Where do feelings of shame come from, how do they grow with the worry of what people will say and hold you back? Read the signs, roots and ways to cope.
Imagine a thirty-six-year-old woman who has decided to end her ten-year marriage. She made the decision after a long time of thinking and struggling. When she tells her mother, the first reaction she gets is: "So what are we going to tell the neighbours, the relatives?" From that evening on, the woman begins to feel not like someone who has made a decision about her own life, but like the bearer of a stain. She cuts her greetings short in the neighbourhood, stops going to weddings and leaves her old friends' messages unanswered. Feelings of shame often work like this: they arrive quietly, make a person feel small and push them to hide. In Turkey, when they combine with the question "elalem ne der?" ("what will people say?"), they can turn into a heavy burden that shapes a person's life according to how others might look at them rather than according to their own needs. In this article we will talk about what shame is, what feeds it, and how a lighter relationship with it can be built.
What Are Feelings of Shame?
Shame is an intense emotion in which a person feels that they themselves, as a whole, are flawed, lacking or unacceptable, and believes they have been diminished in other people's eyes. While guilt says "I did something bad", shame says "I am bad; there's something wrong with me." For this reason, shame targets not just a behaviour but a person's identity.
Shame also has an evolutionary function. Humans live in groups, and throughout history being excluded from the group has threatened survival. Shame developed as a signal that warns us when we break the group's rules and steers us towards repairing our relationships. Brief and proportionate shame is part of social harmony.
Healthy shame and toxic shame
When you address the wrong person by the wrong name in a meeting, your face goes red; it passes quickly, and afterwards you laugh it off. This is healthy embarrassment. Toxic shame, by contrast, is lasting, has seeped into the person's very being and is felt even without being tied to a particular event. The person feels ashamed not only because of a mistake, but of who they are: their past, their family, their body or their emotions. This kind of shame, rather than guiding, pulls a person back from life.
Signs of Feelings of Shame: Recognising the Hidden Burden
Shame is perhaps the least talked-about emotion, because people are ashamed of the shame itself. This is why it usually shows itself not directly but through indirect signs:
- Physical reactions: Blushing, avoiding eye contact, slumped shoulders, the body shrinking in on itself, wanting the ground to swallow you up
- Hiding: Not telling anyone what has happened, changing the subject when asked, always keeping a certain distance in relationships
- Trying to look perfect: Being constantly on guard so that flaws are not noticed
- Sudden anger: Flaring up unexpectedly in response to criticism that brings up shame. Anger can work like a shield against the sense of being made small that shame brings.
- Covering it with humour: Constantly turning painful subjects into jokes, mocking yourself before anyone else can
- Withdrawal: Staying away from social settings, opportunities and close relationships
- Being unable to ask for help: Believing that admitting a problem would be a weakness or a disgrace
"What Will People Say?": The Cultural Roots of Shame
Shame exists in every culture; but in Turkey, shame often carries a family and social dimension rather than a purely individual one. A person's behaviour is seen as something that affects not only themselves but also their family's "reputation". Sentences such as "Don't disgrace us", "Don't make us hang our heads" and "Shame on you, people will see" are among the pieces of advice many children hear most often while growing up.
This cultural framework makes some experiences especially laden with shame:
- Divorce: A decision a person makes about their own life can turn into an event that the family and community may see as a "failure" or a "disgrace".
- Losing a job or going bankrupt: Especially for men who have taken on the role of providing for the family, a financial loss can be a source of deep shame.
- Seeking psychological support: To avoid people saying "Apparently they're seeing a psychologist", many people put off getting help for years, or go to therapy without their family knowing.
- A child's school results: A child failing an exam can turn, for the parent, into the worry "What are we going to tell people?"
- Illness and disability: In some families, a mental or physical illness is kept hidden like a secret.
"Elalem" (literally, "the world and its people") is in fact a community of judges that is never quite defined, yet is felt everywhere. We looked in more detail at how this worry works and how it steers people's decisions in the article on worrying about what people will say. The point I want to underline here is this: this community of judges lives inside us as much as outside. Over the years, the voice of "elalem" becomes the person's own inner voice, and even when no one says anything any more, the person carries on judging themselves.
Where Do Feelings of Shame Come From?
Growing up being told "shame on you"
Children are naturally curious, lively beings who show their emotions openly. When these natural states are constantly met with reactions like "shame on you", "rude" or "shameless", the child may learn that not just certain behaviours but their own nature is unacceptable. In particular, when natural forms of expression, such as girls laughing out loud or boys crying, are frowned upon, shame becomes woven into identity.
Not being seen, and emotional neglect
Shame grows not only through criticism but also through indifference. A child whose emotions go unnoticed, whose joy or sadness receives no response, may conclude: "My needs don't matter; maybe there's something wrong with me." You can read about the traces these silent experiences leave in adulthood in the article on emotional neglect in childhood.
Mockery and exclusion
Being mocked for a stammer, an accent, weight, clothes, the family's financial situation or school performance is one of the deepest sources of shame. Being told off in front of the class as a child, being given nicknames or being excluded from a group can, even in adulthood, awaken the same sense of shrinking in the body in similar situations.
Poverty and class differences
Children who cannot go on a school trip because there is no money, who cannot invite anyone back to their own home when they are invited to friends' houses, or who stand out because of their clothes, get to know shame very early. These experiences can lead a person, even after their financial situation changes, to feel that they do not belong in "good enough" settings. In times of a rising cost of living, adults too may experience a similar shame all over again.
