Jealousy Between Sisters-in-Law: The Roots of Rivalry Between Brothers' Wives and Ways Out

Why does jealousy between sisters-in-law arise? How in-law comparisons, unequal burdens and old sibling rivalry pass to brothers' wives, and what you can do.

The morning of a religious festival, a crowded table. One sister-in-law is in the kitchen brewing tea, slicing the börek and washing up; the other is sitting in the living room with the guests. In the evening the mother-in-law says in a tired voice, "I don't know what I'd do without my elder daughter-in-law." This one sentence can sow the seed of a grievance between two women that may last for years: one feels her effort goes unseen, the other feels she is being quietly judged. In Turkish there is a specific word for women married to brothers — elti — and jealousy between sisters-in-law in this sense is the name for the comparison, rivalry and hurt between women who have married into the same family. It is rarely talked about openly, but it sets the atmosphere at family gatherings. In this article we look at what feeds the rivalry between brothers' wives, the behaviours through which jealousy shows itself, and what you can do whether you are the one who feels jealous or the one who is envied.

Jealousy Between Sisters-in-Law: The Difference Between Ordinary Comparison and Hurtful Rivalry

Elti is the word the wives of brothers use for each other. Two women become part of the same family without choosing each other; they are tied to the same mother-in-law, the same festival tables and the same expectations. It is entirely human for two people with so much in common to compare themselves with each other from time to time.

The difference between ordinary comparison and hurtful rivalry is determined by questions like these:

• Does the comparison come and go in a moment, or does it occupy your mind for days?
• When you hear about one of your sister-in-law's successes or a piece of good news, can you feel genuinely glad?
• Is the relationship between you shaped by the comments of your mother-in-law or other relatives?
• Do your conversations resemble a tally of points more than an ordinary chat?

If your answers to most of these questions make you uncomfortable, the relationship between you may have turned from a healthy closeness into a silent contest.

Jealousy is not, in itself, a shameful or bad emotion. Very often it is a sign of an unmet need, unseen effort or a fear of loss. The problem is when this feeling turns into behaviour without being noticed and poisons the relationship between the two families. You can find more about the general psychology of jealousy in the article on jealousy in relationships.

The Roots of Rivalry Between Brothers' Wives

Jealousy between sisters-in-law rarely stems from a single event. Usually several dynamics that already exist within the family system become visible through the two women.

A resource seen as limited: approval

In many families, the mother-in-law's approval, love and appreciation are perceived as a limited resource. One daughter-in-law being praised is read as the other being pushed into the background. When a mother-in-law, without realising it, defines one daughter-in-law as "more capable" and the other as "better educated", the two women become trapped in these assigned roles.

The brothers' old rivalry

The tension between sisters-in-law is sometimes really the continuation of an old rivalry between the brothers. Two brothers who have been compared since childhood, one called "the successful one" and the other "the good-for-nothing", may continue this rivalry through their wives once they marry. Whose house is bigger, whose job is better, whose child is more successful — these are the adult version of the brothers' childhood race. For the traces in adulthood of parents treating children differently, you can look at the article on parents favouring one sibling.

Elder daughter-in-law, younger daughter-in-law

In some families, the first daughter-in-law to arrive carries a certain authority and responsibility within the family. The "elder daughter-in-law" runs the festival preparations and becomes the mother-in-law's right hand. The one who arrives later either feels obliged to fit into this order or tries to make room for herself. The elder may be uncomfortable with the newcomer sharing her authority, while the younger may be uncomfortable with always being in second place.

Financial differences and living conditions

In periods when the cost of living rises, the difference between brothers' financial situations becomes more visible. One renting while the other buys a home, one going on holiday while the other struggles to make it to the end of the month, creates a direct area of comparison between sisters-in-law. And the mother-in-law giving financial help to one son raises the question on the other side: "Why isn't that done for us?"

Grandchildren and children

Grandchildren are perhaps the most sensitive area of comparison between sisters-in-law. Whose child is left with the mother-in-law more often, which grandchild is loved more, whose child does better at school? In families where the expectation of a grandson is still strong, even the sex of a child can create an invisible hierarchy between sisters-in-law.

