Losing a Child: For Mothers and Fathers Who Have Lost a Child

How do you carry the pain of losing a child? Read about parental grief, the different reactions of partners, the needs of siblings and ways to find support.

It is no accident that Turkish has a special name for this pain: "evlat acısı", the pain of a child's loss. We call someone who loses their spouse a widow, and someone who loses their parents an orphan; yet there is not a single word to describe a mother or father who loses their child. Perhaps because this loss is too heavy to be named. Losing a child is a grief that reverses the natural order of life, in which parents lose not only their child but also the whole future they imagined with them. Whether your child died before birth, as a baby or at thirty, the weight of this pain cannot be measured by their age. This article is for mothers and fathers living with this pain and for the loved ones who want to stand beside them. I will try to describe not ways to "get over" the pain, but possible ways of being able to breathe alongside it.

Why Is Losing a Child Different From Other Losses?

We know that our parents will die before us and that one day we will lose them; this knowledge does not reduce the pain, but it helps us make sense of the loss. With the death of a child, there is no such framework. The parents have lost someone they saw as the continuation of their own life, someone they were ready to do anything to protect.

There are several reasons that make this loss particularly heavy:

• The natural order being broken: The feeling "It should have been me, not them" makes the loss incomprehensible.
• The protective role collapsing: Parenthood is built on protecting the child. A child's death, however blameless you are, can create the feeling that you have "failed" in this role.
• The loss of the future: Graduation, a wedding, grandchildren, growing old together... What is lost is not only today but all the imagined tomorrows.
• Identity being shaken: Questions such as "Am I still a mother?" or, for someone who has lost their only child, "Whose father am I now?" create a deep shaking of identity.

A child's age does not determine the weight of the pain

Pregnancy loss and losses at birth are often belittled by those around. Words such as "You were only just pregnant" or "It will happen again anyway" make the parents' grief invisible. Yet for the parents, that child meant a name, a room and a future from the very first ultrasound image. I have discussed losses of this kind separately in the article on pregnancy loss.

Older parents who lose an adult child, meanwhile, experience a different kind of loneliness. Society generally focuses on the spouse and children of the person who has died; an eighty-year-old mother losing her fifty-year-old son may not be seen enough. For them, the loss means losing both their child and the person they expected to look after them in their old age.

In the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many mothers and fathers lost more than one child on the same night; some could not reach their children's bodies for a long time. The pain of losing a child within a collective disaster is seen as part of a shared grief, yet within that crowd the parents may find no place to tell of their own particular pain. For parents who lost their home, their neighbourhood and their child all at once, every layer of grief needs separate attention.

What Mothers and Fathers Who Lose a Child Go Through

The first period after losing a child passes, for most parents, in a fog they later say they "don't remember". This is a natural way the mind uses to protect itself from overload.

Common reactions over time include:

• Intense longing and searching: Hearing the child's voice, looking at the door at the time the school bus used to arrive, being shaken at the sight of children of their age in the street.
• Guilt: "I should have taken them to the doctor sooner", "If only I hadn't let them go that day", "Why didn't I notice?" These thoughts come insistently even if you were in reality not at fault at all.
• Anger: Anger that rises towards the doctors, the person who caused the accident, God, your spouse, even your living children, and that then creates guilt.
• Loss of meaning: The feeling that getting up in the morning, working or cooking no longer has any meaning at all.
• Physical collapse: Sleeplessness, loss of appetite, chest pain, falling ill often.
• Complicated feelings towards other children: Swinging between being glad for your friends' children when you see them and envying their happiness.

Let's say you lost your twenty-two-year-old son in a motorcycle accident. Months later you still look at his chair at dinner, and every time your phone rings your heart races for a moment with the thought "Maybe it's him". These experiences are part of your mind's effort to bring the loss slowly together with reality. They do not mean that you are losing your mind or that you are "stuck".

How Does Losing a Child Affect a Marriage?

Partners who lose a child often grieve in very different ways even though they have experienced the same loss. This difference can put distance between them at the very moment they need each other most.

One partner may want to talk about the child constantly, look at their photographs and visit the grave often, while the other avoids these things, throws themselves into work and comes home late. One gets angry, saying "Don't you feel anything at all?", while the other becomes defensive: "I'm devastated too, but I can't live like this." Social expectations deepen this difference too: fathers "staying strong" and mothers "falling apart" are seen as more ordinary.

Couples face other difficulties during this period as well:

• Blame: Words such as "You let them go" or "You didn't notice" arise from a tendency to look for the source of the pain in each other and can leave deep wounds.
• Changes in closeness: Laughing, spending time together, even touching each other can feel like a betrayal for a while.
• The question of another child: One partner may want to have a child again while the other cannot even think about it; this subject should be discussed carefully and without haste.

It is very important not to read these differences as "one of us loves them less". Everyone carries their pain in the way they are able to. Couples therapy can be a support option for having these conversations between partners in a safe setting.

The Siblings Left Behind: An Unseen Grief

If there are other children in the family, they too grieve for their sibling and may also feel that they have, in a sense, "lost" their parents. Grieving parents may not be able to respond adequately to their needs for a while.

