My Teenager Says They Want to Die: What Should a Parent Do in That Moment?

Your teenager says they want to die and you are panicking. What to say in the first minutes, what to avoid, how to make home safer and when to call 112.

You are washing up in the kitchen when you hear a voice behind you. Your fourteen-year-old daughter, on the evening her mock exam results came out, says almost in a whisper as she gets up from the table: "I wish I was dead, then I'd be rid of all of you." The plate in your hand stops. Several voices rise inside you at once: "She's exaggerating", "Did I hear that right?", "What if she means it?" Your teenager says they want to die, and in that moment you don't know what to do. This is one of the most frightening moments a parent can go through, and the first reaction is very often one of panic or denial. This article was written for exactly that moment. Step by step, we look at what these words may mean, what we should and should not say in the first minutes, how you can make your home safer, and in which situations you should ask for help without waiting.

First, know this: If your child says they have made a plan to harm themselves, if there is a means for this plan in their hands or nearby, if they have made an attempt, or if you are not sure they are safe right now, do not leave them alone and call 112 (emergency services) immediately. The rest of this article is here to guide you after that urgent step has been taken, or when there does not seem to be an immediate danger.

My Teenager Says They Want to Die: What Might These Words Mean?

When young people talk about death, it can reflect different emotional and mental states. It is important to know about these; but from the outside it is very often impossible to tell for certain which one applies.

• An outburst of intense anger or disappointment: "I wish I was dead, then it'd be over," said after an argument, a bad exam result or a break-up, is sometimes an exaggerated expression of the helplessness of that moment.
• Deep emotional pain: The young person may want the pain they are going through to end and may be saying so with the word "die" because they can't find any other words to express it. What they very often want is not to die but for the pain to stop.
• Passive wishes to die: Thoughts such as "I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up" or "I wish I'd have an accident and die", even if they involve no active plan, are an important sign of hopelessness.
• Active suicidal thoughts: Thinking about killing themselves, dwelling on a method, setting a time or making preparations are situations that require urgent assessment.

This distinction is not an assessment you have to make on your own. A parent's task is not to diagnose; it is to take the words seriously, stay calm, ask and get help when needed. Even if you think "They're only saying it for attention", the need of a young person who needs attention is real too.

If Your Teenager Says They Want to Die, What Should You Do in the First Minutes?

Stop and sit beside them

Put down what you are doing. Put your phone aside. If possible, sit next to the young person and let your body give the message "I'm here right now." You don't have to suppress your panic, but you do need to manage it. Taking a deep breath and staying silent for a few seconds helps make your first sentence calmer.

Tell them what you heard

"You just said you want to die. I heard that and I want to talk with you." This sentence shows the young person that their words are being taken seriously and will not be brushed aside.

Ask directly

Many parents are afraid to ask openly about suicide, as if asking would put the idea into the young person's head. Yet it is a well-known finding in the mental health field that asking directly about suicidal thoughts does not increase them; on the contrary, it helps the young person feel relieved and open up. You can ask these questions in a calm voice:

• "Are you thinking about killing yourself?"
• "How long have you been thinking about this?"
• "Do you have any thoughts or a plan about how you would do it?"
• "Have you ever tried to hurt yourself before?"

If they mention a plan, a means or a time, or if they have made an attempt before, the situation is urgent: do not leave them alone and call 112.

Listen; don't try to fix it

The aim of this conversation is not to persuade the young person or to prove that life is beautiful, but to understand them. While the young person is talking, listen without interrupting and without judging. "I didn't know you were in so much pain. Thank you for telling me" is one of the most valuable sentences that can be said in that moment.

Avoid saying these things

• "Don't be silly; what have you got to be unhappy about?"
• "How could you do this to us, to your mum and dad?"
• "Do you know what I went through at your age? Call these problems?"
• "I don't want to hear anything like this again."
• "OK, I won't tell anyone."

The last point is especially important. The young person may ask you to keep this a secret. But where there is a risk to life, you cannot make that promise. Saying this openly, "I love you very much and I need to get help so that you are safe", does not shake their trust; on the contrary, it shows the young person that they are being taken seriously.

Making Home Safer

Reducing access to means during moments of crisis is one of the measures known in the mental health field to be protective. After talking with the young person, take the following steps on the same day:

• Put all medicines in the house, including over-the-counter ones, in a locked cupboard or move them somewhere the young person cannot reach. Do not keep more medicine than necessary.
• Remove sharp objects such as razor blades and utility knives.
• If there is a firearm in the house, remove it from the home.
• If the young person has said they have thought about a particular method, block access to the means related to that method.
• If the risk seems high, do not leave them alone for long periods until a professional assessment has been made; do not let them lock their door.

You can take these measures openly rather than secretly: "I'm putting these away for a while to protect you." The young person should be able to see this not as a punishment but as protection.

What Can Be Done in the Following Days?

Once the first moment of crisis has passed, many young people start behaving as if nothing happened. Parents want to feel relieved too. But the days that follow these words are at least as important as that first moment.

A professional assessment on the same day or as soon as possible: Even if there seems to be no immediate danger, the young person needs to be assessed by a mental health professional. If the risk is high, go to a hospital emergency department or call 112. Where needed, an assessment by a psychiatrist is also part of this process.

Don't leave the conversation half-finished: A few days later, asking "I've been thinking about what we talked about the other day. How are you today?" reminds them that the door is open. You don't need to question them every day, but you shouldn't bury it in silence either.

