Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving: What to Say and What Not to Say

Want to support someone who is grieving but don't know what to say? Here are words of comfort, phrases to avoid and practical ways to help over time.

You have just heard that your closest friend has lost her brother. You pick up the phone, then put it down again. "What will I say? What if I say the wrong thing? Maybe I shouldn't disturb her right now." When you go to offer condolences, you wait outside the door for a while, and once inside all you can manage is "I'm so sorry for your loss." Many people find themselves in a similar helplessness when someone they love is grieving. The wish to be supporting someone who is grieving comes from a very valuable place; however, finding the right words, and knowing when to be there and when to give them space, is not easy. In this article I will look at how you can support someone who is grieving, which words help, which ones can hurt even when well meant, and how you can keep this support going over weeks and months.

Why Does Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving Feel So Hard?

Feeling helpless in the face of loss is very human. You know you cannot take away the grieving person's pain, and this can create the feeling that doing anything is pointless. Yet the grieving person usually does not expect their pain to be taken away, but rather not to be left alone with it.

Some of the factors that make supporting someone harder are these:

• Fear of saying the wrong thing: This fear leads many people not to call at all, or to keep their distance. Yet silence is often perceived by the grieving person as indifference.
• Our own fear of death: Someone else's loss stirs up the fear of losing our own loved ones. This can create a wish to stay away from the subject.
• The wish to "fix" the pain: It is hard to see someone we love in pain; so we tend to rush to comforting phrases, change the subject or suggest solutions.
• Not knowing how long to offer support: Being there during the funeral and condolence days comes naturally; but weeks later, what to do becomes unclear.

For someone who is grieving, what really helps is often not the right sentence but a person who is truly there.

What Should You Say to Someone Who Is Grieving?

There is no magic sentence to say to someone who is grieving. However, some expressions make the person feel seen and not alone:

• "I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, but I'm here."
• "I know how much you loved him. This loss is so heavy."
• "You can feel however you feel; you don't have to look strong around me."
• "Would you like to tell me a memory of her?"
• "I'll never forget your dad's laugh."
• "I'd like to bring you some food at the weekend; which day suits you?"

Mentioning the name of the person who has died is very valuable. Many people are afraid to say their name; yet the grieving person often wants their loved one not to be forgotten and to be talked about. Sharing a good memory of them can be one of the most precious gifts you can give to someone who is grieving.

Sometimes saying nothing at all is also a form of support. Sitting beside them, holding their hand, quietly making a cup of tea is a way of saying "I'm here" without the need for words.

Today a large share of condolences are sent by message or through social media. A short message is far better than not reaching out at all; however, simply sharing a ready-made condolence image or writing a stock phrase in a group chat may not be enough for a close friend. Writing a few personal sentences, asking "I'd love to hear your voice; can I call when it suits you?" and telling them not to feel they have to reply shows closeness without putting pressure on them. It is also very usual for a grieving person not to be able to reply to messages straight away.

What Should You Not Say to Someone Who Is Grieving?

The following phrases are usually said with good intentions; however, they can make a grieving person feel alone, lead them to suppress their feelings or diminish their pain:

• "It's God's will, don't rebel." Even for a person of faith, in the first days of grief this phrase can feel as though their feelings are being judged.
• "At least he didn't suffer much" / "At least she'd had a long life." Sentences beginning with "at least" diminish the loss.
• "You must be strong; pull yourself together for your children." This sends the message that the person should not show their feelings.
• "I know exactly how you feel." Even if you have experienced a similar loss, every grief is unique.
• "Time heals everything." In the first days of grief, this phrase can create the feeling that the pain is not being seen.
• "You're still young; you'll marry again / you'll have another child." This gives the impression that the person who has died can be replaced, and it can wound deeply.
• "Are you still crying? You need to pull yourself together now." Putting a time limit on grief increases the person's loneliness.

If you have said one of these things, do not blame yourself. Most of us learned these patterns by hearing them around us. When you notice, saying "What I said the other day may have upset you; I just didn't know what to say" is enough to repair the relationship.

Practical Ways of Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving

Telling a grieving person "Call me if you need anything" is well meant; however, someone who has suffered a loss often does not know what they want, or hesitates to ask for help. Concrete, specific offers work much better.

Take on everyday tasks

Bringing food, doing the shopping, taking the children to school or looking after a pet lightens a great load in the first weeks of grief. Saying "I'm bringing dinner on Thursday evening" is much easier to accept than "Tell me if you need anything."

Help with official paperwork

After a loss, tiring bureaucratic tasks come up, such as inheritance procedures, bank accounts, cancelling subscriptions, and insurance and pension applications. Booking appointments, organising documents or accompanying the person for these tasks helps the grieving person conserve their energy.

Listen, don't correct

A grieving person may tell the same story many times: the hospital days, the last conversation, the moment of death. This repetition is part of the process of making sense of the loss. Listening patiently and being there without commenting or offering solutions is very valuable.

Make room for their feelings

Anger, guilt, relief, numbness... A grieving person may experience unexpected feelings. Saying "It's very understandable that you feel this" helps them express their feelings without judging themselves.

