your doctor before treatment begins, or as early as possible, reduces the risk of regret later on.
If you have a partner, remembering that they will have their own fears and tiredness too helps protect the relationship. Asking, "My illness has changed your life too; how are you doing?" stops the relationship from becoming a one-way caring relationship. Making small plans together that have nothing to do with the illness, such as a film night at home or a short walk by the sea, keeps your bond as a couple alive.
Your Twenties and Thirties: Differences by Stage of Life
Early twenties
In this period young people are often still studying or have just started their first job. Their relationship with their parents moves back and forth between independence and attachment. When parents start getting involved in everything again because of the illness, a young person may feel anger and a sense of being treated like a child. To receive support while also keeping a say, it is important to talk openly with parents: "I need your help, but I also want to be part of the decisions about my treatment."
Late twenties and thirties
In this period, career, long-term relationships and starting a family become more prominent. For a young mother or father with a small child, illness also becomes intertwined with the parenting role: "How will I look after my child, what will I tell them?" At these ages financial responsibilities, rent and loans are also heavier; at a time of high living costs, the fear of losing income is a separate source of stress.
For the parents of a young adult
Parents whose adult child receives a serious diagnosis also face a difficult dilemma: on one hand the wish to protect them again, on the other the knowledge that they are now an adult. During this time, asking "What would you like me to do, and what would you like me not to do?" protects both closeness and respect. It is also important to get the young person's consent before attending appointments with the doctor, and not to share information with relatives without their permission.
What Should Friends and Others Say, and What Should They Avoid?
If you have a friend who has received a serious diagnosis at a young age, you do not need to be an expert to support them. But some sentences tend to help more than others.
Sentences that can help:
- "I don't know how to support you, but I want to be there for you. What would be useful?"
- "Can I come round for coffee on Saturday? If you're tired, it's fine to cancel at the last minute."
- "We'll keep inviting you in the group chat. Even if you can't come, we want you to know."
Sentences that can wear someone down:
- "You're young, you'll definitely get through it."
- "Look, my cousin went through exactly the same thing and now he's fit as a fiddle."
- "How can this happen to someone so young?"
- "Think positive, everything will be fine."
Another experience young patients often mention is being gradually forgotten by their friendship groups. Someone who cannot make it to an invitation once or twice is, after a while, no longer invited at all. Telling your friends, "Even if I can't come, it does me good to be invited," can prevent this silent drifting apart.
How Can You Support Yourself During a Serious Illness at a Young Age?
It is not possible to control everything; but strengthening the small areas that are within your control helps.
- Follow your own timetable, not your peers'. Rather than abandoning your goals entirely, break them into small steps that suit your treatment period.
- Connect with patients of a similar age. Support groups or online communities for young patients give a sense that "there are others my age going through this too."
- Protect the areas of your life outside the illness. Music, books, games, crafts or short walks remind you that your identity is not made up of the illness alone.
- Make room for your feelings. Anger, envy and grief are natural parts of this period. Writing, talking to someone you trust or working with a professional helps you process these feelings.
- Be compassionate towards yourself. Instead of "I should be stronger," try saying, "I'm going through something hard and I'm doing my best."
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Sadness, anger and anxiety are expected reactions after a serious diagnosis at a young age. However, seeing a mental health professional may be helpful in the following situations:
- Deep hopelessness lasting for weeks and being unable to see anything in the future
- Withdrawing completely from friends and family, not wanting to leave the house
- Neglecting treatment or avoiding check-ups
- Marked disruption of sleep and appetite
- Trying to suppress feelings with alcohol or other substances
Sometimes the load can turn into thoughts such as "There's no point in living any more." If thoughts like these are going through your mind, do not carry them alone; share them with someone you trust, and in an emergency call 112 (emergency services). If depressive symptoms are marked, an assessment by a psychiatrist is also important. Some hospitals have psychosocial support units for young patients; you can ask your treatment team about this.
How Is Illness in Young Adulthood Addressed in Therapy?
Psychological support does not replace medical treatment; but it can help carry the emotional load of living with a serious illness in young adulthood. In individual therapy, topics such as identity, plans for the future, relationships and comparison are discussed in a safe setting.
Within a cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) framework, thoughts such as "My life is ruined" or "I'll never catch up with my peers" are examined, and more balanced perspectives that fit the person's real situation are developed. Skills for living with uncertainty, setting goals in line with one's values and coping with difficult feelings are also practised. Acceptance and commitment-based approaches can support a person in building a meaningful life according to their own values, even where the illness itself cannot be changed. For young people who find it hard to leave the house because of treatment, sessions can also take place online.
Frequently Asked Questions
I can't feel happy for my friends; is that normal?
Yes, it is very normal. Because of what you have lost or put on hold in your own life, other people's happiness can be painful. Accepting this feeling, and protecting yourself from such posts from time to time, does not harm your friendships.
When should I tell someone new about my illness?
There is no single right time. Most people prefer to share it once they begin to trust the other person a little and feel ready. You decide how much detail to give.
I've had to move back in with my parents and I feel like a child. What can I do?
This is a very common feeling. Having an open conversation with your family about the household routine, privacy and decisions helps. Protecting your own space and keeping some responsibilities supports your sense of independence.
Should I give up my career goals because of my illness?
Rather than giving them up completely, you could consider reshaping your goals. Setting smaller, flexible steps that fit your treatment protects both hope and realism. Talking about this with your doctor and, if necessary, a careers adviser can be helpful.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
Eğitimler
