Premarital Counselling: What to Talk About Before You Get Married

What is premarital counselling and who is it for? Read about the topics to discuss before the wedding and the ways to prepare for a strong, lasting marriage.

The wedding date, the venue, the invitations, the household items... Wedding preparations are often so intense that couples may have no chance to talk about what really matters: what kind of life they want to build together. Yet many of the problems that arise in the early years of marriage stem from expectations that were never discussed before the wedding. Premarital counselling is a process in which couples who have decided to marry, or are weighing that decision, work with a professional to strengthen their relationship and prepare in advance for possible difficulties. In this article we look at what this process involves, the topics that must be discussed before marriage, and what couples can do on their own.

What Is Premarital Counselling?

This is a short, focused piece of work that lets couples talk about their expectations of marriage, their values, their communication styles and their likely areas of disagreement in a safe setting. The process is carried out not because something is wrong in the relationship, but to put the relationship on firmer ground.

Many people think of therapy as something you turn to only when problems have grown big. Premarital work, by contrast, is a preventive approach. Just as you service a car before a long journey, reviewing the strengths and the fragile points of your relationship before taking the step into marriage can make it easier to cope with the difficulties you may meet later.

The aim of this process is not to decide whether the couple should marry. The professional accompanies the couple as they make their own decisions more consciously, get to know each other more deeply and develop healthy communication skills.

What Topics Should You Discuss Before Getting Married?

The topics below are the areas couples struggle with most often in the early years of marriage. Talking about them in advance does not mean problems will disappear, but it means the couple knows each other's expectations and sets out with a shared understanding rather than with surprises.

Money and Financial Matters

Money is one of the most common subjects of arguments in marriage. Questions that may be useful for couples to talk about include:

• Will we manage our incomes jointly or separately?
• What are our debts, credit card habits and attitudes to saving?
• How will we make decisions about large expenses?
• What do we think about giving financial support to our families, or receiving it from them?

In periods when the cost of living is high, rent, wedding costs and daily expenses can put extra pressure on couples. Talking openly about these matters can reduce the tensions that may arise in the early years of marriage.

Relationships and Boundaries with the Extended Family

In Turkey, marriage is often seen not only as the coming together of two people but of two families. This can be a strong source of support, but it can also be a challenge.

• How often will we visit our families?
• How will we plan holidays, special occasions and vacations?
• How far do we want our families to be involved in our decisions?
• What does living in the same building or close by mean for us?
• What stance will we take when there is a problem with one of our families?

Having Children and Parenting

• Do we want children and, if so, when and how many?
• Which values matter to us in raising children?
• How will childcare and household responsibilities be shared?
• What will we do if we have difficulty having children?

Household Responsibilities and Daily Life

Sharing housework can be a major source of tension in marriages where both partners work. It helps to talk in advance about who will take on which tasks, expectations about cleanliness and order, and work-life balance.

Career, Where to Live and Plans for the Future

• What are each of our career goals?
• How will we decide if moving to another city or country comes up?
• Where do we see ourselves in five or ten years?

Sexuality and Intimacy

Sexuality is an area many couples hesitate to talk about, yet it directly affects satisfaction in marriage. Communicating openly about expectations, worries, gaps in knowledge and values can reduce possible difficulties in the early period of marriage.

Emotional Needs and Ways of Showing Love

Every person shows love, and feels it, in different ways. For some, spending time together matters most; for others it is spoken appreciation, practical help or physical closeness. Your partner may be showing their love in their own language while you fail to notice it and feel neglected. Talking about what you need on hard days, whether you want to be alone or be held when you are upset, and which behaviours make you feel valued will help you read each other more accurately.

Ways of Dealing with Anger and Disagreements

There is no couple who never argue; what matters is how disagreements are managed. Talking before the wedding about how you behave when you are angry, who takes the first step at the end of an argument, and which behaviours are unacceptable to you creates a shared foundation for future conflicts.

Values, Faith and Lifestyle

Religious beliefs, cultural traditions, social habits, time spent with friends and leisure preferences are areas in which couples may differ. These differences are not always a problem; what matters is noticing them and talking about how to strike a balance.

The most valuable preparation before marriage is not to look for a flawless match but to learn how to live with differences.

Who Is Premarital Counselling For?

Premarital work can be useful for any couple thinking of getting married, whether or not there is a clear problem in their relationship. It becomes especially meaningful in situations like these:

• If you decided to marry after a short period of getting to know each other
• If you come from different cultural, religious or socioeconomic backgrounds
• If one or both of you have been married and divorced before
• If there are children from a previous marriage and a new family structure will be formed
• If tensions between the families have arisen during wedding preparations
• If you keep having recurring disagreements on certain subjects
• If you have worries about marriage, or negative experiences carried over from your parents' marriage
• If you will begin living under the same roof after a long-distance relationship

Imagine a couple who have known and loved each other for several years and decide to marry. During the preparations, one side's family wants the wedding to be big and crowded, while the other partner dreams of a more modest ceremony. The arguments gradually move beyond the wedding and turn into sentences such as "Your family always gets what it wants" and "You never care about my family." For this couple, the real issue is not the wedding but boundaries with the families and how decisions are made together. A picture like this is a typical example of the patterns that can be useful to address before marriage.

