What is grieving from afar, and why is missing a funeral abroad so hard? Read about meaningful rituals and ways to find support when coping with loss.
One morning your phone rings, and with the news from Turkey your world stops. Perhaps it is your grandmother, perhaps a childhood friend, perhaps your mother or father. You start looking for flight tickets, but the funeral is often held the same day or the next; a visa, work, children, health or money stops you from getting there in time. You watch the funeral on a phone screen, receive condolences by message, then return to work, school and daily life. This is exactly what grieving from afar is: when you lose someone you love, being physically far from the place where grief is shared. In this article I will try to explain why grieving from afar is different and sometimes harder, the signs by which it shows itself and how you can make room for your grief abroad.
What Is Grieving from Afar?
Grief is a natural and universal response to loss. But how grief is lived depends greatly on culture and community. In Turkey, when a loss occurs the house suddenly fills: neighbours bring food, relatives come, helva is cooked, the Qur'an is recited, a mevlit (a prayer gathering held in memory of the dead) is held, and condolences are received. The bereaved person is not left alone. All of these rituals help the pain to be shared and its reality accepted.
A person grieving from afar remains outside this shared space. People around you in the country where you live may not know about your loss; at work you may be given a few days off and then expected to seem "normal". Sometimes even telling people who didn't know your loved one who they were feels exhausting. As a result, grief cannot be shared as it should be, and the person may have to carry it alone.
Grieving from afar is not a diagnosis. However, skipping some of the natural steps of grief can lay the ground for a longer or more complicated process.
What Are the Signs of Grieving from Afar?
The general symptoms of grief (deep sadness, crying, longing, changes in sleep and appetite, difficulty concentrating) are also seen when grieving from afar. In addition, some signs can be more pronounced:
- A feeling of unreality: The feeling that "it's as if they're still there, as if they'll pick up when I call". Not seeing the funeral can make it harder to accept the reality of the death.
- Intense guilt: Thoughts such as "I couldn't see them one last time", "I should have been by their side" or "If I hadn't left, perhaps we would have spent more time together".
- Delayed grief: Feeling nothing in the first days after the loss, but then, months later, when you go to Turkey and see the empty house, grief begins with its full force.
- Loneliness and not being seen: The feeling that the people around you do not understand the size of your loss.
- Feeling excluded in the family: Feeling cut off from the family because you could not take part in the funeral and the decisions that followed.
- Phone and news anxiety: After a loss, feeling the same fear again at every call from Turkey.
These signs on their own do not mean there is a problem; grief is lived very differently from person to person. For the general framework of the subject, you can also look at the article on the grief process.
Why Can Grieving from Afar Be Harder?
Being unable to say goodbye
Death, especially when unexpected, already makes saying goodbye difficult. Being far away adds another layer. After a relative you parted from on your last visit saying "I'll come again next year", realising that conversation was the last one can cause deep pain. Not being by their sickbed, not being able to hold their hand, not being able to ask for forgiveness (helalleşmek, the Turkish custom of asking and granting forgiveness before a death) carries a particular weight in Turkish culture.
Being outside the rituals
Attending the funeral, burying the person, seeing the grave, receiving condolences and coming together on memorial days such as the seventh and fortieth day make the reality of the loss concrete. Without them the mind can leave the loss "unfinished". Watching a funeral by video call comforts some people, while for others it can be even more alienating.
Timing and mismatch
While you go through the first wave of grief, life around you carries on as it is. Meetings, school buses and bills do not wait. While your family in Turkey has gathered and is crying together, you may be in a supermarket queue. This mismatch in timing can cause grief to get stuck inside you.
Merging with earlier losses
Migration already involves a series of losses: homeland, language, closeness to family, a former identity. The death of a loved one can also set these older and often unmourned griefs in motion. The person includes in their grief not only the person they lost, but also the years spent abroad, the missed bayrams (religious holidays) and the nieces and nephews who have grown up.
Language and visibility
Describing your grief in the language of the country where you live can bring a feeling that words don't carry the emotion fully. It is hard to find equivalents for set phrases with deep meaning such as "Başınız sağ olsun" (roughly, "may you be well in your grief") or "Mekânı cennet olsun" ("may their resting place be paradise"). In addition, the bereavement leave your workplace grants for close relatives may not cover an aunt, an uncle or a milk-mother who matters to you. Having to explain to those around you that in a Turkish family structure these people can be as close as parents can cause grief to stay invisible.
Imagine a woman living in the Netherlands who has lost the grandmother who raised her in childhood. At work, her manager, hearing the word "grandmother", considered one day of leave enough. When she returned to her desk the next day, she realised how isolating the gap was between the pain she felt and what those around her expected. In such situations, explaining briefly but openly what the loss means to you often brings more understanding than you expect.
The Effect of Grieving from Afar on Family and Children
Within the family: Relatives in Turkey can sometimes be hurtful without realising it: "You couldn't even come to their funeral." Sentences like these wound further the person who is already feeling guilt. Matters such as inheritance, the house and the sharing of belongings can also give the person who is far away a feeling of being left out or treated unfairly.
In your relationship with your partner: If your partner comes from a different culture, they may find it hard to grasp the meaning of Turkish mourning rituals. Even if your partner is Turkish, they may not have been as close to the person you lost as you were. In this case the feeling "You don't understand me enough" can arise. It is important to say your grief and needs openly: "This week I need to be on my own a bit in the evenings," or "I'd like us to look at my father's photographs together."
With children: Children growing up abroad may have seen their grandfather or grandmother in Turkey only a few times. Even so, the loss is real for them too. It is recommended to explain death to children in plain, honest language suited to their age, avoiding confusing expressions such as "they fell asleep" or "they went on a long journey". It is also healthy for them to see your sadness; it shows them that feelings can be talked about.
