Does the worry about what will people say decide your choices? Read about the roots and cost of living by others' judgement and how to return to your values.
Your engineering degree hangs on the wall, but for years what you have really loved is working with dough. The cakes you make at weekends are the talk of your circle of friends, and you have even started taking small orders. One evening you pluck up your courage and tell your family that you are thinking of leaving your job to open a small patisserie. Your mother's first sentence is not about the plan, the money or the risk: "What will people say? We put you through university, made you an engineer, and now they'll say you're going to be a pastry cook." A silence falls over the table. And that night you cannot sleep, wondering why you are weighing a decision about your own life against the possible comments of people you do not even know. In this article I look at where this familiar sentence, "Elalem ne der?" in Turkish, comes from, how it shapes our lives and how we can gradually stop living through other people's eyes.
What Is the "What Will People Say?" Anxiety?
"Elalem" literally means "other people, strangers". But in everyday Turkish it carries a much broader meaning: neighbours, relatives, the neighbourhood, work circles, old classmates and that invisible crowd whose identity is never quite clear. This anxiety is when a person makes their decisions according to the possible judgement of this crowd rather than their own wishes, needs and values, and feels intense worry about that judgement.
Caring about what others think is part of being human. We are social beings; acceptance by the group we belong to has been a condition of survival for thousands of years. So this anxiety is not a weakness but the modern reflection of a very old need. The problem is when this need completely drowns out a person's own voice and hands the steering wheel of their life to other people's possible comments.
The power of the word "ayıp"
One of the strongest carriers of this anxiety is the word "ayıp" (shameful, improper), which we hear from childhood onwards. Sometimes "ayıp" really does point to behaviour that would hurt someone else; sometimes it simply refers to anything out of the ordinary. Laughing loudly, being single after thirty, getting divorced, going on holiday alone as a woman or crying as a man may all be considered "ayıp" in different families. The more often and the less justifiably this word was used, the louder the voice of "people" is heard in adulthood.
The Marks This Anxiety Leaves on Life
Living according to the judgement of those around you sometimes becomes so natural that the person does not notice it. The following situations may give you an idea:
- In important decisions, the first thing you think of is not "What do I want?" but "What will people think when they hear?"
- You give up your own preferences when choosing a profession, a partner, a city to live in or the style of your wedding.
- You stay in a relationship or a job that makes you unhappy because of the talk that leaving would cause.
- You constantly calculate how your home, your car, your child's school marks or your wedding gold look in other people's eyes.
- After visits from neighbours or relatives, you spend hours wondering "What did they think?"
- When explaining a decision to your family, you defend yourself with an eye not on their reaction but on that of their social circle.
- You feel as though you are playing a role in your own life and cannot show anyone who you really are.
This anxiety can leave its mark on the body too. Many people who get stomach aches before an important family gathering, cannot sleep before a big wedding or feel their heart racing on the evening they are going to tell their family about a decision later realise that intense worry about others' judgement lay beneath these symptoms.
Where Does the "What Will People Say?" Thought Come From?
The two faces of a "we" culture
In Turkey, many families are built more around "we" than around the individual. This structure has beautiful sides: the neighbour who knocks on your door in hard times, the relative who comes to sit with you at the hospital, the neighbourhood that lends a hand at a wedding. But the same closeness means that individual choices become everyone's business too. Your decision comes to represent the whole family, and this makes every choice heavier.
Places where everyone knows everyone
In small towns, people knowing one another brings a sense of security on the one hand, and on the other a feeling of constantly being watched. The people you meet at the corner shop, at the market, at the mosque or at a wedding all know something about your life. Someone who grows up in this environment may keep carrying those invisible eyes with them even after moving to a big city. We look at the social side of this issue in more detail in our article on neighbourhood pressure.
Being valued for appearances
Which were the moments in childhood when you received the most praise? When the guests said "How nicely he's sitting", or when your report card was shown to relatives? A child who grows up in an environment where being valued is so closely tied to other people's approval learns to look at signals from outside rather than at their own inner compass. In adulthood, too, they look for the answer to "Am I all right?" not inside but in the reactions of those around them.
The new neighbourhood: social media
In the past, "people" stretched to the end of the street. Today they stretch as far as the list of followers on our phone. Every photo shared, every holiday, every wedding creates a new arena for evaluation. Likes, comments and "seen" notifications become the digital equivalent of neighbourhood gossip. This turns the anxiety into a window that never closes.
Healthy Sensitivity, or Living Through Others' Eyes?
When talking about this anxiety, an important distinction needs to be made. Considering other people's feelings, respecting society's unwritten rules and taking care not to hurt the people we love are healthy and valuable behaviours. Not playing loud music at a house in mourning, or taking an elderly neighbour's sensitivities into account, is not "what will people say" anxiety; it is empathy.
To make the distinction, you can ask yourself these questions:
- Am I making this decision so as not to harm someone, or only so that people will not talk about me?
- Do the people who would make these comments really hold an important place in my life, or are they people whose faces I cannot even remember?
- What would I do if no one were ever going to find out?
- Who will pay the price of this choice: the people who will comment, or me?
The last question is often the most illuminating. A person who stays in an unhappy marriage, works for years in a profession they do not love or cannot move to the city they want pays that price every day themselves. Those who comment, meanwhile, usually move on to another topic within a few days.
