Hosting earthquake survivors at home is both a profound act of solidarity and an exhausting process. Read practical ways to ease the load for host and guest.
When the phone rang, you said "Come straight away" without a second thought. The next day your sister, her husband and their two children were at your door with a few carrier bags in their hands. In the first weeks everyone was together; beds were laid out, meals grew larger, conversations went on late into the night. Two months have passed since then. Now there are queues for the bathroom, bills, the children's squabbles and a tiredness you cannot tell anyone about. Hosting earthquake survivors is something many families in Turkey experienced after the 6 February 2023 earthquakes: both a deep form of solidarity and a quiet exhaustion. In this article we look at both sides of this process, the host and the guest, and share suggestions to make living together easier.
Hosting Earthquake Survivors: The Two Faces of Solidarity
In Turkish culture, hospitality, and especially opening your door in hard times, is a deeply held value. After the earthquake, thousands of families took in their relatives, and even people they had never met, into their homes. This solidarity became a vital safety net for those affected by the disaster.
Moreover, this experience was not limited to cities close to the earthquake zone. Many provinces, from Istanbul to Mersin and from Ankara to Bursa, hosted families affected by the disaster for a long time.
However, this process also has a side that is rarely discussed. When a stay that was thought of as temporary stretches into an uncertain length of time, it can become a serious burden for both host and guest. Feeling this burden does not mean that the host is disloyal or that the guest is ungrateful. Two families are trying to live in an arrangement they are not used to, and in the shadow of a major disaster at that.
The aim of this article is to recognise both sides' feelings as legitimate and to make living together more sustainable.
The Guest's Inner World: Loss, Guilt and Embarrassment
A person affected by an earthquake who takes refuge in a relative's home carries many burdens at once:
- Losses: A home, belongings, perhaps a job, perhaps loved ones. While grief for these losses has only just begun, they must adapt to a new way of living.
- Traumatic memories: The moment of the earthquake, images of rubble, news of losses; sleep problems, startle reactions and nightmares can be common.
- Embarrassment: The feeling "I'm a burden" is one of the feelings guests experience most often. It can make it hard to voice their needs, lead them to thank their hosts constantly or, on the contrary, to withdraw.
- Loss of control: Someone who ran their own household and laid their own table now lives in someone else's kitchen, by someone else's rules. This damages their sense of identity and autonomy.
- Uncertainty: When will they go back, where will they go back to, how will they start again? These questions remaining unanswered keeps anxiety alive.
When a guest sometimes seems irritable, uninterested or constantly tired, this is usually not an attitude towards the host but an outward expression of these burdens.
The Host's Inner World: Fatigue and the Things Left Unsaid
On the host's side, a different tangle of feelings is usually experienced:
- Physical fatigue: More cooking, more laundry, more cleaning. This load often falls on the women of the family and remains invisible.
- Loss of privacy: Not being able to relax in your own home, not being able to talk privately with your partner, not being able to retreat to a room and rest.
- Financial pressure: At a time when the cost of living is high, rising grocery and utility bills can strain the budget.
- Secondary trauma: Listening to what the guest has been through and witnessing them crying at night affects the host emotionally too. We discuss the burden of witnessing someone else's pain over a long period in detail in our article on secondary trauma.
- Guilt: Perhaps the heaviest of all. The thought "They lost everything, and I'm complaining about being tired?" leads the host to suppress their own needs completely.
Suppressed fatigue and anger build up somewhere, and often emerge as an unexpected outburst over a small incident, such as a tap left running or a television that is too loud. The regret that follows makes the cycle even heavier.
Admitting that you are tired does not reduce your solidarity; it makes it sustainable. An exhausted host cannot keep a door open to anyone for long.
Living Under One Roof With Earthquake Survivors: Common Tensions
When two families live under the same roof, some points of tension are almost inevitable:
- Household order and habits: Bedtimes, mealtimes, ideas about cleanliness, how long the television stays on.
- Differences in parenting: One family forbidding what the other allows, children copying each other or being compared.
- Money and contributions: The guest wanting to contribute but being unable to, or the host expecting a contribution but being unable to say so.
- Tension between partners: When the guest is a relative of one of the host partners, the other partner may feel they are carrying more of the load or have no say. When extended family members such as a mother-in-law or brother-in-law are the guests, this dynamic can become even more delicate.
- Uncertainty about duration: The question "Until when?" can remain one that is on both sides' minds yet that no one can bring themselves to voice.
Let us say an elderly uncle and his wife from Adıyaman move into their nephew's three-bedroom flat in Ankara. The nephew's wife is bothered by the uncle getting up very early and listening to the news on the radio in the kitchen, but she hesitates to say anything. The uncle, meanwhile, notices he is making noise every morning, feels embarrassed and so does not come out of his room for the rest of the day. Because no one says anything, both sides misunderstand: the nephew's wife thinks the uncle "acts as if it were his own home", while the uncle thinks he is "not wanted". Yet a five-minute conversation, perhaps with a suggestion of headphones or a different time, could have resolved this silent tension.
Suggestions That Make Living Together Easier
Have a "household routine" conversation after the first weeks
In the first days, talking about rules may not be appropriate; everyone is in shock. But after a few weeks, it is important for the two families to come together at a calm moment and talk through practical matters: bathroom times, meal arrangements, the children's bedtimes, use of the television. Framing this conversation not as blame but as "so that we can all be comfortable" reduces defensiveness.
