Why is grief after suicide so heavy? Read about coping with the guilt, anger, shame and why questions that those left behind face, and about finding support.
A phone call, a doorbell or a message... The moment you learn that someone you love has ended their own life can split your life in two: "before" and "after". People who receive this news often cannot find words to describe what they went through: disbelief, freezing, collapsing to the floor, and then the endless "why" questions. Grief after suicide is one of the most complex and lonely forms of grief. Guilt, anger, shame and society's judgemental gaze are added to the pain of the loss. Those left behind have to cope both with the absence of their loved one and with the way that absence came about. In this article I will look at the feelings commonly experienced by people who have lost a loved one to suicide, why this grief can differ from other losses, how to talk with children about it and ways of finding support.
If, while reading this article, you too are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not stay alone; call 112 (emergency services) immediately or go to the nearest emergency department.
Why Is Grief After Suicide Different?
Every loss hurts; however, this grief has certain features of its own. Knowing these differences can help you see how understandable your experiences are.
- Its suddenness and unexpectedness: There is often no chance to say goodbye. The loss comes at an unprepared moment and causes deep shock.
- The "why" question remaining unanswered: Those left behind try to understand why the person made such a decision and often cannot find a satisfying answer.
- Intense guilt: Thoughts such as "I should have noticed", "I should have called her that day" or "Was it because of what I said?" constantly occupy the mind.
- Feeling rejected, and anger: Feeling angry with the person for leaving, for not seeing your love as enough, and then feeling guilty about that anger.
- Shame and stigma: Society's judgemental attitude on this subject makes it hard for a person to talk openly about their loss.
- Traumatic traces: Loved ones who found the person or were at the scene in particular may have to cope with images of that moment for a long time.
The way the life of someone you love ended does not erase who they were or the love you feel for them.
Feelings Commonly Experienced in Grief After Suicide
The question "Why?"
This question lies at the centre of the grief that follows. Those left behind replay the last conversations, the last messages and the last weeks again and again in their minds; they look for a clue, an explanation. This search is a natural part of the effort to make sense of the loss. However, suicide is often too complex an event to be tied to a single cause. The psychological pain a person was going through may often have been hidden even from those closest to them. Over time, many people find a way to go on living even without finding a full answer to this question.
Guilt
Sentences beginning with "If only..." are among the heaviest burdens of grief after losses like these. Those left behind may blame themselves for not noticing the signs, for not being there enough or for things they said during an argument. Yet judging the past by what you know today means holding yourself responsible for things you did not know on that day. Suicide is not an event that one single person could have prevented or that one single person could have caused. I have discussed guilt in grief in more detail in the article on guilt in grief.
Anger
Being angry with the person who has died, asking "How could you do this to us?" or "Why didn't you ask for help?", is very common. Anger is sometimes directed at the hospital, the school or the workplace, and sometimes at one another within the family. This feeling is an expression of love and of the upheaval that has been experienced; rather than suppressing it, it is important to voice it in a safe space.
Shame and the wish to hide
Some families want to hide the cause of the loss from those around them. Explanations such as "He had a heart attack" or "There was an accident" may be given. This often stems from fear of being judged and from a wish to protect the person who has died. However, carrying a secret can make grief even more lonely and heavy. Whom you tell, and how much, is entirely your decision; but being able to share the truth with at least a few people you trust can lighten the load.
Relief
After someone who has suffered severe psychological distress for a long time, those left behind may also feel a kind of relief as years of anxiety and being on guard come to an end. This feeling often comes with great guilt. Yet this relief is a reflection not of a lack of love, but of the end of an exhaustion and fear that had been carried for a long time.
Grief After Suicide in Turkey: Silence and Judgement
In our culture, suicide is still a subject largely met with silence and judgement. Questions whispered in the house of mourning, and curious or accusing remarks such as "How did it happen?", "Why did he do it?" or "Didn't the family notice?", can deeply wound those left behind. Rumours circulating in the neighbourhood, at work or at school can lead the family to isolate itself.
Some families suffer a separate pain because of religious and social interpretations. Remarks about the state of the person who has died in the afterlife can be unbearable for those who are grieving. Faith can offer comfort to a grieving person; however, judgemental interpretations can cause fear and shame to take the place of that comfort. Some people find it helpful to talk about this with a compassionate religious official they trust.
Chains of blame can also form within the extended family: parents blaming each other, siblings blaming a spouse, relatives blaming the family. These accusations can drive apart family members who are already in deep grief. Moving away from the question of "who is to blame" within the family, and remembering that everyone is grieving the same loss, is the first step towards being able to support one another.
Talking With Children About Grief After Suicide
Parents often face a great dilemma about how to explain the cause of the loss to their children. They may want to hide the truth to protect the child. However, children notice the silence, the whispers and the half-finished sentences in the house. Learning the truth years later from someone else, or during an argument, can be a separate shock for a child.
