Why Does Therapy in Your Mother Tongue Matter? In Which Language Do Feelings Speak?

Why does therapy in your mother tongue matter? Read how expressing feelings, memories and family ties in Turkish can shape therapy for Turks living abroad.

You may have been living in another country for years, doing your job in that country's language and talking easily with your neighbour, your doctor and your child's teacher. Even so, when it comes to the deepest feelings, when you try to describe a hurt you have had with your mother or a fear left over from childhood, words can suddenly fall short. Therapy in your mother tongue gains importance at exactly this point. Feelings are often expressed more vividly, in more detail and more easily in the language in which they were first learnt. In this article we look at why therapy in your mother tongue can matter, what difficulties therapy in a foreign language can bring, what you can do on your own and how online therapy in your mother tongue works.

What Is Therapy in Your Mother Tongue and Why Does It Come Up Abroad?

Therapy in your mother tongue means receiving psychological support in the language you learnt in childhood and first expressed your feelings in. For millions of Turks living abroad, this language is Turkish; for the second and third generations the situation is a little more complicated. Some grew up speaking Turkish at home and another language at school and work. For them, the "mother tongue" may not be a single language but a space in which two languages are intertwined.

The need for therapy abroad often comes with questions like these:

• "I went to a psychologist in the country where I live, but I couldn't quite explain what I felt."
• "The therapist was good, but when I was explaining why not being able to go to my family for the holiday weighed on me so much, it felt like I was giving a lesson in culture."
• "I think in that country's language, but when I cry, I cry in Turkish."

These sentences show how strong the bond between language and feeling is. Therapy in your mother tongue is not an option that replaces the mental health services in the country where you live; it is a route that can be considered alongside them or in addition to them.

In Which Language Do Feelings Speak? The Relationship Between Language and Emotion

Studies in psychology and linguistics show that most bilingual people feel emotionally charged words more intensely in their mother tongue. There are several reasons for this.

Feelings are learnt together with language. When a small child is frightened, happy or ashamed, the adult beside them gives that feeling a name: "Were you scared, sweetheart?", "That's not nice", "You seem a bit down." In this way feeling and word are bound together. Years later, when you hear that word, not only its meaning but the bodily sensation and the memory of that moment are set in motion.

Memories are stored within language. The events of your childhood most probably took place in an environment where Turkish was spoken. Your grandmother's kitchen, something your teacher said at school, a fight with your sibling... When you describe them in another language, part of the memory can be lost between translations.

A foreign language can create distance. Some people feel as if they are watching themselves "from the outside" when speaking a second language. This distance is sometimes useful; it can make it easier to describe a hard subject more coolly. In therapy, however, the aim is often to make contact with the feeling. When there is too much distance, the person describes events but does not feel the emotion.

Feelings are often more alive in the language in which they were first learnt; making room for that language in therapy can make it easier to feel what is being said.

What Are the Difficulties of Therapy in a Foreign Language?

It is of course possible to have therapy in the language of the country where you live, and many people benefit from it. Even so, some difficulties are commonly encountered. Knowing them can help you decide which option suits you better.

Not being able to express yourself fully

A level of language that is sufficient for everyday conversation may not be enough to describe fine emotional distinctions. It is hard to find an exact equivalent of expressions such as "kırıldım" (I feel hurt), "içim burkuldu" (my heart twisted), "gönlüm olmadı" (my heart wasn't in it) or "boğazım düğümlendi" (my throat tightened). People often choose the nearest word and know that what they said is not exactly what they felt.

Having to explain the cultural context

The concept of "ayıp" (what is considered shameful or improper), the rules of hospitality, respect for elders, responsibility towards family, the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law relationship, family visits on religious holidays... Explaining these each time to someone who doesn't know them can be tiring. A significant part of a session can be spent describing not what you experienced but its "background".