Think of their children too

If the grieving person has children, giving them attention as well is valuable. A parent struggling with their own pain may find it hard to meet their children's needs. Taking the child to the park, helping with homework or simply playing with them gives both the child and the parent room to breathe. Take care to answer the child's questions about the person who has died without brushing them off, but without contradicting the parent's explanations.

Take part in rituals

Being there on days of remembrance, such as condolence visits, the mevlit (prayers recited in memory of the deceased), and the fortieth and fifty-second days, shows the person that they are not alone. If you cannot attend, a short message letting them know you remembered the day is also meaningful.

Support from a distance too

If you live abroad or in another city, regular phone and video calls, a note sent by post or small gestures such as ordering a meal from a local restaurant for them can create a sense of closeness despite the distance.

Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving Doesn't End With the Funeral

In the first days after a loss, the house is crowded; neighbours, relatives and friends pour in. But a few weeks later everyone returns to their own lives, and it is often at exactly this point that the grieving person enters their loneliest period. I have discussed what happens after the crowd has gone separately in the article on the first days after the funeral.

For long-term support:

• Note the first month, the third month and the anniversary of the loss in your calendar, and send a short message on those days.
• Be there for them on religious holidays, birthdays and special days such as the birthday of the person who has died.
• Call now and then for no particular reason: "You came to mind; how are you?"
• Keep inviting them to social activities; even if they cannot come, being invited is valuable.
• Help them adjust to their changed life; for example, for someone who has lost their spouse, supporting them with tasks their spouse used to do.

Supporting Someone Through Different Kinds of Loss

Every loss is different, and some losses call for extra sensitivity:

• The loss of a child: A parent losing their child goes against the natural course of life and is perhaps one of the heaviest losses. Rather than comforting phrases, quiet closeness and being open to mentioning the child's name are what matter.
• Pregnancy loss: Those around often do not sufficiently recognise this loss. Saying "I'm so sorry you lost your baby" instead of "It'll happen again" affirms the reality of the loss.
• Loss to suicide: Loved ones may struggle with intense guilt, shame and "why" questions. It is important to avoid questions driven by curiosity or judgement, and to leave no room for gossip.
• Sudden and traumatic losses: With losses such as earthquakes and accidents, the person may also experience traumatic reactions; sleeplessness, fear and being constantly on guard may be seen.
• The loss of a pet: This is a real grief that should not be belittled; phrases such as "It was only a cat" should be avoided.

If a colleague at work is grieving, a balanced approach is to show them, in their first days back, with a short and sincere sentence that you know about their loss, and afterwards to keep up an ordinary relationship without constantly drawing them back to the subject. Difficulty concentrating and forgetfulness are ordinary parts of grief; offering to share the workload in the first weeks makes things much easier.

When Should Professional Support Be Suggested?

While supporting someone who is grieving, in some situations it may be necessary to gently suggest that they seek professional help:

• If, even after months, they cannot manage their daily tasks and struggle to get out of bed,
• If they are isolating themselves completely from people,
• If they voice intense hopelessness, worthlessness and guilt,
• If their use of alcohol or other substances has increased,
• If they say things such as "I want to go and be with him too" or "There's no point in living any more."

Take it seriously when you hear words like those in the last point. Asking them directly, "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" does not trigger this thought; on the contrary, it opens the door to a conversation. If there is immediate danger, do not leave them alone and call 112 (emergency services). You can also find out how to communicate with someone showing signs of depression in the article on how to help someone with depression.

When suggesting professional support, using compassionate wording such as "You don't have to carry such a heavy load alone; talking to a professional might help you" is more helpful than language such as "Are you ill? Go and see a doctor." If the disruption in mood is marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist.

How Are Grief and the Support Network Approached in Therapy?

In therapy, the grieving person's relationship with those around them has an important place. Which kinds of support the person draws on, which words have hurt them and how they can voice their needs are discussed together. Sometimes a grieving person sees asking for help as being a burden; these thoughts can be examined using the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach.

Sometimes, too, the person who comes to therapy is someone who is stretching their own limits while trying to support a grieving loved one: an adult child caring for a father who has lost his wife, or a partner carrying the whole load of the household alongside their spouse's grief. Those who give support also need support. Recognising your own tiredness, setting boundaries and making room for your own feelings are necessary if support is to be sustained over the long term.

Where grief has turned into depression or mood has stayed low for a long time, you can find out about work in the area of depression and mood.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I say when I go to offer condolences?

A short and sincere expression is enough: "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "It was a privilege to know him." You do not need to give long explanations or find comforting phrases. Sometimes your being there and listening is more meaningful than anything you could say.

My grieving friend doesn't want to talk at all. What should I do?

Everyone grieves differently; some people prefer silence to talking in the early period. Keep being there without pushing them, and let them feel you are thinking of them through short messages. Leaving the door open makes it easier for them to come to you when they are ready.

Will talking about the person who has died upset them?

More often than not, the opposite is true. Grieving people want the names of their loved ones to be spoken and not forgotten. Their eyes may fill with tears, but this does not mean you have upset them; it means they feel their memories are valued.

I've become very tired while supporting someone who is grieving. Is this normal?

Yes, accompanying someone else's pain for a long time is emotionally tiring. Paying attention to your own need for rest, sharing the support with other loved ones and, if necessary, getting support yourself protects both you and the grieving person.

• #grief
• #condolences
• #support
• #loss
• #communication

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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