Low Self-Esteem in Teenagers: Supporting a Young Person Who Believes They Cannot Succeed

How do you recognise low self-esteem in teenagers, and why does it happen? Practical steps families can take to support a young person who lacks confidence.

A robotics club is being set up at school. Your son has been tinkering with computers and electronic circuits for years, taking apart and reassembling broken things around the house. When you suggest he signs up for the club, though, he shrugs: "There'll be people there who are much better than me. I can't do it." In another home, a fifteen-year-old girl whose English is perfectly good says "I'm ill" and goes to the school nurse when it is her turn to read aloud in class. Low self-esteem in teenagers often shows itself through small retreats like these. Beneath behaviour that looks from the outside like laziness, reluctance or "making a fuss" lies a deep doubt the young person has about themselves. In this article I look at how a lack of self-confidence appears in young people, what feeds it, and the concrete steps parents can take to support a young person's belief in themselves.

What Is Self-Confidence, and Why Is It Shaken in Adolescence?

Self-confidence is the trust a person has in their own abilities, decisions and worth. In psychology this concept is often considered in two dimensions: a person seeing themselves in general as valuable and worthy of love (self-esteem), and believing that they can succeed at a particular task (self-efficacy). A young person may see themselves as someone who is loved yet believe they will fail at maths; or they may feel worthless even though they do well in their lessons.

Adolescence is one of the periods in which self-confidence is most fragile. There are several reasons for this:

• Physical changes: Changes in height and weight, spots and a breaking voice can shake a young person's relationship with their body.
• The growing importance of peers: The young person constantly compares themselves with their friends and cares a great deal about where they stand in their eyes.
• Intense self-consciousness: Teenagers tend to think that everyone is looking at them and judging them. This feeling, known in psychology as the "imaginary audience", turns even the smallest mistake into a huge humiliation.
• Academic assessments: Exams such as the LGS and YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams), rankings and scores can lead young people to define themselves by a number.
• The search for identity: In this period, when the questions "Who am I, and what am I good at?" have not yet been answered, the young person lives with uncertainty about themselves.

For these reasons, fluctuating self-confidence during adolescence is largely an ordinary part of development. In some young people, however, this fluctuation turns into a lasting belief: "I can't do it."

How Can You Recognise Low Self-Esteem in Teenagers?

A lack of self-confidence does not always look like a quiet, shy young person. Some young people hide their insecurity behind bravado, sarcasm or overly assertive behaviour. Even so, some signs stand out:

• Giving up without trying: Avoiding taking part in a new activity, club or competition; saying "It won't work anyway"
• Being unable to accept praise: Playing down success with sentences such as "It was just luck" or "Anyone could have done it"
• Excessive self-criticism: Remarks such as "I'm stupid" or "I can't do anything right"
• An excessive need for others' approval: Attaching too much importance to the number of likes on social media or to friends' comments
• An intense fear of making mistakes: Avoiding asking questions in class, putting their hand up or speaking in front of the class
• Indecisiveness: Leaning on others for every decision, from choosing clothes to choosing a high school
• Giving up easily: Quitting as soon as they meet a difficulty
• Being unable to say no: Giving in easily to peer pressure, agreeing to things they do not want

The presence of a single sign does not mean the young person has a self-confidence problem. What matters is that these behaviours persist and cause the young person to miss out on opportunities in their life.

Why Does a Lack of Self-Confidence Develop?

Self-confidence is shaped by many experiences from childhood onwards. Low self-esteem in teenagers usually rests not on a single cause but on several factors that feed each other.

Critical or conditional parenting attitudes. In homes where love and approval are tied only to success, the young person learns that their worth depends on their performance. Constant criticism such as "Seventy again?" or "Can't you even do this?" turns into the young person's inner voice. Being compared with others deepens this process.

Overprotective parenting. Removing in advance every difficulty a young person might face takes away their experience of achieving something on their own. A young person who does their homework with their parents, whose problems with teachers are always solved by a parent, and who is not even sent to the bakery on their own may develop the belief, "I can't do it by myself." The article on overprotective parenting offers detailed information on this.

Labels. Labels such as "Ours isn't a maths person", "She's the shy one" or "He's not very bright" turn over time into the young person's beliefs about themselves. A labelled young person starts to behave in ways that confirm the label.

Difficulties in peer relationships. Being bullied, excluded or mocked deeply affects how a young person sees themselves.

Learning difficulties and attention problems. A young person with an unrecognised learning difficulty or attention deficit may live for years with the belief, "I'm stupid."

Raising children through shame. Young people who grow up with sentences such as "Shame on you, what will people say?" or "You've disgraced us in front of everyone" may learn that making a mistake is not just an error but a shame that damages the family's reputation. For these young people, giving a wrong answer in class or being laughed at for failing to do something in front of guests carries a very heavy weight. In the end, the safest path becomes never trying at all.

Perfectionism. A lack of self-confidence sometimes looks like the exact opposite from the outside. A young person with high grades and flawless homework, who thinks everything through to the smallest detail, may be living inwardly with the fear that "If I make even one mistake, everything will come out." These young people do not believe they deserve praise, and see every success as a reprieve that lasts only until the next exam. When a perfectionist young person says, "I can't do it", it often means, "If I can't do it perfectly, I'd rather not start at all."

Social media. Peers' carefully chosen snapshots of success, beauty and fun can lead a young person to see their own ordinary life as inadequate. You can also take a look at the article on comparison on social media on this subject.

Where Does Self-Confidence Come From? Experience, Not Praise

Many parents think they need to praise a young person more to boost their self-confidence. Sentences such as "You're so clever" or "You can do anything" are well meant, but they generally do not have the hoped-for effect. The young person does not believe this praise; or worse, they avoid trying new things for fear that "What if it turns out I'm not clever?"