Worry about being misunderstood

Some people hesitate when describing their family or culture because they fear the listener will listen with prejudice. The thought "If I describe my family, they'll think they're bad people" or "This is normal in our culture but may look strange here" can lead a person not to open up some subjects at all.

Body and fatigue

Speaking in a second language requires mental effort. When you are already tired, anxious or sad, this effort increases further. After the session the person carries the fatigue of both the subject and the language.

These difficulties do not apply to everyone. For people who know the language of the country they live in very well and can describe their feelings comfortably in it, local therapy can be perfectly suitable. What matters is noticing what is more comfortable and meaningful for you.

Cultural Context: Not Having to Explain in Order to Be Understood

In Turkish culture many feelings take shape within family and community relationships. The worry of "What will people say?", the guilt of being unable to meet the family's expectations, and the emotional weight carried by the concepts of "gurbet" (life far from home) and "sıla" (the homeland and family one longs for) are generally understood without extra explanation by someone speaking in their own language.

Imagine a woman living in Germany describing how overwhelmed she feels by her mother asking "When are you coming?" on every phone call. A therapist from the same culture can hear the longing, the reproach and the love behind this question all at once. They can more easily notice that the woman both misses her mother and feels guilty about the relief of being far from her. This does not mean the therapist knows everything; every client is unique with their own story, and a good therapist still asks and is still curious. But when the basic codes don't need to be explained separately, the session can focus directly on the real subject.

Cultural familiarity also has a risk: the therapist saying "I know this" and overlooking the client's own unique experience. For this reason, culturally sensitive therapy is not about assuming a shared culture, but about using it as a ground while discovering the person's own meanings.

The Effect of Therapy in Your Mother Tongue on Family and Relationships

The subjects many people living abroad talk about in therapy revolve around family relationships: the relationship with parents in Turkey, conflicts with a spouse, children growing up between two cultures. These are often events that were lived in Turkish and spoken about in Turkish.

In therapy in your mother tongue the following may be easier:

• Reporting family sentences as they were said. Saying "My father told me 'You have brought shame on us'" without translating it brings the feeling of that moment into the session too.
• Both sides in a couple expressing themselves comfortably. Especially where both spouses speak Turkish, when couples therapy is held in the mother tongue, one of the partners can be prevented from being left in the background because of language.
• Describing worries about children. Parents can describe in more detail in their own language matters such as their children forgetting Turkish, passing on values or being excluded at school.

In mixed marriages or the second generation, the situation may be different. Some people prefer to talk about family matters in Turkish and about work and friendships in another language. Switching between two languages in therapy is also possible, and sometimes noticing which language you choose for which subject is in itself meaningful information.

What You Can Do on Your Own: Giving Language to Your Feelings

Before starting therapy or alongside it, there are some steps you can take to connect with your feelings in your mother tongue.

1. Keep a feelings diary in Turkish. Set aside five minutes each evening and write about the most intense moment of the day. Answer the questions "What happened, what did I feel, where in my body did I feel it, what went through my mind?" in Turkish. If you are searching for words as you write, don't rush; finding the right word is itself an awareness exercise.
2. Widen your feelings vocabulary. Instead of "I feel bad", try using more detailed expressions such as "I feel hurt", "I'm disappointed", "I feel lonely" or "I'm angry but actually I'm sad". Even writing twenty feeling words on a piece of paper and sticking it on the fridge can work.
3. Observe which language you choose for which subject. For a week, note which language you switch to when describing something difficult. Perhaps you express your anger in the language of the country where you live and your sadness in Turkish. This pattern tells you something about yourself.
4. Talk in Turkish with someone you trust. At least once a week, talk about your feelings with a friend or relative who will listen without judging you. Not only at the level of "How are you, I'm fine", but really telling them what you are going through.
5. Listen to your body. Feelings are first felt in the body. During the day ask yourself, "Are my shoulders tense right now, is my stomach in a knot?" Noticing the bodily sensation makes it easier to put a name to the feeling.
6. Take your cultural needs seriously. Listening to Turkish music, cooking a dish, reading a book in Turkish may look like "nostalgia", but they actually let you connect with a part of your identity. Add them to your list of activities that do you good.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Not every emotional difficulty requires therapy. However, if the following situations last longer than a few weeks and affect your daily life, you may consider talking to a specialist:

