Grief in Teenagers: How Can You Support a Young Person After a Loss?

How is grief in teenagers experienced? How a young person reacts after losing a relative or friend, what families can do, and signs that support is needed.

On the evening you come back from the funeral, your fifteen-year-old son puts his headphones on and retreats to his room. The next day he wants to go to school; in the evening he goes to a match with his friends and laughs. You, meanwhile, are bewildered: he has lost his grandfather, the man he spent his childhood with; why has he not cried at all? A few weeks later, at a moment you least expect, his eyes fill with tears as he looks at his grandfather's chair at the table, and he leaves the table. Grief in teenagers is not experienced the way adults expect, as constant and visible sadness. It comes in waves; sometimes it stays hidden for days, sometimes it surfaces suddenly with a song or a smell. In this article I explain what a young person who has suffered a loss may feel, why grief looks different in adolescence, and how you as a family can walk alongside them.

How Is Grief in Teenagers Different from Adult Grief?

Teenagers understand as well as adults that death is irreversible, that it can happen to anyone and that the loss will change their lives permanently. But the emotional tools to carry this understanding are not yet fully developed. This leads grief to appear in some distinctive ways.

Grief that comes in waves. Young people often move in and out of grief. A young person who was crying an hour ago may be joking with friends an hour later. This does not mean they do not care about the loss; the mind needs to carry as much as it can bear and then take a break. To adults this fluctuation may look like inconsistency, but it is in fact a protective mechanism.

Avoiding looking different. Adolescence is a period in which fitting in with peers matters a great deal. A young person who has suffered a loss may be uncomfortable being seen in class as "the kid whose dad died", or being pitied. So at school they act as if everything is fine, and keep their feelings for home, or even just for their room.

The need to protect a parent. Young people may hide their own pain so as not to upset a grieving mother or father. The thought "Mum is already so upset; I shouldn't cry as well" lies behind many young people's silence.

Questions of identity and the future. The loss of a parent can also shake a young person's plans for their own future. Thoughts such as "Who will see me graduate?" or "Dad won't be at my wedding" show that the loss is not confined to the present. Grief can be revived at every important turning point in the young person's life.

What Reactions Can Be Seen in a Young Person After a Loss?

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some or several of the following reactions are common in young people after a loss:

• Emotional reactions: Sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, bewilderment, numbness, and sometimes relief (especially after a long illness)
• Changes in behaviour: Withdrawal, drifting away from friends or, on the contrary, hardly ever being at home, irritability, sudden outbursts of anger
• Physical complaints: Headaches and stomach aches, tiredness, sleep problems, changes in appetite
• Difficulties at school: Being unable to concentrate, a drop in grades, lack of interest in lessons
• Risky behaviour: In some young people, especially those who cannot put their anger and pain into words, behaviour such as driving fast or trying alcohol or drugs may appear
• Worries about death: Fear that they themselves or other loved ones will also die, excessive worry about health

Guilt is particularly common in teenagers. Thoughts such as "I was rude to him the last time we spoke", "I should have been with her more at the hospital" or "That day I could have talked my friend out of getting on the motorbike" may go round and round in the young person's mind. Listening to these thoughts and being able to talk about them without judgement is important for grief to progress healthily.

Losing a Friend: A Grief That Is Often Overlooked

The losses teenagers experience are not limited to family members. A classmate dying in a traffic accident, a friend lost to a serious illness or a loss through suicide can be a profound shock for a teenager. Yet this grief is often not taken seriously enough by those around them: comments such as "He wasn't even a relative" or "They weren't that close" belittle the young person's pain.

In adolescence, however, friendships are at the centre of identity. Losing someone with whom they shared the same desk, the same school bus and the same messaging group every day means, for the young person, that a part of their life has disappeared. On top of this, a peer's death can lead the young person to face their own mortality for the first time: "If someone my age can die, I can die too."

Social media also holds a special place in the loss of a friend. Young people share photos of the friend they have lost, write messages on their profile and prepare memorial stories. These posts can provide a space for grief; but for some young people, constantly coming across photos keeps the pain fresh, or memorial posts turning into a contest of "who is grieving more" causes discomfort. It helps to talk with the young person about this without judgement and to think together about which posts do them good.

The school's approach is also decisive in this process. The empty desk in the classroom, teachers never raising the subject or, on the contrary, bringing it up in every lesson affect young people in different ways. The school counselling service holding a small memorial with the class, or setting aside a lesson in which young people can talk about their feelings, helps grief in teenagers to be lived through together with the community. As a parent, do not hesitate to ask what the school is doing about this.

What Can You Do as a Family?

A grieving young person needs not words that will make the pain go away, but a presence that lets them feel they are not alone with it.

Talk about the death in clear, honest language. Teenagers want to know the truth, and often they already know it. Giving honest information about how the death happened, at a level suited to their age and their question, stops the young person from filling the gaps in their mind with anxiety. Hiding the truth brings the risk that the young person will one day find out from others, and a loss of trust.

Let them take part in funeral and memorial rituals. In Turkey, rituals such as the funeral, the condolence visits, the making of helva (a traditional sweet prepared for mourners), the mevlit (a memorial prayer gathering) and the memorials on the fortieth and fifty-second days allow grief to be lived together with the community. Ask the teenager whether or not they want to take part in these rituals, tell them beforehand what they will see, and respect their decision. To a young person who does not want to attend, you can suggest another way of saying goodbye: writing a letter, or visiting the grave later at a quiet time.

Do not hide your own grief. Crying in front of the young person does not upset them; on the contrary, it shows that grief can be shared. Saying, "I miss Dad a lot too; sometimes it feels very hard" opens the door for the young person to express their own feelings. What matters is that your grief is not handed over to the young person as a burden they cannot carry.

