As an earthquake anniversary approaches, grief and fear can flare up again. Read ideas for understanding anniversary reactions and preparing for those days.
In the last week of January, something changes. Before you even look at the calendar, your body knows: you lose sleep, you wake often at night, and in the mornings there is a heaviness inside you that you cannot explain. Then the first trailers for remembrance programmes start on television, and photos of that night begin circulating again on social media. An earthquake anniversary is a time when the pain comes back to life for many people who lived through the earthquake, lost loved ones or watched those days from afar. In this article we talk about why anniversary reactions arise, the forms they can take, and how you can enter those days better prepared.
Why Does an Earthquake Anniversary Bring the Pain Back to Life?
There is a phenomenon in psychology known as the "anniversary reaction": as the anniversary of a traumatic event or a significant loss approaches, a person may once again intensely feel the emotions, thoughts and bodily reactions they experienced at that time. This does not mean that healing has gone backwards; it has to do with how memory works.
Several factors feed the anniversary reaction:
- Seasonal cues: The cold weather, the short days, the light and smell of those weeks are powerful reminders for the brain. The body recognises the season before the calendar does.
- Social reminders: News, remembrance programmes, documentaries and social media posts take a person back to those days whether they want it or not.
- Unfinished grief: If there was no opportunity to grieve after the loss, for example if waiting at the rubble, funeral arrangements and the scramble for shelter left no room for it, the anniversary may be a time when these postponed feelings rise to the surface.
- The pressure that "it should be over by now": This expectation, whether it comes from others or from the person themselves, adds shame and guilt to the pain that has come back to life.
An important reminder: being shaken again at the anniversary does not mean you have not made progress. Many people struggle through this period and then recover again.
The Anniversary Reaction: Which Feelings and Symptoms Can Appear?
Anniversary reactions can begin days or even weeks beforehand and vary greatly from person to person:
- Sadness, bouts of crying, longing
- Restlessness, tension, being more easily startled
- Sleep problems, waking at the time the earthquake happened
- Nightmares, or memories of that night coming to mind unbidden
- Anger, irritability, impatience
- Guilt: "Why did I survive?", "I could have done more"
- Physical complaints: headaches, stomach problems, fatigue
- Withdrawing from people, or on the contrary being unable to be alone
- Watching news and remembrance content non-stop, or avoiding it completely
Most of these reactions gradually ease within a few days or weeks after the anniversary has passed. In some people, however, they can last a long time; in that case more support may be needed.
The Earthquake Anniversary and Grief: For Those Who Have Suffered Loss
For someone who lost a loved one in an earthquake, the anniversary is also the anniversary of a death. But some features set this anniversary apart from other losses.
First, this loss is part of a collective disaster. The person's private pain resurfaces every year as a public matter on screens, in newspapers and at official commemorations. For some, this can be a comfort in which the pain is shared and acknowledged; for others, it can create the feeling that their private grief has been taken from them and lost in the crowd.
Second, earthquake losses are often accompanied by difficult questions: Why did the building collapse? Why did the rescue teams arrive late? What would have happened if something had been done differently? These questions keep feelings of anger and injustice alive and can complicate the grieving process.
In addition, the first year is full of "firsts": the first religious festival without the person who was lost, the first birthday, the first wedding, the first New Year. Many people arrive at the first anniversary carrying the fatigue these firsts have built up. At the second and later anniversaries, the pain usually takes on a different tone; it is experienced as a less sharp but still deep longing. Some people say the second year is harder, because the shock and the crowds of the first year have dispersed and the loss has settled in its full reality.
Third, survivor's guilt is common. Thoughts such as "I got out, they couldn't" or "I should have been with them that night" can intensify again at the anniversary. We discuss how to cope with this feeling in detail in our article on survivor's guilt. To understand the general course of grief, our article on the grieving process can accompany you.
Crying again at the anniversary does not mean that grief has started over. As long as love continues, longing continues too; the anniversary is the day this love is remembered most.
Anniversaries in Turkey: 17 August, 6 February and Collective Memory
In Turkey, earthquake anniversaries carry a collective as well as a personal meaning. The 17 August 1999 Marmara earthquake is still alive in the memory of a generation; many people who lived through that night remember the sound and smell of that hot night every August. The 6 February 2023 earthquakes left deep marks on the lives of a great many families across a much wider area. Commemorations held at the hour of the earthquake in the cities of the affected region make society's shared pain visible.
This collective memory can have a two-way effect at anniversaries. On one hand, sharing the pain and feeling that you are not alone is healing. On the other, intense media coverage, rubble images shared on social media and the debates around them can be retraumatising, especially for those directly affected.
In addition, for families who have migrated from the earthquake region to other cities, the anniversary can be a day of loneliness spent far from home, unable to attend the commemorations. People living abroad who lost loved ones carry this burden from even further away.
Preparing for the Anniversary: Practical Suggestions
Plan the day in advance
Rather than leaving how the anniversary will go to chance, think about it beforehand. Do you want to work that day, or take time off? Do you want to be among people, or alone? A visit to the cemetery, attending a commemoration, or a quiet day at home: thinking about which would do you good and making a plan reduces the anxiety that uncertainty creates.
