Losing a Spouse: The Grief of Widowhood and Holding On to Life Again

How does losing a spouse change your daily life, identity and relationships? Read about the grief of being widowed and ways of holding on to life again.

Taking out two plates at dinner and putting one back. Waking at night and reaching out to the other side of the bed. The person with whom you carried the bills, the medication times, the children's birthdays and who would call which relative for years is no longer here. Losing a spouse means losing not only a loved person but a whole daily life built together, a shared past and an imagined future. Whether at the end of a thirty-year marriage or in a young marriage of only a few years, this loss can lead a person to question who they are all over again. In this article I will look at what follows the loss of a spouse, the social and practical burdens of being widowed, and the possible ways of holding on to life again.

Why Is Losing a Spouse So Shattering?

In adult life, a spouse is often the person we spend the most time with and share the most with. Many decisions, from who makes the morning coffee to holiday plans, from the children's education to retirement dreams, have been made together with them. That is why a spouse's death creates an emptiness in almost every area of life.

There are several reasons that make this loss particularly shattering:

• Traces in every corner of daily life: Your spouse's absence is felt not only on days of remembrance but every morning, at every meal and every night as you go to bed.
• A change of identity: Someone who has thought of themselves as "we" for years suddenly has to learn to be "I" again.
• Secondary losses: Along with the spouse, the shared circle of friends, income, household routine, social status and plans for the future may also change.
• Memories that can no longer be shared: The only person you could ask "Do you remember?" when a memory comes back is no longer here.

Losing a spouse at a young age

Being widowed young creates a particular loneliness, because it happens at a time when peers are just getting married and having children. The person may have been left alone with small children; they grieve themselves while trying to accompany their children's grief. People around them may pull away because they do not know what to say. Sentences such as "You're still young, you'll marry again" are felt as a burden that belittles the loss.

Losing a spouse later in life

For couples who have shared a long life, the loss often coincides with the person's own health problems and a shrinking social circle. The children may live in other cities. The absence of the spouse with whom you went for walks, went to the market and watched the evening news can make the silence of the house unbearable. I have discussed the loneliness and low mood seen in later life separately in the article on depression in older age.

Common Feelings and Reactions After Losing a Spouse

Grief comes in waves. It is normal to feel relatively well one day and then hit rock bottom again the next because of a smell or a song.

• Intense longing: Hearing your spouse's voice, thinking you see them in a crowd, waiting as if a message from them will arrive on your phone.
• Loneliness: The feeling that "there's no one left who really understands me", even within a large family.
• Fear and insecurity: Especially in people who left financial matters, household maintenance or official procedures to their spouse, the worry "How will I manage all this?"
• Anger: At the spouse for not looking after themselves, at the doctors, or with the feeling that "they left me alone".
• Guilt: Arguments in the final days, words left unsaid, or the relief felt at the end of a long period of care.
• Physical effects: Sleep problems, loss of appetite, weakened immunity, worsening of chronic illnesses.

Let's say your spouse used to brew tea on the balcony every evening. After losing them, you cannot go out onto the balcony for months. One day you hear the clink of tea glasses from your neighbour's balcony and suddenly burst into tears. This is grief rising again through an unexpected trigger, and it does not mean you are "going backwards".

How Does the Manner of Death Affect Grief?

How you lost your spouse markedly shapes the first months of your grief.

After a long illness: During years spent with cancer, heart failure or a progressive illness, many people become both their spouse's life partner and their carer. Hospital beds, medication lists and night watches settle at the centre of the final period of the marriage. With death, this routine suddenly empties; the person experiences deep exhaustion on the one hand and, on the other, the emptiness of "I no longer have anyone to look after". Their own health problems, postponed during the period of care, may also emerge at this time.

After a sudden loss: For someone who loses their spouse in a traffic accident, a heart attack or an unexpected event, the first reaction is often shock and disbelief. A spouse who leaves home in the morning and never returns, an argument left unfinished or a goodbye never said can add a traumatic burden to grief. In these people, reactions such as images of the moment of death and startling when the phone rings are seen more often.

In both cases the grief is real; it simply arrives by different paths and may need different kinds of support.

Being Widowed in Turkey: Social Attitudes and Practical Burdens

In our culture, the loss of a spouse is lived within family and neighbourhood relationships. In the first days the house fills with relatives and neighbours; meals are cooked and mevlits (religious memorial gatherings) are held. This solidarity is very valuable. However, after the fortieth day, when life returns to its usual flow for everyone else, the real loneliness begins for the person who has been widowed.

For women: Widowed women sometimes find themselves closely watched by those around them. What they wear, whom they meet and when they laugh may be talked about. Judgements such as "Before the forty days are even over..." make it harder for a woman to live her own grief freely. Some women also experience new tensions in their relationships with their spouse's family; boundaries with the mother-in-law and father-in-law may need to be redrawn over matters such as inheritance or custody of the children.

For men: Men who lose their wife may struggle seriously in daily life, especially if their wife ran most of the household and social relationships. Cooking, dealing with the children's school matters and keeping up ties with relatives suddenly become their responsibility. Men who are not used to sharing their feelings may keep their grief inside, and their loneliness may go unnoticed from the outside.

A shared circle of friends: Friends who were seen as a couple may, after a while, stop inviting the widowed person. The person may feel "incomplete" at crowded tables. This social narrowing deepens the loneliness that accompanies grief. I have described this feeling in more detail in the article on feelings of loneliness.

