Loneliness in Teenagers: Friendship Problems, Causes and Advice for Families

Why do teenagers feel lonely and how can you tell? Learn the causes of having no friends, exclusion and withdrawal, and how to support a lonely young person.

Picture a teenager who sits alone at break times, shuts themselves in their room straight after school, and meets none of their friends at weekends. Or the opposite: a young person who is part of a large circle of friends yet feels that "nobody really knows me". Teenage loneliness can take both of these forms, and it often goes unnoticed from the outside. Because adolescence is a time when friendships move to the centre of life, loneliness at this age can be felt far more deeply than in adulthood. In this article we look at how loneliness and friendship problems arise in young people, the signs by which they show themselves, their causes, and the concrete steps that young people and families can take.

What Is Loneliness in Teenagers?

Loneliness is the feeling of a gap between the relationships a person has and the relationships they would like to have. What matters in this definition is not how many friends a person has but how they experience their relationships. That is why being alone and feeling lonely are not the same thing.

• Being alone (solitude): Spending time on one's own by choice. Being alone to read, listen to music or think can be healthy and necessary.
• Feeling lonely: An unwanted, painful feeling of being unable to connect. A person can feel invisible even in a crowd.

In adolescence loneliness can be experienced in two dimensions. Social loneliness is the feeling of not belonging to a group of friends or a community. Emotional loneliness is not having a close friend to confide in, someone who truly understands you. A young person can be emotionally lonely even with a wide circle.

We discussed the experience of loneliness in adults in our article on feeling lonely. In adolescence, this feeling is directly linked to identity development and to the question "where do I belong?"

Why are friendships so important in adolescence?

In childhood, the social world is centred on the family; with adolescence it widens towards peers. This is a natural and healthy part of development. At this stage friendships offer a young person:

• A space to build an identity independent of the family,
• An environment in which to share feelings and feel understood,
• A chance to try out social skills such as conflict resolution, empathy and compromise,
• Support and a sense of belonging in hard times.

For this reason, being unable to make friends in adolescence, or being excluded from a friendship group, is not just "a sad situation". It can profoundly affect how a young person sees themselves, their self-confidence and how they perceive the world. Studies in developmental psychology show that exclusion by peers can cause teenagers a distress similar to physical pain.

What Are the Signs of Loneliness in Teenagers?

Young people often do not say outright that they are lonely. Saying "I have no friends" can feel humiliating. That is why it can help for families and teachers to watch for the following signs:

• Not seeing any friends outside school, not receiving invitations
• Being left on their own at break times, in the canteen or on the school bus
• Not wanting to go to school, often complaining of stomach ache or headache in the mornings
• Avoiding social events such as birthdays and school trips
• Shutting themselves in their room, spending most of their time in front of a screen
• Brushing off or getting angry when asked about their friends
• Negative statements about themselves: "Nobody wants to talk to me", "I'm boring"
• Unhappiness, lack of motivation, changes in sleep and appetite

Some young people try to make up for their loneliness in the virtual world. Relationships formed in online games or on social media can provide a degree of belonging, but loneliness can deepen when they completely replace face-to-face relationships.

It is also worth remembering that these signs on their own do not mean there is a problem, and that some young people are simply more introverted by nature. What matters is whether the young person is suffering because of it.

Why Do Loneliness and Friendship Problems Occur in Young People?

Temperament and social anxiety

Some young people are born with a shyer temperament. They take time to warm up in new settings. When shyness turns into an intense fear of being judged, the young person starts to avoid social situations. The more they avoid, the fewer chances they have to try out their social skills, which reinforces the loneliness. We covered this topic in detail in our article on social phobia.

A cycle of negative thinking

Loneliness can create a self-feeding cycle. A young person who feels lonely begins to interpret other people's behaviour more negatively. If a friend is slow to reply to a message, they take it as "He doesn't like me" and so withdraw from the relationship. The more they withdraw, the weaker relationships become, and the belief that "nobody wants me anyway" grows stronger.

Exclusion and bullying

Being on the receiving end of peer bullying can cause a young person both to drift away from the group and to find it hard to trust others. Experiences such as being mocked, gossiped about or removed from social media groups can leave deep marks.

Changes in surroundings

Moving house, changing schools, returning from abroad or forced migration such as after an earthquake can lead a young person to lose their existing friendships and have to start from scratch. Because friendship groups in adolescence are usually already formed, joining a new one can be hard.

Feeling different

Young people who feel different from their peers because of their interests, appearance, their family's financial situation or developmental characteristics can become isolated with the feeling "I don't fit in". For example, a young person whose interests are quite different from those of their peers may find it hard to find common ground.

Screens and superficial connection

Social media and messaging apps give young people the impression of being constantly connected. But likes, short messages and story views do not always offer the depth of a face-to-face conversation. Moreover, seeing friends spending time together on social media can make the feeling of "I wasn't invited" immediate and constant. A young person may have hundreds of followers and still feel that there is not a single person they could call on a difficult night. This shows how a social life that is crowded in numbers but empty emotionally can deepen loneliness.

A heavy academic schedule

During LGS and YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams) preparation, days spent between school, cram school and study sessions can seriously narrow the time a young person has for friendships. In an environment where friends only talk about lessons, it becomes harder to build emotional closeness.

How Does Loneliness Affect a Teenager's Daily Life?

