My Teenager Is Smoking: When Young People Discover Cigarettes and Vapes

Found out your teenager is smoking or vaping? Why young people start, the truth about e-cigarettes, the first talk and how the family can help them quit.

Before putting the coat in the washing machine, you empty its pockets: a lighter, a few pieces of chewing gum and a small, fruit-scented device that at first glance looks like a USB stick. Or the familiar smell from the bedroom, the gum that masks their breath, the wish to "go for a little walk" every evening. Many parents find it hard to say the sentence "My teenager is smoking" even to themselves at first. In this article we look at why young people get to know cigarettes and e-cigarettes, what kind of conversation you can have the moment you find out, what you can say if you smoke yourself, and how you can accompany a young person through the process of quitting.

My Teenager Is Smoking: Why Does Your First Reaction Matter?

The moment you find out is usually one in which fear, anger and disappointment are mixed together. The first reactions that come to mind are fed by these feelings: shouting, searching the room, cutting off pocket money, threats that begin with "If I ever see you again...". These reactions are understandable, but they usually produce a single result: the young person does not stop smoking; they learn to hide it.

The importance of the first reaction lies in whether it keeps the door open for the conversations that follow. In adolescence, smoking that continues in secret becomes an area in which the parent has no influence left. A smoking issue that can be talked about, on the other hand, is one in which the family can still have a say.

So for the first moment two things are enough: telling them calmly that you know, and leaving the conversation for a time when you are both ready. "I found this in your coat. I'm really worried about it and I want to talk with you. Shall we sit down after dinner this evening?" This sentence tells the young person both that you know and that they are being invited not to an interrogation but to a conversation.

Why Do Young People Start Smoking?

There is no single reason for starting to smoke; usually several factors come together.

• Curiosity and experimenting: Adolescence is a time of openness to new experiences. The first cigarette is often tried from a friend's hand, at a birthday celebration or after school.
• Belonging to the group: The group that gathers in a corner of the schoolyard at break time is the shared space of those who smoke. A cigarette can be seen as the ticket to being part of that group.
• Feeling grown up: For many young people, smoking is a symbol of adulthood. For those who feel under tight control at home in particular, it can be a visible sign of independence.
• Coping with stress: The LGS or YKS period (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams), tension in the family, the end of a relationship. Some young people begin to use cigarettes as a way to calm down or "clear their head".
• Seeing it at home: If one of the parents or an older brother or sister smokes, smoking becomes an ordinary habit in the young person's eyes.
• The appeal of e-cigarettes: Fruit flavours, colourful designs and the perception of "harmless vapour" make these products attractive, especially to younger teenagers.

It also matters to take into account how visible smoking is in social life in Turkey. Packets set out on the tables at weddings, cigarettes offered to guests during bayram (religious holiday) visits, the "just one" smoked on the balcony, sayings such as "A real man has a smoke". While hearing at home that smoking is harmful, the young person also sees the elders of that same home using cigarettes as a sign of hospitality and adulthood. This contradiction shapes the young person's attitude to smoking far more powerfully than words do.

Knowing these reasons is important, because the need a young person is using cigarettes to meet determines what can be put in place of what during the quitting process. Simply telling a young person who smokes to cope with stress to "Stop" can make them feel they have lost the only tool they have.

Are E-Cigarettes More Innocent?

This is one of the questions parents ask most often, because many young people get to know e-cigarettes before ordinary cigarettes. Their faint smell, how easily they can be hidden and the way they are presented as "just vapour" make these products seem more innocent both to young people and to some families.

Yet most e-cigarettes contain nicotine, and nicotine is an addictive substance. Because the adolescent brain is still developing, it is more sensitive to the addictive effect of nicotine. Some young people acquire a nicotine habit through e-cigarettes without ever having tried an ordinary cigarette; fluctuations in attention, sleep and mood can come with this.

In Turkey, the sale of tobacco products to under-18s is prohibited, and the sale of e-cigarettes is also restricted by law. Nevertheless, these products reach young people online, hand to hand or through friends. That is why talking about why the young person needs the product is more decisive than talking about the product itself.

Spotting an e-cigarette is harder than spotting an ordinary cigarette. Some clues parents can look out for: sweet, fruity smells appearing in the room or on their clothes; charging cables and small devices you do not recognise; objects hidden in a pencil case, a sock drawer or the lining of a coat; pocket money running out quickly and without explanation; frequent dry mouth or throat-clearing. None of these signs is proof on its own, but if several appear together, it may be time to talk with your teenager.

When explaining e-cigarettes to a young person, clear information is more convincing than frightening exaggerations. Sentences such as "This will kill you" lose their effect because they ring hollow to a young person who sees healthy-looking smokers all around them. Saying "The nicotine in it is addictive, and at your age the brain is more open to that" is information that is not up for debate.

My Teenager Is Smoking: How Should I Have the First Conversation?

The aim of the conversation is not to get the young person to confess to smoking, but to understand them and to convey your concern clearly.

Start with curiosity, not interrogation. A string of questions such as "Since when have you been smoking, who did you get it from, who do you smoke with?" makes a young person shut down. Questions such as "When did you first try it, what did it feel like?" or "What does smoking do for you?" create space for the young person to describe their own experience.

Express your concern with "I" statements. Saying "I'm very worried about your health and I'm afraid of this turning into a habit" instead of "You're ruining yourself" conveys concern rather than blame.