When talking with children, the following can guide you:
- Be honest in a way suited to their age: A young child could be given an explanation such as "Your dad was very ill; there was an illness in his brain, and that illness caused him to die." With older children and teenagers, it may be necessary to talk more openly. Avoid going into details, especially information about how the death happened.
- Emphasise that it is not their fault: Children often think the loss happened because of their own behaviour. Saying "This didn't happen because of you; nothing you could have done would have changed it" is very important.
- Make room for their questions: A child may ask the same questions many times. Answering patiently and consistently gives them a sense of security.
- Accept their feelings: Sadness, anger, fear or feeling nothing at all; all of these are usual reactions.
- Inform the school: Getting in touch with the teacher and the school's guidance service ensures the child is also supported at school.
Having these conversations is also very challenging for a parent. Trying to answer your child's questions in the middle of your own grief is a heavy burden; remember that you do not have to say everything in a single conversation. Getting support from a child and adolescent specialist can help you think about what to say and how to say it.
What Can You Do to Cope With Grief After Suicide?
This grief has no timetable and no "right way". However, some steps can make the process a little more bearable.
Give yourself time
In the first months it is very usual to swing between shock, numbness and intense feelings. Instead of expecting yourself to "pull yourself together", allow yourself to live each day as it is.
You decide what you tell whom
You do not have to answer everyone's questions. Saying "I don't want to talk about this right now" is entirely your right. Sharing what is inside you with a few people you trust, on the other hand, can lighten your load.
Remember the person who has died as a whole
Do not let their life be defined only by its final moment. Remembering and talking about their laugh, the things they loved and what they brought to your life is an important way of continuing your bond.
Connect with people who have experienced a similar loss
Talking to other people who have lost a loved one to suicide can give you the feeling that "I'm not the only one going through this." Some people describe this connection as a great support in the loneliest moments of grief.
Prepare for anniversaries and special days
The date of the loss, birthdays and religious holidays can bring intense feelings back to life. Thinking in advance about how you want to spend these days and asking your loved ones for support helps.
Look after your body and your sleep
After a traumatic loss, sleep is often disrupted, appetite decreases and the body may stay constantly tense. Regular meals, short walks and rest help your body carry this load. Trying to suppress the pain with alcohol and substances, on the other hand, increases the burden in the long run.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Losing a loved one to suicide is, for many people, an experience heavy enough to call for professional support. You do not need to wait for the signs to get worse before seeking support. It is especially important to talk to a professional in the following situations:
- If images of the moment of the loss, nightmares or being constantly on guard will not leave you alone,
- If guilt markedly restricts your daily life,
- If your sleep, appetite and energy levels have been disrupted for a long time,
- If you have isolated yourself completely from people,
- If your use of alcohol or substances has increased,
- If you, too, are having thoughts of ending your life.
Research shows that people who have lost a loved one to suicide may also experience serious psychological difficulties and may need support. That is why it is very important to take your own feelings seriously. If you or someone in your family is having thoughts of ending their life, please do not carry this alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department. For more information on this subject, you can take a look at the article on suicidal thoughts.
If sleep problems, intense anxiety or symptoms of depression are marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist.
How Is Grief After Suicide Approached in Therapy?
In therapy, grief after suicide is approached in a non-judgemental, safe setting that respects the person's own pace. In the early period, the focus is often on the person's safety, daily routine and sources of support. Then work is done on the story of the loss, the "why" questions and feelings such as guilt, anger and shame.
In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "If I had noticed, he would still be alive" or "I left her alone" are examined, taking into account what was actually known at the time and what could not have been known. This work is done not to deny responsibility, but so that the person can recognise the unrealistic burden they have placed on themselves. If traumatic reactions are marked, work on these reactions also becomes part of the process.
In therapy, attention is also given to the continuing bond with the person who has died, words left unsaid and the pain of not having said goodbye. Methods such as letter writing can be a way of voicing what could not be said. Where there is mutual blame or a breakdown in communication within the family, sessions held together with family members can also be helpful. You can find out about grief work with adults on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
I can't forgive myself for not noticing the signs. What can I do?
This is one of the feelings most often experienced by people who have lost a loved one to suicide. However, psychological pain is often hidden even from those closest, and many things that look like "signs" afterwards seemed ordinary at the time. Talking about this guilt with a professional can help you look at yourself more fairly.
Do I have to tell people the cause of death?
No. Whom you tell, when and how much is entirely your decision. Saying "I don't want to talk about this" in response to curious questions is enough. However, being able to share the truth with at least a few people you trust helps you not to carry your grief alone.
Does being angry with the person who has died mean I didn't love them?
No. Anger is a very common and understandable part of this grief. This feeling is a reflection of the upheaval the loss has caused and of how much you loved them. Expressing your anger in a safe space makes room, over time, for the other feelings of grief as well.
How long does grief after suicide last?
This grief has no set duration and can often follow a longer and more up-and-down course than other losses. Over time, many people find a way to fit the loss into their lives and to remember the person they loved beyond the pain. Getting support during this process means you do not have to walk the path alone.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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