What risks does talking to strangers online pose for teenagers? Learn the warning signs in games and apps, and what to do if you find out it is happening.
One night, when you get up for a glass of water, you notice the light of a screen and the sound of a whispered conversation coming from your teenager's room. The next day, when you ask who they were talking to, they say, "A friend from the game." They know the person's first name but not their surname; they know which city they live in but have never seen their face. Talking to strangers online is a far more ordinary experience for today's young people than their parents imagine. Most of the time it is a harmless gaming friendship; sometimes, however, it is the first step in a trap patiently woven by an adult who appears well-meaning. In this article we look at the signs that help distinguish between these two situations, how you can talk to your child about this topic, and the steps you need to take when you notice a risk.
Why Is Talking to Strangers Online So Common?
In their parents' generation, a "stranger" was the unknown person offering sweets in the street. For today's young people, however, the players they team up with in online games, the members of voice chat servers, the people they exchange comments with on a fan page for a shared series, or those who join the chat on a gaming stream are not counted as "strangers". Someone they play with for hours, whose voice they recognise and whom they message throughout the day is, for the young person, a real friend.
Some of these bonds are genuinely valuable. A young person who is alone at school can feel accepted online among people who share the same interest. For a young person living in a small district town who cannot find anyone who shares their interest, the internet can be a place where they find belonging.
But the same environment is also extremely convenient for people who present themselves as something other than they are. A profile picture, an age or a tone of voice can easily be faked. People who attempt online abuse generally use the games and apps where young people gather in large numbers, because it is easy to make contact there without being noticed. That is why the issue is not so much the act of talking to strangers online itself, but the direction in which this relationship develops.
Is Talking to Strangers Online Always Dangerous?
Approaching every online relationship with suspicion stops the young person from telling you about it. Instead, knowing the differences between a healthy online friendship and a contact that carries risk is more protective.
Relatively safe signs:
- Conversations revolve around the game, a shared interest or everyday topics.
- Communication takes place in a group setting where others can see it too.
- The person does not show excessive interest in the young person's family life, appearance or private information.
- The person sees no problem with the young person telling their family.
Signs that need attention:
- The person wants to move the conversation from the group to private messages, and then to another app.
- They create distance between the young person and those close to them with words such as "Nobody understands you like I do" or "Your family doesn't deserve you."
- They ask for secrecy: "Let's keep this conversation between us."
- They make seemingly no-strings gestures such as in-game currency, gift cards, free products or account upgrades.
- They ask for the young person's photo, school, location, or when they are home alone.
- They present themselves as close to the young person's age, but their way of talking, knowledge or interests resemble an adult's.
- They suggest meeting face to face.
How Does Online Abuse Begin? A Step-by-Step Trap
Online abuse often begins not with a sudden attack but with a process of building closeness that lasts weeks or even months. Knowing the stages of this process helps both families and young people notice the signs early.
- Selecting and approaching: The person notices young people who seem lonely, who complain about their family or who clearly need attention.
- Gaining trust: Compliments, shared interests, a listening ear. The young person may feel truly understood for the first time.
- Building a special bond: The message "You're different from the others" is given; the relationship is moved into a private and secret space.
- Isolating: Suspicion is planted between the young person and their family and friends; the importance of keeping secrets is emphasised.
- Pushing boundaries: It starts with small, innocent-looking requests; photos, personal information and requests for video calls increase step by step.
- Control and blackmail: The photos or information obtained are used to silence the young person and make them give in to new demands. The threat "If you tell anyone, I'll send it to everyone" is common.
Let's say a thirteen-year-old spends several weeks playing a popular block-building game with someone who introduces themselves as fifteen. The new friend sends them in-game currency, praises the structures they build and patiently listens to the problems they are having at school. After a while, saying "The game chat is too limited", the friend suggests moving to another messaging app and adds, "Your parents wouldn't understand, don't let them know." At this point the child senses no danger at all; on the contrary, they feel special and valued. This is exactly where the power of the trap lies.
At this final stage, the shame and fear the young person feels are the biggest obstacle to asking for help. The young person may stay silent, thinking their family will be angry with them, take away their phone or blame them. That is why it is vitally important to tell your child in advance, and again and again, that whatever happens, the fault lies not with them but with the adult who deceived them.
The strongest measure protecting your child from online risks is not an app, but their trust that they can come to you when they are in trouble.
Changes You Might Notice in Your Child
Even if the young person does not say outright that they are having a problem, their behaviour can give clues:
- Suddenly hiding their phone or computer, turning off the screen when you approach
- Long, secret conversations late at night
- Gifts, in-game currency or new accounts they cannot explain
- Mentioning a new "friend" but avoiding giving details
- Becoming tense, frightened or tearful when a notification arrives
- Sudden withdrawal, a drop in school performance, changes in sleep and appetite
- Unexplained anger towards or distancing from the family
Each of these signs can also appear for other reasons; on its own, none is proof of abuse. However, if several are seen together, it is necessary to start a calm, non-blaming conversation.
What Should You Do When You Find Out Your Child Is Talking to Strangers Online?
Calm yourself first
The first reaction is often fear and anger. Shouting, taking their phone away or saying "How many times have I told you" are understandable reactions; but they lead the young person to shut down and hide things from you next time. Take a few minutes to breathe, talk to your partner if needed, and then go to your teenager.
