Why does losing a sibling so often go unseen? Read about the grief of adults who lose a brother or sister, new family roles and ways of coping with the pain.
Those who come to offer condolences embrace your mother first, then your father. "May God grant you patience; losing a child is something else," they say. You nod, hand out tea and see the guests off. No one asks you how you are coping after losing the person with whom you shared your childhood, slept in the same room, fought and made up, perhaps messaged every day. Losing a sibling is one of the most frequently overlooked losses within a family. Yet a sibling is someone with whom we share one of the longest relationships of our lives: someone we knew almost as early as our parents and whom we expected, in all likelihood, to still have beside us after they were gone. In this article I will look at what adults who lose a sibling go through, why this grief remains invisible and ways of carrying it.
Why Is Losing a Sibling an Overlooked Grief?
When a family experiences a loss, the attention of those around naturally turns most of all to the parents. The pain of parents who lose a child is rightly regarded in society as one of the heaviest pains of all. However, this attention can leave the grief of the remaining siblings in the shadows.
There are several reasons for this:
- The role of "the strong one": The remaining sibling is usually expected to support their parents, manage the funeral arrangements and keep the family from falling apart.
- Adult siblings' grief is underestimated: With the thought "You live in separate homes anyway, you have your own life", an adult sibling's pain may be played down.
- Postponing one's own grief: Many people see voicing their own pain as selfish while their parents are suffering so much.
- The complexity of the relationship: Alongside love, being siblings can also involve rivalry, jealousy and resentment; this complexity makes talking about grief harder.
This is a typical example of what professionals call "disenfranchised grief": the grief is real and deep, but it is not fully seen or acknowledged by those around.
What Do People Who Lose a Sibling Go Through?
The experiences described by people who lose a sibling are as varied as the losses themselves. Even so, there are some common threads:
- Losing half of a shared past: The person who could confirm your childhood memories, whom you could ask "What happened that summer in the village, do you remember?", is no longer here. A sibling is a witness to part of your memory.
- The future changing: If you imagined growing old together, sharing the care of your parents, and your children growing up as cousins, that future has been lost too.
- Facing your own mortality: The death of a sibling close in age powerfully reminds a person that "this could have happened to me". This worry may be more pronounced, especially if a hereditary illness is involved.
- A question of identity: Someone defined in the family as "the big sister" or "the middle one" has to rethink their place in the family after losing a sibling. When one of two siblings dies, the one left behind suddenly becomes an "only child".
- Guilt: Fights in childhood, periods of not speaking in adulthood and the question "Why them and not me?" are common sources of guilt after losing a sibling.
Let's say your older sister died at forty-five after an illness lasting two years. Throughout the illness you comforted your mother, helped with your sister's children's school matters and tried to keep up with your own work. Months after the funeral, one day at the supermarket you see the biscuits your sister always bought and freeze in front of the shelf. You realise that until that moment you had not had a chance to cry, that you had always left your grief for "later". This postponed grief is very common among adults who lose a sibling.
How the manner of the loss affects grief
How you lost your sibling adds different layers to your grief. A sudden loss in a work accident or on the road begins with shock and disbelief. In losses that come after a long period of addiction or mental illness, years of worry, attempts to rescue and anger become mixed into the grief. The feeling "I helped them so much, and it still wasn't enough" can deepen both exhaustion and helplessness. In these losses, judgemental comments from those around make it even harder to grieve openly.
Losing a twin
People who lose their twin often describe feeling as though they have lost a part of themselves. A life shared from birth has led to an identity built largely on "we". Seeing their sibling's face when they look in the mirror, and now celebrating birthdays alone, can remind those who have lost a twin of the loss every single day.
Changing Roles in the Family After Losing a Sibling
A sibling's death changes the whole balance of the family. The remaining siblings often take on unexpected roles in this new order.
Caring for parents: If the care of ageing parents used to be shared between two or three siblings, it now falls on fewer shoulders. This means the remaining sibling carries both their own grief and their parents' grief, and on top of that takes on the practical responsibilities.
Living "for both of us": Some parents, without realising it, expect the remaining child to fill the gap left by the child who has died. The person may feel they must fulfil their sibling's unfinished dreams or become like them. This burden makes it harder for them to find the direction of their own life.
Looking out for nieces and nephews: People whose sibling dies leaving children behind feel a deep responsibility towards their nieces and nephews. This bond can be both a comfort and a heavy burden; especially if relations with the sibling's spouse are tense, difficult situations can arise around seeing the children.
Between your parents' grief and your own: Your parents may be grieving very differently: one may let no one into your sibling's room while the other wants to clear everything away immediately. Trying to mediate between these two attitudes may leave no room for your own feelings.
Having lost a sibling as a child
Some adults lost a sibling in childhood and only recognise this grief years later. At the time, adults may not have told them what happened in order to protect them, may not have taken them to the funeral, or may have avoided mentioning the sibling's name at home. The child lost both their sibling and the parents with whom they could have shared their grief. Early losses like these can resurface in adulthood as unexplained sadness, abandonment anxiety or a fear of losing loved ones. I have discussed in detail how children experience grief in the article on grief in children.
