Father-Son Relationship: How a Father and Teenage Son Who Have Drifted Apart Can Reconnect

Why does the father-son relationship break down in adolescence? Reasons behind the silence, side-by-side time and ways to reconnect for fathers of teenage sons.

You come home in the evening and your son's bedroom door is shut. You knock and ask, "How's school going?" and a single "Fine" comes back from inside. At dinner you ask him to take his earphones out; he does, but he doesn't talk. The child who a few years ago would run to you excitedly with a football score, who pestered you endlessly to fix his toy lorries, now lives with you in the same home almost like a flatmate. The father-son relationship often reaches this point in adolescence, and many fathers go through it quietly, without telling anyone. After all, "My son has pulled away from me" is not an easy sentence for a father to say. In this article we will talk about where this distance comes from, the steps by which fathers unknowingly widen it, and the doors through which the relationship can warm up again.

Why Does the Father-Son Relationship Change in Adolescence?

Adolescence is the period in which young people begin to build an identity separate from the family. In this process a boy often feels the strongest need to differentiate himself from the person he believes he most resembles. That person is usually his father. A thirteen- or fourteen-year-old boy struggles to answer the question "Who am I?" without first going through the feeling "I am not like my dad." So giving up the football team his father supports, turning his nose up at the music his father listens to, or objecting to everything his father suggests may be a sign not that the relationship is over, but that the son is trying to open up a space of his own.

Physical change also affects the relationship during this period. A young person who is starting to outgrow his father, whose voice is deepening, stands in a different place in the same room. Some fathers enter into a kind of competition without noticing: having the last word in an argument, winning at arm wrestling, saying "You've got a lot to learn." The son then either withdraws from this competition or hardens.

Then there is the matter of the language of emotions. In Turkey many boys grow up with sentences such as "Real men don't cry" and "Grit your teeth". A boy experiencing intense emotions in adolescence cannot find a way to share them with his father, because he has never seen an example of this at home. Silence is very often not a choice but a lack of words.

My Son Won't Talk to Me: Signs of Drifting Apart

Not every silence is a problem. It is ordinary for teenagers not to talk with their parents as much as they used to. However, some signs may suggest that the distance in the father-son relationship has gone beyond developmental separation:

• If your son clearly avoids situations where he would be alone with you (getting up and leaving when you come into the living room)
• If he tells important news, problems or successes only to his mother and not to you
• If the conversations between you consist almost entirely of grades, lessons, pocket money and warnings
• If even a small remark from you immediately turns into an argument or a slammed door
• If he looks tense when you are at home and relaxed when you are not
• If, when he has to be in the same room as you, he buries himself in his phone

Several of these signs appearing together for some time may show that the relationship needs some repair. But they should not be considered separately from the young person's mood. For a teenager who is shutting down not only towards you but towards everyone, whose sleep and appetite have changed and who is disengaging from school, the issue may be broader than the distance between father and son.

How Fathers Unknowingly Widen the Distance

Fathers love their sons; very often the problem is not an absence of love but the way that love is shown. The following patterns are common in many homes.

The father who only talks when there is a problem

A father who spends the day at work or on the road may, on getting home, only engage with the problems his wife passes on: "Your mum says you've been neglecting your homework." In such a set-up the son learns that every contact with his father means being called to account. He tenses up when he hears his father's voice in the hallway.

The father who repeats his own father

A significant proportion of today's fathers grew up in a home where they spoke little with their father about feelings and where the father was more of an authority figure. "In our day we couldn't even look our father in the eye" is a familiar sentence for this generation. It is hard to teach what you never learned. A man who did not receive warmth from his own father may not know where to begin even when he wants to show warmth to his son, and without realising it he repeats what is familiar: distance and harshness.

The father who forgets to listen while trying to teach

A father who immediately suggests a solution when his son describes a problem, who says "You should have done it like this," means well. But young people very often want to be understood, not given a solution. A son who gets a lecture every time he shares something eventually stops sharing.

The father who connects through achievement

If the relationship runs only through mock exam scores, match results or test grades, the son may perceive his father's love as conditional on performance. During the LGS or YKS periods (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams) this becomes even more pronounced. On a day when he has failed, he chooses to hide from his father rather than go to him.

The set-up in which mum is the go-between

In homes that run on sentences like "You tell your dad" and "Say something to your son", father and son forget how to talk directly. The mother turns into a bridge carrying messages between the two sides, which both exhausts her and prevents the father-son relationship from finding its own voice.

How Do Boys Build Closeness?

A common mistake fathers make is to sit face to face with their son and say, "Come on, let's talk." For many teenage boys, an eye-to-eye, across-the-table conversation with the air of "an important talk" feels like an interrogation. Yet the same young person can open up much more easily while doing something side by side.

Let's say you are dropping your fifteen-year-old son off at his Saturday-morning tutoring centre. In the car you are both looking ahead, a song is playing on the radio. Meanwhile your son starts telling you what happened to one of his friends; you listen without interrupting. At the end of the journey you just say, "Sounds like a tough situation." Those few minutes may carry more than the communication you have been trying to build for weeks.

Side-by-side activities are a safe ground for boys to enter emotional conversation:

• Fixing a bike together, putting up a shelf or washing the car
• Going to a match or watching the same match on the same sofa
• A short walk, going fishing, nipping to the corner shop together in the evening
• Trying to learn a game he plays by asking him about it
• Cooking a meal together in the kitchen, standing by the barbecue

The aim of these moments is not to get him talking but to be together. Conversation very often comes of its own accord and at an unexpected moment.

