Why does a teenager who falls out with a friend feel it so deeply? Read why friendships end, how to make up or let go, and the role parents can play.
A friend they have spent every break with since primary school, riding the same school bus, listening to the same songs, staying over at each other's houses. Then one day messages go unanswered, they try to avoid each other's eyes in the school corridor, and shared photos disappear from profiles. When you ask your teenager, who has come home with a closed-off face, what happened, all they say is "Nothing." A teen who falls out with a friend is going through a loss that adults often underestimate, but which can feel like an earthquake in the young person's world. In this article we look at why the end of a close friendship is so hard for a teenager, the reasons behind these breaks, and how both the young person and the family can get through this period.
Why Does a Teen Falling Out with a Best Friend Feel It So Deeply?
For adults, friendship is one of the important parts of life; for a teenager, it is often the centre of life. During this period, young people discover who they are largely in the mirror of their friends. A best friend is not just someone to spend time with; they are the person with whom secrets, first experiences and things that cannot be told to the family are shared. That is why the end of that relationship takes a piece of the young person's identity with it.
It is no exaggeration to say that this loss is a grief-like process. The young person may experience shock, anger, longing, guilt and shame all intertwined. What's more, this grief is often invisible. While the adults around them think "They're just kids, they'll make up tomorrow", the young person has to walk into the same classroom every morning and breathe the same air as that person. An adult who breaks up with a partner at least does not have to see them every day; school, on the other hand, is a setting with no escape.
There is also the dimension of exclusion. When a close friendship ends, the shared friend group often takes sides too. The young person may lose not only a friend but also a place of belonging. Not knowing who to stand with at break time, who to go to the canteen with or who to pair up with for group work makes everyday life heavier.
Why Do Friendships End in Adolescence?
There is no need to look for great wickedness behind every break. Adolescence is a period of rapid change, and sometimes two young people simply grow in different directions. Still, some common reasons are:
- A change of school or class: Being placed in different high schools after the LGS (Turkey's national high-school entrance exam), changing class sections, moving house. As distance grows, shared everyday life shrinks.
- Diverging interests: One turns towards sport, the other towards gaming or music. There are fewer things to talk about.
- A new friend group: When one of them joins a more "popular" group, they may spend less time with their old friend. For the one left behind, this can feel like betrayal.
- Secrets being shared: Something told in confidence being passed on to others opens one of the deepest wounds in teenage friendships.
- Three-way dynamics: In friendships of three, someone is sometimes left out. Who is closer to whom can be a constant source of tension.
- A crush or a partner: One of the friends starting a romantic relationship, or both liking the same person, can upset the balance.
- Jealousy and rivalry: Competition over grades, mock exam results, team selections or visibility on social media can wear the relationship down.
Let's say two girls have been known as an inseparable pair throughout middle school. After the LGS, one is placed in a science high school and the other in the Anatolian high school in their neighbourhood. In the first months they video call every evening; then one, caught up in the intense pace of boarding school, starts replying later and later. The other interprets this as "She's found new friends, I'm not enough any more" and sends a reproachful message. The reply comes back just as harsh. Two months later each believes the other is no longer speaking to her, but in fact neither really wants the friendship to end.
Sometimes the reason for the falling-out is unclear even to the young person themselves. The sentence "I don't know what I did, they suddenly went cold" can turn into an endless "What's wrong with me?" interrogation in the young person's mind.
Falling Out in the Digital Age: Being Blocked, Removed from the Group, Ignored
In the past, falling out was limited to not greeting each other in the street. Today the end of a relationship is lived in front of everyone and with digital traces. Being removed from the class WhatsApp group, deleted from the "close friends" list, no longer being shown stories, shared photos being archived, a message showing as "seen" but left unanswered. Each of these small signs can be a separate blow for the young person.
Social media also makes falling out continuous. The young person can see in real time where their former friend goes with their new friends and how much fun they are having. These images feed the thought, "They're happier without me." Some young people, meanwhile, keep the pain alive without realising it by secretly and repeatedly checking their former friend's profile.
In more serious cases, the falling-out can turn into screenshots being shared, mocking posts or gossip within the group. At this point it is no longer a friendship problem but cyberbullying, and cooperation with the school is needed. We discussed this in detail in our article on peer bullying.
Advice for Parents of a Teen Falling Out with a Best Friend
Don't minimise the pain
Sentences like "Never mind, you'll find another friend" or "These things happen at this age" are usually meant as comfort. But the young person hears them as "What you're going through doesn't matter" and learns not to talk about it again. Instead, saying "You were so close to them, this must be really hard" makes room for the young person's feelings.
Don't rush to produce solutions
Parents' instinct is to solve the problem: calling the other young person's mother, talking to the teacher, drawing up a plan to get them to make up. These interventions, made without the young person's consent, often complicate the situation further and shake their trust in you. Listen first, then ask: "Do you want me to do anything about this, or do you just want to talk about it?"
Be careful when taking sides
To protect your child, it may be tempting to badmouth the other young person. But comments like "I never liked that girl anyway" can create a barrier between you if they make up tomorrow. The young person may also find it hard to listen to someone they have loved for years being run down. Assessing the behaviour ("It really hurt you that she told others your secret") is more helpful than judging the person.
Share your own experience in moderation
If you also had a friendship that ended when you were young, telling them about it briefly can help the young person feel they are not alone. What matters is not letting your story overshadow the young person's pain and not slipping into the tone of "In my day we went through worse." A few sentences are enough.
