Child Won't Talk About School: What to Ask Instead of How Was It?

Child won't talk about school and answers fine to every question? Why children go quiet, questions that open up conversation and signs to watch for.

"How was school?" "Fine." "What did you do?" "Nothing." "What was for lunch?" "Can't remember." This short conversation takes place in almost exactly the same way every evening in many homes. The parent wants to find out what they have been wondering about all day, while the child seems to close a door. Then at dinner, at a completely unexpected moment, they launch into a long story beginning "Today the teacher got really cross with Ece, and Ece cried." Even when a child won't talk about school, they very often want to; it is just that the question we ask, the time we choose or the reaction we give does not suit them. In this article we look at the possible reasons for this silence, questions that open up conversation, and situations that call for attention.

Child Won't Talk About School: Why?

Most children who don't share their school day have no problem. Behind the silence there are usually developmental and everyday reasons.

"How was it?" is too big a question

A six- or seven-hour day is made up of dozens of small events, several lessons, two breaks, a meal and countless feelings. The question "How was it?" asks the child to squeeze all of this into a single word. This kind of summarising, hard even for adults, is often impossible for a child. The easiest answer is "Fine".

The child is tired

For a child, a school day is spent not only learning but following rules, waiting their turn, managing friendships and keeping their feelings under control. When they get home, what they need is not to talk but to rest. Questions asked the moment they walk through the door can feel to the child like one more test.

Time and memory work differently

In young children's minds, events are not always stored in clock order. A child who seems to have forgotten something that happened in the morning may remember the same event in the finest detail in the bath that evening. Memories come alive when they meet a related cue.

School is their own world

As children grow, school becomes a separate world where the parent is absent and where they build their own relationships. Not telling everything can be part of healthy independence and a sense of privacy. It is ordinary for children, especially from around seven or eight, to keep some things to themselves.

Earlier reactions

If, when a child once told their parent they had fallen out with a friend, the parent got angry straight away, rang the teacher or interrogated them with "What did you do to make him say that?", the child may learn not to tell next time. Children observe very closely what happens after they tell.

The questions are always about lessons

Many parents' after-school questions focus on achievement without them realising: "What did you get in the test?", "Did the teacher praise you?", "Have you finished your reading book?" In a school life surrounded by report cards, parents' evenings and homework lists shared in parents' groups, this is understandable. But if the child starts to experience every evening chat as a little exam, it looks as though the child won't talk about school; in fact they are simply avoiding being assessed. For a child, the most important part of school is often not the lessons but who they played with at break, who fell out with them and how the teacher looked at them. Shifting some of your questions into this territory changes the tone of the conversation.

Temperament

Some children naturally talk less, are more introverted or show their feelings through behaviour rather than words. Expecting a detailed account from these children every day can make them close up even more.

Questions to Ask Instead of "How Was It?"

Instead of general questions, concrete, small questions that spark curiosity often open more doors. Rather than asking all of them every day, pick one or two:

• What made you laugh most today?
• Who did you play with at break? What did you play?
• What was the teacher excited about today?
• Who did you sit next to today? What are they like?
• Did anyone get into trouble in class today?
• Was there a moment today when you were bored? When?
• Did you help anyone at school today, or did anyone help you?
• If you had a magic wand, what would you change at school?
• Is there a new word you learned today?
• What are you looking forward to most at school tomorrow?

What these questions have in common is that they are concrete enough that the child cannot brush them off in one word, yet not hard to answer. Some questions, such as "Did anyone get into trouble?", make use of the fact that children find it easier to talk about others than about themselves. While describing someone else, a child very often describes themselves too.

Children don't answer questions, they answer interest. It is not so much what you ask as how you listen that shapes the next story.

Catching the Right Moment

Children talk most at moments when they feel relaxed and under no pressure. These moments are often not the ones the parent expects.

• Not at the school gate, but a little later: When they get home, first a snack, some free time and rest. Questions find answers more easily an hour later.
• While busy with something: When you are making a salad together, folding laundry, doing a jigsaw or out on a walk, the pressure of eye contact eases and conversation flows of its own accord.
• Before bed: When the lights go down, many children suddenly become chatty. This can sometimes look like a tactic to delay bedtime, but it also has to do with the day's feelings only rising to the surface in that quiet. Making room for a few extra minutes of this conversation is worthwhile.
• At weekend breakfast: At an unhurried table, away from the rush of school, children often remember and tell about what happened during the week of their own accord.
• In the bath: Warm water and toys make a relaxing setting for young children and are surprisingly productive for conversation.

Habits That Open Up Conversation

Tell first

At dinner, share something short and concrete from your own day: "My computer froze at work today and I got really annoyed, then a colleague helped me." This shows the child what sharing looks like and makes the conversation two-way.

A family game: Good, hard, curious

Each family member says at the table a good moment from their day, a hard moment, and something they are curious about tomorrow. This structure gives the child a framework for what to tell, and shows that negative feelings can be talked about too.

