Never owning a home can bring hopelessness, comparison and a sense of life on hold. Read about the psychology of this feeling and how to live with it.
At a relative's wedding, one of the aunties at the table asks: "So, have you bought a place yet?" You smile and say, "We're looking." In truth, you stopped looking long ago. Every time you picked up the calculator and set your monthly income against house prices, the result was the same: at this rate, it doesn't look possible. Never owning a home is, for many young people and young families today, not just an economic situation but the quiet collapse of a dream built around the future. In this article we talk about the feelings behind the sense that "I'll never be able to buy a home", how this feeling affects life decisions, and ways of building a healthier relationship with it.
Why Does the Prospect of Never Owning a Home Feel So Heavy?
In Turkey, owning a home was for many years seen as one of the most important signs of "having built a life". Expressions such as "a roof over your head", "being free of the rent worry" and "leaving a home for your children" show that a house means not just a building but security, respectability and continuity between generations. For this reason, being unable to buy a home is experienced by some people less as failing to reach a goal and more as a flaw in who they are.
This feeling also has a generational dimension. Many young people know that their parents became homeowners on a single salary, by joining a housing cooperative or by saving for a few years. When they reach the same age, they see that a similar goal is very far away, even in a household that has had a longer education and perhaps two salaries coming in. The question "They managed it, so why can't I?" leads a person to question themselves, even though they know that economic conditions have changed.
What is more, this situation depends on variables outside a person's control. House prices, interest rates and income growth cannot easily be changed by individual effort. When people think their efforts will not be enough to reach a goal, they can lose motivation and fall into a sense that "Whatever I do is in vain".
After the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, another layer was added to this picture. For many people the issue is no longer just owning a home, but being able to live in a safe, earthquake-resistant building. Safe housing being more expensive can give rise to the feeling that "I can't buy a home, and I don't even know whether the place I live in is safe". In this way, economic anxiety and anxiety about physical safety become intertwined, and the question of housing starts to take up a much heavier place in the mind.
The Feelings Behind "I'll Never Be Able to Buy a Home"
This thought is not a single emotion but the shared voice of several intertwined feelings.
Loss and grief
Perhaps the least noticed feeling is grief over the loss of a dream. A house, a garden, a room furnished to your own taste that you have pictured since childhood... Thinking that these dreams will not come true can feel like a real loss. But because this loss is not visible, it is often not recognised as grief either by the person or by those around them.
Anger and a sense of injustice
A person who cannot reach their goal despite working hard may feel anger towards the economic system, the conditions offered to their generation, and even peers who seem luckier. This anger is an understandable emotion; but when it remains unresolved for a long time, it can give way to resentment and bitterness.
Shame and inadequacy
Questions that come up at family gatherings, weddings or Bayram visits can make a person feel inadequate. Especially for young people thinking about marriage, the fact that "there's no house" can combine with a fear of being looked down on by the other side's family.
Envy and guilt
When a close friend shares the happy news that they have bought a home, it is quite common to feel a pang inside and then to blame yourself for that feeling. The question "Why do I feel like this when I should be happy for them?" makes a person turn on themselves once again. Yet envy is often a sign of a need that matters to you. Rather than suppressing this feeling, noticing it and naming it as "I want to feel secure too" makes it more manageable.
Hopelessness and putting the future on hold
The hardest of all is the dimming of hope for the future. The thought "It's not going to happen anyway" can lead a person to give up not only on the goal of a home but on other goals too. We discussed the effects of uncertainty about the future and economic pressure on mental health in detail in our article on anxiety about the future.
How Does Never Owning a Home Affect Life Decisions?
The question of housing often becomes the knot that ties up other life decisions too.
Postponing marriage: The idea that "you can't get married without a home" can be strong both among young people themselves and in their families. Because of this expectation, marriage may be put off for years, or relationships may come under strain under this burden.
Postponing having children: Some couples leave this decision to an uncertain future, saying "We won't think about children until we have our own home". As time passes, this postponement can become a source of anxiety in its own right.
Being unable to leave the family home: Young people who continue to live in the family home in order to save rather than pay rent may find themselves caught between their need for independence and economic realities. This can affect both the young person's self-confidence and relationships within the family.
A sense of life on hold: Perhaps the deepest effect is the feeling that life has not really begun, that you are in a permanent waiting room. Thoughts such as "We'll relax once we've bought a place", "We'll go on holiday once we've bought a place" and "I'll make time for my hobbies once we've bought a place" can make the value of the present invisible.
Let's say a couple in their early thirties have put aside a certain amount for a home every month since they got married. They do not go on holiday, they keep eating out with friends to a minimum and they buy nothing for themselves. A few years later, they see that the amount they have saved has come no closer to the goal in the face of rising house prices. What they feel is not only disappointment; it is also the pain of the question "Why did we never really live these years?"
At this age, the feeling that life is not moving forward in the expected order can also be part of a wider questioning. We look at this subject separately in our article on the thirties crisis.
Tips for Building a Healthier Relationship With This Feeling
We cannot change the housing market; but it is possible to stop the thought of never owning a home from defining your whole life. The suggestions below aim to keep hope alive while staying realistic.
