Burial in the homeland, repatriating the body and grieving from afar. The feelings of people who lose a loved one abroad and ways of coping with grief.
Losing a loved one far from home adds other burdens on top of grief. On one side there is pain and shock; on the other, dozens of tasks that need doing: correspondence with hospitals and official bodies, documents, flights and constant phone calls with family in Turkey. And often the hardest question of all: Where will the funeral and burial take place? For many families, burial in the homeland means a last wish, a tradition or "returning to one's soil". Some families, on the other hand, prefer to bury their loved one in the country where their children and grandchildren live, in a place where they can visit the grave often. Both decisions are understandable, but each leaves its own emotional traces. In this article, we look at how grief can take shape in losses experienced abroad, the emotional weight of the funeral process and how you can support yourself and your family through this difficult time.
Loss Abroad and Burial in the Homeland: A Different Face of Grief
Grief is the natural and universal process we go through when we lose someone we love. Everyone's grief is their own; it has no set timetable and no "right" form. However, losses experienced far from home can carry some additional difficulties.
Turks living abroad usually face two different kinds of loss. The first is the death of a loved one, such as a parent, spouse or child, in the country where they live. In this case, a decision has to be made about repatriating the body to Turkey or burying it in the country of residence. The second is the death of a loved one in Turkey; the person tries to reach the funeral in time, or for various reasons cannot attend. We cover this second kind of loss, experienced from a distance, in detail in our article on grieving from afar.
In both cases, grieving rituals in Turkish culture have an important place: the funeral prayer, condolence visits, making helva, recitation of the Qur'an, memorial gatherings on the seventh and fortieth days, the mevlit (a devotional gathering in memory of the dead), and neighbours and relatives filling the house. These rituals make grief something that can be shared and carried. Far from home, some of these rituals may be missing, and grief can be lived more alone and more silently.
Feelings and Signs During the Grieving Process
Grief is not a single emotion but is made up of many intertwined feelings. People who experience a loss abroad often describe the following:
- Shock and disbelief: Particularly with sudden losses, a feeling that what has happened is not real.
- Intense sadness and longing: Searching for the lost person everywhere, memories of them constantly coming to mind.
- Guilt: Thoughts such as "I should have been by their side", "I should have called more often" and "Why did I ever go abroad?"
- Anger: Anger at yourself, at the healthcare system, at bureaucracy, even at the person who has died.
- Loneliness: Not having a large circle around you with whom to share your grief.
- Numbness and fatigue: A deep exhaustion that appears once the rush of the funeral arrangements is over.
- Physical symptoms: Changes in sleep and appetite, tightness in the chest, headaches.
- Questions of belonging: Questions such as "Where do I belong? Where will I be buried when I die?"
All of these feelings can be a natural part of grief. Grief comes in waves; some days are better, some harder. For general information about the grieving process, you can read our article on the grieving process.
Burial in the Homeland or Abroad? The Emotional Weight of the Decision
Last Wishes and Tradition
Many first-generation migrants said years ago, "Bury me in the homeland." Even if they spent most of their lives abroad, this wish expresses a desire to return to their roots. For families, carrying out this wish is an important debt of loyalty. Some families join funds or funeral assistance organisations in advance to cover repatriation. The terms of such arrangements can vary from organisation to organisation and country to country; for details, you need to get up-to-date information from the organisations concerned and from consulates.
Different Views Across Generations
For the second and third generations, who were born and raised abroad, the situation can be more complicated. Burying their parents in the homeland means that visiting the grave may be possible only once a year or less. A deep conflict can arise between the thought "May my mother find peace in her homeland" and the feeling "But I won't be able to visit her". This conflict can also lead to disagreements between siblings or with relatives in Turkey.
Time Pressure
In the Islamic tradition, it is considered important for the deceased to be buried as soon as possible. Repatriation from abroad, however, can take time because of documents, official procedures and flights. During this time, the family experiences both the pain of grief and the pressure of "We must bury them as soon as possible". Decisions made during this intense period can later turn into questions such as "Did we do the right thing?"
Imagine three siblings living in France who have lost their father. Years earlier, their father had said he wanted to be buried in his home village next to his own mother. The eldest sibling feels the wish should be carried out. The youngest wants their elderly mother to be able to visit her husband's grave often and suggests burying him in the city where they live. None of the siblings is wrong; each expresses their love for their father and mother in a different way. In moments like these, how the decision can be discussed without hurting one another matters as much as the decision itself.
Questions About Your Own Future
The burial of a loved one can also lead a person to think about their own mortality and sense of belonging. Questions such as "Where would I like to be buried? Where will my children visit me?" can make you question the decision to migrate and the direction of your life.
A burial place is more than a piece of land; it is a decision about where belonging, loyalty and love will be kept alive.
The Effect of Grief on Family and Children
Family members can experience grief in different ways. While one grieves by crying and talking, another may try to cope by burying themselves in tasks or by falling silent. These differences sometimes lead to misunderstandings: remarks such as "You're not sad at all" or "You keep crying, you need to pull yourself together" can cause hurt within the family.
Children grieve too, but in a way appropriate to their age. Young children may not fully understand the permanence of death; they may ask, "When is Grandad coming back?" School-age children may experience fear, guilt or anger. If the funeral is held in Turkey and the children cannot attend, not having the chance to say goodbye can affect them as well. It is important to give children information in clear and honest language appropriate to their age and to answer their questions patiently. Explanations such as "They fell asleep" or "They've gone on a long journey" can cause confusion or a fear of sleeping in children.
