What does boarding at high school mean for a teenager and family? Questions before deciding, early homesickness, warning signs and ways to support from afar.
The first Sunday evening in September. Out of the car boot come a suitcase, a set of bedding, a box of biscuits Mum has baked and a desk lamp. In front of the boarding house, dozens of families are living out the same scene. The goodbyes are kept short, because if they go on, everyone's eyes will fill with tears. On the drive home nobody in the car speaks; the back seat is empty. Boarding at high school, known in Turkey as staying in a "pansiyon" (a state school boarding house), is often a necessity and sometimes an opportunity, especially for young people going from districts or villages to a high school in the provincial centre, or for those whose score has placed them at a school in another city. In this article we look at how a young person who leaves home at 14 or 15 adjusts, the emotional waves of the first weeks, the signs to watch out for and how the family can offer support from a distance.
Boarding at High School: What Should Be Considered Before Deciding?
When a school with a boarding house is chosen, academic criteria usually take centre stage: the school's results, its teaching staff, the strongest option the young person's score allows. But how ready the young person is to live away from home matters at least as much as these criteria.
During the decision process, you can discuss the following questions together as a family:
- Has the young person been away from home before? A summer camp, a few days staying with relatives or a school trip gives clues about how they react to separation.
- Can they meet their own basic needs? Skills such as getting up by themselves in the morning, organising their belongings, keeping track of their laundry and managing their pocket money are directly needed in boarding life.
- What kind of young person are they socially? Are they comfortable in crowded settings, or do they need time alone and quiet? Living in a room for four or six people is a significant change in this respect.
- Whose decision is this? Does the young person really want to go to this school, or are they meeting the expectations of the family or teachers? A young person who goes of their own accord is more resilient when they encounter difficulties.
- What are the alternatives? The differences between a school closer to home but somewhat more modest academically and one far away with a boarding house should be weighed not only by score but by the young person's quality of life over four years.
If possible, visiting the boarding house together before deciding and seeing the rooms, the dining hall and the study halls reduces the uncertainty in the young person's mind.
The First Weeks: Homesickness and the Adjustment Process
Most young people who start boarding experience marked homesickness in the first weeks. This longing can show itself in different ways: crying at night, phoning home frequently, saying "I can't stay here, come and get me", loss of appetite, sleep problems or, conversely, never calling the family and suppressing their feelings.
In most cases these reactions are a natural part of an adjustment process. Throughout the young person's childhood, home was a space full of safety, habit and love. Leaving that space can be experienced as a loss. Adjustment usually becomes noticeably easier within a few weeks; as the young person forms friendships, learns the boarding-house routine and goes home for the first weekend and comes back, the boarding house gradually becomes a familiar place.
The family's attitude is very important during this process. Saying "We'll come and get you right away" can cut short the young person's effort to adjust. Saying "You absolutely have to stick it out" makes them feel their feelings aren't heard. A balance is needed in between: "Missing home is completely natural, and we miss you too. The first weeks are hard for everyone. Let's give it a try together for a while and talk every week about how it's going."
Another feeling that is overlooked as often as homesickness is the conflict between the young person's expectation that they should feel "grown up" and their real feelings. Some young people think crying and missing home are childish and hide this from both family and friends. When the family shows that missing home does not contradict maturity, the young person can express their feelings more easily.
Some small preparations can also be made with the young person to ease the first weeks. A familiar pillowcase from home, a family photo or a favourite book makes the new room feel a little more like "their own place". Learning the boarding house's daily schedule in advance, knowing when they can talk on the phone and being clear about when they will come home for the first weekend all reduce uncertainty. For young people who find it hard to fall asleep in the evening, keeping up a small routine they had at home, such as reading a few pages before bed, can be reassuring.
We discuss the general dynamics of teenagers adjusting to a new school separately in our article on adjusting to high school.
The Everyday Challenges of Boarding Life
Even after homesickness eases, boarding life has its own particular challenges. Knowing about these in advance helps both the young person and the family form more realistic expectations.
Shared living
Sharing a room with several people with different habits requires patience and compromise. One goes to bed late, one gets up early; one is tidy, one is messy. Small tensions are inevitable. As the young person learns to handle these tensions, they also gain important social skills.
Less personal space
For a young person who has a room at home with a door they can close, having only their bed and wardrobe as their own space can be difficult. Introverted young people who need time alone may feel this more intensely.
A strict daily schedule
In boarding houses, the times for getting up, meals, study and lights out are usually fixed. This structure gives some young people a sense of security while others find it restrictive. Rules on phone use may also differ from those at home.
Academic pace
Some schools with boarding houses are academically demanding. A young person who was the top student in their middle-school class may find themselves somewhere in the middle among other high achievers. Combined with the loneliness of being away from home, this can shake their self-confidence. The family responding calmly to the first fluctuations in grades makes this transition easier.
Health and care
For a young person whose mother was at their bedside when they had a temperature at home, falling ill in the boarding house is one of the moments they feel especially alone. It is important for the young person to know in advance whom to turn to, who the teacher on duty is and how the family will be informed.
