Is it normal for pain to return as the anniversary of a death approaches? Read about anniversary reactions, remembrance traditions and ways to carry the day.
Imagine waking up one morning feeling restless without knowing why, being irritable and tired all day, and then, in the evening, looking at the calendar and noticing the date: exactly one year has passed since the day your mother was taken into hospital. Even if your mind did not remember the date, it is as though your body did. The anniversary of a death is an important threshold that measures the time that has passed since the loss, and it is also a time when pain can come alive again. Many people are surprised: "Months have gone by, I had pulled myself together, so why do I feel like this again?" In this article I will look at the reactions experienced on the anniversary of a death, why these reactions arise, remembrance traditions in Turkey and how you can get through these days while taking care of yourself.
Why Does the Anniversary of a Death Bring the Pain Back?
Grief does not progress in a straight line; it comes and goes in waves. Some days are times when the wave rises again, and the anniversary of a death is foremost among them. Experts call this intensification, which appears on or before the anniversary of the loss, an "anniversary reaction".
There are several reasons for this reaction:
- What the calendar brings back: As the date approaches, the mind may begin to relive the days of a year earlier step by step: the day of the diagnosis, the hospital admission, the last conversation, the moment the phone rang.
- Sensory cues: The season, the weather, the light, particular smells or sounds can awaken memories of that period even if you are not consciously aware of it. Even the weather turning cold in the season of the loss, or the smell of linden tea, can stir feelings.
- Noticing that time has passed: The thought "It's been a year and they're still gone" is a renewed reminder of how permanent the loss is.
- The expectation that "it should be over by now": The "recovery" that a person expects of themselves, or that those around them expect, can clash with their real feelings.
Your body may remember before the calendar does; this is a sign that your grief is walking alongside you, not behind your back.
If you would like to know more about the overall course of grief and the reactions considered normal, you can also read the article on the grief process.
What Are the Signs of an Anniversary Reaction?
The approach of the date can sometimes lead to a series of emotional and physical reactions without the person being aware of it:
- Restlessness and tension that begin days or even weeks before the anniversary,
- An increased urge to cry or, on the contrary, an emotional flatness,
- Memories of the days of the loss coming to mind involuntarily,
- Disrupted sleep, and seeing the person who has died more often in dreams,
- Headaches, stomach complaints, weakness and feeling as though your immunity has dropped,
- Difficulty concentrating and lower productivity at work or school,
- Irritability and impatience,
- Wanting to be alone, or being afraid of being alone.
These reactions are usually temporary and ease gradually once the anniversary has passed. What matters is knowing that they do not mean "going backwards" or "never having recovered at all". The anniversary reaction is an ordinary part of grief.
Why is the first anniversary especially challenging?
The first anniversary of a death is the moment a one-year cycle is completed. By then, the person has lived through every season, every holiday and every birthday once without the person who died. On the one hand this shows that life goes on; on the other it can bring the feeling that "The first year is over, and now a life without them really begins." Some people have put off the pain by keeping constantly busy throughout the first year; the anniversary can be the time when these postponed feelings come to the surface.
"This time last year" thoughts
In the weeks leading up to the anniversary, many people find themselves in a kind of countdown: "This time last year we had tea together", "This time last year the doctor gave us that news", "At this hour last year I was waiting outside intensive care." This mental calendar can make a person relive the last days step by step. These memories are often accompanied by "if onlys": "If only I hadn't gone to work that week", "If only I had hugged him one last time." The intensification of these thoughts shows that the person is still trying to make sense of the loss. Noticing them rather than fighting them, and if necessary passing them on to a loved one or to a notebook, can help the mind put down some of this load.
The Anniversary of a Death and Remembrance Traditions in Turkey
In our culture, remembering the dead is a process spread over particular days. Remembrances such as the seventh day, the fortieth day and the fifty-second day cover the first weeks and months. The first-year remembrance that follows is also marked in many families with rituals such as a mevlit (a poem recited in memory of the deceased), a hatim (a complete recitation of the Qur'an), having the Qur'an read, or handing out helva or lokma (traditional sweets offered in memory of the dead). Some families do a charitable deed on this day, or make a donation to a school or to someone in need.
These rituals serve important functions in grief:
- They let the bereaved person feel that they are not alone,
- They make room for the name of the person who has died to be spoken and remembered,
- They bring the family and the community together,
- They offer a time and a place, with clear boundaries, in which feelings can be expressed.
However, rituals do not carry the same meaning for everyone. Some people find the preparation for the mevlit, hosting guests and the pressure for "everything to be perfect" exhausting. There are many people who feel that, while trying to get the food ready and receive guests, there is no room left for their own grief. The high cost of living can also increase the financial burden of these remembrances. In that case, choosing a simpler remembrance is not disrespectful to the person who has died.
The anniversaries of collective losses hold a separate place. As with the anniversary of the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, individual pain becomes intertwined with public remembrance. Images in the media, memorial ceremonies and social media posts can be both a space for sharing and an intense trigger for people who lost loved ones in the earthquakes. During these periods, limiting how much news and social media you follow can be one way of protecting yourself.
How Can You Prepare for the Anniversary of a Death?
