Trust Issues in a Relationship: How to Rebuild Trust

Why do trust issues in a relationship happen and how can they be overcome? Learn how trust is built in small moments, how to repair it, and useful exercises.

"I want to believe them but I can't." "Even when everything seems fine, there is always a doubt inside me." Trust in a relationship is like an invisible foundation that carries everything. When this foundation is solid, two people move freely, open up and lean on each other. When it cracks, even the most ordinary delay creates anxiety, questioning and arguments. Trust issues sometimes arise from a concrete breach in the relationship, for example infidelity or a major lie, and sometimes from a deep mistrust the person carries from their past. In this article I will look at how trust is actually built, why it is shaken, the two different kinds of mistrust and the concrete steps you can take to rebuild trust.

What Is Trust and How Is It Built in a Relationship?

Trust is often summed up in the sentence "I believe them". Psychologically, though, trust has three components:

• Predictability: Your partner's behaviour being consistent. Doing what they say, and being able to predict how they will act in certain situations.
• Reliability: Believing they will be there when you need them. Knowing they will not turn their back on you in a hard moment.
• Faith: An emotional certainty that your partner has your wellbeing at heart and does not want to harm you.

What is interesting is that trust is built not through grand gestures but in small moments. Studies on couple relationships show that how partners respond to each other's small bids for attention during the day, for example sentences like "Look at this news" or "I'm so tired today", is extremely important for the future of the relationship. When your partner turns towards these small bids, in other words looks up from their phone and shows interest, a small deposit is made into the trust account. When bids are constantly ignored, the account quietly empties.

So you can think of trust as a bank account. Every promise kept and every moment you feel understood is a deposit. Every lie, every promise left unfulfilled and every moment of "not hearing" is a withdrawal. A major breach can send the account into the red in an instant.

What Are the Signs of Trust Issues?

Trust issues can show themselves in different ways:

• Constantly questioning what your partner says, needing to verify it
• Checking their phone, messages or social media accounts
• Intense anxiety and imagining worst-case scenarios when your partner is late or unreachable
• Avoiding sharing feelings and needs ("They'll use it against me anyway")
• Constantly asking for reassurance, but never finding the reassurance given enough
• Being afraid of getting close, pulling away as the relationship deepens
• Past mistakes being brought up again and again
• Never being able to lower your "guard" with your partner

Not all of these signs come from the same source. That is why understanding the type of trust issue is very important.

Two Different Trust Issues: Born From a Breach and Carried From the Past

Mistrust born from a breach in the relationship

Infidelity, a major lie, a hidden debt, promises that are constantly broken or being left alone at an important moment. In this case mistrust is an understandable reaction to a concrete event in the relationship. The mind tries to protect itself by saying, "It happened once, it can happen again." Repair in this kind of mistrust depends largely on the person who committed the breach taking responsibility and rebuilding trust through their behaviour. You can find more detailed information on the process after infidelity in my article on life after infidelity.

Mistrust carried from the past

Some people find it hard to trust even when their partners have committed no breach. Neglect in childhood, inconsistent parenting, betrayal, abuse or unfaithfulness between the parents can lead a person to develop the belief "People can't be trusted; sooner or later they'll hurt you." In the schema therapy literature this belief is described as the mistrust/abuse schema. A person with this schema constantly looks for signs of betrayal in a new relationship too and interprets ambiguous situations as threats.

This distinction matters because in the first case the solution lies largely within the relationship, while in the second the person also needs to do work in their own inner world. Often the two kinds are intertwined: when someone who carries mistrust from the past experiences a small breach in a relationship, the reaction can grow out of proportion to the event.

Say your partner told you they were meeting friends and came home an hour late. Someone who does not carry mistrust from the past may be a little upset, say "I wish you'd let me know", and the matter closes. Someone whose father hid things from the family for years and eventually left home may experience the same one-hour delay as a very old and very deep wound bleeding again. Their heart races, their mind produces scenarios, and when their partner walks through the door they start questioning. The partner, for their part, thinks they were only an hour late and finds the reaction meaningless. What each side experiences is real; but they are seeing the same event through the windows of very different pasts. Being able to talk about this difference is the first step in turning conflict into understanding.

Once trust has been shaken, it is not repaired with words; it is repaired by consistent behaviour accumulating over time.

Why Is Trust Shaken? Current Pictures in Turkey

Some things that shake trust in relationships are universal: infidelity, lies, keeping secrets, promises not kept. But the current conditions in our country also bring some new headings to the fore.

Financial secrets: In this period of rising cost of living, loans taken out without the partner's knowledge, hidden credit card debts or money given to family and not shared are straining the trust of many couples. Debts that build up and are hidden because of online betting and illegal gambling, which have become widespread in recent years, are also an important part of this heading.

The digital world: Secret accounts on social media, deleted messages and profiles left on dating apps are among the common sources of mistrust. In a period when digital traces are so easy to find, "searching for evidence" behaviour also becomes very easy.

Social mistrust: News of fraud, economic uncertainty and the losses experienced after major disasters can also affect people's general trust in the world. A mind that perceives the world as dangerous and unpredictable can carry this unease into its closest relationship without realising it.

Extended family: Decisions discussed with the partner's own family but not shared with the spouse, staying silent in the face of the family's interference in the relationship, and matters that were "meant to stay between us" being carried to the rest of the family are other situations that wear trust away.