Who Are "People"? The Audience Within
One of the most surprising discoveries when working with this anxiety is that "people" are very often not outside but inside. When many people ask "What will people say?", they are really hearing not a particular person but a critical voice that has formed inside them over the years. This voice sometimes speaks in the tone of a mother, sometimes a teacher, and sometimes a neighbourhood elder who passes for wise.
Let's say a thirty-five-year-old single woman wants to leave her family home and move into a place of her own. The first thought that comes to mind is "What will the neighbours say? The relatives will ask why she left home." When she thinks a little more, she realises that the person saying this most loudly is actually herself; even her mother, when the subject is raised, turns out to be far more understanding than she expected. The audience inside is usually much harsher than the one outside.
Parents had their own "people" too
Most parents who object to our decisions with "What will people say?" heard the same sentence far more harshly in their own youth. For their generation, the support of those around them was sometimes truly vital; finding work, renting a home and getting the children married often depended on the reputation formed in the neighbourhood's mouth. So parents' anxiety may be not only a wish for control but an effort to protect, distilled from their own experience. Understanding this does not mean giving in to their every objection; but it makes it easier to have the conversation with mutual understanding rather than blame.
The loudest member of the crowd we call "people" usually sits inside us.
Steps for Breaking Free from Living Through Others' Eyes
- Make "people" concrete. Try writing down the names of the people you mean by "everyone". Often you will see that the list is limited to a few people, and that some of them do not hold a very important place in your life.
- Clarify your own values. Write down what really matters in your life: freedom, hard work, family, curiosity, honesty. Compare your decisions against this list. A choice that is in line with your values brings an inner steadiness even when others do not approve.
- Accept the reaction in advance. After an important decision, some comments will come. See this not as a sign of failure but as an expected stage. Being able to say "A few people will talk, and I'm still choosing this path" reduces anxiety.
- Remember how short gossip lives. The neighbourhood's agenda changes quickly. The topic being talked about today gives way to another piece of news within a few weeks. You, however, live with the consequences of your decision for years.
- Start with small steps. Before life-changing decisions, practise with small choices: wearing the clothes you want, choosing not to go to an invitation, enjoying a moment without sharing it on social media.
- Set boundaries when talking to your family. A clear and respectful sentence such as "I'm sharing my decision with you because you matter to me. But what others will say can't be the measure of this decision" can shorten long arguments.
- Spend time with supportive people. Friends who accept you as you are create a strong counterweight to the critical voice inside you.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
It may be helpful to seek support from a professional in the following situations:
- If you keep postponing important life decisions or making them in a direction you do not want,
- If anxiety about other people's judgement is affecting your sleep, appetite and daily functioning,
- If you feel you have to live as someone different from who you really are and this has worn you out,
- If you experience intense guilt and conflict when you try to set boundaries with your family,
- If unhappiness, hopelessness or feelings of worthlessness are steadily increasing.
If hopelessness has turned into the thought that life is not worth living, do not wait; in an emergency call 112 (emergency services) and contact a mental health professional as soon as possible.
How Is the "What Will People Say?" Anxiety Addressed in Therapy?
The aim of therapy is not to cut the person off from those around them or to belittle social values. The aim is for the person to be able to tell which values they are truly committed to and which rules they keep only out of fear.
In individual therapy, thoughts such as "Everyone will judge me" or "If I embarrass my family, I won't be able to bear it" are examined using the tools of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. The evidence for these thoughts, their possible consequences and the person's capacity to cope with those consequences are assessed together. The perspective of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is also very useful for this anxiety: the person learns to take steps in line with their values while accepting that the anxiety is there. You can find more about this approach in our article on acceptance and commitment therapy.
From a schema therapy perspective, patterns such as "approval-seeking" and "subjugation" can be addressed. As the person comes to understand where and how they learnt to tie their worth to others' approval, it becomes easier to hear their own voice in today's decisions.
An important part of therapy also progresses through small real-life experiments. The person makes a choice they previously avoided, for example clearly stating their opinion at a family gathering or taking up a hobby they think others will not approve of, and then reviews what happened with their therapist. These experiences show that the feared judgement is usually milder than expected and, when it does come, remains manageable. Where needed, sessions with the family can also be part of the process.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is the "What will people say?" thought entirely bad?
No. Considering other people's feelings and fitting in with society are healthy behaviours. The problem begins when this thought leads a person to constantly suppress their own needs and values.
What can I do if my family interferes with my decisions out of fear of how others will react?
Understanding that their anxiety has a history too can reduce your anger. Explaining your decision calmly, acknowledging their feelings, but stating clearly that the reaction of others cannot be the measure of the decision is often more effective than long arguments.
Is it possible to get free of this anxiety while living in a small town?
Visibility to others really is higher in small places, and ignoring this would not be realistic. However, the intensity of the anxiety can change through the relationship a person builds with their own values; in the very same small town there are many people who hear the comments of those around them and still choose their own path.
Why do I think so much before posting on social media?
Social media makes the judgement of others constant and measurable; likes and comments feel like a kind of approval score. Asking yourself before posting "Whose approval am I sharing this for?", and sometimes living certain moments without sharing them at all, can ease this pressure.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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