Why can giving birth abroad be emotionally hard? Read about loneliness after birth, signs of postnatal depression and practical steps to find support.
When a baby is born in Turkey, the house suddenly fills up. Mothers, mothers-in-law, aunts and neighbours come; soups are cooked, lohusa sherbet (the traditional spiced drink for new mothers) is made, and for forty days people try not to leave the new mother alone. Far from home, many women find themselves a few days after the birth at home with their baby, their partner back at work and their family thousands of kilometres away. Giving birth abroad, even when it takes place in good conditions from a healthcare point of view, can be an emotionally isolating experience. Making a birth plan in a new language, getting used to a different midwifery culture, and stepping into motherhood in the weeks after birth without a support network can be a serious burden. In this article I will try to explain the emotional side of becoming a mother far from home, the signs to watch for, and the concrete steps you can take to prepare for this period.
Why Is Giving Birth Abroad Emotionally Different?
Birth is a major transition in every woman's life. The body changes, sleep is thrown into disarray and identity is redefined. In most cultures this transition is lived together with the community. In Turkey, rituals such as the postnatal confinement period, the forty-day tradition, visits to see the baby and the first bath being given with the baby's maternal grandmother strengthen the new mother's feeling that she is not alone. Some of these traditions can also feel overwhelming for some women; but they often work as a practical and emotional support network.
Abroad, this network is usually absent or very limited. In the country where you live there may be valuable services such as postnatal midwife visits and health checks; but these services cannot replace a mother who will rock the crying baby at three in the morning, a mother-in-law who will put hot food on the table, or an aunt who will say, "I was like that too, it will pass, my dear." As a result, a woman may have to adjust both to motherhood and to learning motherhood on her own.
For many women, giving birth abroad is also very different from the birth their own mother experienced. Practices in the hospital, approaches to breastfeeding and advice about the baby's sleep can conflict with what is heard from family in Turkey. A woman may find herself caught between two different "right ways".
Imagine a woman living in Belgium who has given birth to her first baby. Her mother came from Turkey a week before the birth and stayed for three weeks. For those three weeks there was hot food, clean laundry and help at night in the house. On the first morning after her mother left for the airport, the woman stood in the kitchen with the baby in her arms and began to cry without knowing what to do. The house was the same, the baby was the same; but the loneliness had suddenly appeared in all its weight. An experience like this is a moment that many women who give birth abroad will find familiar.
Signs of Struggling After Giving Birth Abroad
In the first two weeks after birth, many women experience sudden mood changes, crying, sensitivity and restlessness. This is generally known as the "baby blues" and often passes on its own. But some symptoms last longer and go deeper.
Signs to watch for
- A low mood, hopelessness or constant tearfulness lasting more than two weeks
- Emotional detachment from the baby, or a feeling of "I feel nothing"
- Being unable to sleep even when the baby is asleep
- Thoughts such as "I'm not a good mother" or "My baby would be better off without me"
- Constant and intense fears that harm will come to the baby, a need to check again and again
- Intense anxiety, panic-attack-like symptoms
- Marked change in appetite, excessive tiredness
- Withdrawing completely from yourself, your partner or your surroundings
Signs specific to living abroad
- Behaving as if everything is fine when speaking with family in Turkey
- Avoiding describing real feelings at midwife or doctor visits, giving short answers to questions because of "inadequate language"
- A marked increase in symptoms after her mother or mother-in-law has returned to Turkey
- Hesitating to join mother-and-baby groups in the country where she lives
These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; but their presence should be taken seriously. I cover postnatal depression in detail in the article on postnatal depression.
Causes of the Lack of Postnatal Support When Giving Birth Abroad
Physical distance and short visits
A mother or mother-in-law coming from Turkey can usually stay only a few weeks because of visas, work or her own health. Their departure may coincide with the weeks when the new mother is struggling most. When the baby has not yet settled into a sleep pattern, the house suddenly going quiet can create a great sense of emptiness.
Language and the healthcare system
Birth requires talking about very personal matters concerning your body and your feelings. Describing these in a second language can be hard, especially when you are tired. Midwives and doctors often ask about your mood too; but answering the question "How are you?" sincerely can become even harder when you are not speaking your own language.
Cultural expectations
The family in Turkey may expect certain behaviours from the new mother: not going out for forty days, swaddling the baby, eating or not eating particular foods. Health professionals in the country where you live may make different recommendations. These contradictions can give rise to the question "Whom should I listen to?" and to feelings of guilt.
The partner's role and working conditions
Paternity leave varies from country to country and from job to job. When the partner returns to work, the mother may be left alone all day. The partner too may struggle while adjusting to new fatherhood and trying to meet the needs of work, home and his partner. Fathers living abroad are often far from their own family support and may not find a space to share their feelings. It should not be forgotten that some fathers can also experience anxiety and low mood in the postnatal period.
Identity and career
For women who went abroad for their partner's job and put their own career on hold, motherhood can be a new change added on top of an existing loss of identity. The feeling of "first I gave up my job, now I'm giving up my life" can make the postnatal period more complicated.
How Does Motherhood Abroad Affect the Family and Relationships?
The couple's relationship: Sleeplessness, tiredness and lack of support can increase arguments between couples. Sentences such as "You go to work and escape" or "I'm tired too" are often heard. Both sides may feel their own load is invisible. In this period it is important to set aside regular times, however short, to listen to one another. If needed, couples therapy can help you manage this transition together.
