Widowhood Abroad: Losing a Spouse Far From Home and Grieving

Losing a spouse abroad brings grief, loneliness, the question of staying or returning, and practical burdens. Learn how you can support yourself through it.

You set out together. Perhaps years ago for work, perhaps for your children's future, perhaps in the hope of building a new life. In a new country you made a home together, learned the language together, got through hard times together. Now that companion is gone, and you are left on your own, often thousands of kilometres from your family. Widowhood abroad is a heavy experience that adds the loneliness, uncertainty and practical burdens of migration to the deep pain of losing a spouse. In this article, we look at the grief of people who lose a spouse abroad, the particular difficulties of grieving far from home, and how you can support yourself during this time.

Why Is Widowhood Abroad So Hard?

Losing a spouse is one of the most difficult losses a person can experience. What is lost is not only a person, but a shared past, daily habits, plans for the future and an important part of your own identity. A life lived as "we" suddenly becomes "I".

Abroad, other layers are added to this loss:

• The distance of your support network: Parents, siblings and old friends are in Turkey. The people who would knock on your door, bring you food and stay up with you until morning if you were in Turkey may be a flight of several hours away.
• The role of the spouse: For couples who have migrated, partners are often each other's closest, sometimes only, confidant. The social circle built in the new country is also usually built as a couple.
• The weight of practical responsibilities: Perhaps your spouse took care of bureaucratic matters, bank accounts or correspondence in the local language. Now you may have to learn all of this while you are grieving.
• Funeral and burial decisions: Whether the burial will be in Turkey or in the country where you live, how the body will be transported, and where and how religious rituals will be carried out are decisions that must be made quickly and in great pain.
• The question of staying or returning: The question "What am I doing here now?" can come up at the most intense point of grief.

Imagine you are a retired woman who has lived in France for over thirty years. Your children have grown up and moved to different cities. With your husband, you had planned to spend summers in Turkey and winters in France in retirement. After a short illness, he died. The funeral was held in your home town, and for days you received condolence visitors in the village. But when you then returned to your home in France and opened the door, you felt for the first time that you were truly alone. You don't know who will read the letters or how you will pay the bills, because he always did these things. This example shows both the emotional and the practical side of losing a spouse abroad.

That is why many people widowed abroad feel that they have lost not only their spouse but also the direction of their life.

The Grief Process After Losing a Spouse: What Is Normal?

Grief is a natural and universal response to the loss of a loved one. Everyone grieves in their own way; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Still, there are common experiences that many people have after losing a spouse:

Emotional reactions

• Deep sadness, emptiness and longing
• Shock and disbelief: "It feels as if they are about to walk through the door"
• Anger: at fate, at doctors, at yourself, even at the spouse you lost
• Guilt: "If only I had noticed earlier", "If we had been in Turkey, perhaps..."
• Anxiety: about the future, finances, the children and living alone

Physical reactions

• Sleep disturbances, changes in appetite
• Fatigue, loss of energy
• Physical complaints such as tightness in the chest or a lump in the throat

Cognitive and behavioural reactions

• Poor concentration, forgetfulness
• Being unable to touch your spouse's belongings, or keeping them with you all the time
• Dreaming of your spouse, or feeling as if you can hear their voice
• Withdrawing from social settings

These reactions are natural parts of grief. Grief comes in waves; after a few good days, a song, a smell or a date can bring the pain back with intensity. For broader information on the grief process, you can read our article on the grief process.

Widowhood Abroad: Particular Difficulties of Grief and the Cultural Context

In Turkish culture, grief is largely lived together with the community. Neighbours who come to the house of mourning, food that is brought, prayers that are read, and rituals such as the "yedisi" (the gathering on the seventh day), the "kırkı" (the fortieth day) and the mevlit (a recitation held in remembrance) make it easier to share and carry the pain. Abroad, some of these structures may be missing.

The absence of rituals

If your spouse's funeral was held in Turkey, returning alone to the country where you live after the burial can feel overwhelming. The condolence visits remain in Turkey, while at your home abroad there is silence. If the funeral was held in the country where you live, then your family and relatives in Turkey may not have been able to attend, and you may feel alone with this loss. We discuss this topic in detail in our article on grief and funerals abroad.

Language and bureaucracy

Death certificates, inheritance procedures, bank accounts, insurance, pensions and residence status are matters that have to be resolved while you are grieving and often in a second language. You need to obtain precise information on these procedures from the official authorities of the country where you live, from a legal adviser or from the consulate. This burden can narrow the space you have for grief.

Social expectations

Within Turkish communities, there can be certain expectations and comments directed at a widowed person, especially women: "You'll go back to Turkey now", "You have to be strong for the children", "When will she marry again?" These comments are often well meant, but they can make it harder for a person to grieve at their own pace. Men, on the other hand, may find it hard to show their pain because of the idea that "a man doesn't cry".

The grief of the family far away

Your family in Turkey and your spouse's family are also grieving. Relationships with parents-in-law or siblings can be both a source of support and a source of tension during this period. Differing views on the place of burial, the children's future and inheritance can make grief more complicated.

The Impact on Children and the Family

If you have lost your spouse and have children, you are grieving yourself while also trying to accompany your children through their own grief. This can be a very heavy burden.