• Unhappiness, listlessness or a feeling of emptiness lasting almost every day
• Marked changes in sleep and appetite
• Symptoms of anxiety such as constant worry, palpitations and shortness of breath
• Frequent and unresolved conflicts with family or spouse
• A growing sense of loneliness and withdrawal
• Marked loss of functioning at work, school or in household tasks
• Turning more often to alcohol or other substances

These signs alone do not amount to a diagnosis; but they can be signs that you may need support. Even so, rather than putting these signs off, talking to a specialist and assessing your situation helps you clarify what kind of support you need.

An important note for emergencies: If you have thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, or if you feel unsafe, call the emergency number of the country you are in immediately: 112 in EU countries, 911 in the US and Canada, 999 or 112 in the UK, and 000 in Australia. Online therapy is not an emergency intervention service; in situations of severe risk, local emergency services and local psychiatric services are necessary.

How Do We Work in Online Therapy in Your Mother Tongue?

Online therapy in your mother tongue is psychotherapy carried out in Turkish through video sessions. Thanks to online therapy, people living in different countries around the world can work regularly with a clinical psychologist in Turkey. You can find detailed information for those living abroad on the page about Turkish-language therapy for Turks living abroad.

The process generally runs as follows:

First sessions and assessment. In the first sessions, we talk about why you are looking for support, your current living conditions, your migration history, your family structure and your expectations. Which subjects you prefer to discuss in Turkish and which in another language can also be talked about at this stage.

Work based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). In CBT, the connection between thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations and behaviours is examined. For example, we look together at how the thought "I will never belong here" feeds the feeling of loneliness and avoiding social settings. This thought is questioned, more balanced alternatives are produced and small, practicable behavioural steps are planned. For more information about CBT you can read the article on what cognitive behavioural therapy is.

Including the cultural and migration context. In therapy we also address your decision to migrate, what you left behind, your adjustment process in the new country and your position between two cultures. The aim is not to prefer one culture over the other but to find a path in harmony with your own values.

Practical arrangements. Session times are planned according to the time difference. A quiet, private room, headphones and a secure internet connection are recommended. Payments can be made online; pricing in TL and payment with an international card are possible. It is recommended that you check with your insurer whether your health insurance in the country where you live covers this kind of service.

Homework. Between sessions, assignments such as thought records, a feelings diary or small behavioural experiments may be given. These make it easier to carry what is discussed in the session into daily life.

Frequently Asked Questions

My Turkish isn't very good. Can I still have therapy in my mother tongue?

Yes. Many people, especially in the second and third generations, whose Turkish is at an everyday conversational level prefer Turkish in therapy. Where needed, simple language is used and you are encouraged to ask about anything you don't understand. In which language you feel more comfortable can be assessed together in the first sessions.

Can I also have therapy in my mother tongue while continuing therapy in the country where I live?

Working with two different therapists at the same time is not always recommended, because different approaches can get mixed up. In such a case it is important that both therapists are informed and the goals are clarified. Different kinds of services, such as psychiatric follow-up, can be carried out alongside therapy.

Is therapy in your mother tongue as effective as face-to-face therapy?

Research shows that for many problems online therapy can give results similar to face-to-face therapy. However, effectiveness varies according to the person, the problem and the therapeutic relationship. In situations of severe risk, local and face-to-face services take priority.

Does therapy in your mother tongue solve every problem?

No, no form of therapy can give such a guarantee. Speaking in your mother tongue can make it easier to express yourself more comfortably and feel understood; but change is a process that develops through regular work, the therapeutic relationship and your participation.

• #therapy in your mother tongue
• #Turks abroad
• #online therapy
• #bilingualism

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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