Relationship with family in Turkey: The baby becomes the star of video calls; grandparents watch the baby grow through the screen. This is valuable for building a bond; but advice and criticism coming through the screen can tire the new mother. It may be necessary to set boundaries gently.
Bond with the baby: The mother's mood can affect the interaction she builds with the baby. This does not mean the mother is "bad"; it only shows that the mother also needs support. When the mother is supported, the relationship with the baby is also generally strengthened. Making eye contact with your baby, singing Turkish lullabies and talking to them are small but valuable moments that nourish the bond even on days when you are tired.
Concrete Steps for Preparing for Giving Birth Abroad and for the Postnatal Period
Before the birth
Write a support plan. For the first two months after birth, who will help, when and how? If possible, plan the visits of family members coming from Turkey one after another, so that support does not end all at once.
Learn about local services in advance. During pregnancy, research how services such as postnatal midwife visits, breastfeeding counselling and mother-and-baby groups work in the country where you live. Check how your insurance covers these services.
Prepare key words. Note down basic expressions about birth, breastfeeding and emotional state in the language of the country where you live. Ask the hospital whether interpreter support is available.
Share roles with your partner. Talk in advance about night feeds, housework, shopping and visitors. Instead of "I'll say when I need it", set up a concrete arrangement.
After the birth
Accept help, even ask for it. Do not turn down offers of help from a neighbour, a Turkish friend or a colleague. Saying "Could you bring a meal?" is not weakness but sensible self-care.
Build a new village. Join Turkish mother groups in your city, local mother-and-baby meet-ups or baby events at libraries. Mothers going through the same period can be a very valuable source of support.
Prioritise sleep. When the baby sleeps, try to drop everything and rest. The housework can wait. If possible, share night shifts with your partner.
Keep track of your own feelings. Take a short note every day: "How did I feel today? What helped?" If symptoms last longer than two weeks, tell a health professional.
Choose from both cultures. Keep the traditions from Turkey that do you good (lohusa soup, rest days, help from visitors); also adopt those recommendations from the country where you live that are safe and suit you. You do not have to follow every piece of advice.
Set boundaries with family in Turkey. Setting aside specific times for video calls, keeping calls short when you are tired and saying "Thank you, I'm talking to my doctor" when criticism comes will help you protect yourself.
Asking for help in the first months of motherhood is one of the most powerful things you can do for your baby.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
We recommend that you talk to a specialist in the following situations:
- If low mood, anxiety or crying spells last more than two weeks
- If you find it hard to care for the baby or meet your own basic needs
- If fears that the baby will come to harm or unwanted thoughts are intense
- If you feel completely alone and helpless
- If you cannot sleep even though you have the opportunity
If medication is needed in the postnatal period, this decision should be made by a psychiatrist, taking breastfeeding into account. Your midwife, obstetrician or family doctor can be the first point of contact.
Emergencies: Symptoms such as thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, a feeling of losing touch with reality, hearing voices or extreme confusion require urgent assessment. In this case, call the emergency number of the country where you are without waiting (112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and psychiatric services are necessary.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
For new mothers, sessions that can be held without leaving the house, while the baby sleeps, can offer a practical advantage. In therapy in your mother tongue you do not have to explain concepts such as "kırk basması" (the traditional postnatal illness of the forty-day period), "lohusa" (a woman in the postpartum period) or "kayınvalide" (mother-in-law), or describe in another language how your relationship with your own mother is reflected in your motherhood. Midwifery and mental health services in the country where you live are also very valuable; online therapy in Turkish is an option that can be used alongside them.
In a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) based approach, the following topics can be addressed:
- Normalising feelings: Mixed feelings about motherhood, guilt and disappointment are talked about without judgement.
- Working with thoughts: Beliefs such as "I must be a perfect mother" or "If I ask for help I'll fail" are noticed and made more flexible.
- Building a support network: Local and distant sources of support are mapped and concrete steps planned.
- Communication as a couple: Role sharing and skills for expressing needs are worked on.
- Managing anxiety: Worries about the baby's health and checking behaviours are addressed.
Sessions can be planned according to the baby's sleep pattern and the time difference; headphones and a quiet room are enough. For details, you can look at the Turks Living Abroad and online therapy pages.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does giving birth abroad increase the risk of postnatal depression?
Postnatal depression can occur in every country. Factors such as lack of social support, loneliness and a language barrier may increase difficulty in some women. For this reason it is important to make a support plan in advance and to notice symptoms early.
How long should my mother stay after the birth?
There is no single right answer; visa conditions, your family's circumstances and the nature of your relationship are decisive. If possible, spreading visits among different family members to extend the period of support can be helpful.
The advice from my family in Turkey conflicts with what my doctor says. What should I do?
On matters concerning the baby's health, we recommend that you base your decisions on the advice of health professionals in the country where you live. You can keep those cultural suggestions from your family that are safe and do you good. Explaining the conflict to your family in a kind but clear way can reduce tension.
How can I make new friends while I am at home with the baby?
Local mother-and-baby groups, library events, parks and Turkish mother communities on social media can be good starting points. Taking the first step may feel hard, but other mothers going through the same period are often looking for connection too.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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