Choose your own way of remembering
Remembering the person you lost in your own way can give meaning to grief. Cooking a dish they loved, doing a charitable act, writing a letter, looking at their photos or planting a tree in their name, for example. You do not have to attend public commemorations; the ritual that is meaningful for you is the right one.
Limit your media exposure
During the anniversary week, consciously limit your use of news and social media. Rubble images and videos of those days can retrigger your body's alarm system. To notice which triggers affect you most, our article on trauma triggers can also offer guidance.
Try not to be alone
Spending the anniversary with people you trust makes it possible to share and lighten the pain. Tell those close to you in advance that this period is hard for you, and say what you need: perhaps just someone calling to ask how you are, perhaps sharing a meal together.
Take care of your body
During anniversary periods, sleep, eating and movement easily fall out of rhythm. Regular meals, short walks, a calming routine before bed and breathing exercises help lower the body's alarm level.
Approach yourself with compassion
Instead of asking "So much time has passed, why am I still like this?", try saying "I suffered an important loss, and this day reminds me of it." Allowing your feelings is far more healing than suppressing them.
Let your work and school circle know
Knowing that during the anniversary week your attention may be scattered and your energy low helps you adjust your expectations of yourself. Briefly telling a manager or colleague you trust that this period is hard for you can lighten the load. If your child goes to school, it also helps to let their teacher know that your family has suffered a loss and that the child may be more sensitive during the anniversary week.
Plan for after the anniversary too
Put small, comforting activities into the days after the anniversary as well: meeting a friend, a short trip somewhere you love. This reminds the mind that life goes on.
Let us say a teacher who lost her mother in Hatay and now lives in Mersin does not know what to do on the first anniversary. She wants to go back home for the commemoration but is afraid of seeing those streets. In the end she decides to cook her mother's favourite lentil soup that morning, to remember their mother on a video call with her siblings, and to walk by the sea in the afternoon. The day is not easy; she cries several times; but because she spent the day in a way she chose, she feels a kind of calm inside in the evening.
How Can You Support a Loved One on the Anniversary?
If you know someone close to you is struggling with an earthquake anniversary, the following can be supportive:
- Showing that you remember the day: "I know today is hard for you; you're on my mind."
- Not shying away from saying the name of the person they lost. Many grieving people fear that their loved ones will be forgotten.
- Listening rather than giving advice.
- Offering practical help: bringing food, looking after the children, going to the cemetery together.
- Avoiding phrases such as "It's time to move on" or "Life goes on".
It is also important that support is not limited to the anniversary itself. On the day, the phone often does not stop ringing and messages arrive one after another; the following week, everyone goes back to their own lives. Calling again a few days after the anniversary is a small but valuable gesture that lets your loved one feel they have not been forgotten.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Struggling during anniversary periods is natural. However, you might consider professional support in the following situations:
- Reactions remain intense even weeks after the anniversary has passed
- Every year, as the anniversary approaches, your functioning is seriously disrupted
- Intense feelings of guilt, worthlessness or hopelessness have become dominant
- Nightmares, sudden memories and a constant state of alertness affect your daily life
- Alcohol or substance use has increased
- Thoughts have appeared that life is meaningless, or a wish to be reunited with the person you lost
In emergencies, such as thoughts of harming yourself, call 112 (emergency services) without delay. If you feel your grief has turned into a depressive picture, support in the area of depression and mood is available face to face or online.
How Are Anniversary Reactions Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, anniversary reactions are worked on within a framework that addresses both the person's grief and their traumatic experience together.
Grief work supports accepting the reality of the loss, rebuilding the continuing bond with the person who was lost in a meaningful way, and reconnecting with life. Grief is approached not as forgetting but as finding a place for the loss within life.
Trauma-focused cognitive behavioural therapy aims to process the intense fear, guilt and avoidance linked to memories of the earthquake at the person's own pace and in a safe setting. Guilt-laden thoughts such as "I could have saved them" are re-evaluated within the real circumstances of that moment.
Anniversary planning can be worked on concretely in therapy. Together, therapist and client create a support plan for the anniversary week: which triggers to protect against, which rituals to carry out, whom to ask for support, and what to do when things get hard.
Meaning and values work helps the person rediscover what matters in their life after the loss. For some people, keeping alive the values of the loved one they lost becomes an important way of making grief bearable.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it better to attend the commemoration on the anniversary or to stay away?
There is no answer that holds for everyone. For some people, collective commemorations are a way of sharing pain and feeling that they are not alone; for others they can be too intense and triggering. Listen to yourself and choose what will do you good; a smaller, personal act of remembrance is equally valuable.
Years have passed. Is it normal that I'm still so affected?
Yes. Many people experience intense feelings at anniversaries even years later. This is a sign of the bond you feel with the person you love or with the experience you went through. However, if these reactions bring your life to a halt for weeks every year, seeking support may be helpful.
Is it wrong to laugh or enjoy a good moment on the anniversary?
No. Grief and joy can exist side by side on the same day. Laughing at a memory while remembering the person you lost, or sharing a good moment with your loved ones, does not mean you have forgotten them; on the contrary, it shows that life and love go on.
How should I explain the earthquake anniversary to my child?
Speak in short, honest language suited to their age: "Today we remember that big earthquake and the people we lost." Answer the child's questions calmly and limit their exposure to intense images. You can create small rituals the child can take part in to remember the person who was lost together, such as drawing a picture or telling a memory of them.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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