Taking Time for Yourself as a Caregiver: Feeling Ashamed of Enjoyment

Why do family caregivers feel guilty about taking time for themselves? Read about the shame of laughing or going out, and how to give yourself permission.

A friend invites you out for a coffee. You go out for an hour, you chat, and at one point you find yourself laughing out loud. Then, in the middle of that laugh, a thought appears: "Mum is lying in bed at home and here I am laughing." The coffee loses its taste and you head home early. Many people who have been caring for a loved one for a long time will recognise this moment. When it comes to taking time for yourself as a caregiver, the obstacle is often not a lack of time but an inner voice: "While they're in this state, do I have the right to enjoy myself?" In this article I look at where this shame and guilt come from, why they are understandable, and why making even a little room for yourself matters both for your own wellbeing and for the person you care for.

Feeling Ashamed of Enjoyment: Where Does This Feeling Come From?

Being happy while someone you love is suffering creates inner conflict for many people. This conflict has several sources.

Measuring love by sacrifice

In many families, love is measured by how much sacrifice is made. "Think of the sleepless nights his mother went through for him" is a form of praise. From this point of view, taking time for yourself can feel like giving less love. Yet love and burnout are not the same thing.

Trying to match the patient emotionally

Some relatives, without realising it, stop themselves feeling good as a way of sharing the patient's pain. It is as if, by staying sad yourself, their burden might become a little lighter. Unfortunately your unhappiness does not reduce their pain; it only adds to the overall heaviness in the home.

Worrying about "what will people say?"

In Turkey, especially in apartment-block and neighbourhood life, the eyes of neighbours and relatives are on you. A woman from a household with a sick person going to the hairdresser, a son going out to watch a match while his father is in hospital, or a daughter-in-law going out visiting during Bayram (religious holiday) can become a topic of gossip. Over time this outside gaze is internalised, and the person starts judging themselves even when nobody says anything.

Grief that comes before the loss

In a serious or progressive illness, relatives may enter a process of grieving before they lose their loved one. During this period, laughing, having fun or making plans can feel "disrespectful". It takes time to accept that there can be room for laughter and joy within grief too.

Laughing is not disrespectful

In homes where serious illness is being lived through, humour often quietly disappears. Yet many patients want to see their loved ones smile; the gloomy atmosphere at home wears them down too. A funny memory told at the dinner table, an old Bayram story or a comedy watched together creates a short breathing space for both patient and caregiver. Laughing is not ignoring the hardship; it is remembering that life goes on within it.

All of these feelings are understandable. But living for a long time solely as a caregiver erodes a person's own identity, relationships and mental health. I have written about the later stages of the burden of care in the article on caregiver burnout.

Why Is Taking Time for Yourself as a Caregiver a Need?

The time you set aside for yourself is not a reward or a luxury; it is a condition for caregiving to be sustainable. There are several reasons:

• Patience and compassion are limited resources. Someone who never rests may, over time, behave more impatiently and tensely even towards the person they love most. Short breaks replenish these resources.
• Care can be a long haul. In chronic illnesses, in progressive conditions such as dementia or during long treatment, care can last months or years. It needs to be thought of not as a sprint but as a long walk.
• The patient often wants this too. Many patients feel guilt and sadness about a loved one putting their life on hold because of them. The sentence "Because of me you can't go anywhere" is really an expression of worry for you.
• Your identity is not just being a caregiver. You are also a friend, an employee, a partner, someone with interests. Putting these sides of yourself completely on hold can leave you feeling empty when the caring comes to an end.
• Your own health matters too. Postponed check-ups and irregular sleep and eating can lead to the caregiver one day becoming someone who needs care.

Different Difficulties by Age and Role

A young person caring for a sick parent

Young people in their twenties who care for a mother or father may feel left behind while their peers build education, work, friendships and relationships. Going to a friend's birthday celebration can feel like a betrayal to them. At this age, taking time for yourself means not only resting but also protecting your own development and future.

A teenager with a sick parent

A teenager whose parent is ill may feel ashamed of going out with friends or having fun while helping with responsibilities at home. It is very valuable for parents to give this young person explicit permission ("It makes me happy too when you spend time with your friends"). It is also necessary to regularly assess whether the teenager's load is appropriate for their age. Going on a school trip, to a graduation ceremony or to a friend's birthday party is part of a young person's normal development and should not be postponed because of the illness at home.

The parent of a sick child

For mothers and fathers whose child is battling a serious illness, taking time for themselves can seem almost unthinkable. Yet partners taking a few hours' break in turns makes it easier for them to stay on their feet both as individuals and as a couple. Even in hospital, a cup of tea drunk together in the canteen or a short walk in the hospital garden can be moments when partners reconnect. Enjoyable time spent with healthy siblings at home is also a source of rest for the parent, and deserves to be lived with peace of mind rather than guilt.

An older person caring for an elderly spouse

For an older person caring for a spouse of forty or fifty years, taking time for themselves can feel like "abandoning" their partner. Because these people also carry their own health problems, they become overloaded more quickly. Children and grandchildren regularly taking over the care allows the older caregiver to return to conversations at the mosque or the coffee house, visits to neighbours or their garden.