In the same apartment block, on the same street

In Turkey it is a common arrangement for brothers to live on different floors of the family house or on the same housing estate. This closeness leads sisters-in-law to watch each other's lives day by day: whose door a parcel arrived at, whose child is left with the mother-in-law more often, who was invited to dinner — all of it is in plain view. While sisters-in-law living in different cities meet a few times a year and get on well, between those living in the same building small comparisons are generated afresh every day. Living close by does not increase the rivalry itself, but it does increase the number of observations that feed it.

An unequal burden

As in the festival morning example at the start of this article, housework and the burden of care not being shared equally is one of the most common sources of jealousy. Here jealousy and a sense of injustice often become mixed up. The sister-in-law who is always in the kitchen may not really be jealous; she may simply want her effort to be seen.

How Does Jealousy Between Sisters-in-Law Show Itself?

Jealousy between sisters-in-law is rarely expressed directly. It tends to show itself in indirect ways, through an accumulation of small behaviours:

• Comments belittling something a sister-in-law has bought, a dish she has cooked or her child's success
• Half-sentences and insinuations to the mother-in-law about the sister-in-law, conversations beginning "I'm not saying anything, but..."
• Ignoring each other's presence at family gatherings, with only obligatory small talk
• Hearing a sister-in-law's news from others and perceiving this as a slight
• Favours done for the mother-in-law and presents given to her quietly turning into a contest
• Every photo, meal or holiday shared on social media being inwardly compared

These behaviours are not always conscious. Most people do not describe themselves as jealous; they simply think "This is unfair".

When You Are the Jealous One: Understanding Your Own Feelings

Jealousy is usually an emotion people feel ashamed of. So when they notice it in themselves, they either suppress it or hide it behind something else, such as anger. Yet understanding jealousy is the first step towards managing it.

You can ask yourself these questions:

• What exactly am I jealous of in my sister-in-law? Her home, her relationship with our mother-in-law, how easy her life seems, how her husband treats her?
• Which of my needs does this touch? Being seen, being appreciated, feeling secure, being treated fairly?
• Where have I felt this before? Perhaps in a childhood in which you were compared with your own siblings, perhaps in your school years.

Let's say a woman is bothered by her sister-in-law talking on the phone with their mother-in-law for hours, and cannot admit this even to herself. When she asks herself these questions, she realises that she has never been able to build that kind of closeness with her own mother. Once the sense of lack beneath the jealousy is seen, the anger she feels towards her sister-in-law also begins to soften.

Jealousy is very often not an accusation but the language of a longing.

If you are the one who is envied, trying to understand the other person's jealousy as a reflection of her unmet needs, rather than as a personal attack, can soften your reactions. This does not mean overlooking behaviour that hurts you; but it helps you set boundaries without entering an unnecessary war.

Ways to Reduce Jealousy Between Sisters-in-Law

The rivalry between sisters-in-law is fed by many family dynamics that are not within the two women's control. Even so, there are things each of you can do on your own side.

Don't join the comparison game

When your mother-in-law or relatives compare you with your sister-in-law, it helps not to join in, either with praise or with defensiveness. Short, calm replies such as "Everyone has their own good qualities" or "I like doing things my own way" remove the ground on which the comparison would continue. Being the one who is praised is also part of this game: if a compliment comes to you through a comparison with your sister-in-law ("She's not as tidy as you"), even quietly accepting it can feed the rivalry.

Don't be a carrier of information

Every sentence you say about your sister-in-law to your mother-in-law or your spouse may reach her somehow. Not carrying tales within the family also reduces the tales carried about you.

Discuss the division of labour openly

Talking in advance about who will do what for festival preparations, the mother-in-law's care or organising family gatherings greatly reduces resentment over invisible labour. An open suggestion such as "This festival, shall I prepare the main dishes and you take on the desserts and laying the table?" is far healthier than keeping a silent ledger.