Listen without blaming
Start with a sentence like "Thank you for telling me. I'm not angry, I want to protect you." Calmly ask what happened, who they have been talking to and for how long, and whether there is anything they haven't wanted to tell you.
Keep the evidence
Save messages, usernames, profile information and any threatening conversations by taking screenshots. Panicking and deleting conversations, closing the account or arguing with the other person can make a later report more difficult. If intimate images of the young person are involved, do not copy them or share them with anyone; wait for guidance from the relevant authorities on this.
Block and report
Block the person and report them using the platform's complaint mechanism. Most games and apps treat complaints involving underage users as a priority. If the person is someone from your teenager's school or circle, it may also be necessary to inform the school counselling service, because the same person may be contacting other children too. When making this report, take care that your teenager's name and what they went through are not shared with more people than necessary.
Don't delay an official report
If there are threats, blackmail, requests for photos, attempts to meet or a suspicion of abuse, do not try to resolve the situation within the family alone. You can call the 112 Emergency Call Centre (emergency services), or apply to the nearest police unit or the Chief Public Prosecutor's Office. The blackmailer's demands must never be met, and no money should be sent.
A Protective Home Environment: Relationship More Than Prohibition
Cutting off internet access completely is not realistic; a large part of a young person's social life takes place online. What is protective is building rules and communication together.
- Play together: Play the game your child plays with them, even if only once, and see how its chat section works. This both helps you get to know their world and creates a natural basis for talking.
- Set up the settings together: Settings such as private messages only coming from the friends list and hiding location and profile information can be done as a family.
- Agree on a code word: When the young person encounters a disturbing situation, they can ask for help without going into detail simply by writing or saying this word.
- Limit long late-night sessions: A significant proportion of risky conversations take place at night, while everyone is asleep. Charging phones in a shared area overnight is a protective habit.
- Share your own stories: When you receive a message containing a scam attempt, talk about it with your teenager. This shows that the topic is not just a warning aimed at them. An everyday confession such as "They sent me a link for a delivery fee, I nearly clicked it" shows that adults can be deceived too and that telling someone about it is nothing to be ashamed of.
Our article on digital gaming addiction can also offer guidance on the time spent in online games and the risk of addiction.
When Should Professional Support Be Sought?
A young person who has been subjected to an attempt at online abuse or to blackmail may feel intense shame, guilt, fear and anger after the event. These feelings can continue after the incident has ended. It is important to seek support from a mental health professional in the following situations:
- If the young person withdraws or does not want to go to school after the event
- If there are sleep problems, nightmares, sudden startling or a constant state of alertness
- If they constantly blame themselves and feel worthless
- If they are intensely afraid of using their phone or the internet, or on the contrary cannot control their use
- If the topic has become impossible to talk about within the family
Blackmail and threats can increase a young person's sense of helplessness very quickly. If the young person talks about harming themselves or ending their life, call 112 (emergency services) without any delay and do not leave them alone.
For general information on the marks such an event can leave on a young person, you can read our article what is psychological trauma.
How Are Online Risk Experiences Addressed in Therapy?
The first goal in therapy is for the young person to feel safe. A setting is created in which they can talk at their own pace, without being pushed to recount the details of the event again and again. The young person's feelings of guilt and shame are addressed together; it is made clear that being deceived was not their weakness but the other person's deliberate manipulation.
Within the framework of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), thoughts such as "It happened because of me" or "Now everyone will see me differently" are tested; work is done on skills for coping with anxiety symptoms, sleep routine and rebuilding daily functioning. Where necessary, support continues with trauma-focused approaches, and a psychiatric assessment may be recommended.
Sessions with families are as important as the work with the young person. Parents learn to cope with their own feelings of guilt and anger, how to talk with the young person about the event, and how trust can be rebuilt at home. Clinical Psychologist Eda Erkan Alapala has completed the four-year CBT training of the Association for Cognitive and Behavioural Therapies (KDTD) and training in child and adolescent psychotherapy. Adolescent counselling sessions can be held face to face or online.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should I secretly read my child's messages?
Secret monitoring seriously damages trust when it is discovered and can push the young person towards more hidden routes. At younger ages, openly discussed supervision, and in adolescence, regular conversation and shared rules are healthier. If there is a concrete sign of danger, the young person's safety takes priority and closer checking may be needed.
What should I do if they want to meet someone they got to know online?
Rather than refusing this request immediately, talk about the reasons and try to verify the person's identity together. If a meeting is going to happen, it must take place with a parent present, in a crowded public place. If the person avoids meeting the family, that is a warning sign in itself.
What should I say to my child who is being blackmailed?
First, say clearly that you do not blame them and that you are on their side. Explain that the demands must not be met, no money should be sent and the conversations should be kept, and contact the official authorities without delay. During this process, supporting the young person emotionally is as important as the legal steps.
How can I inform younger siblings about this?
Talk in age-appropriate, non-frightening language: "If someone you don't know online wants to share secrets with you or asks for a photo, tell us straight away; we will never be angry with you for telling us." When appropriate, your teenager can also become someone who guides their younger sibling on this topic.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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