Second Marriages and New Family Structures

For people who have been married and divorced before, a new marriage can bring both hope and anxiety. Resentments carried over from the previous marriage, worries about trust and the question "Will I repeat the same mistakes?" often come up at this time. If there are children from the previous marriage, important topics to discuss include what kind of relationship the new partner will have with the children, who will have a say in discipline, and how communication with the ex-spouse will be handled. Addressing these matters before the marriage can help the new family structure be built on healthier ground.

What Couples Can Do on Their Own While Preparing for Marriage

Even if you are not working with a professional, there are some steps you can take together while preparing for marriage.

Set Aside Regular, Calm Times to Talk

Away from the intensity of wedding preparations, with phones put aside, talk through the topics above one at a time. Rather than trying to finish them all in one sitting, it may be more productive to focus on one topic each week.

Listen with Curiosity

Try to understand what your partner says before evaluating it. The question "Why is this important to you?" can reveal the needs underneath differing views.

Talk About What You Bring from Your Families

Each of us carries into marriage the models of relationship we saw in our own families. Talking about how your parents argued, how they showed love and how they solved problems helps you understand each other better. We cover this in more detail in our article on attachment styles.

Review How You Resolve Conflict

What do you do when you disagree? When one of you wants to talk, does the other withdraw? How do your fights end? The answers to these questions give important clues about how communication will be in the marriage.

Write Down Your Expectations

Each of you can write down your expectations of marriage separately and then compare them together. This exercise is an effective way of making unspoken assumptions visible.

Clarify Your Red Lines

Each of you may have values you cannot give up and behaviours you cannot accept. Talking openly about what is unacceptable to you on matters such as fidelity, violence, addictions, lying or personal space clarifies the foundations of the relationship. These conversations may look difficult at first, but they can help prevent serious disappointments after the wedding. An important part of the process is also to try to understand your partner's red lines rather than opening them up for debate.

Watch Out for Preparation Stress

Wedding preparations, bargaining between families and the financial burden can make couples drift apart. During this time, make a point of spending enjoyable time together instead of only talking about preparations.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

In some situations, the support of a professional can offer a fresh perspective on issues the couple cannot move forward on alone:

• If you keep having the same arguments over certain issues
• If you have deep disagreements on important matters, such as having children or where to live
• If you experience intense anxiety or indecision about the decision to marry
• If tensions between the families have started to wear down your relationship
• If you think wounds carried from past relationships or from your family are affecting your relationship
• If jealousy, control or trust problems are prominent in the relationship

If there is physical violence, threats or fear in the relationship, this is a safety issue that needs to be addressed before wedding preparations; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is Premarital Counselling Approached in Therapy?

This is usually a structured, goal-focused process made up of a limited number of sessions. Its content is shaped by the couple's needs, but it generally includes the following steps:

• Assessment: The couple's story of how they met, the strengths of the relationship, the areas they struggle with and their expectations of marriage are explored.
• Discussing expectations: The couple's views are compared on key areas such as money, family, children, household roles, sexuality and future plans.
• Communication skills: Drawing on a cognitive behavioural approach, we work on active listening, using "I" statements, expressing feelings and constructive problem-solving.
• Conflict management: We examine how the couple behave in moments of disagreement and develop concrete strategies for calming escalating fights and making repairs.
• Family backgrounds: The relationship models, roles and expectations each partner brings from their family are discussed.
• A shared vision: The shared values and goals for the life the couple wants to build together are clarified.

This work can also make it easier for the couple not to hesitate to seek support if problems arise later. You can find more information about communication problems that can arise in marriage in our article on couples therapy, and about how the process is run on our couples therapy service page. Sessions can be held face to face, or online for couples living in different cities.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is premarital counselling only for couples with problems?

No. Premarital work can also be useful for couples who have no clear problem in their relationship. Its aim is to strengthen the relationship and prepare in advance for difficulties that may arise in the early years of marriage.

How many sessions does premarital counselling take?

It is usually a short, focused piece of work made up of a limited number of sessions. However, the number of sessions can vary according to the couple's needs and the topics they want to address.

Could we decide not to marry as a result of counselling?

The aim of this process is neither to steer the couple towards marriage nor to steer them away from it. Some couples feel more sure of their decision by the end, while others may prefer to postpone or choose a different path. In either case, the decision belongs to the couple.

My fiancé(e) doesn't want to come to counselling. What can I do?

It can help to listen to your partner's reservations without judgement, and to explain that this process is done not because something is wrong but to strengthen the relationship. If your partner still does not want to, it is also possible to seek support individually to address your own expectations and worries.

• #marriage preparation
• #engagement period
• #couple relationship
• #healthy marriage

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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