A Deceased Loved One's Belongings: When and How to Sort Them

When should a deceased loved one's belongings be sorted and what should be kept? Guidance for this hard process, from an unopened wardrobe to family disputes.

Your father's slippers are still in the same place by the front door. His glasses lie on the last newspaper he read; his jacket hangs on the hook, with a bill and half a packet of mints in the pocket. Months have passed, but you still cannot bring yourself to open that wardrobe door. Or the opposite: the day after the funeral, a relative said, "Let's give his clothes away straight away, so the good deed goes to him," and before you understood what was happening, the wardrobe was empty. A deceased loved one's belongings carry one of the most concrete and emotional burdens of the grieving process. That is because these belongings are not just objects; they bear the traces of someone's life, their habits and their bond with you. In this article I will look at why sorting belongings is so hard, whether there is a right time for it, the disagreements that can arise within the family, and how you can go through this process while taking care of yourself.

Why Does a Deceased Loved One's Belongings Feel So Heavy?

Belongings are the things that still make the presence of the person who has died felt in the absence of their body. The smell of a jumper, the way a pen was held, the worn beads of a set of prayer beads are the most tangible traces a person leaves in this world. For this reason, packing them up or giving them to someone else can feel like going through the loss a second time.

The difficulty with belongings has several sources:

• The need to keep the bond: Touching, seeing or smelling the belongings makes it feel as though the bond with the person who has died continues.
• Fear of the loss becoming final: Emptying the wardrobe can feel like saying, "Now they really aren't coming back."
• Guilt: Thoughts such as "If I throw away their things, it means I've forgotten them" or "They gave me this; how can I give it away?"
• Decision fatigue: The mental exhaustion that grief brings can make taking hundreds of small decisions almost impossible.
• A flood of memories: Each item awakens a memory; it is usual for a task of a few minutes to turn into an emotional journey lasting hours.

Letting go of an object is not giving up loving someone; love lives not in the object but in you.

When Should a Deceased Loved One's Belongings Be Sorted?

There is no answer to this question that suits everyone. Some people want to sort the belongings within a few weeks; others may put it off for years. Neither approach is, on its own, a sign of a problem.

When thinking about timing, the following points can guide you:

• Don't rush in the first weeks: Immediately after a loss, a person is often in shock and numbness. Decisions made during this period can lead to regret later. Unless it is unavoidable, it is good to allow time, especially for belongings with personal and emotional value.
• Separate out what is unavoidable: In unavoidable situations, such as clearing a rented home, handing back a care-home room or selling a house, you may not be able to set the timescale. In that case, first moving the belongings to a place where they will be "kept for now", for example a few boxes or a relative's storeroom, allows you to leave decisions until later.
• Watch for signs of readiness: Beginning to feel a softer longing rather than intense pain when you see the belongings, being able to talk about them or being able to consider using an item can show that you are getting closer to being ready.
• Go step by step: You do not have to finish everything in one day. Starting with one drawer, one shelf or one box makes the process more manageable.

If you shared a home with the person who has died, the situation is especially hard. Someone who has lost their spouse opens the same wardrobe every morning and sees their toothbrush in front of the same washbasin. In this case, middle paths can be tried, such as leaving some belongings in place and putting others away. If you are wondering how grief generally progresses and which reactions are usual, the article on the grief process can also give you some ideas.

The "give them away straight away" tradition

In our culture, distributing the clothes of the person who has died to those in need is a common tradition and a meaningful charitable act for many families. In some regions it is expected to be done quickly. However, this expectation can push family members, especially the spouse and children, into a step they are not ready for, in days when grief is still very fresh. Even if the clothes are to be given away, it is important to give family members the opportunity to set aside in advance the few items they want to keep. The value of a charitable act does not diminish if it is postponed by a few weeks.

Signs of Struggling With the Belongings

Keeping belongings or parting with them is not a problem in itself. However, some situations may indicate that grief is following a difficult course:

• Constant avoidance: Being unable to enter the room of the person who has died at all, keeping that room's door closed for years, or keeping away from certain parts of the house so as not to see their belongings.
• An untouchable museum: Keeping everything exactly as it was on the day the person died, not allowing even a glass to be moved, with this restricting daily life.
• Hastily getting rid of everything: Throwing out all the belongings within days to escape the pain, followed by deep regret.
• Excessive preoccupation with the belongings: Spending long hours of the day among the belongings and being unable to bear being apart from them.

These signs may show that you are struggling to accept the loss. I have discussed this separately in the article on being unable to accept a death. Remember, these signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; how much time has passed since the loss and how far this situation affects your life are what matter.

Family Disagreements About a Deceased Loved One's Belongings

Belongings are one of the issues that most often cause resentment within families. Family members who have experienced the same loss may have very different needs regarding the belongings.

• One sibling may want everything sorted straight away while another may want nothing touched.
• More than one person may want items of high emotional value, such as a mother's ring, a father's watch or a grandfather's prayer beads.
• The surviving spouse may perceive the children's suggestion to sort the belongings as "erasing him from the house".
• A sibling who lives far away may feel left out of the decisions made by the sibling who stays at home.
• Tensions about dividing the inheritance can surface through the belongings.

