My Child Is Stealing: A Calm, Effective Approach to a Child Who Takes Other People's Things

Worried because your child is stealing? What it means at each age when a child takes money from a purse or a friend's rubber, and a calm guide to responding.

In the evening, as you empty your child's school bag, you find a glittery rubber in the pencil case that you don't recognise, with another child's name written on it. Or you notice that 200 lira is missing from your purse, and the next day you learn that your child treated friends to toasted sandwiches at the school tuck shop. The first reaction is often to freeze: "Is my child stealing?" That question stirs up shame, anger and fear in a parent all at once. Yet in many situations where it looks as though a child is stealing, what is going on is not a crime in the adult sense but a concept that has not yet settled, an unmet need, or a sign of some other difficulty. In this article we look at what stealing behaviour means at different ages, what you can do in the first moment you discover it, and when it is helpful to consult a specialist.

My Child Is Stealing, or Have "Mine" and "Yours" Simply Not Separated Yet?

What adults call "stealing" involves knowingly taking something that belongs to someone else, without permission and in secret. Each part of that definition is a separate skill that young children have to learn.

Between the ages of two and four, the world is largely split into "things I want" and "things I don't want". Taking a bucket seen in the park home, or slipping a toy car from nursery into a pocket, is very common at this age. The child does not even hide it; they often proudly show it off when they get home. This is not a moral problem; it is simply that the concept of ownership has not developed yet.

Between five and seven, children begin to understand that objects belong to people, but their ability to stop an impulse is still weak. A child really likes a friend's scented pencil, takes it "just for a day", and then feels too embarrassed to give it back. Hiding behaviour can appear at this age, because the child now senses that what they did will not be approved of.

From the age of eight onwards, children know the rules clearly. At this stage, repeated, planned and hidden stealing needs more attention. Even so, it does not mean the child is "bad"; it simply shows that the reason behind the behaviour needs to be looked at more carefully.

This distinction matters, because calling a three-year-old a "thief" teaches them nothing; it only leaves them with a shame they cannot understand.

Why Do Children Take Other People's Belongings or Money?

The behaviour may look the same, but the reason behind it varies from child to child. The most common reasons are:

• Impulsivity: The child wants something very much, and in that moment the inner voice that says "stop" is not strong enough. This can be more pronounced in children who struggle with attention and impulse control.
• Wanting to belong to the peer group: When everyone has the same trading cards or the same brand of pen and they don't, a child may look for a way to close that gap. Treating friends at the tuck shop can let a child feel briefly "liked".
• Not understanding the value of money and effort: In homes where payments are made by card and shopping is ordered from a phone, a child may never see where money comes from. The note in Mum's purse can seem like a "shared pool".
• Jealousy or anger: Hiding a sibling's toy or taking a friend's favourite thing can be the outward expression of an anger that cannot be put into words.
• Emotional emptiness: During periods such as the birth of a new sibling, a divorce, a house move, or one parent working far away for a long time, a child may try to fill an inner gap by collecting objects. Sometimes it is not the object that matters but the feeling of "having something".
• Seeking attention: A child who feels overlooked may discover that even being caught is a form of attention.
• Financial strain: When the cost of living rises, "there's no money" is often heard at home. Some children feel ashamed to say what they want and try to quietly sort it out themselves.
• Pressure or coercion: Rarely, a child may be being forced by older children to bring money. This possibility must always be kept in mind, especially if the child does not want to go to school and seems tense and frightened.

Understanding which of these reasons applies also shapes how you respond. For example, the same approach will not help both a child who takes money under peer pressure and a child who fills an emotional gap with objects.

If Your Child Is Stealing, What Should You Do in the First Moment?

The moment you discover what happened is probably also the moment you feel most emotional. So the first step is to calm yourself for a few minutes before you start talking. A conversation that begins in anger pushes a child into defensiveness and, very often, into lying.

Avoid trap questions

Asking a question you already know the answer to ("Where did this rubber come from?") gives your child an opportunity to lie. Instead, say what you know in a calm voice: "I saw Elif's rubber in your bag. We need to talk about it." That way the conversation does not turn into a contest to extract a confession. For a broader framework on lying, you can read our article my child is lying.

Criticise the behaviour, don't label the child

Sentences such as "You're a thief", "That sort of thing doesn't happen in our family" or "You'll end up in prison when you grow up" touch the child's identity. If a child starts to see themselves as a "thief", behaving in line with that label can become easier for them. Saying "Taking someone else's things without permission is not right" is a message that is both clear and open to repair.

Be curious about the reason, but don't interrogate

Children often answer "Why did you do it?" with "I don't know", because they genuinely don't know. Instead, you can gently voice your guesses: "Maybe you really liked that rubber. Maybe you wanted to have something like it too." If your child recognises themselves in your guess, they feel relieved and the conversation opens up.

Plan the repair together

Focusing on making amends rather than on punishment is a more effective way of teaching responsibility. The item should go back to its owner; plan this step with your child. A child may not be ready to go to a friend alone and say, "I'm sorry, I took this." Talking to the teacher beforehand and arranging for the item to be returned quietly in class protects the child's dignity. If money taken from home is involved, an age-appropriate way of making amends can be agreed (such as setting aside a small part of their pocket money for a few weeks, or taking on an extra job at home).

Don't expose them in front of others

Telling your child off in front of relatives, making them apologise in front of the class, or sharing the incident in the family WhatsApp group puts shame in front of what you want to teach. A child who is ashamed does not learn the lesson; they learn to hide.

