Grief in Children: How to Talk to a Child About Loss and Death

How do children experience grief, and how do you explain death to a child? Learn age-based wording, signs of grief in children and ways to offer support.

The loss of a loved one shakes everyone in the family deeply. While adults try to cope with their own pain, the same question often occupies their minds: "How are we going to tell the child?" Some families choose to hide the truth so as not to upset the child; others say "They won't understand anyway" and never raise the subject. Yet although grief in children looks different from adults' grief, it is an utterly real process. Children make sense of loss according to their own developmental level, and in this process they need the honest, calm and warm support of adults. In this article we look at how children perceive death at different ages, how loss can be explained to a child, the signs of grief and when it helps to seek professional support.

What Is Grief in Children, and How Does It Differ from Adult Grief?

Grief is the whole of the natural emotional, cognitive, physical and behavioural responses to a significant loss. A loss does not have to be a death; divorce, moving house, the death of a pet or the departure of a much-loved carer can also trigger grief reactions in a child. In this article we focus mainly on loss through death.

Children's grief differs from adults' in several ways:

• It comes in waves. A child may cry one moment and return to their play a few minutes later. This is not indifference; it is the way the child processes intense feelings in small pieces. Specialists sometimes describe this with the metaphor of "jumping in and out of puddles".
• It is expressed through play and behaviour. Children cannot always put their feelings into words. Themes of funerals, hospitals or getting lost may appear in their play.
• It is re-experienced with development. As the child grows, they make sense of the loss again. A loss experienced at five can return at twelve with new questions and new feelings.
• It is influenced by adults' reactions. By watching how the adults at home grieve, the child learns how they can experience their own grief.

For a broader framework on the grieving process in adults, you can look at our article on the grieving process.

How Do Children Understand Death at Different Ages?

Children's understanding of the concept of death matures step by step along with their cognitive development. Fully grasping death requires understanding that death is irreversible, that all living things will die one day and that the body of the person who has died no longer works. The age ranges below offer a rough framework; each child develops at their own pace.

Ages 0–2

Babies do not understand death as a concept; however, they feel the absence of the caregiver and the emotional change at home. Restlessness, disruption in sleep and feeding patterns, and more crying may be seen. The most important thing in this period is to maintain routine and physical closeness.

Ages 3–5

Preschool children usually think of death as temporary and reversible. They may ask "When is Grandad coming back?" over and over. Magical thinking is common at this age; the child may believe that the death happened because of their own thought or behaviour ("I was cross with him, so he died"). They need concrete and brief explanations.

Ages 6–9

Children of this age begin to understand that death is permanent. However, they may find it hard to grasp that death could also happen to themselves or to those they love, or, on the contrary, they may experience intense anxiety about it. They may ask detailed and concrete questions about death: "Is he cold in the grave?", "Can't he breathe?" Although these questions are hard for adults, they show that the child is trying to understand.

Ages 10–13 and adolescence

In this period children understand death in a way close to adults. They begin to think about the effects of the loss on their own lives, the future and questions of meaning. Teenagers may prefer to share their feelings with peers, may seem to be drifting away from their families, or may hide their feelings in order to look strong. At this age it is important to respect the young person's wish to be alone, but also to keep the door open.

What Are the Signs of Grief in Children?

Children can show their grief in very different ways. The reactions below are common in the weeks and months after a loss, and most are part of a natural grieving process:

• Sadness, crying, missing the person who has died
• Outbursts of anger, restlessness, more frequent fights with siblings
• Separation anxiety: not wanting to leave a parent, difficulty going to school
• Sleep problems, nightmares, being unable to sleep alone
• Physical complaints such as stomach ache and headache
• Regression: returning to behaviours typical of younger ages (thumb sucking, bedwetting, baby talk)
• Difficulty with attention and concentration at school, a drop in grades
• Worries about their own death or their parents' death
• Guilt: the thought "Was it because of me?"
• Seeming not to react at all

The last item often worries parents. But a child not reacting in the early days does not mean they are not experiencing the loss. Some children express their feelings later, when they feel safe.

How Do You Explain Death to a Child? Step-by-Step Tips

1. Have a close adult give the news as soon as possible

The child should not learn of the loss from someone else or by overhearing. It is important that the news is given by a parent the child trusts or a close adult, in a calm and private setting.

2. Use clear and concrete words

Phrases such as "He fell asleep", "He's gone on a long journey" or "We lost him" can confuse children. There may be children who become afraid of sleeping, who worry that a parent who goes on a journey won't come back, or who try to look for the "lost" person. Instead, it is healthier to use the word "died" and to explain simply what death means.

For example, a five-year-old could be told: "Your grandad was very ill. The doctors tried very hard, but his body doesn't work any more. Your grandad has died. Because he has died, he doesn't breathe any more, he doesn't eat, and he doesn't feel pain or cold. He won't come back again. This is very sad, and I'm very sad too."

3. Share your family's beliefs, but don't neglect the concrete explanation

In Turkey, many families explain death within a religious and spiritual framework. Explanations such as "Our grandad is now in paradise" can offer comfort to the child if they are in line with the family's values. But because young children may understand abstract expressions in a concrete way, it is important to add to these explanations the simple information that the body no longer works.