Tensions brought by grief can arise between partners too. In mixed marriages in particular, the grieving rituals in one partner's culture may feel unfamiliar to the other. It is important to talk about these differences openly and to respect each other's needs.
Practical Steps for Coping with Grief Abroad
Create Your Own Rituals
Recreating the crowded condolence atmosphere of Turkey is hard to do far from home. But you can build small, meaningful rituals: a memorial gathering at home with a few close friends, cooking a dish that the person you lost loved, praying, lighting a candle or making a donation in their name. Local mosques and Turkish associations can also offer support with condolences and memorials.
Look for Ways to Take Part from a Distance
If you cannot attend the funeral, you can ask family members to share the funeral ceremony by video. For some people this is a very valuable way of saying goodbye; for others it can be too difficult. You decide what will help you. Writing a letter to the person you lost is also a way of expressing unfinished feelings.
Do Not Judge Your Decisions
Whatever you decided about burial in the homeland or in the country where you live, you made that decision with the circumstances and knowledge you had at the time. When "if only" thoughts come, remind yourself: With the means I had at that moment, I made a decision out of love.
Ask for Support
Tell close friends, neighbours or colleagues what you need: bringing food, looking after the children, helping with official matters. People often want to help but do not know how.
Look After Your Body
Grief tires the body too. Try to eat regularly, to sleep at least a little and to take short walks. These will not take grief away, but they preserve the strength you need to carry it.
Make Room for Work and Daily Responsibilities
Let your workplace know the situation and, if possible, use your leave entitlement. Many workplaces may offer bereavement leave or flexible working; you can ask your HR department about the terms. During grief, rather than trying to carry on exactly as before, it is natural to lighten your load for a while.
Prepare for Days of Remembrance
Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries of a death can be especially hard far from home. Plan for these days in advance: Who will you be with, and how will you remember? Praying at the same time as the family in Turkey or having a video call together can close the distance a little.
Remember Together with Children
Looking at photographs together, telling stories about the person who has died or preparing a memory box helps children express their grief and keep their bond with the person they lost.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Grief is a natural process, and most people learn over time to live with their loss. However, support from a professional can be helpful in the following situations:
- Months have passed, but the intense pain, longing and loss of functioning are not easing.
- You are seriously struggling to keep up with daily tasks, your work or the care of your children.
- Intense guilt, or thoughts that "Life has no meaning", will not leave you.
- You avoid everything that reminds you of the loss, or images related to the loss come into your mind involuntarily.
- Your sleep, appetite and energy have been disrupted for a long time.
- You turn more often to alcohol or other substances.
- Your child has long-lasting behaviour changes, fears or school problems.
If you have physical symptoms, talk to your family doctor in the country where you live; if necessary, an assessment by a psychiatrist may be suggested.
If you have thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not wait; call the emergency number of the country where you are: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency response service; in these situations, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are essential.
Bereavement counselling services in the country where you live, hospital support units and religious institutions are also important sources of support. Support in your mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside them.
How Does Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Work?
Grief is perhaps one of the experiences lived most in the mother tongue. The language spoken with the person we lost, their voice, their words, lullabies and prayers are often in Turkish. Being understood without having to explain the meaning carried by expressions such as "hakkını helal et" (forgive any debt of obligation), "toprağı bol olsun" (may the earth lie lightly on them) and "başımız sağ olsun" (condolences), or the emotional weight of the tradition of burial in the homeland, can make it easier to talk about grief. For general information aimed at people living abroad, see our page for Turks living abroad.
In grief, work based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) focuses not on "getting over" grief but on learning to live with it:
- Telling the story of the loss: The loss, the funeral process and the feelings experienced are talked through in a safe setting.
- Working with guilt-related thoughts: Thoughts such as "I should have been there" and "I made the wrong decision" are approached from a compassionate and realistic perspective.
- Reducing avoidance: Avoidance of places, belongings or conversations that remind you of the loss is reduced step by step.
- Continuing the bond: Ways of forming a meaningful inner bond with the person you lost are explored.
- Re-engaging with life: Valued activities and relationships are gradually brought back into daily life.
For online sessions, a quiet and private setting, a secure internet connection and headphones are recommended. A suitable time can be arranged according to the time difference. Payments can be made online; pricing in Turkish lira (TL) and payment by international card are possible. It is recommended that you check your insurance in your country of residence for its terms. For detailed information, see the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to feel guilty because burial did not take place in the homeland?
Yes, this feeling is quite common. It is important to remember that you made the decision in the circumstances of that moment, with love and with the means you had. If the guilt continues for a long time and makes your life difficult, talking it through with a professional can help.
I could not attend the funeral. Will my grief never be complete?
Not being able to attend the funeral can make grief harder, but it does not prevent grief from being completed. Creating your own farewell ritual, visiting the grave later or writing a letter can be different ways of saying goodbye.
Should I take my child to the funeral?
This depends on the child's age, their wishes and the family's values. It is important to explain to the child in advance what will happen and to ask whether they want to attend. Even if they do not attend, they can be offered another way to say goodbye.
How long does grief last?
Grief has no set duration. The intensity of the pain usually eases over time, but longing can continue for many years. If you are still unable to carry on with daily life months later, getting support is recommended.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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