Eldest Child Responsibility: The Teenager Forced to Grow Up Too Soon

When does eldest child responsibility become too heavy for a teenager? Read about the signs of parentification, its effects and what families can do.

Imagine a fifteen-year-old who gets their sibling ready for school in the morning, comes home at lunchtime to heat up the food their mother has prepared, checks their younger sibling's homework in the evening and listens to their mother's troubles at night. Within the family they are usually spoken of with praise: "Bless her, she's the pillar of the house", "Her big sister is like a mother to her." They themselves rarely complain; they may even take a kind of pride in this role. But one day, while their friends at school are making weekend plans, they realise they have no plans of their own, or when a teacher asks "What do you want?", they cannot find an answer. Eldest child responsibility is taken for granted in many families in Turkey, and to a certain extent it even contributes to a young person's development. However, when this responsibility stops being appropriate to the young person's age, strength and needs, it can turn into a picture that psychology calls "parentification". In this article we look at this fine line, its signs, and what both the young person and the family can do.

What Is Parentification? When Does Eldest Child Responsibility Become a Burden?

Parentification is when a child or adolescent takes on, over a long period and in a way inappropriate to their age, roles that would normally be the parents' responsibility. What matters here is not that the child helps, but that roles within the family have been swapped: the person who should be receiving care becomes the one giving it.

There are two main forms of parentification:

• Instrumental (practical) parentification: Physical and practical responsibilities being placed on the young person, such as caring for siblings, cooking, bills, shopping, hospital appointments and most of the housework.
• Emotional parentification: The young person becoming one parent's confidant, secret-keeper, mediator or emotional support. For example, a mother telling her teenage daughter about her marital problems, or soothing a father's sadness becoming the young person's job.

Emotional parentification is usually less noticeable, but it can leave deeper marks on the young person's inner world. This is because the young person carries the weight of an adult relationship without being able to name it; they simply think, "I don't want Mum to be upset."

Not every responsibility is parentification. Doing age-appropriate housework, keeping an eye on a sibling from time to time and offering support when the family is going through a hard time develop a young person's sense of responsibility and competence. What is decisive is the duration and intensity of the responsibility, how much room is left for the young person's own needs, and whether their effort is seen. There is a big difference between roles taken on during a short-lived crisis that then return to balance, and roles that last for years and take the place of the young person's childhood.

Signs of a Teenager Forced to Grow Up Too Soon

Parentified young people often look "trouble-free". They are well-adjusted at school, helpful at home and get on well with adults. For this reason, their struggles can easily go unnoticed. The following signs may be worth paying attention to:

• Difficulty voicing their own needs; an attitude of "I don't need anything"
• A sense of distance in relationships with peers, finding them "childish" or never having the chance to spend time with them
• A constant state of alertness: Is something going to go wrong at home, is my sibling all right, is Mum upset?
• Being unable to relax even when away from home, because of worries about home
• A drop in academic performance, especially around exams, or conversely, excessive perfectionism
• Physical complaints: headaches, stomach aches, constant tiredness
• Seeing asking for help as weakness
• Feeling intense guilt after expressing anger or hurt
• Answering "I don't know, whatever you want" when asked what they would like

It is worth remembering that these signs alone do not mean there is a problem. But if several of them occur together and have been going on for a long time, that is a good reason to reconsider the load the young person is carrying.

Being the Eldest Child in Turkey: Why Is It So Common?

In Turkey, roles within the family culturally give the eldest child a special place. The concepts of "abla" (big sister) and "abi" (big brother) describe not only an age difference but also a responsibility and an authority. In many families the eldest daughter is expected to fill the mother's place, and the eldest son the father's, in their absence. This expectation is often not stated openly; it lives inside the sentence "You're the big one, be understanding."

Some situations that can increase parentification are:

• A parent's illness: When a parent living with a chronic illness, a mental health condition or an addiction cannot carry out their functions within the family, the gap is often filled by the eldest child. We look at this separately in our article on young people with an ill parent.
• Economic hardship: In families where both parents work long hours because of the high cost of living, or where the father works in another city, the care of the home and siblings may fall to the young person. Some young people also contribute to the family budget by working outside school.
• Divorce and separation: After a divorce, the remaining parent may lean on the young person both practically and emotionally. Some young people turn into mediators carrying messages between their parents.
• Extended family and caring for elderly relatives: Significant tasks may fall to the young person in caring for a grandmother or grandfather living in the home.
• Migration and language: In families who move to another city or country, the young person, who adapts to the new environment more quickly, may become their parent's interpreter and guide in official matters or at the hospital.
• Disaster and loss: After major losses such as the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, there have been young people trying to hold the household together in place of a grieving or traumatised parent.
• Large sibling groups and a sibling with special needs: Having a sibling with high care needs can markedly increase the eldest child's responsibilities.

Let's say a sixteen-year-old girl, the eldest of three siblings, spends her after-school hours looking after her siblings because her father works on a construction site in another city and her mother works shifts at a factory. In class she is a student who takes part in lessons and whom teachers call "very mature". But whenever her friends invite her to the cinema she finds an excuse, because she has built a life in which going doesn't even cross her mind. One day she tells the school counsellor, "I don't think I was ever a child." This sentence sums up very well the silent cost of eldest child responsibility.

