What is empathy, how does it differ from sympathy and why does empathy fatigue happen? Read about the types of empathy and daily exercises to develop it.
"You don't understand me" is perhaps one of the most frequently heard complaints in relationships. Partners, parents and children, colleagues, even different sections of society direct this reproach at one another. Behind this sentence there is usually a single need: to be seen and understood. Empathy is the ability to understand another person's feelings and point of view and to put ourselves in their place. Although it is often thought of as an inborn trait, studies in psychology show that this ability can largely be learned and developed. In this article we look step by step at what empathy is, what types it has, why we sometimes become exhausted and what you can do to develop this skill in everyday life.
What Is Empathy?
In its simplest definition, empathy is trying to understand another person's inner world, that is, their feelings, thoughts and experiences, from their point of view. In doing so, we temporarily set our own viewpoint aside and turn less to the question "How would I feel in their place?" and more to "What are they feeling in their own circumstances?"
This distinction is important. Many people, while thinking they understand the person in front of them, are actually projecting their own experience onto them. For example, when a friend says they are afraid of changing jobs, if you are someone who likes change you might say, "I think it's a wonderful opportunity, there's nothing to be afraid of." Although this response is well-meant, it reflects your experience, not your friend's.
The difference from sympathy
This concept is often confused with sympathy. Sympathy is feeling sorrow or pity at the difficulty another person is going through: "Oh, how awful, I'm so sorry." Sympathy looks at the person from the outside. Empathy, on the other hand, is going to the person's side and being able to stand with them inside that feeling: "This must really have worn you out; would you like to tell me about it?" This attitude helps the person in front of you not to feel alone.
What Are the Types of Empathy?
In psychology this concept is generally treated not as a single skill but as a process made up of several related components.
The cognitive dimension
The cognitive dimension is being able to understand mentally what someone else is thinking and feeling. It is also known as "perspective taking". A teacher understanding why their student is struggling, or a mediator being able to see the concerns of both sides, are examples of this dimension. However, this understanding on its own may not include emotional closeness; a person can understand what another feels and not care, and may even use it for their own benefit.
The emotional dimension
The emotional dimension is feeling, to some extent, another person's emotion inside ourselves too. Our throat tightening when a friend cries, or our hearts warming when someone we love is happy, are examples. This sharing builds a strong bond between people; but if the boundaries are not managed well, it can wear the person out.
The compassion dimension
Compassionate empathy goes beyond understanding and feeling the other person's emotion and involves wanting to help them. This dimension includes both understanding and action. It makes it possible to support someone from a calm place, without being swept away by the emotion. Many specialists stress that this is the most functional dimension in relationships and in the helping professions.
Why Is Understanding Others Important?
Being able to understand others is one of the cornerstones of healthy relationships. When we feel understood, our need to become defensive decreases and we can speak more openly. Between couples, understanding responses are known to prevent arguments from escalating and to increase relationship satisfaction. Between parent and child, this understanding helps the child learn to recognise and regulate their feelings.
This skill is important not only for individual relationships but for social life too. People of different views and different backgrounds being able to live together depends on their trying to understand one another's experiences. In recent years it has often been said that social polarisation in Turkey has increased over issues such as political debates, migration and economic hardship. Arguments that escalate rapidly on social media can make it hard to see the other side as a human being. In such an environment, empathy becomes even more valuable as the will to try to understand the person in front of you even when you think differently.
Empathy is not agreeing with the person in front of you; it is being willing to understand why they feel the way they do.
Compassion Fatigue: Why Do We Sometimes Run Out?
Being sensitive is not always easy. Sometimes we are so open to other people's pain that we ourselves become exhausted. In the field this is called empathy fatigue or compassion fatigue. Health workers, teachers, social workers, relatives of patients and people who constantly listen to others' problems experience this fatigue more often.
Some studies in neuroscience suggest that intensely feeling another person's pain as our own (empathic distress) can increase the stress response, whereas a compassion-focused attitude, that is, noticing the pain and approaching it with warmth, can be more sustainable.
This fatigue is not only a professional problem either. After the 6 February 2023 earthquakes, many people were faced for weeks with images of rubble and painful news. Today too we live in a world where news of war, disaster and economic crisis flows constantly. This intense exposure can, after a while, lead to emotional numbness, a state of "I don't feel anything any more", or to avoiding the news altogether. This is not insensitivity but the mind trying to protect itself. In such periods, instead of blaming yourself, limiting your news consumption, resting and spending time with people who do you good can help your emotional capacity refill.
Signs of this fatigue
- Feeling intense weariness or anger while listening to others' problems
- Emotional numbness, being unable to feel anything
- Sleep problems, constant tiredness
- Avoiding social relationships and the news
- Indifference to things you used to care about
Can Empathy Be Developed? Exercises You Can Apply in Daily Life
Empathy is a skill that grows stronger the more it is exercised, like a muscle. You can gradually add the exercises below to your daily life.
1. Try reflective listening
When someone tells you something, instead of offering a solution at once or telling your own experience, reflect back what you have heard in your own words: "As I understand it, your manager criticising you in front of everyone in the meeting really hurt you." Then wait for the person in front of you to confirm or correct. This simple method makes the person feel heard and reduces misunderstandings.
