The teacher is complaining about my child: what now? Understanding behaviour complaints, preparing to meet the teacher and agreeing a joint plan.
A message arrives on your phone late in the afternoon: "Hello, today he disturbed his classmates in lessons again and didn't stay in his seat despite my warnings. Could we meet?" The moment you read it, several feelings surge up at once: shame, the urge to protect your child, a defensive reflex towards the teacher and perhaps a weary "Not again?" When you find yourself thinking "A teacher complaining about my child, what now?", not knowing what to do in that moment is completely understandable. In this article we look at how you can make sense of behaviour complaints from a teacher, how to prepare for the meeting, how to talk with your child and how to build a joint plan by standing on the same side as the school.
Teacher Complaining About My Child: First Feelings and First Reactions
A complaint from a teacher is often perceived by parents as a criticism of their own parenting. The thought "So I'm not bringing my child up properly" makes it easy to become defensive. Some parents immediately blame the teacher: "My child is never like this at home; the teacher doesn't like him." Others, on the contrary, tell the child off and hand out a punishment before they are even through the door.
Both reactions are understandable, but neither helps solve the problem. Blaming the teacher damages the cooperation that could be built with the school from the very start. Punishing the child immediately leaves them alone at home too, at the end of a day in which they have already had a problem at school.
The most useful thing you can do as a first reaction is to pause briefly. Instead of immediately writing a long reply to the message, a calm response such as "Thank you for letting me know, I'd like to talk. Is there a time that suits you?" both shows the teacher that you take it seriously and buys you time to think.
What Do Teachers Complain About?
In primary and middle school, the complaints teachers pass on to parents mostly fall under a few headings:
- Behaviours that disrupt the class: Not staying seated, talking without permission, wandering around the classroom, distracting classmates.
- Conflict with classmates: Hitting, pushing, taking their things, teasing or leaving them out of games.
- Not following rules: Objecting to the teacher's instructions, ignoring them, going against the rules.
- Homework and participation: Not doing homework, dozing in lessons, constantly forgetting equipment.
- Emotional reactions: Frequent crying, outbursts of anger, sulking, withdrawing.
In Turkey, these complaints sometimes do not come only from the teacher. Another parent writing in the class parents' WhatsApp group, "Apparently there's a pupil who keeps starting fights in class", conversations at the school gate at home time, or a parent calling you directly can make the situation feel much heavier. When the teacher is complaining about your child, you may feel that the eyes of a whole class are on your child. At this point, rather than getting into an argument in the group, talking about the matter face to face with the teacher through a private channel both protects your child's privacy and stops the tension from growing. It is possible to understand other parents' worries; but they are not the ones who will make decisions about your child; the school and you are.
Not every complaint carries the same weight. Talking now and then during a lesson and regularly hurting a classmate require different interventions. That is why clarifying the content of the complaint is a precondition for deciding which steps to take.
What Might Lie Behind Behaviour Seen at School?
Behaviour that appears at school is often a language trying to express a need or difficulty the child has. Some of the possible reasons are:
Attention and restlessness
Children who struggle to stay seated for long, sustain their attention and control their impulses receive frequent warnings in the classroom. If these signs are also seen outside school, an assessment with regard to ADHD symptoms may be considered. However, this diagnosis can only be made through specialist assessment.
Learning difficulties
A child who can't follow what is explained in the lesson, or who struggles to read or write, gets bored and may show this through movement, talking or switching off from the lesson. Behaviour seen as "naughtiness" may actually be a way of saying "I don't understand this lesson."
Changes at home
A new sibling, parents separating, moving house, the illness or loss of someone close, or increased tension at home due to financial hardship can be reflected in a child's behaviour at school. Children often release the anxiety they experience at home away from home, in a setting where they feel safer.
Friendship problems
A child who is excluded, mocked or bullied may behave aggressively to protect themselves. Conversely, a child who hurts other children may also have feelings inside that they can't cope with. If you are receiving complaints that your child is hurting others, our article on my child is bullying others may offer guidance.
Sleep, hunger and tiredness
A child who goes to bed late, gets on the school bus without breakfast or rushes to a busy after-school programme quickly runs out of patience and attention.
Fit with the teacher
Sometimes a difference in temperament between the child and the teacher can make behaviours more visible. This doesn't mean the teacher or the child is "bad"; it just shows that this relationship needs a little more care.
How Should You Prepare for the Meeting with the Teacher?
Meeting the teacher face to face is much more constructive than exchanging messages. Making some preparations before you go helps the conversation be productive.
Write your questions down beforehand. In an emotional meeting it is easy to forget what you meant to ask. These questions help you make the complaint concrete:
- In which lesson, and at what time of day, does the behaviour appear most?
- What usually happens just before the behaviour?
- What happens in the classroom after the behaviour, and how does the child react?
- How long have you been noticing this?
- When does the child do well and have no problems?
- Is there anything you have tried in class that has worked?
Be ready to share your observations from home. Do you see similar behaviour at home? Has anything changed at home recently? This information helps the teacher understand the child better. You don't have to go into detail about family matters you want to keep private; even saying "We've been going through a difficult time at home in recent months" can change the teacher's perspective.
