Praising Your Child: How to Praise Well and Why Noticing Effort Matters

How does praising your child affect self-confidence? Find effort-focused praise phrases, examples by age and the most common mistakes parents make.

"Well done, you're so clever!", "What a wonderful picture!", "You're a genius!" We usually say these sentences to our children lovingly, to encourage them. Praising your child is one of the most natural things in parenting, and of course it matters that a child feels appreciated. But the form that praise takes deeply affects what a child learns about themselves. Some praise encourages a child, while some, without our realising, can steer them towards avoiding difficulty or constantly seeking approval. In this article we look at what good praise is, why noticing effort rather than results matters, and concrete phrases you can use in daily life, by age.

Why Does Praising Your Child Matter So Much?

Children come to know themselves largely through the eyes of the important adults around them. What a parent says gradually becomes the child's inner voice. A child who often hears "You're so hardworking" may be more inclined, when things get hard, to think "If I work at it, I can do it". A child who hears "You're clever already, this is easy for you" may, when struggling, conclude "So I'm not as clever as I thought".

For this reason, praise is not only a source of momentary happiness; it shapes the beliefs a child develops about success, failure and their own worth. This subject has been studied in developmental psychology for many years. Well-known findings in the field show that feedback praising fixed traits such as intelligence or talent can increase avoidance of challenge in some children, whereas feedback that notices effort, strategy and process can support them in carrying on trying. This approach is often discussed together with the concept of a "growth mindset".

Turkey also has its own praise culture. In some families, out of a worry that "the evil eye will strike" (nazar), a child is hardly ever praised; in others, the child is constantly put on stage in front of guests with remarks like "mashallah, what a clever child". On one side are children who receive no appreciation, on the other children who are expected to keep performing. Both extremes can make it harder for a child to see their own effort. The aim is not to reduce or to increase praise, but to make it more conscious and meaningful. When comparative remarks are made in front of the child at extended-family gatherings, steering the topic back to the child's effort with a calm sentence ("He's put so much work into his reading this year") both protects the child and offers the other adults a model.

Praising the Person and Praising the Process: What Is the Difference?

Person-focused praise

Person-focused praise concentrates on a fixed trait of the child: "You're so clever", "You're so talented", "You're an artist". These sentences feel nice at first. But the child may start to think that their worth depends on that trait. When their intelligence or talent is "not proven", that is, when they struggle or make a mistake, they may feel worthless.

Process-focused praise

Process-focused praise notices the child's effort, the strategy they used, their patience or their progress: "You worked on this puzzle for a long time", "You tried putting different colours together", "You're reading faster than you were last week". This kind of feedback shows the child something they can control: making an effort, trying new ways, not giving up.

Descriptive praise

One step further is descriptive praise. Here the parent, instead of making an evaluation, describes what they see: "You made the sky purple in your picture, and you drew a huge sun as well." There is no judgement such as "good" or "bad" in this sentence, but the child feels seen and watched with interest. Descriptive praise is especially effective with young children and leaves room for the child to evaluate their own work.

The aim of praise is not to tell a child how good they are, but to let them feel that we see them.

Signs of Unhelpful Praise: Do You Notice These in Your Child?

There are some signs that may show the form of praise is starting to have unwanted effects on a child:

• The child waits for approval after everything they do: "Is it nice?", "Do you like it?"
• They choose easy tasks and avoid trying things they find hard
• When they make a mistake, they experience intense shame or anger
• They lose their motivation entirely when they do not receive praise
• They show jealousy or resentment when others are praised
• They avoid effort by saying "I'm already good, I don't need to work"

These behaviours cannot be explained by praise alone; temperament, the school environment and family dynamics also play a role. Even so, reviewing your language of praise can be a good starting point for change.

Common Mistakes When Praising Your Child

Exaggerated praise

Exaggerated statements such as "The most beautiful picture in the world!" are often not found believable by children. Also, a child whose self-confidence is already fragile may become anxious, thinking they cannot live up to this expectation.

Praising everything

Praising every single thing a child does weakens the meaning of praise. The child may also become dependent on outside approval instead of inner motivation.

Comparative praise

Sentences such as "You're the best in the class" or "You've done it better than your sister" tie the child's worth to competition with others. For children growing up in Turkey with exam rankings and practice-test results, comparisons like this are already part of everyday life; it is important not to add to that burden at home.

Praise that ends in "but"

In a sentence like "That's lovely, but this bit is a bit crooked", the child usually hears only what comes after the "but". If feedback needs to be given, it is more effective to do it at a separate time and when the child asks for it.

Making the result a condition

The sentence "If you get full marks, I'll be proud of you" ties love and appreciation to success. The child may begin to think that their worth equals their grades. This can feed exam anxiety and reduce the enjoyment the child gets from learning.

How to Praise Well: Example Phrases by Age

Ages 2-5

At this age, children are very sensitive to a parent's attention and warmth. Descriptive praise is particularly useful in this period.

• "You put all the blocks on top of each other, look how high the tower has grown!"
• "You put your shoes on yourself. You fastened the Velcro too."
• "You gave your toy to your little brother, and he was so happy."
• "What's in this picture? Can you tell me about it?"