Children react differently depending on their age. Young children may not fully grasp the permanence of death and may ask again and again, "When is Dad coming?" School-age children may show guilt, anger or a drop in school performance. Teenagers may keep their pain inside or turn to risky behaviour.

Children's grief abroad carries extra difficulties too. A child goes to school in the language of the country where they live, but the family's grief is lived in Turkish. Friends at school may not know Turkish mourning rituals. At the same time, the question "Are we moving to Turkey?" can create a new fear of loss in the child's mind.

Some principles that can help children are these:

• Use clear, honest language that suits their age. Instead of vague phrases like "He went on a long journey", explain what death is in simple words.
• Let them express their feelings; do not hesitate to share your own sadness in a measured way.
• Keep the school routine and daily structure as much as you can.
• Inform the school and teachers; find out what support schools in your country offer during bereavement.
• Create small rituals together to remember the parent you have lost: a photo album, a memory box, an activity you do together on special days.

How Can You Support Yourself During This Time?

There is no way to take away the pain of grief; but there are steps that can make it a little more possible to carry:

1. Do not rush big decisions. If possible, put off steps that are hard to reverse, such as selling a house, moving countries or making major financial decisions, during the first months. The decision to stay or return can be made in a healthier way after the first intense period of grief.
2. Share the practical tasks. Ask for help with bureaucratic matters from a trusted friend, a relative, the consulate or local advisory services. You do not have to sort everything out on your own.
3. Do not neglect basic care. Regular meals, as much sleep as you can get, short walks. The body tires in grief too; it is important to look after it.
4. Keep your ties with Turkey alive. Have regular video calls with your family and old friends. Choose a few people to whom you can say how you really feel, so that you do not have to keep saying "I'm fine".
5. Ask for support from those around you. Neighbours, colleagues, acquaintances in the Turkish community, people around the mosque or an association may want to help but not know what to do. Making concrete requests (coming for dinner one evening, picking the child up from school) makes helping easier.
6. Create your own rituals. If the "yedisi" or "kırkı" was held in Turkey, you can organise a small remembrance in the city where you live too. Cooking a dish your spouse loved, writing a letter or going to a place they liked makes room for the expression of grief.
7. Be prepared for difficult dates. Wedding anniversaries, birthdays, religious festivals and the anniversary of the loss can be especially hard. Thinking in advance about how you would like to spend these days helps.
8. Do not compare your grief. The thought "I should have recovered by now" adds another burden to grief. Grief has no timetable.

Grief is the continuation of love; carrying the pain does not mean forgetting, it means learning to live with it.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Grief is not an illness, and most people learn over time to carry their grief with their own sources of support. In some cases, however, professional support can make an important difference:

• If, months later, you still have marked difficulty keeping up with daily tasks (work, childcare, running the home)
• If intense feelings of guilt, worthlessness or hopelessness are not easing
• If you intensely avoid everything that reminds you of the loss or, conversely, cannot think of anything but the loss
• If sleep and appetite problems have continued for a long time
• If you are turning to alcohol or other substances more and more
• If you are struggling to accompany your children through their grief
• If thoughts that life is meaningless, or a wish to "be reunited" with your spouse, are becoming more pronounced

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not wait; call the emergency number of the country you are in straight away: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary. Organisations that offer bereavement counselling in the country where you live, and your family doctor, are also important sources of support.

How Are Loss of a Spouse and Grief Approached in Online Therapy in Your Native Language?

Being able to use your native language when you talk about the memories you shared with your spouse, the endearments you used and the migration story you lived through together can make it easier to express grief. Being able to talk without having to explain Turkish mourning rituals, family dynamics and the worry of "el âlem ne der" (what will people say) can add ease to the therapeutic relationship. You can find more information about this approach on our Turks living abroad page.

The work done during grief aims not to "get rid of" the pain but to make it easier to carry. An approach based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may include the following:

• Making room for grief: Telling the feelings, memories and story of the loss in a safe setting.
• Working with guilt thoughts: Examining thoughts such as "If we had been in Turkey, they would have survived" with a compassionate but realistic view.
• Softening the cycle of avoidance: Approaching, step by step, the places, belongings and activities that remind you of the loss.
• Rebuilding daily structure: Planning a realistic routine for sleep, nutrition, work and social contact.
• Supporting decisions about the future: Considering decisions such as staying or returning without haste, in light of your values and needs.
• Parenting support: Guidance on how to accompany children through their grief.

Sessions can be held through online therapy, at a time that suits your local time zone, in the privacy of your own home.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I return to Turkey after losing my spouse?

This is a personal decision and there is no single right answer. The general advice is, if possible, not to make decisions that are hard to reverse in the first intense period of grief, and to weigh up your children's situation, your support network, your finances and your own wishes at a calmer time.

How long does grief last?

Grief has no set duration. The intensity of the pain usually eases over time, but longing and the need to remember can last a lifetime. If you are experiencing a grief that disrupts your functioning for a long time, it is helpful to talk to a specialist.

Will crying in front of my children harm them?

Sharing your feelings in a measured way shows children that sadness is natural and can be talked about. What matters is that the child does not have to carry your grief and that they feel safe themselves.

Is grieving alone abroad harder than usual?

Having a support network far away and missing rituals can make grief a lonelier experience. That is why it is important to keep distant ties alive, to build small circles of support where you live, and to seek professional support when needed.

• #loss of a spouse
• #grief process
• #grieving abroad
• #widowed abroad

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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