Say a fourteen-year-old has started at a new school. In the first weeks they did not get to know anyone and passed break times pretending to be busy with their phone. After a while they stopped wanting to go to school and stopped coming out of their room in the evenings. The more their family criticised them as "addicted to the phone", the more they withdrew. In this example the real problem is not the phone but the loneliness the young person feels and the fear of exclusion.

Long-lasting loneliness:

• Can damage self-confidence and lead a young person to feel "unlovable".
• Can lower motivation and achievement at school.
• Can be linked to anxiety, depressive symptoms and sleep problems.
• Can lead to increased screen use and escape from real life.
• Can make it easier for a young person to be drawn towards risky groups or relationships.

From the point of view of schema theory, repeated experiences of exclusion in childhood and adolescence can contribute to the development of patterns such as "social isolation" or "defectiveness". These patterns can also show up in a person's relationships in adulthood. That is why it is important to approach loneliness in adolescence in good time and with compassion.

Tips for Coping with Loneliness in Teenagers

For young people

1. Name your feeling: Saying "I feel lonely" is not a weakness; it is the first step. Try sharing this feeling with an adult you trust.
2. Test your thoughts: When the thought "nobody wants to talk to me" comes up, ask yourself: "What is the evidence for this? Could there be another explanation?" Perhaps the person in front of you is just as shy as you are.
3. Start with small steps: Asking one person in class a question about homework, or making a short comment about a series or game you both like, can be the beginning of a connection.
4. Join settings where people share your interests: School clubs, sports teams, music, theatre, volunteering or courses make it easier to make friends through a shared interest.
5. Value few but deep relationships: You don't have to have many friends. Even one or two close friends can noticeably reduce the feeling of loneliness.
6. Make your time alone nourishing: While you are trying to make friends, you can also make the time you spend on your own meaningful. Learning a skill, keeping a journal, going for a walk or taking up a creative pursuit supports your mood and also gives you new interests to share with others.
7. Be kind to yourself: Making friends takes time. Not every attempt will be returned; that does not mean you are worthless.

For families

• Be curious without judging: Instead of "Why don't you have any friends?", ask open-ended questions such as "Who do you talk to most at school?" or "How are break times going?"
• Don't belittle the feeling: Saying "Forget it, you'll grow out of it" can make a young person feel left alone. Saying "That must be really hard" is far more supportive.
• Create opportunities: Support your teenager in joining activities they are interested in, and make it easy for them to invite friends home.
• Talk about balance instead of banning screens: Online relationships may be a young person's only source of connection. Cutting them off suddenly can increase loneliness.
• Work with the school: Talking to the school counsellor or class teacher helps you understand your teenager's social situation at school better. Teachers can help pair a young person with compatible peers in group work.
• Strengthen the connection at home: Eating together, short walks, shared hobbies: a young person who feels seen at home is braver about making connections outside.

To resolve a young person's loneliness, you don't need to find them friends straight away. First you need to hear their feeling and let them know they are not alone.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

It can be helpful to seek support from a specialist in the following situations:

• If loneliness and withdrawal have continued for more than a few weeks
• If the young person refuses to go to school or their school performance has dropped markedly
• If there are expressions of constant unhappiness, hopelessness or worthlessness
• If there are signs that they are being bullied
• If intense anxiety and avoidance are seen in social settings
• If there are marked changes in sleep, appetite or energy levels

If a young person talks about harming themselves or ending their life, this must always be taken seriously. In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).

How Is Teenage Loneliness Handled in Therapy?

The first step in therapy is to build a relationship in which the young person feels safe and understood. This relationship can sometimes be a space in which the young person opens up to someone for the first time in a long while.

Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), the young person learns to notice the thoughts that feed the feeling of loneliness ("Everyone finds me boring", "If I speak I'll make a fool of myself") and to examine them. Work is done on social skills, starting conversations, sustaining a relationship and conflict resolution. Avoided social situations are tried again in small, manageable steps.

In some young people, deep beliefs such as "I'm different, I don't belong anywhere" or "If they really get to know me, they'll pull away" may lie beneath the loneliness. Understanding where these beliefs come from helps the young person to look at themselves with more compassion. In therapy these beliefs are explored without judgement, and the young person's strengths and interests are brought into view. In this way, the young person begins to approach relationships not just with anxiety but also with curiosity and hope.

Clinical Psychologist Eda Erkan Alapala completed four years of CBT training at the Association for Cognitive and Behavioural Therapies (KDTD) and has received training in child and adolescent psychotherapy. In the adolescent counselling process, sessions with parents are also held when needed to support communication at home. Sessions can be held face to face or online.

Frequently Asked Questions

My child likes being alone. Is that a problem?

Not always. Some young people are naturally more introverted and enjoy spending time alone. What matters is whether the young person is content with this, whether they have at least one close relationship, and whether their daily functioning is affected.

Does loneliness in teenagers lead to depression?

Long-lasting loneliness can be linked to depressive symptoms, but not every lonely young person becomes depressed. If unhappiness, lack of motivation and hopelessness become marked, an assessment by a specialist can provide direction.

Do online friendships count as real friendships?

Online relationships can be meaningful too, and can offer a starting point especially for shy young people. However, it is important to be careful about safety and, where possible, to balance them with face-to-face relationships.

Should I push my child to make friends?

Pushing usually increases anxiety. Instead, offering opportunities that fit the young person's interests, supporting small steps and trying to understand their feelings is a more effective way.

• #adolescence
• #friendship
• #social exclusion
• #social skills

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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