How Can Trust Issues in a Relationship Be Overcome? Practical Steps

For the partner experiencing mistrust

1. Map your mistrust. Answer these questions on a piece of paper: "Has there been a concrete event in this relationship that shook my trust? If so, what was it?" and "Have I felt this mistrust in my earlier relationships or in my childhood too?" These two questions help you understand how much of your mistrust belongs to the present and how much to the past.

2. Observe behaviour instead of collecting evidence. Going through their phone, reading messages or tracking their location brings short-term relief but does not build trust. Instead, for a week, note your partner's trustworthy behaviours: arriving at the time they said, keeping their word, being there for you in a hard moment. When the mind is in mistrust it tends to ignore these behaviours; taking notes makes them visible.

3. Notice the reassurance cycle. "Do you love me? Really? There's nobody else, is there?" Constantly asking for reassurance, and the reassurance given losing its effect after a few hours, is a cycle that feeds mistrust. When the need for reassurance comes, pause for a few minutes and ask yourself: "Do I really need new information right now, or am I trying to soothe my anxiety?"

4. Share your vulnerability step by step. Trusting is a risk, and this risk can be taken in small steps. First share a less sensitive feeling or need and observe how your partner responds. As positive experiences accumulate, move on to deeper topics. You can think of it as a ladder.

For the partner who shook the trust

5. Take full responsibility. The first step of repair is to acknowledge what was done without minimising it or diluting it with explanations. Sentences that begin "I did it, but you also..." delay repair. An effective apology has four parts: saying clearly what you did, acknowledging the effect it had on the other person, expressing your remorse and stating concretely what you will do differently from now on.

6. Offer transparency voluntarily. For a partner whose trust has been shaken, more transparency may be needed for a certain period: letting them know where you are, answering questions patiently, temporarily narrowing your private spaces. What matters here is that this is done not under compulsion but voluntarily and by shared agreement.

7. Be patient. The person who shook the trust often thinks, "I've apologised, it should be over by now." But rebuilding trust takes a time in proportion to the damage the breach caused. The same questions being asked again and bad days following good days are a natural part of this process. Seeing these questions not as an attack but as a sign that your partner is still trying to heal can help you keep your patience.

An exercise you can do together: the weekly trust check-in

Set up a half-hour conversation once a week. In this conversation, take turns answering three questions: "What was the moment this week when you felt safest with me?", "Was there a moment this week when you felt mistrust?" and "What would you like from me next week to strengthen trust?" During the conversation, try listening without becoming defensive. This ritual lets feelings of mistrust be talked about regularly and in a controlled way rather than being stored up. Also, knowing that mistrust will be discussed at a set time rather than at any moment reduces sudden questioning during the day. Over time, the answers to the first question, the moments when you felt safe, may begin to make a longer list than the answers to the second.

When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Support from a professional is useful in the following situations:

• If you decided to continue the relationship after infidelity, a major lie or a betrayal but cannot move forward
• If mistrust is leading to a constant cycle of conflict, questioning and control in the relationship
• If you cannot trust even though your partner has committed no breach, and your relationships keep ending for this reason
• If you completely avoid getting close because of mistrust
• If jealousy and controlling behaviours have become uncontrollable

My article on jealousy in relationships can also guide you on this. If there are threats, violence or intimidation in the relationship, your safety comes first; in an emergency call 112 (emergency services).

How Are Trust Issues Handled in Therapy?

Work on trust can be carried out in individual therapy or in the process of couples therapy. Which route is more suitable depends on the source of the mistrust.

In couples therapy, the following steps are generally followed:

• Talking about the breach and its impact in a safe setting
• Supporting the process of taking responsibility and making an effective apology
• Making shared agreements on transparency and boundaries
• Strengthening the couple's skill of turning towards each other, that is, responding with interest in small moments
• Also addressing problems that existed in the relationship before the breach

In individual therapy, the focus is on the mistrust the person carries from the past:

• Schema-focused work: Understanding the origins of schemas such as mistrust/abuse and abandonment, and noticing how these schemas are triggered in present relationships.
• Cognitive behavioural therapy: Testing thinking patterns such as mind reading, catastrophising and overgeneralisation; reducing control and reassurance-seeking behaviours step by step.
• Emotion regulation: Developing the ability to cope with the anxiety that rises when mistrust is triggered.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can trust be regained after infidelity?

It is possible, but it takes time and effort from both sides. The person who was unfaithful needs to take full responsibility, be transparent and show consistency in their behaviour; the person who was betrayed needs to become open to taking risks again over time. Professional support can make repair easier in this process.

How do you stay in a relationship with someone who has trust issues?

It is important to try to understand your partner's mistrust and to behave consistently and predictably. However, constantly providing proof or giving up all your freedom feeds the cycle. Being both compassionate and clear about your boundaries is a healthy balance.

Do trust issues come from childhood?

Not always. Some mistrust is an understandable reaction to a concrete breach in the relationship. But being unable to trust even though the partner has committed no breach is often linked to experiences in childhood or in earlier relationships.

How long does it take to rebuild trust?

There is no set time. It depends on the size of the breach, the state of the relationship beforehand and both sides' participation in the process. What matters is not how short the time is but consistency; small but regular steps weave trust back together over time.

• #trust
• #relationship
• #infidelity
• #couple relationship

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Eda Erkan Alapala

Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.

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