What Is Couples Therapy? Communication Problems and Repeated Arguments in Marriage

What is couples therapy and who is it for? Read about communication problems in marriage, repeated arguments and how the therapy process works.

Every argument ending up in the same place, the same sentences being said again and again, knowing how the fight will end before the conversation has even started... At some point, many couples feel that although they love each other, they cannot reach one another. Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy in which partners work through the blockages in their relationship in a safe setting, accompanied by a neutral professional. Sometimes people turn to it after a major crisis, and sometimes at a point when resentments that have built up over years can no longer be carried. In this article, we look at what couples therapy is, what causes communication problems and repeated arguments in marriage, how the therapy process works and who it may suit.

What Is Couples Therapy?

This form of therapy is a structured process in which two people who are married, living together, engaged or in a long-term relationship work together on the problems in their relationship. The focus in this process is not a single person but the relationship pattern that forms between the two.

The couples therapist's role is not to declare one party right or wrong. The therapist creates a neutral space in which both partners can feel heard, makes the couple's communication cycles visible and helps them develop new ways of interacting.

This process is not only aimed at saving the relationship. While some couples decide in this process to strengthen their relationship, others may find ways to separate with less conflict and with mutual respect. Both outcomes show that the process moves in line with the couple's own needs.

How Do Communication Problems in Marriage Arise?

Communication problems usually develop not all at once but through small ruptures that accumulate over time. Disagreements that seem unimportant at first grow if they are not talked about, and change how the couple sees each other.

Communication problems commonly seen in relationships include:

• Criticism: Sentences that target the personality rather than a specific behaviour. For example, saying "You're so selfish" instead of "You didn't wash the dishes".
• Defensiveness: Instead of listening to the problem the partner has raised, moving to protect yourself or to counter-accuse.
• Contempt: Mockery, eye-rolling, sarcastic comments. This attitude can deeply wound the sense of respect in a relationship.
• Stonewalling: Falling completely silent during an argument, leaving the room, cutting off communication.
• Not listening: Preparing a reply while the partner is speaking, interrupting or changing the subject.
• Expressing needs indirectly: Expecting the partner to guess instead of saying plainly what you want, and feeling hurt when the expectation is not met.

Relationship research shows that these patterns, contempt and stonewalling in particular, can markedly reduce relationship satisfaction over the long term. The good news is that these patterns are learned behaviours and can be changed with new skills.

The Importance of Repair Attempts

One of the most important features that distinguishes healthy relationships is not that couples never argue, but that they can reach each other again after an argument. An apology, a joke, saying "You're right, I shouldn't have put it like that", or simply reaching out a hand are repair attempts that soothe tension. In couples who have been in conflict for a long time, these attempts often go unnoticed or are turned away. This is because accumulated resentment can lead a person to meet even a partner's well-meant step with suspicion. For this reason, therapy looks not only at how arguments begin but also at how they end and how repair can become possible.

Why Do Couples Always Argue About the Same Things?

Many couples notice that the subject of their arguments is not actually all that important: housework, phone use, time spent with family, the way money is spent. But beneath these subjects there are usually deeper needs and fears.

Say a couple often argues because one partner comes home late in the evening. While one says "You're always late, you never think of me", the other thinks "Nothing I do is ever good enough". On the surface the subject seems to be the hours, but underneath, one side feels unimportant and the other feels seen as inadequate. Unless these deeper feelings are talked about, the argument repeats in the same form even when the subject changes.

Dynamics commonly found behind repeated arguments include:

• The pursue–withdraw cycle: While one partner wants to talk, resolve things and get closer, the other pulls back. The more the pursuit grows, the more the withdrawal grows, and the more the withdrawal grows, the more intense the pursuit becomes. We look at the attachment needs behind this cycle in our article on attachment styles.
• Unmet needs: When needs for love, appreciation, support, trust or autonomy are not voiced, resentment builds.
• Wounds carried from the past: Unresolved old hurts resurface in every new argument.
• Different family cultures: Partners bring different habits from different families around conflict, money, raising children and family relationships.

Particular Situations That Strain Couples in Turkey

There are also some contextual factors affecting couples' relationships in Turkey. Close extended-family ties, blurred boundaries with mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law, and families involving themselves in the couple's decisions are among the frequent difficulties. The cost of living and economic uncertainty can increase arguments about money. Long working hours and traffic in big cities can reduce the quality time a couple is able to spend together. Life transitions such as having children, changing jobs or moving to another city also require new balances in the relationship.

In repeated arguments, the real enemy is not your partner but that familiar cycle that wears you both out.

Who Is Couples Therapy For?

This support is not only for couples on the brink of separation. Couples who are going through any of the following may benefit from this process:

• If you often argue about the same things and cannot reach a resolution
• If your conversations turn into arguments quickly
• If you feel you are growing emotionally distant from each other
• If you have experienced infidelity or another event that shook your trust
• If you have deep disagreements about raising children, money or relationships with the extended family
• If you are struggling with a life transition such as having a child, migration or job loss
• If you have difficulty deciding whether to continue the relationship or to separate
• If you want to strengthen your relationship before marriage

For couples who want to put their relationship on a solid footing before marriage, premarital counselling can also be an option.