Practical problems: Matters such as bank accounts, probate procedures, applying for a survivor's pension, and rent or loan payments pile up in front of the person during the most intense period of grief. At a time of rising living costs, being left with a single income can add serious financial worry on top of the loss.

Rebuilding Daily Life After Losing a Spouse

Rebuilding daily life after losing a spouse does not mean "forgetting" grief. On the contrary, it means looking for ways to carry on your own life while carrying your spouse's memory.

Give your days a little structure

In the first months of grief, the hours can lose their meaning. Getting up at a set time in the morning, going for a short walk and keeping to mealtimes prevent the day from passing entirely in a void. There is no need to set big goals; small steps such as "Today I'll go to the shop and call a friend" are enough.

Learn to ask for help

If you are struggling with tasks your spouse used to take on, don't hesitate to tell your children, siblings or a friend you trust. A nephew accompanying you to deal with the bank, or a neighbour bringing a meal once a week, is both practical and emotional support.

Don't rush decisions about the home

Many people want to sell the house, move in with their children or go to another city after losing their spouse. These decisions may sometimes be right; however, major decisions taken in the first months of grief can later lead to regret. If possible, waiting for a while lets you weigh up the options with a calm mind.

Prepare for days of remembrance

Your wedding anniversary, your spouse's birthday and the anniversary of their death can be days when grief intensifies again. Thinking in advance about how you want to spend these days and asking your loved ones for support makes things easier. You can find suggestions for these days in the article on the anniversary of a death.

Return to your own interests

A pastime you postponed or never tried during your marriage, a course or a volunteering activity can bring you together with people again. This is not leaving your spouse behind but continuing a life they would probably have wanted for you too.

Connect with people who have had a similar loss

Talking with a neighbour, a relative or an acquaintance from the neighbourhood who has also lost their spouse can give a sense of being understood that no other conversation offers. Someone who says "In the first year I couldn't switch off the television in the evenings either" shows you that what you are going through is not strange or exaggerated. Activities run by municipalities or civil society organisations for older people and the bereaved can also be a door to forming such connections.

Loving again is not a betrayal

After a while, perhaps years later, the wish to form a close bond with someone again may arise. For many people this wish creates guilt and social pressure. A new relationship does not erase the love you felt for your late spouse; the heart can make room for more than one love. The timing and form of this decision belong to you alone.

The life you built with your spouse may have ended; but the love you shared with them continues to live within your life.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Losing a spouse is one of the heaviest losses a person can experience, and prolonged sadness is normal. However, it may be helpful to see a professional in the following situations:

• If, months later, eating, looking after yourself or leaving the house has become very difficult,
• If the loss still feels unreal and you are waiting for your spouse to come back,
• If you have withdrawn completely and do not want to see anyone,
• If your use of alcohol or sleeping pills has increased,
• If you are having marked difficulty looking after your children or continuing your work,
• If thoughts such as "I wish I had gone with them" or "There's no point in my living any more" often come to mind.

If the last point applies to you, do not carry these thoughts alone. In an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department. Opening up to one of your loved ones about these thoughts is also an important step. If sleeplessness and low mood are very marked, whether medication is needed is determined through an assessment by a psychiatrist.

How Is the Loss of a Spouse Addressed in Therapy?

Therapy offers a space where you can talk about the pain of losing your spouse without being judged, while also building your new life step by step.

In therapy, work generally focuses on the following:

• The story of the loss: Telling, at your own pace, what you went through during your spouse's illness or death, the last days and the goodbye.
• The relationship as a whole: Being able to talk about the good sides of the marriage along with its difficult periods, the hurts and the things left unsaid.
• The shift from "we" to "I": Rediscovering your own wishes, values and strength.
• Working with avoidance and withdrawal: Noticing how staying away from places and people that remind you of your spouse is narrowing your life, and taking gradual steps.
• Practical problem-solving: Making concrete plans to cope with new responsibilities.
• Guilt and permission to live again: Being able to accept that laughing, enjoying yourself or forming new bonds is not a betrayal of your spouse.

Cognitive behavioural therapy is one of the approaches used to address the patterns of thinking and behaviour that feed the turning of grief into depression. You can find information about the low mood that accompanies grief on the depression and mood page.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should my relationship with my spouse's family be like?

Your spouse's family has also lost a child or a sibling; that is why, in the early period, your griefs may become intertwined. Some families grow closer, while in others tensions may arise over inheritance, contact with grandchildren or memorial ceremonies. Recognising the shared grief while expressing your boundaries about your own decisions kindly but clearly helps protect this relationship.

Why has the way people around me look at me changed since I was widowed?

People around you often do not know how to face grief, so they either become too intrusive or pull away. Social expectations can also impose invisible rules on the widowed person, especially on women. Turning towards the relationships that do you good and stating your needs clearly helps during this process.

Is feeling drawn to someone new a betrayal of my spouse?

No. The wish for a new closeness does not mean that the love you felt for your spouse has ended. This decision belongs to you alone and can be made in its own time, at your own pace. If you feel guilty, talking about this feeling with someone you trust or with a professional may help.

I keep thinking "I want to die with them". What does this mean?

After losing a spouse, thoughts like this can arise as a reflection of intense pain and longing; however, they are a sign that needs to be taken seriously. It is important to share these thoughts with someone close to you or with a mental health professional. If at any moment you do not feel safe, call 112 (emergency services) without delay.

• #losing a spouse
• #widowhood
• #spousal bereavement
• #loneliness

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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