These disagreements are often not about the belongings themselves but about the meaning they carry. The person who says "I want that watch" may really be saying, "I want my bond with my father to be seen."

To make the process easier within the family:

• Let all family members know before you start sorting the belongings and, if possible, agree on a time together.
• Give each person the opportunity to choose first the few special items they want to keep.
• For items more than one person wants, consider ways such as choosing in turns or sharing the item for set periods.
• Listen without judgement to the feelings of family members who rush decisions or who want nothing touched.
• If tension is very high, asking a neutral elder of the family to mediate can help.

Approaches That Can Help When Sorting a Deceased Loved One's Belongings

Being gentle with yourself during this process matters at least as much as the belongings themselves. The following suggestions can make the process a little more bearable.

Don't do it alone

Having a relative you trust with you is a great support, both emotionally and practically. Sometimes just having someone sit in the same room is enough. But make sure this is someone who will not hurry you, will not judge the value of the belongings and will not say, "Why on earth are you keeping that?"

The three-box method

Dividing the belongings into three, "to keep", "to give away" and "not yet decided", reduces the pressure to make a final decision about each item straight away. The third box can be set aside to be opened again a few months later.

Make a memory box

Gathering a few of the most meaningful belongings of the person who has died, along with their letters, photographs and handwritten notes, in a special box can be a concrete way of continuing the bond. This box becomes a corner of memories that you can open whenever you wish.

Transform the belongings

Some families have a cushion cover or quilt sewn from the shirts of the person who has died, make a display from their ties or have their jewellery redesigned. In this way the item continues to remain part of life in a new form.

Photograph them

Photographing items you cannot keep but find it hard to say goodbye to allows you to preserve their memories while parting with them.

Give them to a meaningful place

The belongings reaching a cause the person who has died valued can make the process meaningful. For example, donating the books of a father who was a teacher to a village school, or giving the sewing machine of a mother who was a seamstress to a vocational course.

Don't forget digital belongings

Today, belongings are not only in wardrobes but also on phones. Voice messages, photographs, message histories and social media accounts are keepsakes too. Backing up these records before resetting the phone can be very valuable in the future. There is no need to rush decisions such as closing social media accounts or turning them into memorial accounts either.

Leave room for feelings

Starting to cry while folding a jumper, laughing while reading a letter, getting angry in front of an object... All kinds of feelings can come up during this process. There is nothing wrong with stopping halfway and continuing the next day.

In disasters such as earthquakes, many families lost the belongings of their loved ones along with the loved ones themselves. Having no reminder objects left at all can make grief even harder. In such cases, collecting photographs held by other relatives, writing down memories of the person who has died or recording them as audio can be valuable ways of continuing the bond.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Sorting belongings is a hard process, and most people do it at their own pace, over time. However, it can be helpful to speak to a professional in the following situations:

• If you still cannot go near the belongings or the room at all even though a long time has passed since the loss,
• If disagreements about the belongings are causing lasting ruptures in family relationships,
• If the time you spend among the belongings markedly affects your work, your relationships and your daily responsibilities,
• If you are experiencing intense and long-lasting regret and guilt after parting with the belongings,
• If your grief is accompanied by constant hopelessness, worthlessness and an inability to enjoy life.

If the disruption in sleep and mood is marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist. If you are having thoughts of ending your life or harming yourself in order to be reunited with the person you lost, please do not carry them alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is Difficulty With Belongings Approached in Therapy?

In therapy, difficulties with belongings are approached within the wider context of grief. What the belongings mean to the person, which feelings they stir up and how they would like to continue the bond with the person who has died are discussed together.

In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "If I give away her things, I'll forget her" or "If I go into his room, I won't be able to bear it" are examined. It becomes clear how avoidance, while bringing relief in the short term, can freeze grief in the long term. To the extent that the person is ready, a step-by-step plan can be made: first opening the door of the room, then staying inside for a short time, and then sorting a single drawer. This process is carried out not through pressure but with respect for the person's own pace.

In therapy, work is also done on ways of continuing the bond beyond the belongings. New ways can be found of carrying the values, teachings and memories of the person who has died into life. You can find out about grief work with adults on the individual therapy page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it right to use a deceased loved one's belongings?

This is an entirely personal choice. Some people find comfort in wearing the watch or the jumper of the person they lost; this is a way of continuing the bond. Others find it hard to do so. Both using and not using them can be healthy; what matters is how you feel.

I haven't sorted their belongings at all and two years have passed. Is this normal?

There is no fixed timescale for sorting belongings, and for some people this step can take years. What matters is how much this situation affects your daily life. If you are intensely avoiding seeing the belongings and this is restricting you, it can be helpful to talk to a professional about it.

Should I keep something for my child from the father they lost?

For children, an item left by the parent they lost can become a very valuable bond in the future. Keeping his watch, a book, a handwritten note or a photograph for them helps them get to know their father as they grow up. Asking the child which item they would like to keep is also a lovely way to include them in the process.

I deeply regret throwing something away after the loss. What can I do?

Decisions made in the early period of grief can lead to regret later, and this is a very common experience. Instead of blaming yourself, try to remember your circumstances and feelings at the time. It is possible to carry on the memory that item held by writing it down, telling it or through another form of remembrance.

• #grief
• #loss
• #keepsakes
• #family
• #coping with grief

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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