How is losing a mother experienced in adulthood? Read about common grief reactions, the changes it brings within the family and ways to carry this pain.
Have you ever picked up your phone, about to dial the number you called every evening, and stopped? The moment you realise that the question "Are you coming for breakfast?" will no longer come on Sunday mornings, the day you understand that there is no one left to ask for a recipe... Losing a mother, whatever your age, is a loss that suddenly leaves the child inside you alone. Someone who loses their mother at forty or at sixty can feel deeply that "I am no longer anyone's child". In this article I will look at what is particular about losing your mother in adulthood, the changes this grief creates within the family, and ways of making the pain a little more bearable.
Why Does Losing a Mother Shake Us So Deeply?
For most of us, our mother is the first person through whom we connect to the world. Her voice, her smell and her touch are the first source from which we learn, from infancy onwards, what safety is. That is why losing her is like losing not just a person but a ground whose existence we never questioned.
An adult may not see their mother every day, and may not receive financial or practical support from her. Even so, a mother's presence is like a safeguard working quietly in the background: someone you can call if something happens, someone who will listen to you unconditionally. When this safeguard disappears, many people describe feeling unexpectedly vulnerable and rootless.
Losing a mother is also a change of identity. You or your siblings are now the eldest generation of the family. Questions such as who will lay the table at the bayram (religious holiday), who will hold the family together and who will keep the bundle of linens handed down from your grandmother suddenly appear in front of you in the middle of your grief.
Age does not lessen the weight of the loss
The sentence "Your mother was old, she lived her life", even when said with good intentions, can leave a grieving person feeling isolated. Your mother having died at eighty does not mean you will miss her any less. In fact, the emptiness that follows a long life together can be wider than expected.
News that arrives when you are far away
For those who live in another city or abroad, losing a mother often begins with a phone call. Searching for a plane ticket, the hours spent travelling and wondering whether you will make it to the funeral turn the first moments of grief into a rush. A person who returns to their own city after the funeral may struggle to grasp the loss because they do not see their mother's absence in their everyday life. The feeling that "she's still there, she'll open the door when I go" can last longer for those living far away.
Grief Reactions in People Who Have Lost Their Mother
Grief speaks a different language for everyone. Even so, there are some experiences that adults going through the loss of a mother commonly describe:
- Sudden pangs triggered by habits: Seeing her favourite fruit at the supermarket, glancing at your phone at the time she used to call, wanting to tell her good news first and then hesitating.
- Physical reactions: Heaviness in the chest, tiredness, changes in appetite and sleep, falling ill often.
- Guilt: "I should have visited more often", "I should have been with her on that last night in hospital", "That day I was angry with her..." I have discussed these thoughts in detail in the article on grief and guilt.
- Anger: At the doctors, at siblings, even at your mother herself: "Why didn't she look after herself?"
- Feeling like a child again: Feeling small, unprotected and in need of care.
- Starting to resemble her: Seeing your mother's expression in the mirror, hearing her words come out of your own mouth; this sometimes brings comfort, sometimes sadness.
Let's say that a few months after your mother's death you are sitting in the hall at your daughter's school performance. While everyone applauds, you notice that your mother, who used to film every performance, is not there this time, and you cannot hold back your tears. Moments like these can come out of nowhere even at a time when you thought your grief was "over". This does not mean you are going backwards; it is the loss showing up again in different corners of life.
Life Without Your Mother: Shifting Balances in the Family
In many families, the mother is an invisible connector. She is often the one who binds the siblings together, softens quarrels and gathers everyone around the same table at the bayram. When she is gone, the family's network of communication is shaken too.
New roles between siblings: Who will look after your father, what will happen to the house, how will her belongings be shared? These questions can turn into tension during the grieving period. The sibling who took on your mother's care for years may feel angry at the others' "belated" grief; the sibling who lives far away may feel guilty and excluded.
The remaining parent: If your father is still alive, his loneliness may be added to your burden. Grieving your own mother on the one hand while supporting a father who has lost his wife on the other may leave no room for your own feelings.
Mothers-in-law, grandmothers and other mother figures: Some people grow closer to their mother-in-law or aunt after losing their mother; others become even lonelier as they realise these relationships cannot take their mother's place. Both reactions are understandable.
Holidays and special days: A mother's absence is felt most at the first bayram, the first Mother's Day and on her birthday. Having no one whose hand to kiss at Kurban Bayramı (the Feast of Sacrifice) or Ramazan Bayramı (the festival marking the end of Ramadan) changes the family's rituals. Talking in advance about how you will spend this first holiday can help; you can find suggestions on this in the article on the first holiday after a loss.
Becoming a mother without your mother
For women who are expecting a baby or have recently become mothers after losing their own mother, the absence is felt in an entirely different way. In our culture, it is often the mother who stays with her daughter during the postnatal period, counts the traditional forty days and gives the baby its first bath. The lack of this support creates both a practical gap and a deep sadness: "I couldn't share this moment with her." Women who find themselves with questions they want to ask their mother while raising their own child may experience the loss again, years later and from a different place. Asking for support from a relative, a friend or a professional you trust during this period may not fill the gap completely, but it reduces the loneliness.
Grief after a complicated relationship
Not everyone has a warm and close relationship with their mother. Grief after a critical, distant or hurtful mother is often more confusing. You may both miss her and be angry; feel sad and at the same time feel relief. Feelings such as "I was never the child she wanted" or "I will now never receive the love I hoped for from her" are part of the loss. In this case you may be grieving not only your mother but also a mother-child relationship that never got to exist.