Studies on self-efficacy in psychology show that the strongest source of a person's belief that they can succeed at a task is the experience of actually having succeeded at it. In other words, self-confidence is built not with words but with experiences.

Telling a young person "You can do it" is no substitute for letting them have a small experience of actually doing something.

So the parent's real task is to offer the young person opportunities in which they can succeed but will also struggle a little, to support them in the process, but not to do the job for them.

How Do You Support a Young Person Who Says "I Can't Do It"?

Give small, concrete responsibilities. Everyday tasks such as booking their own doctor's appointment by phone, doing the shopping at the market, taking in a parcel, ordering for themselves in a café or keeping track of one of the household bills feed the young person's feeling that "I can do this." Be beside them at first, then gradually step back.

Let them struggle. When the young person is having a hard time with a task, do not rush to rescue them straight away. Ask, "It looks hard. Where are you thinking of starting?" When they find their own solution, that experience will be worth more than hundreds of compliments.

Notice effort and strategy, not the outcome. Feedback such as "You really worked hard on this topic" or "Doing the easy questions first and then coming back to the hard ones worked" instead of "How clever you are" teaches the young person to focus on things they can control.

Normalise making mistakes. Share your own mistakes and how you dealt with them. A story like "Today I stumbled over my words in a presentation at work; I was a bit embarrassed, but then I pulled myself together" shows the young person that a mistake is not the end of the world.

Help them discover their strengths. Not every young person shines academically. A young person may be strong in music, sport, practical skills, getting on with animals or supporting their friends. Seeing and encouraging these areas helps the young person feel valuable as a whole person.

Avoid labels and comparisons. Do not use negative labels to describe the young person, whether in front of them or behind their back. Do not compare them with their siblings, cousins or the neighbours' children.

Help them notice their inner voice. When the young person says, "I'm stupid", instead of correcting them straight away, ask, "When you said that, what happened? What brought you to that thought?" Noticing their own thought is the first step towards questioning it.

Let their voice be heard in family decisions. From weekend plans to the new fridge, from the order of bayram (religious holiday) visits to the dinner menu, ask for the young person's opinion in family decisions, and sometimes genuinely act on their suggestion. Seeing that their opinion matters lets the young person experience the feeling that "What I think can change something."

Move forward in gradual steps. With a young person who is hesitant about joining the robotics club, you could plan for them first to watch one of the club's meetings from the sidelines, then to take on a small task in a project, and then to join fully. Each step makes the next one easier.

The Difference Between Low Self-Esteem in Teenagers and Social Anxiety

Low self-esteem in teenagers can sometimes be confused with social anxiety or depression, and sometimes accompanies them. In social anxiety, the young person intensely avoids social situations out of fear of being judged negatively by others; this fear may come with physical symptoms such as palpitations, blushing and trembling. In depression, negative thoughts about oneself are accompanied by widespread unhappiness, an inability to enjoy things, and changes in sleep and appetite.

A lack of self-confidence is not in itself a diagnosis, but it can lay the ground for these conditions. If you see some of these signs in your teenager, an assessment by a specialist is helpful.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Doubting oneself from time to time is something every young person experiences while growing up, and it is not in itself a cause for concern. However, it is advisable to seek support from a specialist in these situations:

• Because of their insecurity, the young person is missing out on clear opportunities at school, in friendships or in activities
• Negative thoughts about themselves have become constant, and sentences such as "I'm useless at everything" have become frequent
• Intense avoidance of social situations and physical signs of anxiety are seen
• There is long-lasting unhappiness, withdrawal, or changes in sleep and appetite
• Bullying, exclusion or another negative experience is markedly affecting the young person's life
• The young person talks about thoughts of harming themselves or not wanting to live; in this case, call 112 (emergency services) urgently

How Is a Lack of Self-Confidence Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, the young person explores their negative beliefs about themselves, where these beliefs come from and how they affect their daily life. In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "I'm not good enough" or "Everyone is better than me" are examined together with the evidence for them; the young person learns to look at themselves in a more balanced and compassionate way.

Behavioural experiments are also an important part of therapy. The young person faces the situations they avoid in small steps and tests the "I can't" belief against real experience. When core beliefs formed early in life, such as "inadequacy" or "failure", are recognised, work is done on the effect these beliefs have today.

Sessions with parents help to establish a way of communicating at home that supports self-confidence. You can find detailed information about work with young people on the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I praise my teenager more?

Praise is valuable, but general and exaggerated praise generally does not have the hoped-for effect. Sincere, specific feedback that notices the young person's real effort, the strategy they used and their concrete progress is more effective. Alongside praise, the young person having experiences of achieving something on their own is what truly feeds self-confidence.

Do personal development camps and confidence courses work?

Some activities can offer a young person new experiences and friendships. However, a programme lasting a few days should not be expected to change on its own beliefs that have formed over years. Lasting change is fed by small, repeated experiences of success in the young person's daily life and by a supportive attitude at home.

Will a young person who lacks confidence recover by themselves over time?

Some young people regain their confidence when they find a new school, a new circle of friends or an area in which they feel good. However, if a lack of self-confidence is markedly restricting the young person's life, seeking support rather than waiting helps to prevent negative beliefs from becoming entrenched.

One of my children is very self-confident and the other is not; why?

Siblings growing up in the same home differ from each other in temperament, in the experiences they go through and in their roles in the family. A young person who has a naturally more cautious temperament, who has been bullied, or who has constantly lived in the shadow of a "successful sibling" may trust themselves less. Each young person being seen in their own right, and not being compared with their sibling, can reduce this difference over time.

• #self-confidence
• #adolescent development
• #self-efficacy
• #parenting attitudes

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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