Talk to your sister-in-law directly

Rather than always handling the tension between you through your mother-in-law or your husbands, it can help to talk privately with your sister-in-law from time to time. An opening free of blame, such as "Things seem to have cooled between us lately, and I don't want that either", makes room for her to soften too.

Keep the children out of the comparison

Avoid comparing your children and their cousins with each other. Cousin relationships can be among the most valuable bonds in a family; it is important that they are not drawn into the adults' rivalry.

Strengthen your own space

If most of your life takes place within the extended family, that family also becomes the only yardstick by which you judge yourself. The more alive your work, your friends, your interests and your bond with your own family are, the less a comparison with your sister-in-law will shake you. When winning your mother-in-law's appreciation stops being your only goal, the pull of the rivalry weakens too. This does not mean distancing yourself from the family; it means not seeing who you are through the mirror of a single relationship.

The husbands' role

The brothers can recognise their own old rivalry so as not to escalate the tension between their wives. A brother being able to say "Mum always compared us; I don't want our wives to go through the same thing" can noticeably change the atmosphere between the two families. It is also important that your husband can listen to your complaints about your sister-in-law without taking sides, yet without leaving you alone.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

The following situations may indicate that support could be needed:

• Thoughts about your sister-in-law take up a large part of your day
• Jealousy or resentment has become a constant topic of argument in your relationship with your spouse
• You have started inventing excuses to avoid family gatherings
• You constantly feel inadequate, worthless or wronged
• Your sleep, appetite or general mood has been noticeably affected during this time

These signs do not on their own mean a diagnosis; but they do show that seeking support to lighten the load may be helpful.

How Is Jealousy Between Sisters-in-Law Addressed in Therapy?

In individual therapy, the needs beneath the jealousy and their connection with the person's past are explored. Using a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approach, automatic thoughts such as "My mother-in-law loves her more than me" or "Whatever I do, it's never enough" are noticed and evaluated together with the evidence. The person works on concrete changes in behaviour to break the cycle of comparison.

A schema therapy perspective helps explain why people with "defectiveness" or "failure" schemas in particular experience an ordinary comparison with a sister-in-law so intensely. When it becomes clear how sibling comparisons from childhood or experiences of conditional love are reflected in present-day relationships, the person can build her relationship with her sister-in-law from a more independent place.

A small exercise often used in therapy is to note down comparison thoughts for a week: When did they arise, what situation triggered them, what was felt at that moment and what was done afterwards? These records may show that jealousy is not random but intensifies in particular situations — for example when tired, after talking to the mother-in-law, or while spending time on social media. Once the triggers become visible, it is also easier to be prepared for them.

If the problem is also affecting the relationship with the spouse, the couple working together can be valuable in seeing how the brothers' old rivalry has been carried into the marriage.

Frequently Asked Questions

My mother-in-law openly favours my sister-in-law; what can I do?

Feeling that someone else is favoured is genuinely hurtful. First share this with your spouse and listen to his observations too. If you want to speak directly to your mother-in-law, rather than accusing her, use language that describes your own feelings: "Sometimes I feel as though I've been left in the background; I'd like to be closer to you."

My sister-in-law and I just can't get along; is it wrong to keep my distance?

It isn't wrong. Not every relationship between sisters-in-law has to be close. A respectful distance is far healthier than constant conflict. What matters is that this distance does not turn into a war waged through the mother-in-law or the children.

My sister-in-law is very jealous of me; how should I behave?

Try not to take her jealousy as a personal attack; very often it is a sign of an unmet need. But do set boundaries on hurtful behaviour too. You don't have to hide your successes or good news, but sharing them simply, without showing off, can reduce the tension.

Does rivalry between sisters-in-law pass with time?

In many families, especially during life's difficult periods such as an illness or a loss, an unexpected solidarity can arise between sisters-in-law. However, if the dynamics feeding the rivalry go undiscussed, the tension can last for years. Open communication and a fair division of labour are the most reliable ways of easing the rivalry.

• #sisters-in-law
• #jealousy
• #extended family
• #mother-in-law

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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