Why does the fear of losing loved ones make us imagine disaster when a call goes unanswered? Learn its causes, its link with love and ways to ease it.
Your partner is usually home by about seven every evening. Today it is half past seven and they are still not back. You called; the phone rings but nobody answers. On the second call something stirs inside you; by the third you can no longer stay still in the kitchen. Your mind lays out, one after another, news reports of traffic accidents, the sound of ambulances, hospital corridors. At quarter to eight the door opens: their phone was on silent and the queue at the supermarket was long. You feel relieved, but your body carries on trembling for hours. The fear of losing loved ones is a form of anxiety that mothers, fathers and partners in particular often experience, but which is usually explained away with "It's because I love them so much." There is a natural vulnerability within love; but when this vulnerability begins to run your life, it exhausts both you and the people you love. In this article I look at where this fear comes from and how you can build a calmer relationship with it.
What Is the Fear of Losing Loved Ones?
Being afraid that something will happen to the people we love is part of being human. Every relationship we form brings with it the possibility of losing it. A certain degree of this fear is a natural reflection of the value we place on the relationship.
In some people, however, this fear does not stay quietly in the background but settles at the centre of daily life. Whenever the loved one is out of sight, they are perceived as being in danger. A delay, an unanswered phone, an unexpected call from school, an ordinary complaint of a headache instantly becomes the start of a disaster scenario.
In psychology, this experience can be considered under different headings: separation anxiety, which can also occur in adults; catastrophising that appears as part of a general pattern of worry; or an intense state of alertness that develops after a loss or trauma. Understanding which of these applies requires an assessment by a professional.
What Are the Signs of This Fear?
The signs below can help you observe yourself; however, none of them amounts to a diagnosis on its own:
- Feeling intense panic within a short time when someone you love cannot be reached
- Calling an unanswered phone again and again, and starting to call mutual acquaintances
- Checking location-sharing apps many times a day
- Objecting to your partner's or child's plans to travel, go on a trip or go somewhere far away
- Magnifying small health complaints of your loved ones and constantly asking them to see a doctor
- Images of something happening to your loved ones coming to mind as you go to bed at night
- Being unable to stay away from news of deaths, accidents and illness or, on the contrary, avoiding it excessively
- The thought "If something happens to them, I won't be able to live" often crossing your mind
If some of these signs apply to you and have been affecting your daily life for months, it is reasonable to consider that what you are experiencing has turned into an anxiety pattern.
Why Does the Fear of Losing Loved Ones Happen?
The roots of this fear vary from person to person. Most of the time, several factors feed one another.
Losses you have lived through
For someone who lost a parent early in childhood, witnessed a sudden death or recently lost someone they loved, loss is not an abstract possibility but a lived reality. The mind says "It happened once, it could happen again" and keeps constant watch so as never again to be caught unprepared. When the grieving process has not been completed, the fear of loss can work like the continuing voice of that grief.
Attachment patterns
People who grew up in relationships where the caregiver was sometimes available and sometimes not may develop a more anxious attachment style in close relationships as adults. For them, not hearing from a loved one revives an old fear of being abandoned. This topic is covered in detail in the article on attachment styles.
Collective disasters and the news cycle
The 6 February 2023 earthquakes made many people in Turkey experience, in their own bodies, what it means to be unable to reach their loved ones. For families waiting hours or days for news, relatives waiting by the rubble and the millions watching on television, the question "What if it happens again?" is very real. Constant exposure to news of accidents, violence and disasters also makes it easier for the mind to find material for disaster scenarios.
Becoming a parent
Many people experience this fear intensely for the first time after their child is born. A baby's complete dependence on you, the weight of the responsibility and the intensity of the love lead the mind to scan for dangers more often. Checking a baby's breathing again and again in the postnatal period is a common form of this fear. As the child grows, the fear changes shape: the school bus, going out alone for the first time, being out with friends in adolescence, moving to another city for university.
When the line between thought and event blurs
In everyday Turkish, sayings such as "Let the wind carry those words away" or "Don't say bad things, they'll come true" are used often. Beneath these sayings lies an old belief that thinking or saying something increases the chance of it happening. This tendency, known in psychology as thought-action fusion, can strengthen the fear of loss. While struggling with images of disaster, the person also falls into a second fear: "It will happen because I thought about it." At this point the fear of losing loved ones turns into not only worry but also a sense of guilt. Yet thoughts do not create events; they only show how the mind processes fear.
Helplessness in the face of what cannot be controlled
Beneath this fear there is often the thought, "If something happens to them, there's nothing I can do." Most of the things that could happen to the people we love really are beyond our control. Facing this reality is hard, so the mind turns to constant checking, calling and warning.
How the Fear Affects Relationships and Daily Life
The fear of loss is born of love, but over time it can strain the relationship.
Between partners: Questions like "Why didn't you answer the phone?" and "Why didn't you let me know?", even when asked with love, can leave the other person feeling monitored and restricted. When a partner feels obliged to explain every delay, tension begins in the relationship. Sometimes the partner starts not mentioning certain plans so as to avoid an argument, and this increases the anxiety even further.
With children: A parent who is excessively afraid of something happening to their child may, while trying to protect them from danger, narrow their room to try things out and learn. A child who cannot go to a friend's house, cannot join the school trip and cannot ride a bicycle around the neighbourhood may receive the message that the world is dangerous and that they themselves are fragile. In adolescence, this attitude can lead the young person to hide things and push boundaries.
