My Child Is Bullying Others: A Parent's Approach to a Child Who Bullies

The school called to say my child is bullying others: what now? Why children bully, how to talk to your child, steps at home and with school, and support.

Your phone rings at lunchtime; it is the school counsellor. Her voice is calm but serious: for several weeks your son, who is in Year 4, has apparently been taking a classmate's packed lunch, calling him "fatty" and steering the other children not to play with him. After you hang up, the first thing you feel may be disbelief: "My son would never do that; at home he's so gentle he won't even upset his little sister." Or perhaps anger: "Just wait till he gets home!" Both reactions are entirely human. However, a parent who is confronted with the sentence my child is bullying others holds a very valuable opportunity to change the situation. Children who bully also need support, and the family's attitude is decisive in whether this behaviour continues. In this article we look at what bullying is, why children may bully, and what steps you can take as a parent.

My Child Is Bullying Others: What Should Your First Reaction Be?

When news like this comes from school, parents' reactions usually swing to one of two extremes. At one extreme there is denial: "The other child must have provoked him too", "These things happen between children", "The teacher doesn't like my son anyway." At the other extreme there is intense anger and heavy punishment: the phone confiscated for months, shouting, even physical punishment.

Both reactions are understandable, but neither solves the problem. Denial teaches the child that their behaviour has no consequences. Overly harsh reactions, on the other hand, put the child on the defensive, increase shame and often result in the behaviour being hidden from adults. What is more, a parent who shouts or hits unwittingly reinforces the message that "the strong crush the weak".

The first step is to notice your own feelings and give yourself a little time. Then:

• Listen to what the school tells you in detail, without becoming defensive: since when, in which settings, together with whom?
• Arrange a meeting with the school and state clearly that you want to work together.
• Plan to talk with your child at a calm time, rather than demanding an explanation the moment they walk in the door.

Do not overlook one point either: the school may be telling you for the first time, but the behaviour has often been going on for some time. So rather than waiting with the thought "It's a one-off, it'll pass", addressing the issue straight away is the most protective course, both for the targeted child and for your own child.

Remember: bullying does not mean your child is a "bad child". It means there is something they need to learn, and that they need you in that learning.

What Is Bullying, and How Is It Different From an Ordinary Children's Fight?

Not every children's fight or rough joke is bullying. For us to speak of bullying, three features are generally present together:

• Intent: The behaviour aims to hurt, frighten or humiliate the other person.
• Repetition: It is not a one-off argument, but an ongoing pattern of behaviour directed at a particular child.
• An imbalance of power: The child who bullies is in a stronger position in terms of physical strength, popularity, age or numbers; the targeted child struggles to defend themselves.

Bullying can take different forms:

• Physical: Pushing, hitting, kicking, taking or breaking their belongings
• Verbal: Name-calling, mocking, belittling, threatening
• Relational: Excluding from the group, spreading gossip, steering others not to talk to that child
• Cyber: Mockery, exclusion or sharing photos on messaging apps, gaming platforms or social media

We covered in detail what children who are bullied go through and how they can be supported in our article on peer bullying. In this article, we focus on the other side of the coin: the child who bullies.

Why Do Children Bully?

Behind bullying behaviour there are often unmet needs or learned patterns. Understanding these is necessary not to excuse the behaviour, but to change it.

The search for power and status: Especially in the last years of primary school and in middle school, being respected and popular within the group becomes very important to a child. Some children try to gain this status by humiliating others; the laughter around them rewards the behaviour.

Ways of relating learned at home: A child who grows up in an environment where problems are solved by shouting, threats or hitting may carry this model into their relationships with peers. A persistent, harsh hierarchy between siblings can have a similar effect.

Being bullied themselves: Some children who bully are themselves bullied in another setting (at school, in the neighbourhood, or by an older sibling at home). What they experience where they feel powerless, they may repeat where they feel powerful.

Difficulties with emotion regulation and empathy: Children who find it hard to express anger, jealousy or disappointment in healthy ways may direct these feelings at someone they see as weaker. Difficulty noticing another person's pain also makes it easier for the behaviour to continue.

Impulsivity: Some children who have difficulties with attention and impulse control may realise late how much the jokes and actions they carry out without thinking hurt the other person.

Cultural messages: Sentences such as "A real man doesn't get pushed around", "Hit him back" or "Be strong, never give in to anyone", even when said with good intentions, can code displays of power as valuable behaviour.

Difficult times in the family: Parents divorcing, the birth of a new sibling, unemployment or increased tension at home because of the rising cost of living can lead a child to feel powerless and invisible. They may express the feelings they cannot control at home in a relationship at school that they can control. So thinking about when the behaviour started, and what was happening in the family at that time, offers an important clue.

Unsupervised digital environments: Online games and messaging groups offer a space away from adult eyes. It is well known that words that could not be said face to face are said more easily behind a screen.

How Should You Talk to a Child Who Bullies?

The aim of the conversation is not to interrogate the child or extract a confession, but to understand them and help them take responsibility for the behaviour.

Choose a calm moment. Not at the school gate, in the car or at the dinner table in front of everyone, but one to one and without rushing.

Be open and clear. "The school called. They said you've been pressuring Emre to give you his packed lunch and calling him names. We need to talk about this." Name the specific behaviours rather than using vague expressions.