It is not possible to know in advance how the anniversary will go; however, being prepared for the day can lighten the load a little.
Acknowledge that the date is approaching
Rather than hoping that "maybe it will pass without me noticing", remind yourself that the anniversary is approaching and that you may be more sensitive during this period. Your feelings may rise earlier or later than expected; this is also usual.
Decide how you want to spend the day
Some people prefer to spend this day with a large remembrance gathering, some alone and quietly, and some as an ordinary working day. Think about which will be good for you. Taking time off, lightening your schedule or, on the contrary, making a plan that will keep you busy is your choice.
Create a personal remembrance ritual
Alongside traditional rituals or instead of them, you can find a way of remembering that is your own: going to a place the person you lost loved, cooking their favourite dish, writing them a letter, listening to a song they loved or doing a kindness they valued. Rituals like these are ways of continuing the bond in a new form.
Talk with your family
Family members who have experienced the same loss may want to spend the anniversary in different ways. One may value a visit to the cemetery while another avoids it. Talking about these differences in advance can prevent resentment on the day.
Take children and young people into account
If there are children or teenagers at home, remember that the anniversary has a meaning for them too. Even if young children do not know the date, they sense the tension in the house. A clear explanation such as "Tomorrow is one year since Grandad left us; we're going to make helva to remember him, and you can help if you'd like" prevents them from living with uncertainty. Teenagers, on the other hand, sometimes may not want to take part in the remembrance, or may prefer to live their grief with friends, through music or by writing. Without forcing them, leaving the door open is enough.
Ask for support
Telling those close to you "That day is going to be hard for me" lets them know how they can support you. A message, a phone call or a short visit can ease the loneliness of that day.
Take care of yourself
In the days close to the anniversary, pay particular attention to your sleep, eating and rest. If possible, schedule big decisions, challenging meetings or tiring social events away from this date.
Think about after the anniversary too
When the anniversary has passed, some people feel relief and others feel drained. Plan a gentle transition for yourself for the next few days. Similar feelings can also arise on special days such as religious holidays; I have discussed this in the article on the first bayram after a loss.
When Should You Seek Professional Support Around the Anniversary of a Death?
Anniversary reactions are usually temporary. However, some situations may indicate that grief is following a more difficult course:
- Experiencing pain as intense as on the first day at every anniversary, with this not changing even as the years pass,
- A low mood that lasts for weeks after the anniversary and restricts daily life,
- Marked difficulty still accepting the reality of the loss,
- Intense avoidance of everything that reminds you of the loss,
- The loss having happened in a sudden, traumatic or violent way, with these memories recurring as nightmares, sudden images or being constantly on guard,
- A picture in which life feels meaningless and hopelessness has become constant.
Especially after sudden and unexpected losses, grief can become intertwined with traumatic reactions. I have discussed this in more detail in the article on grief after a sudden death. These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; an assessment needs to be made by a professional. If the disruption in sleep and mood is marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist. If, as the anniversary approaches, you are having thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself, please do not carry them alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).
How Are Anniversary Reactions Approached in Therapy?
In therapy, anniversary reactions are approached as one of the natural fluctuations of grief. As the anniversary approaches, what this period stirs up in the person, which memories come to the fore and how they would like to spend the day are discussed together.
In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "It's been a year; if I'm still crying, there's something wrong with me" or "If I forget this day, it means I've forgotten him" are examined. As the pressure these thoughts place on grief is noticed, the person can approach themselves with more understanding. Memories of the days of the loss are talked about to the extent that the person is ready and in a safe setting; this can help the memories to be recalled in a less intense and more meaningful way.
In therapy, work is also done on the continuing bond with the person who has died. Ways of turning the anniversary into a day on which not only pain but also love and memories are remembered can be explored together. For people who were in a caregiving role at the time of the loss, talking about the exhaustion of those days and the decisions that were made can also be part of this work. Resentments arising because family members experience the anniversary in different ways can, where necessary, be addressed in sessions held with the family. You can find out about grief work with adults on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is my body affected too as the anniversary approaches?
Grief is not only an emotional experience but a physical one. The stress, disrupted sleep and tension that increase as the anniversary approaches can lead to physical reactions such as headaches, stomach complaints and weakness. These reactions usually ease once the anniversary has passed, but if they last a long time it is helpful to consult a doctor.
I forgot the anniversary of the death. Does this mean I didn't love them?
No. The date taking up less space in your mind as time passes can show that grief is beginning to settle into life. Your love for the person you lost is not measured by remembering a date. Over the years, many people notice that they remember them most on ordinary days, in small moments.
Do I have to hold a mevlit or organise a remembrance on the anniversary?
This is a decision that depends on your and your family's values, beliefs and strength. Traditional remembrances do many people good; however, a simpler, more personal remembrance is just as meaningful. What matters is that the remembrance is a way of connecting for you, not a burden.
After how many years do anniversaries get easier?
There is no fixed timescale for this. For many people the first anniversaries are more intense, and over time the pain gives way to a softer longing. However, knowing that even years later some anniversaries can feel unexpectedly hard can help you be more understanding towards yourself.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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