The aim of responding to stealing is not to shame the child but to show them that they can repair what they have done.

A Child Taking Money at Home: A Common Picture in Turkish Households

The situation that shakes parents most is when money is taken from within the family. The thought "Is my child stealing from us?" brings a sense that trust has been damaged. Yet taking money at home is often the most "accessible" and least dangerous-seeming route; a child does not perceive it as the same thing as taking from a stranger.

In many families in Turkey, money is not talked about openly with children. A child collects pocket money from older relatives during bayram (the religious holidays), but what this money is and what it will be spent on often remains unclear. The school tuck shop, the corner shop where the school bus stops, the neighbourhood arcade, or in-app purchases in phone games constantly put spending opportunities in front of a child. Some children do not even see buying things inside a game with the card saved on a parent's phone as "spending real money".

Here is what you can do:

• Set up a regular, age-appropriate pocket money system. A child who has money of their own learns to budget and can reach the small things they want in a legitimate way. Our article pocket money for children contains detailed suggestions.
• Put money on the family agenda. Giving your child a small budget at the weekly market and asking them to make choices teaches, through experience, that money is limited.
• Don't leave cash and cards lying around. This is not a lack of trust in your child; it is protecting them from an unnecessary test.
• Turn off payment permissions on phones. Requiring a password for every purchase in app stores prevents spending that happens without anyone realising.

What Should You Look Out for If Stealing Keeps Happening?

A one-off incident, handled well, usually does not happen again. But if the thought "my child is stealing" has been on your mind for months and the behaviour continues, it is worth stepping back and looking at the whole picture. Asking yourself these questions can help:

• Has anything changed at home in recent months? A new sibling, a move, a separation, the loss of someone close, financial difficulty?
• Is the child making friends at school, or being left out? Are they giving away the things they take?
• Are the items being used, or collected and hidden somewhere?
• Does the child show remorse when caught, or seem completely indifferent?
• Is the stealing accompanied by other behaviours such as lying, skipping school, aggression or damaging property?

Sometimes the answers show a parent something unexpected. Suppose a nine-year-old began taking friends' small belongings after his father moved to another city for work. The items are never used; they sit in a box under the bed. In a situation like this, what really needs to be talked about is not the rubbers but the disconnection in the child's relationship with his father and the longing about it that cannot be put into words.

When the behaviour repeats, setting stricter rules is not enough on its own. What is needed is an approach that sees the child's need, keeps the limit firm and protects the relationship. Our article on positive discipline can also help you find that balance.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Most children stop this behaviour when parents respond in a calm and consistent way. Even so, it is helpful to ask for an assessment from a mental health professional who works with children and adolescents in the following situations:

• If the behaviour continues for weeks and months despite clear, calm responses
• If your child is of school age and the stealing is planned, secret and involves growing amounts
• If your child shows no remorse or upset at all when caught
• If the stealing is accompanied by behaviours such as lying, harming animals or people, or running away from home
• If the onset of the behaviour coincides in timing with a loss, a separation, witnessing violence or another difficult experience
• If you suspect your child is being forced by someone else to bring money (in this case it is also necessary to contact the school management straight away)
• If you, as a parent, are struggling to control your anger or disappointment and feel the atmosphere at home is constantly tense

These signs do not on their own mean any diagnosis. An assessment by a specialist helps you understand what lies behind the behaviour and draw up a plan that suits you.

How Is Stealing Behaviour Addressed in Therapy?

The first step in the assessment process is usually a detailed meeting with the parents. When the behaviour started, in which situations it repeats, and how it has been responded to at home and at school are all discussed. Information from the teacher also helps complete the picture.

When working with young children, play is the child's language. In child-centred play therapy, a child has the chance to express, through toys, the jealousy, sense of lack or anger they cannot put into words. A doll that keeps "losing" things in the playroom, or an animal figure that secretly takes the others' food, often carries valuable clues about the child's inner world. You can find more about this approach on our child and play therapy page.

With older children, a cognitive behavioural approach can be used. Examining with the child the moment just before the behaviour ("When you saw the pencil, what went through your mind? What did you feel in your body?") teaches them to notice the impulse and find another option in that moment. Skills such as putting what they want into words, waiting and taking turns are worked on in small steps.

Parent guidance is an inseparable part of this process. A parent's own childhood experiences ("I once took money from my mother's purse, and my father didn't speak to me for days") can shape how they react today. Noticing these connections makes it easier for a parent to stay calmer and more consistent.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child denies taking it. Should I insist that they admit it?

Pressing for a confession usually strengthens the denial. If you have clear information, it is more helpful to state it calmly and steer the conversation towards repair. Children find it easier to say "I did it" when they feel safe.

Is making them take the item back a form of shaming?

Returning the item is an important part of taking responsibility; what can be shaming is not the return itself but how it is done. Rather than in front of everyone, you can plan it with the teacher's support, or face to face with only the owner, in a calm setting with you beside your child.

We walked out of a shop with something and I didn't notice at the till. What should I do now?

Going back to the shop with your child to return the item or pay for it is a powerful experience that shows them how responsibility is taken. It is enough to do this without turning it into a ceremony of punishment, simply saying, "When we make a mistake, we go and put it right."

Is taking and hiding a sibling's things also stealing?

Taking and hiding things between siblings is often an expression of jealousy or difficulty with sharing. The rule still needs to be clear, but the main focus here should be on opening a space where your child can talk about their feelings towards their sibling.

• #stealing in children
• #taking money at home
• #honesty
• #parenting approach
• #behaviour problems

Yazar

Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

Eğitimler