Why do obsessive thoughts come, and why do they grow stronger the more you suppress them? Ways to build a healthier relationship with unwanted, sticky thoughts.
When the chorus of a song goes round in your head all day, you usually laugh as you tell people about it. But what if the thing going round in your head were not a song but a question that troubles you? "Do I really love my fiancée?", "Was there something strange about the way I swallowed just now?", "Am I going to say something inappropriate at the condolence visit?" Once these questions arrive, they do not leave; the more you answer them, the more new ones appear. Obsessive thoughts are loops that the mind sets up without your permission and that you cannot seem to break. In this article we explain why these thoughts come, why they grow stronger the more you fight them, and how you can build a healthier relationship with them. We will not limit ourselves to a single theme, because although the content of obsessions varies from person to person, the way they work is strikingly similar.
What Are Obsessive Thoughts?
Obsessive thoughts are thoughts, images, doubts or urges that enter a person's mind unbidden, keep coming back and cause intense unease. In clinical language they are called "obsessions". The person often recognises that these thoughts are excessive or irrational, but cannot get them out of their mind.
Strange, disturbing or meaningless thoughts come into everyone's mind from time to time. Research shows that intrusive thoughts of this kind occur in the great majority of people. The difference lies not in the thought arriving, but in how one responds to it. Most people notice these thoughts and let them pass. A person who enters this loop, however, treats the thought as important, dangerous or meaningful and makes an effort to get rid of it.
Thoughts of this kind are one of the core components of obsessive compulsive disorder. If you would like to understand the general framework of OCD, you can also take a look at our article what is OCD. However, experiencing such thoughts does not always mean a diagnosis of OCD.
The difference between an obsessive thought, worry and overthinking
These three concepts are often confused:
- Worry is built around real-life problems: rent, exams, work, a child's health. The person usually finds their worry reasonable.
- Overthinking is turning over an event that has happened, or a decision to be made, at length in your mind. We discuss this in our article on overthinking.
- An obsessive thought, by contrast, often carries content that conflicts with the person's values, feels alien to them and makes them question themselves: "Why am I thinking this?" A ritual, check or search for reassurance then usually begins in order to relieve the distress that follows.
Common Forms of Obsessive Thoughts
Obsessions can attach themselves to almost any subject. Themes of cleanliness, checking, religion and harm are well known; some less talked-about forms are:
Relationship doubts: "Do I really love them?", "What if they're not the right person?", "If I found someone else more attractive, what does that mean?" The person constantly measures what they feel when looking at their partner, compares themselves with other couples, and goes over past relationships in their mind again and again.
Bodily awareness obsessions: Noticing your breathing, swallowing, blinking or heartbeat and then being unable to put it back on "autopilot". The person worries, "What if I always notice it like this?", and that worry increases the awareness even further.
Obsessions about words and actions: The fear of saying something inappropriate out loud, starting to laugh at a condolence visit or insulting your manager in a meeting. Some people cannot be sure whether they said a sentence or not, and replay the conversation in their mind.
Existential obsessions: "Do I really exist?", "What if this life is a dream?", "What does infinity mean?" These questions come not with philosophical curiosity but with a compulsion that turns relentlessly and leaves the person uneasy.
Moral doubts: Constantly weighing how bad a small mistake made in the past was, wondering whether you told a lie, feeling the need to confess.
In children and young people
Obsessive thoughts are not exclusive to adults. Children often cannot put thoughts such as "If I don't love Mum enough, something will happen to her" or "I thought a bad word, now I'll be punished" into words; instead, they keep asking the same question, repeat certain sentences before going to bed, or cannot sleep "without counting something in their head". In adolescents, thoughts may attach to subjects such as identity, friendship and the future, and may be hidden with great shame. When you notice signs like these in your child, listening without judging them and consulting a child mental health professional is a good start.
What all these thoughts have in common is that the person wants to get rid of the thought as quickly as possible, find a definite answer to it or "neutralise" it.
Why Do Obsessive Thoughts Come, and Why Don't They Go Away?
Trying to suppress a thought makes it bigger
In a well-known psychology experiment, participants are asked not to think about a white bear. The result is not surprising: those who try not to think about the white bear think about it more often. To keep a thought away, the mind constantly checks for it; and this checking calls the thought up again and again.
Giving the thought great meaning
Beliefs such as "If I thought this, it must mean something", "This thought shows my true face" and "If I can't control a thought, I'm losing my mind" turn an ordinary mental event into an urgent danger.
The search for certainty
A demand such as "I must be one hundred per cent sure that I love them" can never be met. Feelings and thoughts are changeable by nature. A mind seeking certainty finds a new doubt inside every answer.
Rituals and reassurance
To get rid of the thought, the person asks questions, searches online, gathers "evidence" in their mind and replaces the thought with a good one. Each brings brief relief, but sends the mind the message: "This thought really was important." Next time, the thought comes back stronger.
Predisposition and stress
A family history of anxiety or OCD, a perfectionistic temperament with a strong sense of responsibility, intense stress, lack of sleep and major life changes can lay the ground for this loop.
Living With Obsessive Thoughts in Daily Life
Imagine a man in his late twenties, in the middle of wedding preparations, who is shaken by a question that comes to him over breakfast with his fiancée: "What if I don't love her?" He has never had such a doubt before. From that day on, every time he looks at his fiancée's face he tries to measure the love inside him; when he feels no excitement for a moment, he panics. He asks his friends, "How did you know about your wife?" and does tests online. The wedding invitations have been printed and the families are viewing wedding venues; meanwhile he is gradually wearing himself out without being able to tell anyone. In this picture, the problem is often not an absence of love but the compulsion to prove that love conclusively. Of course, questioning a relationship does not always mean obsession; to make the distinction, you need to look at the nature of the doubt.