Do not force them to talk; keep the door open. Some young people do not want to talk directly about grief. Conversations had sitting side by side in the car, cooking together or on a walk without eye contact can be easier than sitting face to face and saying, "Come on, let's talk."

Make remembering possible. Mentioning the name of the person who has died, cooking the food they loved, looking at their photos and telling memories about them show the young person that they do not have to forget them. Some young people find comfort in preparing a memory box or writing letters to the person they have lost.

Keep the daily routine going. Routines such as school, mealtimes, sleep patterns and sport give the young person ground to hold on to at a time when life has been shaken. However, in the first weeks it is also necessary to relax expectations a little and accept that they may be tired and absent-minded.

Communicate with the school. Informing the school counsellor and the class teacher ensures that the young person is met with understanding during difficult moments at school. When doing so, the young person should be able to say how much they want shared.

What to Say and What Not to Say to a Grieving Young Person

Those close to us often speak with good intentions, to comfort. But some clichéd sentences can make the young person's burden heavier rather than lighter.

Sentences to be careful with:

• "You're the man of the house now" or "Now you'll take your mother's place": This phrase, often said at the funeral to a boy who has lost his father, leaves a responsibility far beyond his age on the young person's shoulders. Many young people carry this sentence for years and do not allow themselves to grieve.
• "You have to be strong; don't cry in front of your mother": This teaches the young person that they must hide their feelings.
• "You wouldn't have wanted to be in their place; they're at peace now": This can devalue the young person's experience of the pain of loss.
• "You'll forget in time": The young person does not want to forget the person they loved; this phrase can feel like betrayal to them.

What can be said instead:

• "Whatever you feel, you can talk about it here."
• "I miss him a lot too. What comes to your mind most?"
• "Today might be a hard day; if you need anything, I'm here."
• "I don't know what to say, but I won't leave you alone."

Sometimes saying nothing at all and just sitting beside them is enough.

Grief in an Exam Year or at Turning Points

When a loss coincides with a year of preparing for the LGS or YKS (Turkey's national high-school and university entrance exams), the family is often caught between two feelings: on one side, respect for the young person's pain; on the other, worry about their future. Some young people suppress their grief by burying themselves in study; others cannot concentrate at all. In both cases it is important to give the young person the message, "This year may not go as usual, and that is not your failure." If necessary, discussing goals again and loosening expectations about the exam a little makes room for both the young person's grief and their future.

Grief can be revived on special days such as graduation, birthdays, bayrams (religious holidays) and anniversaries of the death. Thinking about these days in advance, for example remembering the person together at the bayram table or planning a visit to the grave on the anniversary, can help those days to be less shaking. For more general information about grief, you can take a look at the article on the grieving process.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Grief is not an illness but a natural consequence of love. Many young people carry this process over time with the support of their family and those around them. In some cases, however, professional support may be needed:

• Intense sadness, hopelessness and a marked decline in functioning are continuing even after months have passed
• The young person has stopped going to school or seeing their friends for a long time
• Alcohol or substance use or dangerous behaviour has begun after the loss
• The death was sudden, violent or traumatic, and the young person keeps reliving images of that moment in their mind and having nightmares
• Feelings of guilt are markedly affecting the young person's life
• The young person talks about wanting to be reunited with the person they have lost, about life being meaningless, or about wanting to die

The last point is especially important. If a young person who has suffered a loss talks about thoughts of harming themselves or ending their life, take this seriously and, in an emergency, call 112 (emergency services) without delay. Where grief and depression are intertwined, the article on depression in teenagers may also offer guidance.

How Is Grief in Teenagers Addressed in Therapy?

The aim in therapy is not to "finish" grief or make the young person forget the person they have lost. The aim is to find a way in which the young person can carry their pain, continue their bond with the person they have lost in a new form, and go on with their life.

In sessions, the young person has the opportunity to voice, in a safe space, the feelings they cannot express at home, especially anger and guilt. In the cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) approach, thoughts such as "It happened because of me" or "I'll never be happy again" are gently examined. If the loss was experienced in a traumatic way, trauma-focused methods are brought into the process. Some young people find it easier to express their feelings through drawing, writing or music than through talking; therapy makes room for these routes too.

Sessions with parents are important for talking about how the family can carry both its own grief and the young person's grief. You can find detailed information about work with young people on the adolescent counselling page.

Frequently Asked Questions

My teenager is not crying at all; is this normal?

Not crying does not mean they are not grieving. Some young people experience their pain when they are alone; others need time to grasp the reality of the loss. If the young person's daily functioning is maintained and the door to conversation is open, not crying is not in itself a cause for concern.

Should I take my teenager to the funeral?

Most teenagers feel that attending the funeral is an important opportunity to say goodbye. It is advisable to make the decision together with the young person, to tell them beforehand what they will see, and to make sure an adult they trust is beside them during the funeral. If they do not want to attend, you can suggest another way of saying goodbye without pushing them.

How long does grief in teenagers last?

Grief has no set duration. Intense pain usually eases over time, but it can be revived on special days and at life's turning points. What matters is not how long the grief lasts, but whether the young person can reconnect with their life over time.

Is it healthy for them to write messages to the social media account of the person they lost?

Many young people maintain their bond with the person they have lost by writing messages on their profile or in their chat history. This is a very common and often comforting behaviour in the early stages of grief. However, if these messages markedly restrict the young person's daily life or show that they cannot accept the loss at all, it is helpful to talk about this with a specialist.

• #grief
• #loss
• #adolescent mental health
• #death and young people

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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