Give your feeling a name
Instead of saying "I'm just a bit down", acknowledge that what you are going through is the loss of a dream and the grief that comes with it. Naming the feeling is the first step towards recognising it without dismissing or magnifying it. Writing this feeling down in a notebook or sharing it with someone you trust stops it wandering around inside you in a scattered way.
Remember that a home is not the only source of security
A home is an important source of a sense of security; but it is not the only one. Strong relationships, professional skills, your health, an emergency fund however small, and a support network you can turn to in hard times are also things that keep you standing. On a sheet of paper, write down the things other than a home that make you feel secure. This list balances out the thought that "everything depends on the house".
Separate your values from your goals
Goals are points to be reached; values are compasses that show the direction. Buying a home is a goal; but behind this goal lie values such as "building a safe nest for my family", "putting down roots" or "being independent". Think about ways of putting these values into practice today, while you are renting. Truly turning the flat you rent into a home, building relationships with neighbours and feeling that you belong to your neighbourhood are also ways of putting down roots.
Do not put the present on hold
Saving and planning for the future are important; but if today is postponed entirely while you do so, it wears down mental health in the long run. However tight your budget, make room for small experiences that nourish you. A short outing at the weekend, a meal you love, meeting a friend... Life is not lived once the home is bought; it is being lived right now.
The walls of a home protect you; but what keeps you standing are the bonds you build inside and outside those walls.
Build a shared story with your partner
This subject can become a quiet source of tension between couples: one may want to save more while the other wants to live in the present; one may blame the economy, the other themselves or their partner. It is important to talk about the housing question not as a story of failure but as a circumstance you are managing together. Questions such as "What matters to us, what is our realistic goal for the next few years, and how do we want to live today in the meantime?" keep the two of you on the same side.
Limit your sources of comparison
Constantly seeing photos of new house keys on social media strengthens the perception that "everyone is succeeding except me". Yet behind these posts there may be many invisible stories, such as an inheritance, family support or long-term debts. Judge your own path by your own circumstances, not by other people's shop windows.
Talk about family expectations
Expectations such as "It won't do without a home" often come from the conditions of the families' own era. Talking about these expectations calmly, sharing today's economic realities and standing behind your own decisions can reduce the pressure on both you and your family. The aim of this conversation is to be understood rather than to persuade.
Focus on small steps you can control
Even if owning a home seems a distant goal, there are steps you can take today: reviewing your spending, investing in your professional development, researching different housing options. These steps do not solve everything on their own; but they open up room to move against the feeling that "I can't do anything".
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Feeling disappointment and anxiety in the face of economic conditions is entirely natural. However, it may be helpful to see a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If hopelessness about the future has lasted for weeks and is affecting your daily life
- If you can no longer enjoy the things you used to enjoy
- If you constantly compare yourself with others and feel worthless
- If this subject is causing constant conflict in your relationship or within the family
- If thoughts such as "There's no point in living" have started to go round in your mind
If you are having thoughts of harming yourself or ending your life, please do not carry them alone; in an emergency call 112 (emergency services) and let someone you trust know straight away.
How Are These Feelings Addressed in Therapy?
Therapy will not give you a home; but it helps you work with the cycle of hopelessness, shame and comparison that forms around the thought of never owning a home. If hopelessness and lack of motivation are to the fore, work in the area of depression and mood can accompany this process.
In cognitive behavioural therapy, thoughts such as "I'll never be able to buy a home, so I'm a failure" are addressed. The overgeneralisation, personalisation and catastrophising within these thoughts are identified. Without denying the reality of economic conditions, the fairness of the conclusions a person reaches about themselves is questioned.
Values-based work helps a person reorganise their life not only around goals they cannot reach, but around the values that matter to them. This approach supports the move from the thought "My life will start once I've bought a home" to the thought "I can make my life meaningful today too".
Grief and acceptance work helps people make peace with dreams that have not come true. Acceptance is not giving up; it is being able to see what is as it is and carry on living in spite of it.
In some people this feeling combines with beliefs from childhood such as "I'm not good enough" or "I always fall behind". A schema therapy perspective can help to see how these old beliefs feed today's hopelessness.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is renting a failure?
No. The way you are housed does not measure a person's worth or success. In many countries people spend most of their lives renting, and this is not seen as a shortcoming. What matters is being able to feel safe and at peace where you live.
My family says "Don't get married until you've bought a home". What should I do?
Your family's expectation probably comes from a wish to protect you and from the conditions of their own era. While showing that you are trying to understand them, you can calmly explain today's conditions and your own plans. In the end this is a decision for you and your partner to make; getting support can make these conversations easier.
Can never owning a home lead to depression?
Being unable to buy a home is not in itself considered a cause of depression; but long-lasting hopelessness, comparison and a sense of life on hold can pave the way for depressive symptoms in some people. If you have had a marked lack of motivation, an inability to enjoy things and changes in sleep or appetite for more than two weeks, you are advised to consult a professional.
Should I give up on my dream of buying a home?
You do not need to give up on your dream entirely; but it is important not to tie your whole life to it. Keeping the goal alive while also living in the present, putting your values into practice in different ways and staying flexible protect both hope and your mental health.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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