Keep the rhythm of everyday life
Routines are supportive during periods of loss. Going out for breakfast at the weekend, arranging to meet a cousin, reminding the young person of an activity they used to enjoy all help them not to define themselves solely by their loss.
Open the door to new relationships, but don't force it
School clubs, sports teams, courses in the neighbourhood or volunteering activities are natural places for new friendships. However, these should be suggested in line with the young person's interests, not with the message "Find a new friend and stop being upset."
For Teenagers: Make Up or Say Goodbye?
This section is written for you, as a young person whose relationship with a close friend has broken down.
First, know this: whatever you are feeling is understandable. Missing them, being angry, thinking "Maybe it was my fault", wanting both to make up and never to see them again at the same time. Even if these feelings contradict each other, they can exist at the same time.
Don't rush in the first few days
When anger is at its highest, it can be tempting to write long messages, share screenshots or tell mutual friends what happened. But these steps often leave traces that are hard to undo. First write the message you want to send in your phone's notes and wait a night. If you still want to send it the next morning, reread its tone.
Get clear on the situation
Ask yourself a few questions: What actually happened? How do I know this, or am I guessing? What made me happiest in this friendship, and what wore me out? Sometimes a misunderstanding grows for weeks because of both sides' pride.
If you want to try to make up
- Choose to talk one to one, not in the group or in front of others.
- Instead of blaming sentences, describe your own feelings: "I was really upset when I saw you'd removed me from the group, and I want to understand what happened."
- If you played a part, acknowledge it openly. Apologising is not weakness.
- Remember that the other person may have their own story too, and be ready to listen to it.
- Don't expect things to go back to how they were straight away; trust returns gradually.
If making up isn't going to happen
Some friendships do not return to how they were despite the efforts of both sides. This does not mean you are worthless. Creating a small space for saying goodbye can help: writing on a piece of paper the good moments you had in that friendship and what you learnt, putting shared photos in a folder for now rather than deleting them, muting their profile. This helps you put the pain somewhere without denying it. You may feel lonely for a while; you can find suggestions on how to cope with this feeling in our article on loneliness in teenagers.
The end of a friendship does not mean that friendship was never valuable; the closeness you shared is also the foundation of the relationships you will build in the future.
When Should Professional Support Be Sought?
A teenager who has fallen out with a friend usually finds a new balance within a few weeks. However, it may be helpful to speak to a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If the sadness lasts for weeks and the young person's sleep, appetite and school routine are disrupted
- If they don't want to go to school or stay at home by constantly saying they are ill
- If they are also noticeably withdrawing from their other friends and their family
- If the loss of the friendship turns into constant self-blame and thoughts of worthlessness
- If the falling-out has evolved into cyberbullying, threats or systematic exclusion
- If the young person talks about harming themselves or about life having lost its meaning
If thoughts of self-harm or suicide are involved, do not put it off; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).
These signs do not in themselves mean a diagnosis. However, the loss of a friendship can trigger a deeper unhappiness, especially in young people who were already experiencing loneliness or anxiety.
How Is the Loss of a Friendship Addressed in Therapy?
The first step in therapy is taking the young person's loss seriously. Many young people feel relief when, for the first time, they sense that an adult is listening to this pain without belittling it. Then the meaning the loss has taken on in the young person's mind is explored together.
Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), generalisations such as "Nobody stays friends with me for long" or "Everyone leaves me in the end" are noticed and tested against realistic evidence. The young person learns to assess their own share without exaggerating it or ignoring it completely. If needed, a making-up conversation is rehearsed in the session through role play, and skills such as setting boundaries, expressing anger and apologising are worked on.
In some young people, the loss of a friendship activates an older experience of abandonment or exclusion. Thinking in terms of schema therapy concepts, themes of "abandonment" or "social isolation" can show up in relationships as patterns of clinging excessively or withdrawing completely. The early maladaptive schemas that Clinical Psychologist Eda Erkan Alapala studied in her master's thesis offer guidance in understanding these patterns. She has completed the four-year CBT training of the Association for Cognitive and Behavioural Therapies (KDTD) and training in child and adolescent psychotherapy.
In adolescent counselling, sessions with the family can also be held with the young person's agreement. Sessions can take place face to face or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I talk to the family of the friend my child has fallen out with?
Generally, this should not be the first step. Parents stepping in can turn an issue between young people into a problem between families and can leave the young person embarrassed. However, if there are threats, bullying or a safety concern, it is necessary to contact the school and, if needed, the other family.
How long does it take a teen who has fallen out with a best friend to recover?
This varies depending on how long the relationship lasted, how it ended and what other sources of support the young person has. Most young people begin to build a new routine within a few weeks. If the sadness lasts for months and affects other areas of their life, seeking support is advisable.
Being in the same class as their former friend is very hard. Should they change class?
It is best not to rush this decision. Often the tension of the first weeks eases over time. However, if there is mockery, exclusion or bullying in the setting, it may be necessary to talk to the school counselling service and consider the options, including a change of class.
What should I think if they keep losing friends in the same way?
Friendships repeatedly ending in a similar way may point to a pattern in how the young person forms or maintains relationships that can be worked on. This is not a flaw; it is about skills that can be learnt. Understanding this pattern together with a professional can help the young person.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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