When Joint Sessions Are Not Appropriate

If there is physical violence, serious threats, fear and controlling behaviour in the relationship, joint sessions may not be the appropriate first approach. In these cases, the priority is ensuring safety and individual support. In an immediate danger, call 112 (emergency services).

Suggestions Couples Can Try on Their Own

Some methods couples can use at home, before starting therapy or as support alongside it, are:

Use "I" Statements

Saying "I feel unimportant when you pay attention to your phone while I'm talking" instead of "You never listen to me" makes it easier for your partner to hear you without becoming defensive.

Learn to Take a Break

When anger rises very high during an argument, talking often does more harm than good. Taking a break by saying "I'm very tense right now, let's talk in twenty minutes", and then really coming back, can prevent the argument from escalating.

Practise Listening

While your partner is speaking, focus on understanding them rather than preparing a reply. Summarising what they have said in your own words ("So you felt ..., have I understood that correctly?") reduces misunderstandings.

Increase Positive Interactions

Healthy relationships contain many positive moments alongside the difficulties. Small thank-yous, showing interest, laughing together and touch all feed a relationship's emotional reserves.

Set Aside Regular Time to Talk

Talking about your relationship once a week, at a calm time when phones are out of reach and the children are asleep, can stop problems from piling up.

Set Family Boundaries Together

In disagreements involving the extended family, it is important that partners act together rather than against each other. Talking in advance about which matters concern only the two of you, what you will share with your families and how often visits will happen can reduce friction.

Don't Carry the Past Into Every Argument

Keeping an argument to a single subject and not bringing up old hurts each time makes it easier to find a solution.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Most couples seek support only after problems have built up for a long time and seriously worn down the relationship. Yet applying earlier often makes change easier. You may consider seeing a specialist in the following situations:

• If arguments are not decreasing despite your own efforts
• If you have started avoiding talking to each other
• If resentment, anger or contempt have become the dominant feelings in the relationship
• If you have experienced an event that shook your trust
• If one of you is seriously thinking about separating
• If the relationship problems have begun to affect your children or your working life

If one partner does not want to come to therapy, the other can seek individual support and begin to understand their own part in the patterns in the relationship.

How Is the Couple Relationship Worked on in Therapy?

The process generally moves through several stages, but it is shaped around each couple's needs.

The Assessment Stage

In the first sessions, the couple's reason for seeking help, their relationship history, their strengths and the areas they struggle with are discussed. At this stage, some therapists also meet each partner separately to hear their individual perspectives. At the end of this stage, the goals of therapy are set together with the couple.

Making the Cycle Visible

In therapy, the cycle underlying the couple's repeated arguments is examined together. The vulnerable feelings beneath the partners' surface reactions, that is anger, criticism or withdrawal, become possible to talk about. In this way, instead of blaming each other, the couple begins to work together to change a shared cycle.

Sharing Vulnerable Feelings

Couples often show each other their anger, criticism and disappointment, but find it hard to show the more vulnerable feelings beneath them: the fear of being left alone, a sense of worthlessness or anxiety about being inadequate. Expressing these feelings in a safe setting in therapy can allow a partner to see the other with fresh eyes. Realising that a partner who is thought of as "always shouting at me" is in fact afraid of not being heard can open the door to a new understanding in the relationship.

Skill Building

In the cognitive-behavioural approach, concrete work is done on communication skills, problem solving, noticing negative thinking patterns and increasing positive interactions. Small tasks can be given for the couple to practise at home between sessions.

What Do Sessions Look Like?

In sessions, both partners are generally given the chance to speak, and the therapist takes care that the conversation does not turn into a contest of blame. When an argument flares up in the session, the therapist can slow the process down, help partners put what they have said to each other in different words, or make the feelings being experienced in that moment visible. Many couples find that they can talk calmly in a session for the first time about a subject that has turned into an argument at home many times. This experience can be an important step in showing that a different kind of communication is possible at home too.

Addressing Specific Issues

Specific areas such as infidelity, differences in parenting, boundaries with the extended family or financial matters are included in the process according to the couple's needs. You can find detailed information about the process that follows infidelity in our article on after infidelity.

Sessions can be held face to face, or, for couples who live in different cities or have busy schedules, continued online. You can find more information on how the process works on our couples therapy service page.

Frequently Asked Questions

How many sessions does couples therapy take?

The number of sessions varies according to the couple's reason for coming, how long the problems have been going on and the couple's goals. Some couples benefit from shorter, focused work, while for others a longer process may be needed. This is assessed together in the first sessions.

What can I do if my partner doesn't want to come to therapy?

Instead of pushing your partner, it can help to try to understand why they are hesitant; sometimes a fear of being judged or blamed lies beneath that reluctance. If your partner still does not want to, you can seek individual support and work on your own part in the patterns in the relationship.

Does the therapist take sides?

No. The couples therapist's job is not to prove one party right, but to understand the relationship itself and the needs of both partners. Both partners feeling heard and safe forms the foundation of the process.

Does couples therapy prevent divorce?

The aim of this process is not to steer the couple towards a particular outcome, but to help the couple see their relationship more clearly and make a considered decision. While many couples strengthen their relationship in this process, some may choose to separate with less conflict; whichever path you choose, it is possible to get support along the way.

• #marriage counselling
• #communication problems
• #arguing in marriage
• #relationship counselling

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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