Trauma
Experiences of abuse, violence or humiliation can lead a person to feel "dirty", "broken" or "worthless". Even though the person is not responsible for what happened, shame is often placed on the shoulders of the victim. This is one of the heaviest and most silent consequences of trauma.
Why Does Shame Want to Hide?
The most distinctive feature of shame is that it drives a person to conceal. The thought "No one must know" comes almost automatically with feelings of shame. In the short term, this concealment seems protective, because the risk of being judged decreases. But in the long term it makes the shame grow.
An experience that is hidden also loses the chance of meeting someone else's compassionate response. Because the person does not tell anyone what they went through, the belief "If they knew, they'd turn away from me" is never tested. As long as this belief goes untested it grows stronger, and the person feels they have to hide more and more. In the end, their relationships with people stay on the surface; the person feels alone even in a crowd. In some people who withdraw because of shame, this can also turn into intense anxiety in social settings; we covered this topic in the article on social phobia.
Shame grows for as long as it goes unnamed; told to a safe listener, it is seen at its true size for the first time.
Steps to Cope with Shame
Recognise and name the feeling
Shame often hides behind other emotions: anger, anxiety, withdrawal. If, after a situation, you feel diminished and as if you want to hide, stop and say to yourself: "I'm feeling ashamed right now." This simple act of naming makes it harder for the feeling to take you over completely, and turns it from a verdict into an experience.
Straighten your body
Shame makes the body shrink; the shoulders drop, the head bows, the breath becomes shallow. In these moments, consciously straightening your back, planting your feet on the ground and taking a few deep breaths can give your body the message "the danger has passed". As the body straightens, the mind can also open up to a slightly wider perspective.
Ask "Whose standard is this?"
Write down what you feel ashamed of, and underneath add the question: "Who decided this was shameful?" Often the answer is a family elder, a teacher or a vague "community". Then ask: "Would I, today, choose this standard according to my own values?" Getting divorced, losing your job, going to therapy or failing an exam may not be shameful when judged by your own values.
Remember our common humanity
Shame tells a person, "You're the only one like this." Yet most of the things we feel ashamed of are experiences countless other people have had too. Saying to yourself, "This is part of being human; lots of people like me go through this too", can reduce the isolating effect of shame.
Share something small with a safe person
The antidote to shame is being seen without being judged. Choose someone you trust and know to be compassionate towards you, and share a small part of something you feel ashamed of with them. You do not have to tell everything at once. Seeing the other person respond with understanding is a very powerful experience against the belief "If they knew, they'd turn away from me."
Try being visible in small steps
For someone who has withdrawn because of shame, rejoining life does not happen all at once. Small steps, such as saying a single sentence in a meeting, sending a message to a friend you have not seen for a long time, or attending a family gathering for a short while, gradually loosen the habit of hiding.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Speaking to a mental health professional may be helpful in the following situations:
- If feelings of shame are clearly keeping you away from social settings, relationships or opportunities
- If for years you have been unable to tell anyone about something that happened in the past, and you carry intense shame about it
- If shame is accompanied by low mood, worthlessness and hopelessness
- If you are turning to alcohol, substances or other harmful ways of coping with shame
- If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life
In an emergency where you are having thoughts of harming yourself, call 112 (emergency services) without delay. These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; but they do call for assessment and support. Seeking therapy is not shameful in itself either; knowing that sessions are conducted under the principle of confidentiality can make this step easier.
How Are Feelings of Shame Addressed in Therapy?
When working with shame, the therapeutic relationship itself is perhaps the most important tool. A person who tells, for the first time, something they have hidden for years, and who is met with understanding rather than judgement, experiences that what shame tells them may not be true. This is why, in therapy, topics related to shame are approached at the pace the person is ready for, without pressure.
In cognitive behavioural therapy, the beliefs behind shame ("There's something fundamentally wrong with me", "If people see the real me, they'll reject me") and the behaviours that protect these beliefs (hiding, avoidance, trying to look perfect) are explored. Small behavioural experiments may be planned to help the person test these beliefs in safe conditions.
A schema therapy perspective helps in understanding which childhood experiences led to the development of the "defectiveness/shame" schema. In therapy, the aim is to strengthen an adult voice that approaches the shame-carrying child side of the person with compassion and protects it from the critical, shaming voice. You can find information about this kind of individual work on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
I'm ashamed in case people find out I'm seeing a psychologist; what should I do?
This is a very common worry. Getting support for your mental health is as ordinary as going to a doctor for a physical problem, and sessions are conducted according to the principle of confidentiality. You decide who knows and who does not; you do not owe anyone an explanation.
Why do I get angry when I feel ashamed?
Shame makes a person feel diminished and defenceless. Anger provides quick protection against this feeling of being made small; the person feels stronger. That is why flaring up unexpectedly in response to criticism can be a sign of underlying shame. Noticing this link helps in managing anger better.
Are shame and embarrassment the same thing?
Embarrassment is usually felt in response to a small and temporary social slip; after a while you can laugh it off. Shame is deeper and more lasting; it affects a person's fundamental sense of themselves. Embarrassment is a feeling about an event, whereas shame is a feeling about the whole person.
How can I correct my child without shaming them?
The basic principle is to direct the correction at the child's behaviour, not their personality: saying, for example, "Banging on the table isn't okay; you can get down once you've finished eating" instead of "You're naughty and you should be ashamed." Where possible, correcting the child one-to-one rather than in front of others, and then repairing the bond afterwards, teaches the child that making a mistake does not mean losing love.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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