Guilt and the "Why Not Me?" Feeling After Losing a Sibling
The relationship between siblings includes rivalry as well as love. Being compared at school, sharing the parents' attention and choosing different paths in life sometimes create distance between siblings. After a sibling's death, these distances can turn into heavy guilt.
Thoughts such as "I was upset with them at the last bayram (religious holiday) and didn't go to see them", "I used to treat them very badly when we were children" or "I didn't take their illness seriously" can go round and round in a person's mind. There is also a guilt that comes from having survived itself: someone whose sibling died in an accident or a disaster may think "They deserved to live more than I did". You can find more on feelings like these in the article on survivor's guilt.
Sometimes guilt comes from exactly the opposite direction. Someone who notices that, after their sibling's death, all of their parents' attention and love has turned towards them may feel bad for enjoying that attention. This too is part of the natural complexity of the sibling relationship.
Talking about these feelings of guilt is more helpful than minimising or suppressing them. Accepting the sibling relationship in all its complexity allows grief to be lived more realistically and more compassionately.
Losing a sibling means losing, all at once, both a witness to your past and a companion for your future.
What Can You Do to Cope With Losing a Sibling?
Make room for your grief
Supporting your parents is valuable; but it does not remove the fact that you are grieving too. Setting aside time for your own feelings and, if necessary, stepping away from your family for a short while to be alone is not selfishness but a necessity for carrying your grief.
Remember your sibling in your own words
When your sibling is talked about in the family, they are often remembered as "their parents' child". Your own relationship with them, your shared jokes and childhood secrets, however, are a different story. Writing this story down, putting together a memory box or talking about them with their friends are ways of honouring your own bond.
Be prepared for the question "How many siblings do you have?"
This simple question can be an unexpected burden for someone who has lost a sibling. You don't have to give the same answer in every setting; sometimes saying "There were two of us; one passed away", and sometimes just "I have a brother", may feel right. Neither answer is a denial of your sibling.
Talk openly with your parents
Hiding your own pain for fear of adding to theirs can create distance between you over time. Saying "I miss them so much too" at a suitable moment can open the door to grief being shared within the family.
Redefine special days
Your sibling's birthday, a holiday spot you used to visit together or a match you watched together every year can be difficult after the loss. Instead of skipping these days altogether, you can create small rituals of your own, such as cooking a dish they loved, planting a sapling in their name or simply going for a walk while remembering them.
Share the responsibilities
If the responsibilities for your parents' care or for your nieces and nephews have fallen to you alone, consider asking for help from other relatives, your spouse or formal sources of support. Taking on everything by yourself can turn your grief into chronic exhaustion.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The intense feelings that follow the loss of a sibling are mostly a natural part of grief. However, it may be helpful to seek support from a professional in the following situations:
- If, months later, intense pain, guilt or anger is still markedly restricting your daily life,
- If you feel you have never been able to grieve at all and are constantly busy supporting others,
- If worries that you will meet the same fate as your sibling occupy you constantly,
- If you cannot enjoy anything and feel hopeless,
- If you think that carrying on living is meaningless or are considering harming yourself.
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, call 112 (emergency services) in an emergency or go to the nearest emergency department. If you are wondering whether your grief has turned into depression, the article on the difference between grief and depression can guide you; the assessment, however, must be made by a professional.
How Is Losing a Sibling Addressed in Therapy?
For someone who has lost a sibling, therapy often offers, for the first time, a space where their own grief is placed at the centre. Here it is your pain that is talked about, not that of your parents, your spouse or your nieces and nephews.
In therapy, work generally focuses on the following:
- Making unrecognised grief visible: Acknowledging the weight of your loss and allowing yourself to grieve.
- Looking at the sibling relationship as a whole: Addressing love, rivalry, hurts and unfinished business together.
- Working with guilt: Evaluating the "if onlys" and the guilt that comes from having survived with a realistic perspective.
- Organising your new role in the family: Protecting your own boundaries while supporting your parents and your nieces and nephews.
- Addressing griefs left over from childhood: Allowing adults who lost a sibling as children to process, in a safe setting, the grief they could not live through at the time.
Cognitive behavioural therapy is one of the approaches used to address the patterns of avoidance and guilt that make grief harder. You can find information about work with adults on the individual therapy page.
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I say when someone asks "How many siblings do you have?"
There is no single right answer to this question. Depending on the setting and how strong you feel at that moment, you can mention your sibling or count only your living siblings. Whichever answer you give, your bond with your sibling does not change.
My parents are so consumed by grief that mine goes unseen. What can I do?
This is a very common experience. Sharing your own feelings with them at a suitable time, finding sources of support outside the family and opening a separate space for your grief can help. Your parents' pain does not mean that yours matters less.
My sibling died while we weren't speaking; how can I live with this feeling?
A loss that comes during a period of estrangement deepens guilt and regret. However, periods of resentment between siblings are ordinary, and they do not mean that the love between you had disappeared. Writing them a letter or talking about this feeling in therapy can help you repair the unfinished relationship within yourself.
How can you support a child who has lost a sibling?
It is important to explain death to the child in clear language suited to their age, to answer their questions patiently and to keep mentioning their sibling's name at home. While parents are absorbed in their own grief, the child's needs can be overlooked; that is why it is valuable for an adult they trust to set aside special time for them. If problems with sleep, school or behaviour persist, you can seek the opinion of a child mental health professional.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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