These thoughts can affect a person's life in different ways:
- Difficulty concentrating and reduced productivity at work or in lessons because of internal debates lasting hours
- Thought loops that delay falling asleep and start again on waking in the night
- Avoiding certain people, places or situations
- Fatigue in relationships from constantly asking loved ones questions
- Loneliness and shame because of thoughts that cannot be told to anyone
- In the long term, low mood, exhaustion and hopelessness
This process is confusing for loved ones too. If someone you love asks the same question every day, answering patiently seems at first to be the right thing to do. But every answer brings brief relief, followed by a new question. When loved ones use gentle but clear language, such as "This question sounds like the obsession asking; how about we wait a little together?", it protects both the relationship and the process of change.
The more you try to defeat a thought, the more time you spend with it; when you notice it and carry on with your day, its voice begins to fade.
How Can You Cope With Obsessive Thoughts?
The following approaches aim not to "erase" obsessive thoughts but to change your relationship with them. For most people, the real relief comes from this.
- Observe the thought; do not argue with it. Instead of looking for an answer to "What if I don't love her?", notice: "My mind is asking this question again." Arguing with a thought means taking it seriously.
- Put some distance between yourself and the thought. Saying "I'm having the thought that I'm a bad person" instead of "I'm a bad person" opens a small but effective gap between the thought and yourself.
- Notice reassurance seeking and postpone it. When you are about to ask a question or search online, wait ten minutes. You will often find that the urge has diminished in that time.
- Invite the thought deliberately. Strange as it may sound, deliberately thinking the obsessive thought for a set period during the day often causes less distress than running away from it. When symptoms are intense, it is safer to plan this with a professional.
- Bring your attention back to the present moment. The thought comes; you return to the task in hand, the person in front of you, the road you are walking along. The aim is not to chase the thought away, but to let it be there beside you while you carry on with your life.
- Look after your sleep, movement and stress management. A tired mind gets stuck more often. Regular sleep and physical activity can affect how often obsessive loops occur.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
- These thoughts take up a significant part of your day
- You are having difficulties at work, at school or in your relationships because of these thoughts
- Rituals, checking or constant reassurance seeking have started in order to relieve the thoughts
- You have started avoiding certain situations
- You feel hopeless, exhausted or helpless
When symptoms are intense, an assessment by a psychiatrist may also be recommended in addition to psychotherapy. If you are having thoughts of ending your life, do not wait; call 112 (emergency services) or go to the nearest emergency department.
How Are Obsessive Thoughts Addressed in Therapy?
In this area, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and one of its applications, Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), are widely used. Alongside these, approaches drawing on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can also support a change in one's relationship with thoughts. You can see how individual work proceeds on our individual therapy page.
Making the loop visible
In the first stage we look together at which thoughts come, what meaning is given to them and what is done afterwards. Many people become aware of their invisible mental rituals at this stage.
Re-evaluating the meaning of thoughts
Beliefs such as "If this thought came, it must be true" and "I should be able to control my thoughts" are questioned. Through experience, the person learns that thoughts are not reality or intention, but events produced by the mind.
Exposure and response prevention
The person faces the thoughts and situations they avoid, following steps agreed together; meanwhile they do not seek reassurance, do not check and try not to carry out their mental rituals. For example, for someone with relationship doubts, writing down and reading the sentence "Maybe I don't love her; I can't know that" could be one step.
Acceptance and values
In acceptance-based work, the person learns to redirect the energy spent on controlling thoughts towards goals that matter to them. We describe this approach in detail in our article on acceptance and commitment therapy.
Ups and downs
The process does not progress in a straight line. During periods of intense stress, an old thought may return or shift to a new theme. In therapy this possibility is discussed in advance; the person learns, without getting caught up in the content of the thought, to recognise how the loop works and return to the skills they have learnt. For example, someone who has worked on relationship doubts may notice a similar loop around health anxiety a few years later; this time, because they know what to do, getting out of the loop is often easier.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do obsessive thoughts mean there is something wrong with my brain?
Intrusive thoughts are an ordinary part of the human mind. The problem usually lies not in the existence of the thought, but in the meaning given to it and in the loop set up to relieve it. Even so, if your thoughts are noticeably affecting your life, a professional assessment will help you understand your situation.
Why do these thoughts get worse when I lie down?
When the activities that distract your attention during the day come to an end, the mind turns inwards. Tiredness and silence make thoughts sound louder. Rather than arguing with the thoughts in bed, noticing them and returning to your breath or your body can make it easier to fall asleep.
How can I tell whether the doubt in my relationship is an obsession or a real problem?
In a genuine relationship problem, doubt is usually based on concrete experiences and becomes clearer as it is talked through. In obsessive doubt, the person cannot point to a concrete problem in the relationship, the doubt starts again with every answer, and rituals such as measuring and comparing accompany it. It can be hard to make this distinction on your own; talking with a professional brings clarity.
Bu yazı genel bilgilendirme amaçlıdır; tanı veya tedavi yerine geçmez. Yaşadığınız güçlükler için bir ruh sağlığı uzmanına başvurmanız önerilir. Acil bir durumda lütfen 112'yi arayın.
Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
Eğitimler