Don't rush to fix things when they tell you

When a child says "Kaan called me stupid today", our first reaction is usually to come up with a solution: "Did you tell the teacher? You should say to him..." But in that moment the child often just wants to be heard. A sentence such as "That must have upset you" lets the story continue. A solution can be thought through together later if needed.

Let's say a nine-year-old girl tells her mother that her group of friends would not let her join in their game at break. Her mother immediately says "I'll talk to the teacher tomorrow", and the next day the teacher raises the matter in class. The girl is embarrassed in front of her friends and decides not to mention the next similar incident. If her mother had first just listened, and then asked "What would you like to do, would you like me to do anything?", the girl could have felt both heard and part of the process. Unless there is serious harm or a safety issue, deciding together with the child how to intervene protects trust.

Don't interrogate, be curious

Questions fired one after another create the atmosphere of an interrogation. Ask one question, listen to the answer, and reflect something from within the answer back with curiosity: "So Ece cried. What do you think might have happened?"

Get to know your child's world

Knowing the names of classmates and the teacher, and the games they play at school, makes your questions concrete. Instead of "What did you do at school?", the question "Did you and Defne skip again today?" finds an answer much more easily.

Adjust your expectations to their age

A child of kindergarten age often tells you about their day not in words but through play. If they come home and play "teacher" with their dolls, watching that game can tell you a great deal about the school day. In the first years of primary school, children are more inclined to tell concrete details: what was for lunch, who fell over, which game was played. Around the age of nine or ten, issues such as fairness, friendship groups and being left out come to the fore, and the child shares these only when they trust they won't be judged. Trying doors that suit the child's stage of development, rather than expecting the same kind of account at every age, reduces disappointment.

The school bag and exercise books are clues

A drawing in the homework book, a leaf taken out of the bag or a note written on a piece of paper is a good opportunity to start a conversation: "Did you do this picture today? What is it about?"

These habits are intertwined with the overall quality of the relationship with the child. Short, enjoyable, screen-free times spent together during the day also increase a child's willingness to share their school day. Our article on quality time with your child may give you ideas.

Child Won't Talk About School: When to Pay Attention?

Silence is usually ordinary. However, if certain changes accompany the silence, a closer look is needed:

• If a child who used to talk about school happily has suddenly gone completely quiet
• If they don't want to go to school, or have tummy aches or headaches in the mornings
• If their belongings often go missing or get torn, or their packed lunch comes back untouched
• If they never mention friends, are not invited to birthday parties or hint that they are alone at break
• If there are marked changes in their sleep, appetite or control of anger
• If they become uneasy when talking about a particular person or place connected with school

These signs may herald peer bullying, a learning difficulty, social anxiety or another kind of distress. For the signs of bullying and the steps parents can take, you can look at our article on peer bullying. In these situations, getting in touch with the teacher and the school's guidance service is an important step.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It can be helpful to consult a mental health professional who works with children in these situations:

• If several of the warning signs above are seen together and have lasted for a few weeks
• If, after an incident at school, the child has withdrawn, or fears or nightmares have begun
• If the child never talks about their feelings at all, not only about school, and shows their feelings through outbursts of anger or physical complaints
• If communication between parent and child has turned into a constant cycle of interrogation and avoidance

How Are Communication Difficulties Addressed in Therapy?

In work with children who don't talk about school, the first aim is to understand what this silence means: is it developmental and to do with temperament, or is it a sign of a burden the child is carrying but cannot put into words? To answer this, the child's developmental history, experiences of school and friendship, the family's way of communicating and the teacher's observations are assessed together.

Young children often express their feelings and experiences not in words but through play. In the course of play therapy, a child can bring out the difficulties they experience at school through toy figures, puppets or drawings. This allows what the child cannot say to become visible. With school-age children, drawing on the cognitive behavioural approach, work can be done on the skills of recognising, naming and expressing feelings.

In parent sessions, the focus is on skills such as listening without interrogating, reflecting feelings and responding calmly to what the child tells. For more information, you can look at the child and play therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

His brother tells us everything. Why won't he?

Siblings can be very different from each other in temperament. Next to a talkative sibling, a quieter child may find it hard to get a word in, or may feel compared. Creating short one-to-one times with the quieter child gives them room to tell things at their own pace.

Should I ask her about something I heard in the parents' WhatsApp group?

Asking directly about an incident you heard about in the group, as in "There was a fight in class today, where were you?", can give the child the feeling that they are being talked about. Instead, open the door with a general question: "Did anything interesting happen in class today?" If the child doesn't say anything, don't press, unless it is a serious matter.

Is it right to get information from the teacher?

Regular contact with the teacher is valuable for understanding your child's school life. But passing on what you learn from the teacher to your child as "Your teacher told me that..." can shake their trust. It is more helpful to use the information you get from the teacher to shape your own questions.

He always says "I can't remember". Could he really not remember?

Yes, he could. It is hard for young children to recall the day's events in order, and memories usually come alive with a cue. "I can't remember" sometimes also means "I don't want to talk right now". In both cases, rather than pressing, trying again later with a concrete cue works better.

• #communicating with children
• #school day
• #parent-child relationship
• #adjusting to school
• #open-ended questions

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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