Listen first. "What's been going on? Can you tell me?" Your child may deny it, blame someone else or play the incident down. Do not get into an argument straight away; listen to what they say, then come back to the main point of the conversation.

Separate the behaviour from the person. Saying "This behaviour really hurts a friend of yours and it is not acceptable" instead of "You're a bad child" leaves a door open to the possibility that the child can change.

Invite them to see it through the other child's eyes. "How would you feel if you knew that every day when you went to school someone would take your lunch and call you names?" This question should be asked not to accuse, but to awaken empathy.

Be curious about what is going on. "What were you feeling while you were doing that?", "Is there something at school that's been hard for you?" Sometimes these questions give the child the chance to talk about a difficulty they themselves are going through.

My Child Is Bullying Others: What Steps Should Be Taken at Home?

A clear limit and a consistent consequence

It must be stated clearly that bullying is unacceptable. Consequences should be linked to the behaviour and predictable: for example, if the bullying is happening in a messaging group, a limit on the use of that group and the phone for a while. You can find how to set up logical consequences like these, instead of excessive punishments given in anger, in our article on positive discipline.

Create an opportunity for repair

Taking responsibility is not just saying sorry. Think together with your child about how they could repair the harm: a written letter of apology, replacing what was taken, a positive gesture towards that classmate at school. Repair teaches the child that what they did can be put right and that they can be an active part of this process. Repair steps should be planned together with the school, taking care that the targeted child is not forced into a confrontation they do not want.

Review the way relationships are conducted at home

How are problems solved at home? Is there mockery and belittling between siblings? Do the parents shout at each other or at the children? These questions are not for blaming but for understanding what models the child sees. Respectful communication at home is directly reflected in behaviour at school.

Keep track of the digital world

It is important to know which games your child plays and which messaging groups they are in, providing reasonable supervision without removing their privacy entirely. Rules such as the phone not staying in the bedroom and being used in shared spaces can help.

Direct power towards positive areas

Channelling the energy of a child who likes to lead and wants to stand out in the group into team sports, class duties or responsibilities such as helping younger children teaches them to use power constructively.

Stay in regular contact with the school

A single meeting is not enough. Exchanging information regularly with the school counsellor over several weeks lets you monitor whether the behaviour is really changing. Home and school speaking the same language helps the child grasp the message clearly.

Make room for your own feelings too

Facing the reality that "my child is bullying others" is shattering for a parent as well. Shame, guilt, the question "Where did I go wrong?", wariness of other parents' looks and the worry of being talked about in the parents' WhatsApp group can all be felt at once. Sharing these feelings with your partner or someone you trust makes it easier to stay calmer and more consistent with your child. Rather than settling for blaming yourself, focusing on what you can do differently from now on lightens both your load and your child's.

What changes a child who bullies is not shame, but an adult who believes they can take responsibility and behave differently.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

In the following situations it is helpful to get support from a child mental health specialist:

• If the bullying behaviour continues despite intervention by the school and the family
• If the child shows aggressive behaviour in more than one setting (home, school, neighbourhood)
• If it is accompanied by behaviours such as harming animals or deliberately destroying property
• If the child seems markedly indifferent to other people's pain
• If you think there is intense anger, anxiety, sadness or attention difficulty behind the behaviour
• If you suspect that your child has themselves been exposed to bullying or violence

These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they make a thorough assessment of the causes underlying the behaviour necessary. If there is violence in the family, addressing this separately and ensuring safety is the priority.

How Is a Child Who Bullies Worked With in Therapy?

The therapy process begins with meetings with the parents and, where necessary, with the school. When the behaviour started, in which situations it recurs, the relationship dynamics in the family and the child's general emotional state are assessed.

Cognitive behavioural approach: With school-age children, the feelings and thoughts experienced before the bullying behaviour are identified. Thoughts that justify the behaviour, such as "He deserves it" or "It was only a joke", are questioned. Anger management, empathy and problem-solving skills are practised with concrete examples and role play.

Play therapy: With younger children, play allows themes such as power, control and anger to be expressed in a safe setting. The therapist accepts the child's feelings while holding limits consistently.

Parent guidance: Together with the parents, the approach to discipline at home, sibling relationships and the language of communication are reviewed. Parents coping with their own feelings of guilt and anger is also an important part of the process.

For more information on this process, you can look at the child and play therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

The school has already given a punishment; should I punish at home too?

Adding a second heavy punishment is usually not instructive. What should be focused on at home is understanding the reason for the behaviour and supporting responsibility-taking and repair. Giving the same message as the school is more effective than giving a separate and harsher punishment.

Should I talk directly to the family of the child who was bullied?

Direct contact, even with good intentions, can increase tension. It is healthier to plan such conversations through the school's guidance service. Your child's apology should also be arranged together with the school, at a time when the targeted child and their family are ready.

What kind of person does a child who bullies grow up to be?

Bullying is not destiny but a behaviour that can be changed. When it is noticed early and addressed consistently by the family and the school, many children leave this pattern behind. If there is no intervention, the risk of aggressive ways of relating being carried into adolescence and adulthood increases.

My child was only part of the group, watching; are they responsible too?

Bullying often gains power from the presence of onlookers. Children who laugh, stay silent or spread the incident also contribute to the behaviour continuing. Talking with your child about what they could do next time (telling an adult, standing beside the targeted child) gives them an important sense of responsibility.

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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