Why does the first bayram after a loss feel so hard? Read about ways to carry these days amid holiday visits, the empty seat, children and traditions.
Imagine your hand pausing for a moment in the kitchen on the eve of the holiday as you make baklava: the person who tasted the first slice every year will not be at the table this year. Their number still saved in your phone's contacts, the door where everyone queued on holiday morning to kiss a hand, the voice that said "Have a blessed bayram"... The first bayram after a loss (bayram being the Turkish name for the two religious holidays, Ramazan Bayramı and Kurban Bayramı) is, for many grieving people, one of the days on which the loss is felt most starkly. This is because a bayram is not just a date on the calendar; it is a gathering in which the family comes together and in which roles and habits are at their most visible. In this article I will look at why the first bayram can feel so heavy, how it shows itself in the family and in children, and how you can spend these days in a way that suits you.
Why Is the First Bayram After a Loss So Hard?
Bayrams are days full of shared memories. Small but meaningful rituals form over the years: who visits whom first, who makes which dish, who sits at the head of the table, who gives the children their pocket money. If the person who has died was at the centre of these rituals, every moment of the holiday is a reminder of their absence.
Several factors make the first bayram harder:
- The expectation of joy: A bayram is seen as a time when you are supposed to be happy. The gulf between the excitement around you and the pain inside you increases the sense of loneliness.
- The gap in roles: When an elder of the family has died, the question "Where will we go to celebrate now?" arises. Sometimes the family's gathering point disappears completely.
- The weight of "firsts": Days such as the first birthday, the first New Year and the first bayram after a loss are reminders, once again, of how permanent the loss is.
- Anticipatory anxiety: For many people the days leading up to the holiday are heavier than the holiday itself. Anticipation can create more tension than what actually happens.
Ignoring the empty chair and crying as you look at it can both be part of the holiday; both are signs of your love.
How Does Grief Feel on the First Bayram?
Everyone experiences the first bayram differently; however, some reactions are quite common:
- Restlessness, sleep problems and reluctance that begin days before the holiday,
- Strong reluctance towards the holiday preparations or, on the contrary, an effort to do everything just as before,
- Sudden bouts of crying during visits, or going completely numb,
- Feeling guilty at moments when you smile or enjoy yourself,
- Waiting impatiently for the holiday to end, and then blaming yourself for that feeling,
- Physical reactions such as headaches, tiredness and a heaviness in the chest.
None of these reactions means that something has gone wrong. In the wave-like nature of grief, special days are the times when the wave rises. Feeling tired and emotionally drained for a while after the holiday is also usual.
How close the loss was to the holiday also affects the experience. If only a few weeks have passed since the funeral, a person may still be in shock and numbness; the holiday may pass almost unnoticed, at the very beginning of grief. If the loss happened months ago, on the other hand, a person who thinks they have recovered a little may find their feelings rising again unexpectedly with the holiday. This feeling of "going backwards" is confusing, but it is a sign that grief does not progress in a straight line. With losses that follow a long illness, the fact that the previous bayram was spent in a hospital room or at a bedside can make the memories even heavier.
Bayram and Grief in Turkey: Between Traditions
In our culture, the first bayram holds a special place for a grieving family. In many regions, people make a separate visit to a house of mourning on the first bayram; neighbours, relatives and acquaintances pay a visit that is more a condolence call than a holiday greeting. For some families these visits are a great source of comfort; they feel they are not alone. For others, telling the story of the loss again and again and being asked the same questions repeatedly can be exhausting.
Visiting the cemetery on the eve of the holiday or on holiday morning is also a widespread tradition. This visit can be a meaningful way of keeping the bond with the person who has died. Some people, however, find it hard to go to the cemetery and come under pressure from those around them for this. Both attitudes are understandable; going or not going to the cemetery is not a measure of how much a person loved.
At Kurban Bayramı (the Feast of Sacrifice), questions such as whether to make the sacrifice, who will carry it out and how the meat will be shared can lead to difficult conversations within the family if the person who used to take on these tasks has died. At Ramazan Bayramı, shared memories built up over a whole month, such as iftar meals and the pre-dawn sahur, can intensify grief even before the holiday arrives.
A grieving family may also be told things such as "You don't cry at bayram", "Don't poison the holiday" or "Put on a smiling face for the children's sake". These words are usually well meant; however, they can lead a person to hide their feelings and live the holiday like a performance. For families who struggle to meet holiday expenses because of the high cost of living, and who have taken on the responsibility of earning a living after the loss, the bayram can also become an additional source of financial worry.
People living away from home who cannot travel back for the first bayram after a loss may have to carry the pain from a distance, often alone. Exchanging holiday greetings by video call helps keep the bond with the rest of the family, but the absence of physical closeness is still felt.
The First Bayram After a Loss With Children
For children, bayram is usually associated with sweets, pocket money, new clothes and play. On the first bayram after a loss, children experience mixed feelings just like adults: on the one hand they want to enjoy the holiday, and on the other they sense the sadness in the house.
When supporting children, the following can help:
- Be open: Talking about the situation in advance with a simple, honest sentence such as "Grandad won't be with us this bayram; we're going to miss him very much" prevents the child from living with uncertainty.