Practical Steps for Taking Time for Yourself as a Caregiver

The suggestions below are not big changes but small, achievable steps.

• Start small. A fifteen-minute walk a day, a cup of tea drunk alone on the balcony, listening to a song you love on headphones. Small breaks are less likely to trigger the question "Do I deserve this?"
• Put breaks in the diary. Take the time you set aside for yourself as seriously as a doctor's appointment. A break written in the diary is far more likely to happen than one described as "if I get the chance".
• Make handovers clear. Leave the person you hand care over to for a short time a written note of medication times, possible situations and how to reach you. This reduces how much your mind stays at home while you are out.
• Limit checking your phone. Knowing you will be contacted if there is a real emergency, try not to check messages every five minutes during your break.
• Notice and answer the guilty thought. When the thought "I should be at home right now" comes, you can ask yourself: "Is Mum/my spouse safe right now? Yes. So giving this hour to myself doesn't harm anyone."
• Make a list of things you enjoy. Write down the things you loved before the illness. Which of them can you do in a short time without going far from home? Some are possible even at home.
• Enjoy things together with the patient. Taking time for yourself does not always mean leaving the house. Watching a series you love beside the patient or looking through old photographs together can also be a moment that belongs to you.

The content of the time you set aside for yourself matters too. Some breaks rest the body (sleeping, lying down, sitting quietly), some nourish social ties (meeting a friend, phoning a relative), and some strengthen a sense of meaning (prayer, a craft, reading a book, gardening). Noticing which one you need makes even a short time more restorative. Rather than taking the same kind of break every day, alternating between them during the week can also help.

When trying these steps, do not expect the guilt to disappear immediately. Guilt is often the first reaction to a new behaviour; as the behaviour is repeated, its intensity decreases. For more detail on this, you can look at the article on guilt in family caregivers.

An hour you set aside for yourself is not an hour stolen from the person you care for; it is an investment that lets you care for them patiently tomorrow too.

What Should and Shouldn't Those Around You Say?

The attitude of those around the caregiver makes a big difference to whether they can take time for themselves. The examples below are fictional.

Sentences that judge or burden the caregiver:

• "How can you go on holiday while your mother is ill?"
• "I saw you at the market, you seem to be in good spirits."
• "You're strong, you can do everything."
• Saying "Look after yourself" without offering any concrete help.

Sentences that make room for the caregiver:

• "I'll stay with your father for two hours on Saturday afternoon, you go out."
• "It's completely natural that you need a bit of rest, you deserve it."
• "If something happens to you, who will look after him? You need to think of yourself too."
• "I was glad to see you out and about today."

The patient can also say things that give their loved one permission. Saying "Go and get some fresh air, I'm fine" is, for many patients, a way of showing love. Accepting such an offer rather than turning it down also helps the patient feel useful.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Finding it hard to take time for yourself is not, on its own, a sign of a problem. However, it may help to see a mental health professional in the following situations:

• You cannot enjoy anything, and even doing things you used to love feels meaningless
• Guilt stays on your mind all day and disrupts your sleep
• You feel intense regret and anxiety after every bit of time you take for yourself
• You have not talked to anyone about anything other than the illness for a long time
• Anger you find hard to control has built up towards the person you care for

If thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself are going through your mind, this is an emergency. Call 112 (emergency services) without delay or go to the nearest emergency department.

How Is a Caregiver's Guilt Addressed in Therapy?

For a caregiver who has long thought only of someone else's needs, therapy can be a space where, perhaps for the first time in years, their own needs are talked about.

Within cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "If I'm well, I'm betraying them" or "A good child is by their side every moment" are examined, and more balanced alternatives are developed. Through behavioural activation, small activities that bring enjoyment and meaning are brought back into life in a planned way. From a schema therapy perspective, it is possible to notice how patterns such as self-sacrifice and punitiveness shape the way someone gives care.

Individual therapy offers a space where a caregiver can talk without judgement about difficult feelings such as guilt, anger and grief experienced in advance. When it is hard to leave home because of caring duties, sessions can also be held online.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it wrong to go on holiday while the person I care for is seriously ill?

There is no single right answer to this decision; it depends on the patient's condition, who will take over the care and your own needs. A short time away, with care safely handed over, may do both you and the patient good in the long run. You can consult the patient's doctor about whether it is medically appropriate.

When I take time for myself, the person I care for feels hurt, what should I do?

The patient may react out of fear of being alone or the hurt that comes with dependence. Telling them in advance when you will be back, introducing whoever will stay in your place and spending time with them when you return reduce this worry. Even so, their feeling does not cancel out your need to rest.

My siblings don't help, how can I take time for myself?

Making concrete requests with dates is more effective than general complaints: "Could you stay with Dad on the first and third Saturday of the month?" If sharing cannot be arranged within the family, looking into resources such as municipal home-care services and patient associations is another option.

When I'm out, my mind keeps going back home, how can I reduce this?

It can help to go through a short checklist with the person you are handing care over to before you leave, and to agree that you will call once, at a set time. When your mind goes back home, try to notice it and gently bring your attention back to where you are, the person in front of you or the sounds around you on your walk.

• #family caregiver
• #guilt
• #self-care
• #psychology of caring for a sick relative

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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