The Long-Term Effects of Eldest Child Responsibility

The effects of parentification are not the same for every young person. Some come out of this experience with a strong sense of responsibility, empathy and problem-solving skills. Especially when their effort is seen and appreciated by the family and room is also made for their own needs, this experience can become a source of resilience.

However, when the effort remains invisible and goes on for a long time, the following difficulties may arise:

• A pattern of self-sacrifice: Constantly putting other people's needs before one's own. In adulthood this can continue as an inability to say no in relationships and at work.
• Weakened contact with one's own feelings: A young person used to managing other people's feelings may find it hard to notice what they themselves feel.
• Excessive responsibility and guilt: Holding oneself responsible when something goes wrong in the family.
• Anxiety and burnout: The tiredness that comes with being constantly on alert.
• Hidden anger: An unspoken anger, often suppressed by guilt, about their childhood having been taken from them.

From a schema therapy perspective, these experiences can lay the ground for early maladaptive schemas such as "self-sacrifice" and "unrelenting standards". These schemas can lead a person to keep carrying other people's burdens in adulthood and to regard their own needs as worthless.

The greatest support you can give a child who carries responsibility is not more tasks, but sometimes a space where they don't have to do anything at all.

What Can Families Do?

Parents usually do not create this situation deliberately; they experience it as a necessity imposed by circumstances. So the aim is not to blame, but to find ways of restoring balance.

• Make the effort visible. Instead of taking what the young person does for granted, notice it and say thank you. A sentence like "You looked after your sibling a lot this week, and I see that" may not lighten the load, but it reduces their loneliness.
• Redistribute roles. Make a list of the tasks the young person has taken on, and think together about which of them could be handed over to another adult, a relative or, in an age-appropriate way, to younger siblings.
• Protect the young person's own time. Make it clear that certain hours each week belong only to the young person's own friends, hobbies or rest, and leave that time untouched.
• Share your emotional burden elsewhere. Share your own marital problems, financial worries or sadness not with your teenager but with an adult, a friend or a professional. Even if the young person seems willing to listen, this is not a burden they should carry.
• Don't make them a go-between. Don't send messages to your partner through the young person; be especially careful about this after a divorce.
• Take your own exhaustion seriously too. Behind a young person's load there is often an exhausted parent. Seeking support for yourself also indirectly lightens the young person's load. We cover this in detail in our article on parental burnout.

For Young People: Recognising Your Own Load

If you are reading this as a young person, it is important to know this: helping your family is a valuable thing, and you may well be doing it out of love. But having needs of your own does not mean you love your family any less.

• Try to create a period of time during the day, however small, that belongs only to you.
• When you feel tired or hurt, tell an adult you trust, a teacher or the school counsellor.
• Try out saying "No" or "I can't do it today" in small steps.
• Remember that spending time with your friends is not a luxury but a need for your development.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It may be helpful to talk to a professional in the following situations:

• If the young person seems noticeably tired, unhappy or anxious
• If their school performance has dropped and absences have increased
• If they have cut themselves off from their friends completely
• If they frequently have physical complaints for which no medical cause is found
• If an illness, loss or separation in the family has created a heavier load than the young person can carry
• If they talk about thoughts of harming themselves or ending their life

When self-harm or suicidal thoughts are involved, seek support without delay; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services). It is also worth bearing in mind that these signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis. In adolescent counselling, the load the young person carries is explored through their own eyes and with the family's circumstances in mind.

How Is Work Done With a Parentified Teenager in Therapy?

The first step in therapy is to help the young person name the load they are carrying. Many young people think what they do is "normal" and hesitate to express their tiredness or hurt. A safe therapeutic relationship makes room for the young person to voice, at the same time, both the love they feel for their family and the hurt inside them.

Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "If I'm not there, everything will fall apart" or "Saying what I need is selfish" are examined. The young person works on the skills of noticing their own needs, setting boundaries and asking for help. Drawing on schema therapy, the roots of self-sacrificing patterns and how these patterns are reflected in the young person's relationships can also be explored.

Where possible, the family is also involved in the process. In family sessions the aim is not to blame the parents, but to reorganise roles within the family in a way that suits the young person's age and needs. Sessions can be held face to face or, depending on the family's circumstances, online.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does helping with housework count as parentification?

No, taking part in age-appropriate housework is part of healthy development. To speak of parentification, the roles the young person takes on must be inappropriate to their age, long-lasting and must take priority over their own developmental needs.

I'm my mother's confidant; could that do any harm?

A close and open relationship with a parent is valuable. However, if the young person becomes a regular source of support for their parent's marital problems, financial worries or deep sadness, it can place them under a load they cannot carry. It is healthier for the parent to share such matters with an adult.

Does growing up too soon leave a mark in adulthood?

It can, but that mark is not always negative. Some people come out of this experience with a strong sense of responsibility and empathy. In those who struggle, however, patterns such as being unable to say no, excessive responsibility and ignoring their own needs may persist. Once these patterns are recognised, change is possible in adulthood too.

• #parentification
• #sibling care
• #family roles
• #adolescent mental health

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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