- Let them be happy: A child playing, having a nice time or laughing does not mean they have forgotten the person who has died. Take care not to load them with guilt about this.
- Include them in remembering: Drawing a picture for the person who has died, putting a sweet they loved on the table or telling a memory of them helps the child express their grief.
- Don't disrupt routines completely: Keeping some familiar elements of the holiday gives the child a sense of security and continuity.
You can read in more detail about how children experience grief and how death can be explained to them in the article on grief in children.
What Can Be Done to Make the First Bayram More Bearable?
There is no right or wrong plan for the first bayram after a loss. What matters is being able to shape these days according to your needs and your family's needs.
Plan in advance, but stay flexible
Talking as a family, before the holiday arrives, about the question "What do we want to do this year?" reduces last-minute tension. It can help to set a framework for which visits will be made, who will be hosted and where the table will be laid. But also accept that the plan can change at any moment; you cannot know in advance how you will feel on the day.
Keep traditions, change them or add new ones
Some families find comfort in doing everything as before. Others prefer to spend the holiday somewhere different, in a different way, this year: going to another relative's home, taking a short trip or laying a simpler table. Both paths are healthy. What matters is that the decision is made out of need, not under pressure.
Make a place at the table for the person who has died
Some families light a candle at the table in memory of the person who has died, cook a dish they loved, or remember them for a minute before the meal. A remembrance ritual like this can be a way of meeting their absence with love rather than ignoring it. Other families do not want to do this, and that is entirely understandable too.
Set boundaries during visits
You do not have to retell the story of the loss to everyone who comes. Saying "I'm finding it hard to talk about this today, but thank you for coming" is enough both to show respect to the visitor and to protect yourself. When you get tired, withdrawing to a room or keeping a visit short is also your right.
Make room for your feelings
When you want to cry in the middle of the holiday, you do not have to hold yourself back. In the same way, do not blame yourself for the moments when you laugh or enjoy yourself. The two can exist side by side.
Make room for differences within the family
Family members who have experienced the same loss may want to spend the first bayram in very different ways. A mother may want to stay at home quietly, while her son wishes for everything to be as it used to be around a crowded table. When these differences are discussed openly before they turn into resentment, a shared path can be found for everyone: for example, a simple family meal on the first day of the holiday, and visits that anyone who wishes can join on the second.
Don't neglect your body
Going without sleep, eating irregularly and being on your feet all the time in the rush of the holiday increase the emotional load. Short breaks, getting some fresh air and making time to rest make these days more bearable.
Think about after the holiday too
When the holiday is over and the crowd has gone, a sense of emptiness may set in. Meeting a friend after the holiday or making a small plan to rest can ease this transition. A similar intensity can also be felt on the anniversaries of a death; I have discussed this separately in the article on the anniversary of a death.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Experiencing intense feelings on the first bayram is a natural part of grief. However, some signs may indicate that seeking support could be helpful:
- An intense low mood that begins weeks before the holiday and does not pass after it,
- Isolating yourself completely from your family and those around you throughout the holiday,
- Being unable to face any special day even though a long time has passed since the loss,
- A marked and long-lasting disruption in sleep, appetite and energy,
- A picture in which life feels meaningless and hopelessness spreads into daily life.
These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; however, talking to a professional can help you make sense of what you are going through. If the disruption in mood is marked, whether medication support is needed is determined by the assessment of a psychiatrist. If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not carry them alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services).
How Is Grief on Bayrams and Special Days Approached in Therapy?
In therapy, grief on special days is approached not as a separate matter from the overall course of grief but as an important part of it. As days such as a bayram approach, how the person would like to spend this period, which situations may be challenging and what sources of support they have are discussed together.
In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "If I'm sad at bayram, I'll ruin everyone's holiday" or "If I laugh, it means I've forgotten him" are examined. As the person notices how these thoughts isolate them, it becomes possible to make room for feelings in a more flexible way. Situations that are being avoided, such as visiting the cemetery or large family gatherings, can be approached to the extent that the person is ready and at their own pace.
The continuing bond with the person who has died also has an important place in therapy. How you would like to remember them on holidays, and which traditions you would like to keep or change, are considered in line with your values and those of your family. Building understanding between family members who grieve in different ways can also be part of the process. You can find out about grief work with adults on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it rude not to go on holiday visits on the first bayram?
It is understandable for a grieving person to limit their holiday visits, and many people around you will know this. A short phone call or message to exchange holiday greetings is also a way of keeping the bond. Taking account of your own strength and needs is not disrespectful.
Will remembering the person I lost at bayram upset the children?
Remembering the person who has died with love shows children that grief is something that can be talked about. Children are usually affected more by feelings that are hidden. A simple remembrance suited to their age gives them, too, an opportunity to express their feelings.
Will everything get easier once the first bayram after a loss has passed?
The first bayram is often the most challenging, but it is usual to feel sadness on later holidays too. Over time, many people find a balance in which longing can exist alongside the joy of the holiday. Each bayram may feel a little different.
Is going out of town instead of staying at home over the bayram break running away?
Not always. For some people, spending the first bayram in a different setting means taking a break from grief and catching their breath. As long as this choice does not turn into a constant escape so as never to think about the loss, it can be a healthy one.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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