Watch for warning signs: The following signs may show that the risk is continuing or increasing:

• Statements such as "Everyone would be better off without me" or "I'm a burden"
• Giving away valued possessions, writing messages that sound like goodbyes
• Searching the internet for ways of dying or suicide methods
• A sudden, unexplained calm appearing after a long period of low mood
• Signs of self-harm, an increase in substance or alcohol use
• Withdrawing completely from friends, school and activities they enjoy

For more information about self-harming behaviour, you can take a look at the article on self-harm in teenagers, and for the signs of long-lasting unhappiness, the article on depression in teenagers.

Ease the pressure for a while: These words very often come together with a feeling of being crushed under a load. A calendar packed with preparation for the LGS or YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams), courses, private lessons and mock exams may be more than the young person can carry during this period. Putting conversations about grades, rankings and exam targets on the back burner for a while gives the young person, in a concrete way, the message "You being well comes before everything." This does not mean responsibilities disappear entirely; it only means priorities are being reset.

Keep the daily routine going: Sleep, regular meals, time spent outdoors, however short, and an activity they enjoy all help stabilise mood. The young person may want to give up on everything; without forcing them, but without leaving them entirely to themselves either, suggest small, achievable steps: eating dinner together, walking the dog together, going to the supermarket together.

Pay attention to the digital world: Some young people may turn to online content or groups in which themes of hopelessness and death are glorified. Secretly going through their phone damages trust; but if your teenager says they want to die and the risk is continuing, openly asking what they watch online and who they talk to, and if necessary limiting access to this content together, is a protective step.

Work with the school: It can be important for the school, where the young person spends most of the day, and especially the school counsellor, to know about the situation. Do this in a way that protects the young person's dignity and, if possible, after talking with them.

Get support for yourself as well: A parent who has heard these words very often experiences guilt, fear and exhaustion. The question "Where did I go wrong?" may not leave you for a while. Talking with your partner, a close person you trust or a specialist is necessary so that you can keep supporting the young person. If there are siblings, remember that they also feel the tension at home.

Your child saying "I want to die" is a sign not that they are moving away from you, but that they are trying to tell you something. What is expected of you in that moment is not to know everything, but not to close the door.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

The rule here is simple: every statement about death or suicide deserves to be assessed by a specialist. The fact that it was said only once, that it was said in a moment of anger, or that the young person later says "I was joking" does not remove the need for an assessment.

Situations in which you need to call 112 immediately:

• If the young person has harmed themselves or made an attempt
• If they have mentioned a plan, method or time
• If the means needed for the plan are at hand
• If they seem to have lost control, cannot calm down and you are not sure they are safe

Even if there seems to be no immediate danger, arrange an appointment with a mental health professional within a few days. For more comprehensive information on this subject, you can also read the article on suicidal thoughts.

How Are Thoughts of Death in Teenagers Addressed in Therapy?

In the process of adolescent counselling, thoughts of death and suicide are first and foremost assessed in terms of safety. In the first sessions, the frequency and intensity of the thoughts, whether there is a plan, protective factors and the young person's sources of support are explored in detail. Where needed, an assessment by a psychiatrist is recommended and collaboration takes place.

During this process a safety plan is created together with the young person. This plan includes the warning signs the young person can notice in a moment of crisis, what they can do to calm themselves, the people they can call and where to turn in an emergency. The plan is also shared with the family.

Confidentiality is one of the cornerstones of therapy with teenagers; however, in situations where the young person's life is in danger, this confidentiality has limits. These limits are explained clearly to both the young person and the family at the very beginning of therapy. The young person knows that not everything they say will be passed on to their family, but that their family will be informed if there is a risk to life.

With a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approach, thoughts that feed hopelessness ("Nothing will ever change", "I'm a burden to everyone") are examined, and emotion regulation and problem-solving skills are developed. The difficulties that led the young person to these thoughts, such as peer bullying, family conflict, grief or exam pressure, are also addressed separately. In sessions with parents, work is done on managing crises, recognising warning signs and building supportive communication at home.

Frequently Asked Questions

Could they just be saying it for attention?

Even if this is a possibility, these words need to be taken seriously. A young person who feels they have to talk about death to get attention believes they cannot be heard in other ways, and that in itself is a call for help. Because it is impossible to know for certain from the outside which situation applies, every statement should be assessed by a specialist.

After we talked, they're acting as if nothing happened; can I relax now?

It can be reassuring to see the young person apparently recovering quickly, but this does not mean the risk has passed. In particular, a sudden calm after a long period of unhappiness can sometimes be a sign that a decision has been made. So do not put off a specialist assessment, and keep a close eye on the young person's mood for a while.

Should I tell the school or close relatives?

The school, especially the school counsellor, can be an important source of support for the young person's safety; sharing this information is usually helpful. With relatives, however, you need to be more selective. Sharing the information with people who can genuinely help, while protecting the young person's privacy, prevents it from turning into gossip and stigma.

They didn't tell me; they wrote it to a friend. What should I do?

Young people very often share these feelings with their peers first, and the news may reach the parent through a friend's family or a teacher. In this case it is understandable to feel hurt that they didn't tell you, but don't turn this into an accusation. Saying "Your friend was worried about you, and so am I. Can we talk?", follow the steps above with the same seriousness.

• #suicide risk in teenagers
• #crisis moment
• #parent guide
• #adolescent mental health

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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