Concrete Steps for Coping with Grieving from Afar Abroad
Even if you could not go to the funeral, there are other ways to live your grief and to say goodbye.
Create your own ritual. At the time of the funeral you can light a candle at home, put out a photograph of the person you loved and sit quietly for a few minutes. If it suits your faith, you can say a prayer, recite Surah Yasin or visit a mosque in the city where you live. What matters is not the size of the ritual but its meaning.
Mark the memorial days. Add the seventh and fortieth days and the anniversary to your calendar. On these days you can connect by video with your family in Turkey, or cook helva at home and share it with your neighbours and Turkish friends.
Write a farewell letter. Write in a letter addressed to the person you lost the things you couldn't say, your thanks, apologies and memories. You can keep the letter, take it to their grave on your next visit to Turkey or read it aloud. This method can help complete an unfinished goodbye.
Tell those around you about your grief. Tell your friends and colleagues in the country where you live about your loss and what it means to you. Many people stay silent because they don't know how to support you. Saying "Just being near me is enough" can open the door.
Connect with the Turkish community. Turkish associations, mosques or friendship circles in your city can offer the cultural equivalent of condolence. Even hearing the phrase "Allah rahmet eylesin" ("may God have mercy on them") from someone who speaks the same language sometimes brings unexpected comfort.
Plan a visit to the grave. When possible, make time to see the grave on your next visit to Turkey. This visit can be the moment when delayed grief comes out; leave yourself emotional space and do not squeeze the visit into a busy schedule.
Talk back to guilty thoughts. When the thought "I should have been by their side" comes, ask yourself: "What could I really have done then? What circumstances stopped me? If my closest friend were in the same situation, what would I say to them?" These questions can help you approach yourself with compassion instead of guilt.
Take care of your body. Grief is an exhausting process. Keep your routines of sleep, eating and movement as far as you can. Remember that grief comes in waves and that good and bad days can follow one another. Feeling pulled together one day and then falling into deep sadness again the next because of a song, a smell or a bayram message does not mean you are going backwards.
Find a way of keeping memories. Making a small album from photographs of the person you lost, keeping voice recordings or cooking a dish you learned from them are ways of keeping the bond alive. Grief is not forgetting the person but learning to continue the bond with them in a new form.
Not being able to go to the funeral does not take away your right to say goodbye; sometimes goodbye is completed in a letter, a candle or a prayer.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Grief has no set timetable, and pain lasting a long time is not in itself a sign of a problem. However, speaking to a specialist may be helpful in the following situations:
- If, months on, you still clearly struggle to do your daily tasks
- If you still cannot accept the loss and constantly feel "it isn't real"
- If guilt is consuming you and you cannot forgive yourself
- If intense anger, hopelessness or a sense of being cut off from life continues
- If there is long-lasting disruption in your sleep, appetite and work performance
- If you avoid everything that reminds you of the loss and are even afraid to go to Turkey
If you wish to be reunited with the person you lost, feel life is meaningless or have thoughts of harming yourself, please do not wait and call the emergency number of the country you are in (112 in EU countries, 911 in the USA and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, 000 in Australia). Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of serious risk, local emergency services and psychiatric services are necessary.
How Do We Work in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?
Grief is perhaps one of the experiences people most want to speak about in their mother tongue. The words the person you lost said to you, the lullabies, the prayers, terms of endearment such as "kuzum" and "yavrum" ("my lamb", "my little one") are in Turkish. Translating them into another language can cause part of the feeling to be lost. In therapy conducted in Turkish, you don't have to explain the meaning of cooking helva, the fortieth-day mevlit or "helalleşmek". Grief counselling and support groups in the country where you live are also valuable; therapy in your mother tongue is an option that can be used alongside them.
A grief-focused piece of work based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can include the following steps:
- Telling the story of the loss: How the news arrived, what happened in those days and the unspoken feelings are talked about in a safe setting.
- Working with guilty thoughts: Thoughts such as "I shouldn't have left" or "If I had been there, they wouldn't have died" are noticed and re-evaluated with a realistic view.
- Reducing avoidance: Avoidance behaviours such as not looking at photographs, not mentioning their name or putting off a trip to Turkey are approached step by step.
- Symbolic goodbye: Methods such as writing a letter and empty-chair work are used to try to complete the unfinished goodbye.
- Reconnecting with life: A return to activities, relationships and routines that give meaning, while keeping the bond with the person lost, is supported.
Sessions can be planned taking the time difference into account; a quiet room and headphones provide privacy. For work with Turks abroad, you can look at the Turks Abroad page, and for how online sessions work, the online therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
Will my grief remain incomplete because I couldn't go to the funeral?
Not necessarily. Rituals help with grief, but they are not the only way. Creating your own memorial rituals, writing a letter and visiting the grave later can also be meaningful forms of saying goodbye.
Should I watch the funeral by video?
This is entirely a personal choice. For some people watching the funeral lets them be a part of it; for others it makes the distance more painful. Don't force yourself; if you don't watch, you can still carry out your own quiet ritual at the time of the funeral.
Why did everything start again when I went to Turkey months later?
This is an experience described as delayed grief and is common when grieving from afar. Seeing the empty house, the grave or the person's belongings can make you feel the reality of the loss in its full intensity for the first time. It is important to leave yourself emotional space on these visits.
Should I take my child to the funeral in Turkey?
This depends on the child's age, their bond with the person who died and their own wishes. If you decide to take them, explain beforehand in simple language what they will see. If you cannot take them, a small memorial ritual that you carry out together at home can also help the child say goodbye.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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