The moment your son opens up to you is very often not the moment you chose; what matters is that when it comes, you are there and ready to listen.

Practical Steps to Strengthen the Father-Son Relationship

Set aside "agenda-free" time every week

Set a short but regular time in which topics such as lessons, grades and screen time are not discussed. For example, going out together on Sunday morning to buy simit, or watching an episode of a series together on Wednesday evenings. What matters is not how long it lasts but that it is repeated.

Be curious, don't run a test

Instead of "How was school?", ask more concrete questions that belong to his world: "Which level are you on in that game you play?", "Was that teacher you mentioned yesterday late to class again today?" Before commenting on the answers, ask one more question. Curiosity makes a young person feel that he matters.

Tell him something about yourself

Sons very often know nothing about their father's inner world. Sharing a memory from your own adolescence of a time you were embarrassed, scared or made a mistake gives him the message that "feelings can be talked about". Do this not to lecture, but simply to tell.

Own your mistakes

If you raised your voice too much in an argument, saying the next day, "I shouted at you yesterday; that wasn't right," does not diminish a father's strength. On the contrary, it shows your son that a man can take responsibility for his mistakes. This is one of the most lasting lessons a father can put into words.

Use praise in favour of effort

Saying "I noticed you sat down at your desk every evening this week" instead of "Well done, you came top" lets him feel that your love does not depend on the result.

Take mum out of the go-between role

If you have heard about something to do with your son from your wife, talk to him directly and in a calm tone, without turning it into material for an interrogation. Decide together with your wife to change this pattern as well.

For fathers who live apart

For fathers who are divorced or work in another city, the relationship often has to fit into weekend visits and phone calls. Rather than turning these visits into an activity marathon, creating ordinary time works better: doing the supermarket shopping together, being bored at home together, eating together. Short but regular messages also build a bond; not every message needs to expect a reply.

To manage the general tension with teenagers at home, the advice on rules and negotiation in the article on teenager-parent conflict may also offer guidance. For teenagers who shut themselves in their room and barely speak, you can take a look at the article titled my teenager won't talk.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Distance between father and son does not always require specialist support; very often a change in the father's approach alone creates a noticeable softening in the relationship. However, it is helpful to see a specialist in the following situations:

• If arguments between father and son escalate to physical violence, pushing and shoving, or damaging belongings
• If the young person is openly afraid of his father or makes excuses not to come home while his father is there
• If your son is withdrawing not only from you but also from his friends and school
• If there have been marked changes in sleep, appetite and mood lasting several weeks
• If the relationship has broken down completely following a change such as divorce, bereavement, job loss or migration
• If you, as the father, feel you are struggling to control your anger

The last point is especially important. A father who notices a weight that stems from his own anger or his own past, and who seeks support for it, has already begun to set a valuable example for his son.

How Is the Father-Son Relationship Addressed in Therapy?

In the process of adolescent counselling, the father-son relationship is assessed alongside the young person's own needs and within the family as a whole. Individual sessions are usually held with the young person, who finds a space there to talk about his hurt, expectations and fears regarding his father without being judged. The limits of confidentiality are discussed openly at the very beginning, with both the young person and the family.

In sessions with the father, his way of communicating with his son, his experiences with his own father and the thoughts underlying his reactions today are explored. From a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy perspective, automatic thoughts such as "I'm not being respected" or "My word counts for nothing" can harden a father's response to his son. Noticing these thoughts and working on them with more balanced appraisals makes it easier to respond differently in moments of conflict.

The schema therapy perspective can also help in understanding the father-son relationship. For example, a father who experienced emotional deprivation in childhood may find it hard to notice his son's emotional needs; a father with a strong unrelenting standards schema may constantly expect more from his son. Once these patterns are recognised, it becomes possible for patterns passed down from generation to generation to change at some point.

Where appropriate, joint sessions attended by father and son together are held. In these sessions a space is created in which both sides are listened to without interruption and can say what they need from each other in a safe setting. Very often, for the first time, a father says to his son, "I'm afraid of losing you," and a son is able to say to his father, "I just want you to listen to me."

Frequently Asked Questions

My son talks easily with his mother; why won't he talk to me?

This happens in many families and is not in itself a sign of a problem. Because mothers are often more involved in day-to-day care, they may be the first person a young person turns to. A father creating regular, pressure-free moments of contact for himself can shift this balance over time.

There is constant competition between my son and me; is this normal?

In adolescence it is very common for sons to measure themselves against their fathers. What matters is that the father does not join in this competition and, rather than trying to win every argument, shows that he is proud of his son growing stronger.

We are divorced and I only see my son at weekends; will our bond weaken?

Having little time together does not mean the bond will weaken. Regular, reliable visits in which promises are kept matter more than how long they last. Not speaking negatively about his mother in front of him also protects the relationship.

My father and I never talked; how can I learn to talk with my son?

Wanting to be a different kind of father from your own is the first step of change. Starting with small, regular steps, being curious and listening is enough. If you find this process difficult, talking through your own experiences with a specialist can help you develop a new language.

• #fatherhood
• #teenage boys
• #family communication
• #adolescence

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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