4. Answer questions honestly and briefly

Children may ask the same question again and again. This shows that they are trying to understand. Give patient, short and consistent answers. If it is a question you don't know the answer to, saying "I don't know that either" is also an honest answer.

5. Relieve feelings of guilt

Especially with young children, say it clearly: "This did not happen because of anything you thought or did."

6. Don't hide your own feelings

Crying in front of a child is not harmful. On the contrary, it shows that sadness is a natural feeling that can be shared. An explanation such as "I'm crying because I miss Grandad so much. I feel a bit better after crying" gives the child permission to express their feelings. However, if there is an uncontrolled collapse in front of the child, it may help for another adult to accompany the child.

7. Offer choices about funeral and condolence rituals

Attending the funeral and the condolence visits can be an opportunity to say goodbye for some children. Before attending, explain what will happen there and that people may cry; give the child a choice about whether to attend and make sure a trusted adult is with them. In crowded condolence visits, it is also important that there is a quiet space where the child can rest.

It is not possible to protect a child from pain, but it is possible not to leave them alone with it.

How Can You Support a Child During the Grieving Process?

Keep routines

Maintaining daily order as far as possible, such as sleep, meal and school times, gives the child the message that life goes on and that they are safe. It is usually helpful not to postpone returning to school for too long; informing the teacher is also important.

Make room for remembering

Talking about memories of the person who has died, looking at photographs, preparing a memory box, or writing a letter or drawing a picture for them helps the child to keep their connection in a healthy way. Small rituals such as "Shall we make Grandad's favourite dish together today?" can be meaningful.

Allow play

Seeing death themes in a child's play may worry parents; however, this is usually the child's way of processing what they have been through. Rather than banning the play, stay beside them and observe. Our article on what play therapy is explains why play is so important for children.

Be prepared for special days

Religious holidays, birthdays and anniversaries of the death can be difficult for the child. Doing something small as a family on these days to remember the person who died makes it easier for the child to share their feelings.

Communication with the extended family and community

In Turkey, grief is often experienced in a crowd: houses fill with people coming to offer condolences, relatives stay for days, and the child hears the different explanations of many adults. One aunt may say "Your mum is watching you from above" while another says "Don't cry, your mum will be sad". These contradictory messages can confuse the child. It helps to briefly share with close relatives what the child has been told and to ask them to use the same language. Also be careful about sentences such as "You're the man of the house now" or "You'll look after your mum", which place responsibility on the child beyond their age. A child must be able to remain a child during grief as well.

Work with the school

Telling the class teacher or the school counsellor about the loss helps the child's reactions at school to be understood correctly. The teacher can approach the child's distractedness or sudden moments of crying with more understanding, and can make small adjustments in the classroom so that the child feels safe.

Look after yourself too

A grieving parent is trying to support a grieving child at the same time. This can be very tiring. Getting support for your own grief enables you to accompany your child better.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Most grief reactions soften over time and with the family's support. However, it may be helpful to seek support from a child psychologist in the following situations:

• If intense sadness, anxiety or anger does not decrease, or even increases, after months have passed
• If the child refuses to go to school for a long time, or withdraws completely from friends and activities they enjoy
• If sleep and appetite problems continue markedly
• If the child constantly blames themselves or says they want to be with the person who died
• If the loss happened suddenly, violently or traumatically (such as an accident, an earthquake or a suicide)
• If the child repeatedly relives images or memories of the loss, or has nightmares

If your child talks about harming themselves or wanting to die, take this seriously and in an emergency call 112 (Turkey's emergency services). For reactions that can be seen after traumatic loss, our article on post-traumatic stress disorder offers additional information.

How Is Grief in Children Addressed in Therapy?

In working with grieving children, the aim is not to remove the pain but to help the child make sense of the loss in an age-appropriate way and express their feelings safely.

With young children, child and play therapy is often the preferred approach. In the play room, through toys, puppets and drawing materials, the child can express feelings they cannot put into words. The therapist reflects the child's feelings without directing their play and offers a safe relationship.

With older children and adolescents, talk-based methods, memory work and cognitive behavioural techniques can be used. In traumatic losses, trauma-focused approaches may come into play. Sessions with parents are very important in this process: parents are guided on how they can answer the child's questions, what kind of atmosphere they can create at home and how they can cope with their own grief.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should a child be taken to the funeral?

There is no single right answer. If the child is told in advance what will happen there and is asked whether they want to attend, they can make the choice that suits them. If they attend, it is important that a trusted adult is with them and that they can leave whenever they wish.

Is it harmful to cry in front of a child?

No. Sharing sadness in front of a child shows them that feelings are natural and can be expressed. What matters is making the child feel, after you have cried, that you are still there for them and that you can protect them.

How long does grief last in children?

There is no set period for grief in children. Intense reactions usually decrease over time; however, as the child grows they may think about the loss again, and feelings may revive on special days. This is natural. If the reactions seriously affect daily life for a long time, specialist support can be considered.

How do you explain the death of a pet to a child?

The death of a pet may be a child's first significant loss and should be taken seriously. Explaining what happened in clear and honest language, not belittling the child's sadness and, if they wish, holding a small farewell ceremony help the child go through this loss in a healthy way.

• #grief
• #loss
• #death
• #child psychology

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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