Give the guest a meaningful role
One of the most effective ways to reduce the feeling of embarrassment is to make room for the guest to contribute to the household. Tasks such as cooking, looking after the children or doing the shopping help the guest feel part of the family rather than a burden. This also lightens the host's load.
Create personal space for both families
Even in a small home, it is possible to set aside a corner or a time slot in which everyone can be alone for an hour of the day. The host partners going out together once a week, and the guest being able to go for a walk on their own, prevent tension from building up.
Make the question "until when?" something that can be discussed
Uncertainty about duration causes anxiety for both sides. Although the subject is hard to raise, asking about the guest's plans in a supportive tone, for example "Is there anything I can help with on the container or rental applications?", is both a practical step and opens the door to a conversation about the future.
Make room for grief and trauma, but don't push
If the guest wants to talk about what they have been through, listen; if not, do not question them. You can find the basic principles of how to support someone affected by a disaster in our article on psychological first aid after a disaster. What matters is that the host offers a safe, calm environment without stepping into the role of therapist.
Don't forget your own sources of support
As a host, you need someone you can talk to about your tiredness, anger or sadness. A friend, a sibling or a professional offers a space where you can let your feelings out without them spilling onto your guest.
Prepare for the time of parting, too
A stay comes to an end one day; the guest moves into a container, a rented home or back to their home town. This moment can also carry more complex feelings than you might expect. While feeling relieved, the host may notice that the home has suddenly emptied, or even feel guilty, thinking "I didn't host them well enough". The guest, along with gratitude, experiences the anxiety of being alone again and starting from scratch. Not rushing the farewell, remembering the hard period spent together over a calm meal, and afterwards calling regularly to ask how they are soften this transition for both sides. Sometimes, a difficult togetherness lasting months, when closed properly, remains in the family's shared memory as a story of solidarity.
When Children Share the Same Home
When two families' children live in the same home, there may at first be the excitement of a "cousins' holiday". But over time, sharing rooms, toys and parental attention can create tension. The host family's child may feel they have lost their own room or toys; the guest child, under the impact of the trauma they experienced, may be grumpier, clingier or quieter.
It is important to give both children a space where they can keep their own special belongings, to tell the host family's child "You're affected by this situation too, and that's very understandable", and to protect the guest child's school, play and sleep routines as far as possible. If long-lasting sleep problems, angry outbursts or withdrawal are observed in either child, support from a child mental health professional will be helpful.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The fatigue that comes with living together is usually natural and temporary. In the following situations, however, whether as host or guest, you might consider consulting a professional:
- You feel constant exhaustion, lack of motivation or hopelessness
- Angry outbursts have become more frequent and have started to damage relationships
- The tension between you and your partner has become permanent
- Months later, your guest is still experiencing intense nightmares, startle reactions and withdrawal
- Thoughts of harming yourself or someone else have appeared
In emergencies, such as a risk of harm to oneself or others, call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Individual therapy to work with the fatigue and guilt that build up during this process is available face to face or online.
How Are Hosting and the Burden of Care Addressed in Therapy?
The first step in therapy is for the person to recognise what they feel without judging it. For the host, this may mean being able to say "I'm tired, and this tiredness is not disloyalty"; for the guest, it may mean being able to say "I feel like a burden, and behind this feeling lies a great loss".
Within cognitive behavioural therapy, rigid beliefs such as "A good person never gets tired" or "If I say anything to my guest, I'll hurt their feelings" are noticed and tested against more flexible perspectives. Boundary-setting and communication skills are worked on through real-life situations.
From a schema therapy perspective, in some people the tendency to constantly put their own needs last may be linked to a "self-sacrifice" pattern carried from childhood. Recognising this pattern helps in understanding the roots of present-day exhaustion.
Trauma and grief work makes room for a guest affected by the earthquake to grieve their losses and to work with traumatic memories at their own pace.
Couple and family sessions can allow the tensions created by living together to be discussed in a setting where all parties' voices are heard.
Frequently Asked Questions
If I say I'm tired, will I be letting them down?
No. Acknowledging your tiredness does not lessen the love or solidarity you feel for your guest. On the contrary, looking after your own limits allows your help to be sustained over a long period. It is more constructive to express your tiredness not as an accusation towards your guest but as a need relating to the household routine.
Our guest never talks about what they went through. Should I ask?
It is enough to leave the door ajar without pushing, for example by saying "I'm here if you want to talk". Some people cannot put their pain into words for a long time, and this too is a way of coping. If the silence continues for months and affects daily functioning, you could suggest seeking support from a professional.
How can I raise the question of how long they will stay?
It is important to raise this not as an ultimatum but as a conversation about planning together. Asking supportive questions about the guest's housing options, applications and plans brings up the question of duration naturally. Having the conversation at a calm moment and in private reduces the chance of either side becoming defensive.
I'm the one staying as a guest, and I feel like a burden. What can I do?
This feeling is very common and a natural part of the loss you have experienced. Contributing to the household as far as you are able, expressing your needs clearly but kindly, and telling your host now and then that you are grateful can ease this feeling. If embarrassment is pushing you to withdraw completely, talking about it with someone you trust or with a professional will be helpful.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
Eğitimler