Siblings may show the following reactions:

• Hiding their feelings so as not to upset their parents further, trying to be the "problem-free child",
• A drop in school performance, outbursts of anger or withdrawal,
• Feeling as though they must fill the place of the sibling who died,
• Thoughts such as "If only I had died, Mum wouldn't be so sad."

As parents, you are not expected to be perfect during this period. Still, a time set aside for them every day, however short, the message "I love you very much too, and you have the right to be sad too", and continuing to mention the name of the sibling who died at home make a great difference. Asking for support from a relative, an aunt or a teacher you trust in the places you cannot reach is also entirely appropriate.

Learning to Live With the Loss of a Child: What Can Help?

For many parents, this pain "passing" is neither possible nor something they want. What changes over time is that the pain takes up more space within life; the pain may not shrink, but life grows around it.

Respect your own pace

You may come under pressure from those around you, such as "You need to pull yourself together now". Losing a child has no set timetable. You can decide when you feel ready to go back to work, receive guests or join social settings.

Make room for their memory

Keeping your child's photographs, drawings, voice or favourite belongings, setting up a scholarship fund in their name, or planting a tree in a place they loved are meaningful ways of continuing the bond. There is no rule about when and how you should rearrange their room; there is no need to hurry.

Use religious and cultural comfort in your own measure

Words such as "It was God's will" or "They will be waiting in heaven" give comfort to some parents while making others feel anger or loneliness. If your faith gives you strength, leaning on it is valuable. But if you are questioning your faith, this too may be a natural part of grief.

Connect with parents who have had a similar loss

Talking with other parents who have lost a child often provides the deepest sense of being understood. If there is such a person around you, reaching out to them or making use of grief support groups can reduce your loneliness.

Tell those around you how to support you

Many loved ones stay silent or pull away because they do not know what to say. Clear statements such as "I want you to mention their name" or "Bringing food really helps, but I don't want visitors for now" allow them to genuinely help you. You can find information that may also guide your loved ones in the article on supporting someone who is grieving.

Get support with legal and official processes

In losses involving an accident, an allegation of medical error or a judicial process, court proceedings and investigations can prolong grief and reopen the wound at every hearing. A lawyer you trust and family members sharing the burden in these processes leaves a little room for your grief as well.

A child's absence is as real as their presence was; being a parent continues even while carrying that absence.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Not every parent who loses a child needs professional support; however, given the weight of this loss, seeking support is often helpful. You may consider seeing a professional particularly in the following situations:

• If, despite a long time having passed, you are having great difficulty meeting your basic needs, continuing your work or looking after your other children,
• If guilt or anger fills every one of your days,
• If your relationship with your spouse has entered a cycle of blame and distance,
• If you are trying to suppress your pain with alcohol, medication or other substances,
• If you are having marked difficulty accepting the reality of the loss,
• If you are thinking about dying to be reunited with your child or having thoughts of harming yourself.

If the last point applies to you, please do not carry this alone. In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department; it is also very important to open up about these thoughts to your spouse or a loved one you trust. If sleeplessness and low mood have become severe, an assessment by a psychiatrist can be an important part of the process.

How Is Losing a Child Addressed in Therapy?

Therapy aims not to remove your pain but to help you go on living while carrying it. Nothing you go through as a parent is too much, exaggerated or wrong here.

In therapy, work generally focuses on the following areas:

• Being able to tell the story of the loss: Sharing your child's life, their final days and how the loss happened, at your own pace.
• Working with guilt: Re-evaluating the "if onlys" going round in your mind in the light of the real circumstances and knowledge you had at the time.
• Continuing the bond: Keeping your bond with your child alive in a new form through remembrance, rituals and values.
• Supporting relationships within the family: Understanding your and your spouse's different ways of grieving, and being able to make room again for the needs of your remaining children.
• Working with traumatic elements: If images of how the loss happened have become stuck in the mind, working with them in a safe way.

Sometimes only one partner comes to therapy, and sometimes both partners come together; both paths are possible and may change over the course of the process. Cognitive behavioural therapy is one of the approaches used in this process. When working with children whose sibling has died, age-appropriate methods such as play and drawing are used.

Frequently Asked Questions

My spouse and I are grieving very differently; does this mean our relationship is over?

No. It is very common for partners to experience the same loss in different ways, and it does not show that love has diminished. What matters is being able to talk about these differences without turning them into accusations against each other. If you have entered a cycle that makes this difficult, seeking support together can help.

I can't give my other children enough attention; am I harming them?

It is understandable for a grieving parent to be less available for a while. Short but regular times together, allowing them to talk about their feelings and asking trusted loved ones for support when needed protect your children. Instead of blaming yourself, saying to them "I'm sad too, but I love you very much" carries great meaning for them.

What should I say to a loved one who has lost a child?

Rather than trying to find the right sentence, showing that you are there for them is often more meaningful. Saying "I don't know what to say, but I'm here", not hesitating to mention the child's name and continuing to call months later are valuable. Words such as "You're still young, you'll have another child" or "It must have been meant to be" should be avoided.

Will I ever be able to laugh again?

Many parents believe in the first period after the loss that this will never be possible. Over time, they notice that small joys come back into life even while the longing continues. Laughing does not mean you have forgotten your child; it is a sign that you are going on living while carrying them in your heart.

• #losing a child
• #child loss
• #parental grief
• #marriage after loss

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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