Peer relationships
The boarding house can be a place where close friendships are formed, but it is also a setting where cliques, exclusion and at times bullying can occur. Because there is no refuge like home, a problem with peers can spread into every hour of the day. Our article on peer bullying can help in recognising the signs.
Let's say a young person complains of a stomach ache every Sunday evening before returning to the boarding house and asks at the last minute to stay home one more day. This may simply be homesickness, or it may be a sign of a problem they are experiencing in the boarding house and not talking about. Asking with curiosity, without interrogating, "What's the hardest thing for you at the boarding house?" is the first step towards understanding what is really going on.
Warning Signs When Boarding at High School Becomes Difficult
The adjustment process moves at a different pace for every young person. However, the following signs may suggest that boarding at high school has gone beyond the ordinary difficulties of adjustment for the young person:
- Homesickness not easing, and even increasing, after the first month or two
- Refusing to go back to the boarding house after every trip home, crying fits, physical complaints
- A marked and persistent drop in grades
- Being unable to make any friends in the boarding house, always alone in the dining hall or at study time
- Speaking about certain people or places with fear, belongings frequently going missing or getting damaged
- Marked disruption of sleep and appetite, excessive weight loss or gain
- Saying they feel worthless, hopeless or that "nobody cares"
- Communication with the family breaking off completely or being limited to short, evasive answers
If you see several of these signs together, the first step is to talk to the school management, the teachers responsible for the boarding house and the guidance service.
For Families: How Can You Stay Close From a Distance?
The boarding process is a period of adjustment not only for the young person but for the family too. For a mother or father, looking at the empty chair of the child who used to be at the dinner table every evening is not easy. When the family recognises and manages its own feelings, this also gives the young person confidence.
Set up a rhythm for communication. Calling several times a day can make it harder for the young person to take part in boarding-house life; never calling can increase their sense of loneliness. Agreeing on a routine with the young person, such as a short message every evening and a longer call two or three times a week, works well.
Vary your questions. Rather than only asking "Are you studying?" or "How are your grades?", questions such as "What are your roommates like?", "What made you laugh this week?" or "What's your favourite meal in the dining hall?" let the young person share their life in the boarding house.
Don't burden the young person with your own longing. The sentence "The house is so empty without you; we're so sad", while expressing love, can create guilt in the young person. Express your longing in a way that won't hinder their own adjustment.
Don't turn weekends into a catch-up marathon. Taking the young person home to visit every relative, cooking their favourite dishes at every meal and constantly making plans can be tiring. For part of the weekend, the young person may simply need to rest and spend time in their own room.
Stay in regular contact with the school. Getting to know the teachers responsible for the boarding house and the guidance service, and being able to reach them when needed, means problems are noticed early.
A young person who goes to board moves away from home, but does not break away from the family. Bridging the distance with love is the most important task of these years.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Getting support from a specialist is helpful in the following situations:
- Homesickness and adjustment difficulties are not easing even after months
- The young person shows persistent unhappiness, hopelessness, crying spells or withdrawal
- There are signs that they are being bullied, excluded or mistreated in the boarding house
- Physical complaints persist despite a doctor's assessment
- School performance has dropped markedly and the young person wants to cut off from school completely
- The family is struggling to decide whether the young person should continue boarding
If the young person has thoughts of harming themselves or talks about death, never brush this aside; contact the boarding-house management immediately, and in an emergency call 112 (emergency services) without delay.
How Is Adjustment to Boarding Supported in Therapy?
In therapy, the factors making it hard for the young person to adjust to boarding life are considered from the perspectives of both the young person and the family. Within adolescent counselling, the following can be worked on:
Working with feelings of separation and longing: The young person is given a safe setting in which to talk about their longing, anxiety and loneliness. Together it becomes clear that these feelings are normal and can be temporary.
Coping skills: With Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques, thoughts such as "Nobody here likes me" or "I'll never get used to it" are identified, and a more balanced view is developed. Ways of coping with anxiety and social skills are worked on.
Peer relationships: Conflicts with roommates, self-expression and boundary-setting skills are addressed. If bullying is involved, cooperation with the school is recommended for the young person's safety.
Family sessions: The work focuses on the family's own feelings of separation, the rhythm of communication and the messages given to the young person. Decisions such as whether the young person should continue boarding are considered together, with the young person's needs at the centre.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should we call our child who is boarding every day?
There is no rule that applies to everyone. What matters is finding a rhythm of communication that suits the young person's needs. Setting a routine by talking it over with the young person helps both their participation in boarding life and the family's peace of mind.
They want to come home on the first weekend. Should we allow it?
If the boarding house's rules allow it, coming home on the first weekends can refresh the young person's sense of security. However, if going back to the boarding house gets harder after every trip home, this should be discussed with a specialist or the school's guidance service.
Is taking them out of boarding and moving them to a school near home a defeat?
No. For some young people, boarding life can carry an emotional cost heavier than the academic opportunities. A decision that prioritises the young person's mental health and development is not a defeat but a responsible choice. It is important to make this decision together with the young person and without rushing.
How can a young person who boards continue with therapy?
Sessions can be planned around the weekends when the young person comes home or around school holidays. If a quiet space with privacy can be found in the boarding house, online sessions are also an option. Cooperating with the school guidance service on this can make it easier to find a suitable time and place.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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