The Emptiness After a Long Period of Caregiving
Many adults lose their mother after an illness that lasted months or even years. Nights spent in hospital corridors, medication times, doctor's appointments and care given at home gradually settle at the centre of life. With death, this intense routine suddenly stops.
At this point, a person loses not only their mother but also the caregiving role that had given them meaning in recent times. The answer to the question "What do I need to do today?" when waking up in the morning is suddenly empty. Some people sleep for days on end in deep exhaustion during this period; others cannot bear the emptiness and bury themselves in work or other responsibilities.
The relief felt at the end of a period of care is also a common but rarely discussed emotion. The lightness brought by the thought "She is no longer suffering" can be followed immediately by the guilt of "How can I feel relieved?" Yet this relief is a human response to the end of your mother's suffering and to the easing of a burden you have carried for a long time; it does not show that your love was lacking.
What Can You Do to Cope With Losing a Mother?
You cannot set the pace of grief; but you do have some choices about how you accompany it.
Create rituals that belong to her
Cooking a dish your mother loved on her special day, digitising her recipe notebook, occasionally visiting the market she used to go to: these are ways of continuing the bond in a new form. The aim is not to forget her but to make a new place for her in your life.
Preserve her voice and stories
Many people come to fear forgetting their mother's voice over time. Backing up the voice messages on your phone, writing down the childhood stories she told, and gathering memories of her from relatives ease this fear. If you have children, sharing these stories with them keeps their grandmother's place in the family.
Write down what you couldn't tell her
If you did not get the chance to say goodbye, or if the things you wanted to say were left unfinished, writing a letter to your mother may help. You don't have to show this letter to anyone; you can read it when you visit her grave or simply keep it in a drawer.
Talk openly with your siblings
It is healthier to discuss practical matters such as inheritance, the house and care not, if possible, in the most intense first weeks of grief, but after some time has passed. When you talk, using sentences that describe your own burden instead of accusing statements such as "You were never there" helps protect family ties.
Look after your body
People who lose their mother after a long illness have often neglected their own health for months. Having the check-ups you have postponed, eating regularly and paying attention to your sleep help you keep the strength to carry the weight of grief.
Don't suppress your feelings
The thought "I'm the head of the family now, I mustn't cry" is common, especially among eldest children. Remember that grieving is not a sign of weakness towards anyone, and that your children will also learn something from seeing your sadness.
Don't compare your grief with others'
Your sibling may have gone back to work within a week while you are still struggling to get up in the mornings. This does not mean that one of you loved your mother more. You can read about the reactions generally seen after a loss in the article on the grief process.
Losing your mother is losing the first witness to your own story; yet it is still possible to keep telling that story.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Being sad, tired and distracted for months after losing a mother is a natural part of grief. However, in some situations it may be helpful to get support:
- If, even after months, you are having marked difficulty with your daily tasks, going to work or looking after your children,
- If you are struggling to accept your mother's death and feel that she will come back,
- If your guilt occupies you every day and does not ease,
- If you feel that life has lost its meaning and you cannot enjoy anything,
- If conflicts within the family are preventing you from living through your grief,
- If there are moments when you think about dying to be reunited with her or about harming yourself.
If the last point applies to you, do not carry this thought alone; in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department. If you think grief and depression have become intertwined, an assessment by a psychiatrist can also be included in the process.
How Is Losing a Mother Addressed in Therapy?
Grief therapy offers a space not for leaving your mother behind but for being able to rejoin life while continuing your bond with her in a new form.
In therapy, work generally focuses on the following:
- Telling the story of the loss: Sharing memories of the illness, the last days and saying goodbye, at your own pace.
- Working with the "if onlys": Re-evaluating the thoughts that feed guilt together with the real circumstances you were in at the time.
- Looking at the relationship as a whole: Being able to talk about both the loving moments and the hurts with your mother; if the relationship was complicated, making room for words that were never said.
- Making sense of your new role: Talking about the weight of being the eldest in the family and of supporting your father or siblings, and setting your boundaries.
- Continuing the bond: Exploring how you want to carry your mother's values, habits and words in your life.
Cognitive behavioural therapy is one of the approaches used to address the patterns of avoidance and guilt that make grief harder. You can find information about situations in which depression accompanies grief on the depression and mood page.
Frequently Asked Questions
I'm afraid of forgetting my mother's voice. Is this normal?
Yes, many people who lose their mother experience this fear. A voice can fade in memory over time; yet her words, her laughter and what she gave you continue to live on in different ways. Keeping recordings and continuing to talk about her helps ease this fear.
My mother and I didn't get along, so why am I suffering so much?
Grief after a complicated relationship is also real and deep. You may have lost not only the person but also the relationship you hoped to build with her one day. Anger and longing existing side by side does not mean your grief is false.
How long does an adult's grief for their mother last?
There is no set time. The first year, the first holidays and the anniversaries are usually the hardest periods; over time the intensity of the pain lessens for most people, and living with the longing becomes more possible. If your daily functioning keeps declining as the months pass, you may consider seeking support.
How should I tell my children about their grandmother's death?
It is important to use language that is clear, honest and suited to their age; expressions such as "she has gone on a long journey" can confuse children. Answering their questions patiently and letting them see that you are sad too teaches them that grief is something that can be shared. If marked changes in sleep, school or behaviour persist, you can seek a professional's opinion.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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