The person themselves: Being constantly on alert affects sleep, appetite and work performance. Even time spent with loved ones is lived in the shadow of fear; a lovely moment together can be interrupted by the thought, "What if this is the last time?"
When we start measuring love by fear, the two become tangled.
What Can You Do to Cope with the Fear of Loss?
Removing this fear entirely is not a realistic goal, because it is a natural part of love. The aim is to stop fear from running your life.
Decide on a waiting time in advance
Decide how long it is reasonable to wait in the face of an unanswered phone at a calm moment, not in the middle of a crisis. For example, a rule such as "If my partner isn't back within an hour and doesn't answer the phone, I'll call their workplace." This rule gives the mind a road map; it helps you notice that any step you take before that time is up comes from fear.
Gradually reduce checking behaviours
Looking at the location app, calling over and over or constantly sending messages brings relief in the short term but feeds the fear in the long term. Rather than stopping these behaviours all at once, cut them down: five times a day instead of ten, then three. When the urge to check comes, try waiting fifteen minutes and observe how your anxiety changes on its own during that time.
Don't take the disaster scenario to its end; list realistic alternatives
When a phone goes unanswered, your mind first puts forward the worst possibility. When you notice this, write down on a piece of paper the most common reasons for a delay or no answer: the phone is on silent, the battery has died, they are in a meeting, they are in traffic, someone is with them. This list loosens the mind's lock on a single scenario.
Make a clear agreement with your loved ones
Have a conversation with your partner or older children in which you can explain your fear without blaming them. A reasonable, limited agreement such as "This is my anxiety, not your responsibility; but when you set off on a long journey, it would help me if you sent a message when you arrive" eases things for both you and them. It is important that the agreement is limited; expecting to hear from them every hour will suffocate the other person.
Manage your news consumption
Constantly following news of accidents, disasters and violence supplies the mind with material for disaster scenarios. Watching the news at set times and for a limited period, not exposing yourself to graphic footage and muting this kind of content on social media can be helpful.
Turn the fear into meaningful time
When the thought "What if I lose them?" comes, ask yourself, "If they are here right now, what kind of time would I like to spend with them?" Turning the fear into a signal that reminds you of the value of being together in the present moment can reduce its power. Someone who constantly worries about their ageing parents could, instead of phoning every day to ask "Have you taken your medicine?", turn that worry into sitting with them once a week to look through old photographs and listen to their stories.
Being able to talk about death and loss
The fear of loss often grows when it goes unspoken. Being able to talk openly about death, loss and grief with someone you trust can ease the dread these subjects carry in the mind. If your worries about death are more general, the article on death anxiety may also guide you.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Worrying about the people we love is natural. However, in the following situations it can be helpful to get support from a mental health professional:
- If the fear takes up a large part of your daily life and disrupts your work or sleep
- If you are noticeably restricting your loved ones' trips, journeys or independence
- If the fear is causing frequent arguments in your relationships
- If checking behaviours are taking up hours of your time
- If the fear is growing heavier after a loss or a traumatic event
- If the fear is accompanied by panic attacks, insomnia or low mood
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, this is an emergency; call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Whether the symptoms require medication can be assessed by a psychiatrist. Learning to separate love from fear is also part of psychotherapy work in the area of anxiety and panic.
How Is the Fear of Loss Addressed in Therapy?
The first step in therapy is to understand the story of the fear: When did it begin? In which situations does it increase? Are there losses or separations in the past?
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) helps to map out together the situations that trigger disaster scenarios, the automatic thoughts and the checking behaviours that accompany them. Thoughts such as "If they're not answering the phone, something must have happened" are tested against evidence from real life. Checking and reassurance-seeking behaviours are reduced in steps the person can tolerate. In this way, the person experiences that anxiety can pass even without checking.
Work on tolerating uncertainty is also important. It is impossible to know that our loved ones are safe at every moment; in therapy, the person's capacity to live with this uncertainty is strengthened step by step.
Grief and loss work moves to the centre of the process if there is unfinished grief beneath the fear. Being able to talk about feelings related to the person who was lost can ease the present-day fear of loss.
A schema-focused perspective helps to understand how core beliefs formed early in life, such as "abandonment" or "vulnerability to harm", feed the present fear. Seeing the origins of these beliefs makes it easier for the person to approach themselves and their fear with more compassion.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I overcome the fear that something will happen to my child?
This fear does not disappear completely, but its intensity can be reduced. Cutting back checking behaviours step by step, giving the child areas of independence suited to their age and balancing disaster scenarios with realistic alternatives all help. If the fear is at a level that restricts the child's development, it is sensible to get support from a professional.
Is it normal for this fear to increase after experiencing a loss?
Yes, after losing someone you love, it is very common to fear that something will happen to your other loved ones. The mind stays on alert to prevent the loss from happening again. If this fear does not ease as the months pass, or makes daily life markedly harder, it can be helpful to get support during the grieving process.
My partner feels suffocated by my fear. What should I do?
First, it is important to accept that your fear is an anxiety you are experiencing and that your partner's behaviour is not responsible for it. You can talk with your partner at a calm moment and make a limited, reasonable agreement about keeping in touch. If the anxiety continues to strain your relationship, individual or couples support can be considered.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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