2. Name the feeling
Try to guess the emotion behind the other person's words and express it gently: "It sounds like this disappointed you." Naming a feeling both helps the person in front of you notice their own emotion and widens your emotional vocabulary. Trying to use more detailed words (hurt, worried, relieved, proud) instead of "good" or "bad" when reviewing your own day also strengthens this skill.
3. Ask a curious question
Choose to be curious instead of judging. When someone's behaviour surprises or angers you, instead of saying "What a strange person," ask, "What might have led them to this?" If possible, you can ask the person in front of you directly too: "Why is this subject so important to you?"
4. A perspective-switching exercise
Think of a disagreement you have had recently. On a piece of paper, write the event first from your own point of view and then from the other side's point of view, in the first person: "As ..., I was very tired that day and..." This exercise helps you understand the other person's behaviour within their circumstances. Whether or not you were in the right, it lets you see a bigger part of the picture.
5. Open windows onto different lives
Reading novels, watching documentaries or listening to what people living very different lives tell you feeds this ability. There is research suggesting that reading literature may be linked to the ability to understand other people's mental states. Chatting with someone who grew up in a different city, a different generation or different living conditions serves the same function.
6. Practise compassion
Set aside a few minutes each day to think of a person you love, a person you don't know and even a person you find difficult, and to wish them well: "May they be at peace, may they be safe, may their pain ease." Compassion practices of this kind are thought to reduce the feeling of drowning in another's pain and to support a more sustainable sense of compassion.
7. Show understanding to yourself too
To understand others, you also need to recognise and accept your own feelings. At the end of a hard day, saying to yourself "I really struggled today, and it's understandable that I feel this" is a form of self-compassion. People who constantly ignore their own needs may, over time, become impatient with others as well.
8. Protect your boundaries
Showing understanding does not mean accepting everything or carrying other people's burdens. Understanding someone and allowing their behaviour are different things. Being able to say "I understand why you feel this way, but I can't accept you shouting at me" is both an understanding and a healthy boundary. Taking a break from the news feed when you feel exhausted, or asking for a better time to listen, are also ways of protecting your boundaries.
How can this skill be supported in children?
The foundations of this skill are laid at a very early age. Babies begin to respond to the emotions around them; as children grow, they learn to understand that others may think and feel differently. Parents' role in this process is great. When a child's feelings are taken seriously, they learn to take other people's feelings seriously. In contrast, reactions like "There's nothing to cry about" and "Don't make a big deal of it", even if well-meant, can give the child the message that their feelings are unimportant and make it harder for them to recognise both their own feelings and those of others.
- Name the child's feelings: "You're very sad because your toy broke."
- Draw attention to other people's feelings: "Look at your friend's face; how do you think they feel?"
- Be a model: Children learn to understand others by watching how their parents treat them and other people.
- Use play: Role play, puppets and stories help children experience different points of view.
If you have questions about children's emotional development, you can find information on our child and play therapy page.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
The ability to understand others varies from person to person, and not every difference means a problem. However, it can be useful to talk to a specialist in these situations:
- If you often get the feedback "You don't understand me" in your relationships and can't see why,
- If you feel other people's emotions so intensely that you struggle to carry on with your own life,
- If you are experiencing compassion fatigue because of your job or a relative you care for and feel exhausted,
- If you think you are being harmed by a close person's constantly insensitive, belittling behaviour.
Although in popular culture not being able to understand others is often labelled "narcissistic", it is worth remembering that a diagnosis of personality disorder can only be made through a comprehensive assessment by a specialist. We covered this subject in detail in our article on signs of narcissism.
How Is This Skill Addressed in Therapy?
In therapy, this skill is both a subject of work and the therapeutic relationship itself. The therapist's understanding attitude helps the client feel safe and explore their own feelings. Many clients say that therapy is where they had one of their first experiences of truly feeling understood.
Within Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), automatic interpretations of other people's behaviour ("They're doing this to spite me") are examined; work is done on generating alternative explanations and taking another's perspective. Concrete exercises are carried out in areas such as communication skills, reflective listening and expressing emotions. In the schema therapy approach, the aim is to understand why people whose own emotional needs went unseen in childhood may find it hard to approach other people's feelings.
In work with couples, mutual understanding plays a central role in repairing the relationship. In couples therapy, partners being able to hear one another's point of view prevents arguments from escalating and increases closeness. For practical suggestions on this subject, you can also take a look at our article on healthy communication.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is empathy inborn or learned?
Both have an effect. Inborn traits such as temperament can influence this ability to some extent; but the family environment, life experiences and conscious practice play a large part in its development. This skill can also be developed in adulthood.
Can feeling other people's emotions very intensely be harmful?
Feeling other people's emotions intensely and being unable to protect your own boundaries can lead to burnout. The aim here is not to reduce sensitivity but to balance it with compassion and healthy boundaries.
Does understanding someone mean agreeing with them?
No. The aim here is to try to understand the other person's feelings and point of view; this does not mean agreeing with them or approving of their behaviour. You can empathise even while thinking differently.
Does difficulty understanding others always point to a personality problem?
No. Conditions such as tiredness, stress, anxiety or low mood can also temporarily reduce the capacity to understand others. When this difficulty is lasting and widespread, assessing it requires a consultation with a specialist.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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