Remind yourself of the purpose of the meeting. This meeting is not about deciding who is right; it is about helping your child have a better day at school. Keeping this in mind before you walk through the door brings you back to the shared goal at moments that might slip into an argument. Making a short summary at the end of the meeting ("So we'll try this for two weeks and talk again") also stops what was said from being left up in the air.
Try to go to the meeting together with your partner. Both parents being involved shows both the teacher and the child that the family has a shared approach.
When the Teacher Is Complaining About My Child: How Do You Build Cooperation with the School?
Listen first, then talk
At the start of the meeting, listen to what the teacher says without interrupting. Even if there are points you disagree with, first show that you understand: "I can see this situation is difficult for you in class too." A teacher who feels heard is also more open to listening to your point of view.
Set a shared, small goal
Instead of a general goal such as "He should behave better", set an observable and small goal: "Reducing the number of times he talks without permission in maths lessons" or "Not raising a hand against classmates at break time." Focusing on a single behaviour at a time makes it easier for both the child and the teacher to notice change.
Set up a regular, brief communication channel
A short weekly note, a communication notebook or a simple evaluation card at the end of the day allows things to be followed up before the problem grows. It is important that this communication is not only about problems but also about good days. A note such as "He joined in really well in maths today" motivates both the child and you.
Use consistent language at home and at school
Talking about a rule applied at school with the same words at home helps the child understand expectations more clearly. For example, if the teacher says "Put your hand up to speak", you can remind them about waiting their turn in the same way in conversations at home.
Don't give a double punishment
Giving a second punishment at home for a behaviour that has already had a consequence at school can lead the child to build up anger towards both school and home. What needs to happen at home is not punishment so much as trying to understand what happened and thinking together about what could be done next time.
Involve the guidance service
The school's counsellor or guidance teacher can observe in the classroom, plan individual sessions with the child and build a bridge between the teacher and the family. Especially if the complaints continue, the guidance service's support is very valuable.
When a child sees their family and their teacher standing on the same side, they find the trust they need to change.
How Should You Talk with Your Child?
After meeting the teacher, the conversation with your child should be a curious chat rather than an interrogation.
At a suitable moment, for example while walking together or after dinner, you could start like this: "I talked to your teacher. She said that sometimes you find it hard to stay in your seat in class. What do you think? What happens in class?" This question gives the child a chance to tell their own story.
What your child tells you may sometimes differ from what the teacher said. In this case, rather than deciding immediately that one of them is right, accept that there may be two points of view. Saying "It sounds like a difficult situation for you too. Let's think about how your teacher and I can help you" invites the child to take responsibility without being blamed.
Let's say a complaint comes in about a second-grade child constantly taking a classmate's pencils in lessons. In a calm conversation the child explains that their classmate's pencils are really lovely, while they are embarrassed because their own pencil case is old. In this case the solution is not to accuse the child with the label "thief", but to understand their feeling, talk calmly about the rule of not touching other people's things without permission, and find other ways together to meet their need.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Occasional complaints are an ordinary part of school life. However, it may be helpful to get support from a professional in the following situations:
- If the complaints have continued for months and are not decreasing despite the joint efforts of school and family
- If behaviour problems are seen not only at school but also at home and in other social settings
- If the child is harming classmates or themselves
- If there are marked difficulties with attention, restlessness or learning
- If the child doesn't want to go to school and often has tummy aches or headaches
- If outbursts of anger, intense sadness or withdrawal have become marked
These signs alone do not mean a diagnosis. But if there is an underlying attention, learning or emotional difficulty, noticing it early can change the child's school experience for the better. If necessary, an assessment by a child and adolescent psychiatrist can also be added to the process.
How Are School-Related Behaviour Problems Approached in Therapy?
In child and play therapy, behaviour problems that appear at school are addressed by assessing the child's emotional world, relationships within the family and the school environment together.
Comprehensive assessment: Through sessions with the parents, play- and drawing-based sessions with the child and, where needed, information from the teacher, we try to understand when, where and why the behaviour appears.
Play therapy: Young children express the difficulties they face at school, and the feelings that come with them, through play. In a safe therapeutic setting these feelings are worked through and the child's self-regulation skills are supported.
Cognitive behavioural techniques: With slightly older children, work is done on noticing anger, controlling impulses, problem-solving and friendship skills.
Family and school cooperation: Parents are supported in setting consistent limits at home, noticing positive behaviour and communicating with the school. Where needed, and with the family's consent, information is shared with the school to build a joint plan.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do if I think the teacher is being unfair to my child?
First, have a direct, calm meeting with the teacher and share your observations with concrete examples. If the problem continues, you can talk to the school's guidance service or the school management; but take care not to discuss these matters in front of your child.
Should I change my child's class or school?
Changing class or school may be an option if the source of the problem really is a mismatch with the teacher or the classroom environment. But a change made without understanding the cause of the behaviour can lead to the same problem repeating itself in the new setting.
The teacher said my child might have attention deficit. What should I do?
The teacher's observation is valuable information, but it is not a diagnosis. Taking this observation seriously and having a comprehensive assessment with a child and adolescent psychiatrist is the healthiest way to clear up the uncertainty.
Should I pass on everything the teacher said to my child?
Passing on every detail can overwhelm the child and lead them to take against the teacher. Instead, summarising the problem briefly and calmly and focusing on how it can be solved together is more constructive.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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