Make the house rules clear. You may not be able to fully control what the young person does outside; but rules such as no smoking at home, not wanting pocket money spent on cigarettes, and no e-cigarette devices in the house are areas you can decide on. Explain the rules calmly in this conversation, not in a moment of anger.

Ask about their intention to quit. Some young people already want to stop but do not know how. The question "Have you ever thought about stopping? How can I help you?" shows the young person that you are beside them as a companion on the road.

Do not expect to solve everything in one conversation. The first conversation is a beginning. Even if the young person becomes defensive or wants to close the subject, it is enough to say that you are leaving the door open.

It is far more possible to make progress on quitting with a young person who can talk to you about their smoking than with one who hides it.

What Can You Say If You Smoke Too?

"My teenager is smoking, but so am I; how can I possibly tell them not to?" This is the point many parents find hardest. When the young person says "But you smoke too", the parent feels defenceless and either closes the conversation or hardens it with anger.

In this situation, honesty is the strongest argument. "You're right, I smoke too. I started when I was your age and I've been trying to stop for years. I don't want you to be tied to something for that long as well." This sentence does not weaken a parent's authority; on the contrary, it bears living witness to how binding smoking can be.

Even more effective is linking the young person's quitting process to your own attempt to quit. Deciding to stop together, supporting each other and sharing the difficult days creates a shared goal within the family. At the very least, not smoking inside the home or in the car, and not presenting smoking as an ordinary habit in front of the young person, are important steps.

How Can the Family Help During the Quitting Process?

When a young person decides to stop, the first weeks of the process are usually hard. Nicotine withdrawal can show itself as irritability, difficulty concentrating, sleep problems and restlessness. The family's support during this period is decisive.

• Identify triggers together. After school, a break while studying, meeting certain friends, the moments after an argument. Knowing when the young person most wants a cigarette makes it possible to plan for those moments in advance.
• Find alternatives. For a young person who struggles when their hands are empty, chewing gum, a stress ball or a short walk; for one who smokes to cope with stress, approaches such as breathing exercises or sport can help.
• Do not turn slips into disasters. Having a cigarette or two during the quitting process is common. Rather than interpreting this as "You'll never manage to stop anyway", talking about it with "This is a hard process; where did it get difficult?" keeps the young person trying.
• Notice small progress. Seeing and appreciating steps such as getting through a week without cigarettes, or being able to say no in a group of friends, feeds motivation.
• Know the professional resources. Family doctors and smoking cessation clinics also support young people. ALO 171 (Turkey's quit-smoking helpline) is another resource that both young people and families can turn to. If medical options that may help with quitting are being considered, these must always be discussed as part of a doctor's assessment.

The role of the peer group in quitting should not be overlooked either. It is harder for a young person to stop when all their friends smoke. This does not mean banning their friends; but finding settings where the young person can also spend time without cigarettes around, such as a sports team or a course, supports the quitting process.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Trying a cigarette is common in adolescence, and not every experiment turns into addiction. However, getting support from a professional may be useful in the following situations:

• If the young person wants to stop but cannot, despite several attempts
• If cigarettes or e-cigarettes have become the only way of coping with intense anxiety or anger
• If there are signs of alcohol or other substance use alongside smoking
• If there is marked low mood, withdrawal or a sudden drop in school performance
• If smoking has become a constant and escalating source of conflict at home

If you are worried that other substances may also be involved beyond cigarettes, our article on substance use in teenagers describes the signs and approaches in more detail.

How Is Smoking in Teenagers Addressed in Therapy?

In therapy, smoking is addressed not just as a habit but in terms of which of the young person's needs it is meeting. In the counselling for teenagers process, work may focus on the following areas:

Exploring motivation: Most young people feel ambivalent about quitting. The therapist helps the young person weigh up, in their own words, what smoking gives them and what it costs them. Finding their own reasons rather than having a decision imposed from outside can make change more lasting.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques: Thoughts such as "If I don't smoke I can't calm down" or "If I don't smoke with the group I'll be left out" are examined. Triggering situations are identified and alternative ways of coping with them are planned together.

Working with the underlying difficulty: If smoking is being used as a way of coping with exam anxiety, social anxiety or tension in the family, the focus of therapy also turns to that difficulty.

Working with the family: The house rules, how the young person can be supported in quitting and how to approach slips are discussed with the parents. The parent's own smoking can also be addressed, without judgement, as part of this process.

Frequently Asked Questions

If I let them smoke at home, they won't smoke secretly outside. Wouldn't that be better?

Allowing smoking at home turns it, in the young person's eyes, into a habit approved by the family and can make quitting harder. It also exposes the other people at home to smoke. Making smoking something that can be talked about is not the same as permitting it.

The school rang: they were caught vaping in the toilets. How should I respond?

First, work with the school to find out the details of what happened; avoid piling heavy punishments at home on top of any sanctions the school applies. Using this incident as the start of your first serious conversation with the young person about smoking is far more useful.

Is it right to search their room and throw the cigarettes away?

Secret searches seriously damage trust when they are discovered and push the young person to hide things better. Stating openly that cigarettes and devices are not to be kept at home, and discussing in advance what will happen if they are found, is a more transparent way.

They promised to stop, but I smelt it again. What should I do?

This is common during the quitting process, and it helps to see the broken promise not as a betrayal but as a sign of how hard quitting is. Talk calmly with the young person and try to understand together at which moments they struggle; seek support from a professional if needed.

• #teenage smoking
• #vaping
• #addiction
• #parenting

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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