The last sentence is not really praise but an invitation. A child talking about their own creation gives them more than your approval would. If you are interested in children's drawings, our article on analysing children's drawings opens a different window on this subject.

Ages 6-9

At school age, children develop their skills and begin to compare themselves with their peers. In this period it is important to highlight effort and strategy.

• "You tried two different ways to solve this problem. The second one worked."
• "You broke the word you were struggling to read into syllables, that's a really good method."
• "You lost the match, but you kept running right to the end."
• "When you made a mistake, you rubbed it out and started again, you didn't give up."

Ages 10-13

Children approaching adolescence are more sceptical of general and exaggerated praise. Sincere, brief and specific feedback works better.

• "I noticed you made a plan to finish your project on time."
• "You stood by your friend while they were going through a hard time. That's an important thing to do."
• "You said what you thought on this subject clearly, it was good to listen to you."
• "Last term you were struggling a lot in this subject, now you seem more comfortable. What do you think has changed?"

The last question supports the child in noticing their own progress and linking their success to their own effort.

Praise in difficult moments

It is possible to notice effort even when a child has failed at something:

• "The exam didn't go the way you wanted, I know you're upset. But you've studied every evening for the past week."
• "It didn't work this time. What would you like to do differently next time?"

These sentences present failure not as an ending but as a learning opportunity.

Approaching a child who cannot accept praise

Some children reject praise when they are praised, saying "No, it's not good at all". This often shows that the child's belief about themselves conflicts with the praise. In such a situation, getting into an argument ("No, it really is lovely!") usually does not work. Instead you can move to descriptions that carry no judgement: "You were so careful when you did this part." Or you can be curious about the child's own assessment: "Which part do you think came out best?" Over time, the child can learn to see their own work and to accept appreciation more comfortably.

A four-week plan for changing your language of praise

Changing habits in a day is hard. You can spread the following steps over weeks:

1. Week one – Notice: Observe which phrases of praise you use with your child during the day. In the evening, note down a few sentences that stay in your mind. This week, do not try to change anything, just be aware.
2. Week two – Describe: At least three times a day, instead of "very good", say a sentence that describes what you see: "You've put all your toys in the basket."
3. Week three – See the effort: Catch a moment when your child is struggling and name their effort without looking at the result: "You didn't give up on this puzzle, you tried again."
4. Week four – Ask questions: Leave the evaluation to the child: "What did you like most about this?", "What would you do differently next time?"

Sharing this plan with your partner or the other adults who look after your child will help you build a consistent language at home. Don't criticise yourself when you slip; you are learning a new skill too.

Beyond praise: unconditional acceptance

Although good praise matters, what a child needs most is to know that they are loved regardless of their achievements. Some ways of showing this are:

1. Spend time together. Without expecting any achievement, play, go for a walk or chat just to be together.
2. Listen with interest. When your child is telling you about their school day, put your phone down and make eye contact.
3. Accept their feelings. When they are sad, angry or disappointed, do not belittle those feelings.
4. Say that you love them. Say "I love you" not only after an achievement but in ordinary moments too.

This attitude helps a child's sense of self-worth rest on a solid foundation. You can find the wider framework of this subject in our article on self-confidence in children.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

If the following situations continue even after you have changed your language of praise, talking to a child psychologist may be useful:

• If your child reacts excessively to making mistakes, with intense crying or tantrums at the slightest error
• If they cannot finish their homework because of perfectionism and keep rubbing things out and starting again
• If they constantly talk negatively about themselves
• If they have intense anxiety about school performance and physical complaints before exams
• If they have marked difficulties in their relationships with peers

These signs on their own do not mean a diagnosis; but they may call for a closer assessment of the child.

How Are Praise and Self-Confidence Addressed in Therapy?

When working with children, the therapist assesses the family's way of communicating together with the parents. In meetings with parents, the balance between praise and criticism, expectations and the child's temperament are considered together. Parents can be given examples to practise offering descriptive and process-focused feedback.

In child and play therapy with young children, one of the basic principles of the child-centred approach is reflecting without evaluating. Instead of saying "That's lovely", the therapist says things like "You worked so hard on that" or "You chose these colours yourself". This makes room for the child to develop their own internal system of evaluation and also provides a model for parents.

With older children, cognitive-behavioural techniques can be used to work on perfectionistic thoughts, fear of making mistakes and negative beliefs about the self.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is praising a child harmful?

No, praising a child is not harmful. What matters is the form of the praise. Sincere, concrete praise that focuses on effort supports the child, whereas exaggerated or comparative praise, or praise that focuses only on results, can have unwanted effects.

Is it wrong to say "well done"?

Saying "well done" is not wrong; it is a natural part of everyday language. However, rather than settling for "well done" alone, saying what you appreciate makes praise more meaningful: "Well done, you worked so hard to tidy your room."

Why is praising a child's intelligence not recommended?

Praising a fixed trait such as intelligence can lead the child to tie their worth to that trait. When they struggle, they may think "So I'm not clever". Praising effort and strategy, on the other hand, shows the child an area they can develop.

Is giving rewards more effective than praise?

Rewards can increase certain behaviours in the short term, but a system that constantly relies on rewards can weaken inner motivation. Genuine interest, time spent together and noticing effort often leave a more lasting effect than material rewards.

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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