Does deciding whose family to visit for Bayram turn into a fight every year? Read the feelings beneath it, fair ways to decide and how to tell your families.
There are still three weeks to go until Bayram (the Eid holidays), but tension at home has already begun. Your mother-in-law asked on the phone, "You'll come for the eve, won't you?", while your own mother has not stopped saying "This time you're with us" since the last holiday. Coach tickets are expensive, the two cities are seven hours apart, the children are small. And every year the same question, the same irritation: whose family to visit for Bayram? From the outside this question looks like a simple matter of planning. But for a significant number of married couples, the weeks before Bayram turn into a silent test of loyalty, fairness and belonging. In this article we look at why this argument flares up again every holiday, which feelings lie beneath it, and how you can make decisions that take care of both families and of your relationship.
Whose Family to Visit for Bayram: Why the Same Argument Every Holiday?
Many couples describe the Bayram argument being repeated twice a year in almost the same sentences. "We were at yours last time", "But my mother is alone", "Your family sees us every week anyway", "My father will be hurt if we don't come on the first day"... The reason for this repetition is that the problem has never actually been solved. Every Bayram is built on top of the hurt left over from the previous one.
Bayram is different from other family visits. An ordinary weekend visit can be postponed or split; but moments such as the first morning of Bayram, kissing the elders' hands, the family table and the sacrifice at Kurban Bayramı (the Feast of the Sacrifice) cannot be repeated. That is why the question "Where will we be on the first day of Bayram?" symbolically becomes the question "Which family comes first in this marriage?"
What is more, this decision concerns not only the two spouses but four parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, even neighbours. The families' expectations, other people's comments and the weight of tradition make it harder for a couple to decide comfortably between themselves.
What Lies Beneath This Argument?
On the surface of the Bayram visit argument are the calendar and the travel plan. But deep down, the following feelings usually lie:
A loyalty test. For some people, agreeing to go to their spouse's family feels like a "betrayal" of their own family. Someone who has a very close bond with their mother, or who is the only child in their family, may feel intense guilt about not being there for Bayram.
A sense of fairness. The thought "It's always what they want" feeds a sense of injustice that builds up over the years. Bayram is the moment when this feeling becomes most visible.
The roles of bride and son-in-law. In the traditional view, the bride is expected to spend Bayram "on the husband's side". This expectation can create a feeling in the woman of being cut off from her own family, and hurt in a mother who cannot see her daughter at Bayram. A son-in-law feeling like a stranger in his father-in-law's house is also a situation that is rarely talked about but often experienced.
Parents' loneliness. For a widowed mother, an ageing father or a family whose children live in distant cities, Bayram is the time when loneliness is felt most deeply. While one spouse struggles to carry this loneliness, the other may object to it being the sole deciding factor.
Not getting to be your own family. Especially in the early years of marriage, couples may feel that because they always spend the holidays in someone else's home, they cannot create the traditions of their own small family.
The first Bayram of a marriage is when these feelings are experienced most intensely. For a newly married couple, the question of whose family to visit for Bayram is in fact the first moment at which both families' worry, "They're married, but are they still our child?", is put to the test. Because the decision made at this first Bayram can set a pattern for the years that follow, both the families and the couple may load it with more meaning than it really carries. The first Bayram does not have to go perfectly; what matters is that you can show the families together that the decision is a joint one.
None of these feelings is wrong. But when they are not put into words, the argument turns into a contest with no winner, such as "Whose mother is more important?"
Tradition, Expectation and Guilt: The Unwritten Rules of Bayram Visits
In Turkey, the religious holidays are important rituals in which family bonds are reaffirmed. Visiting the elders, kissing their hands, performing the sacrifice together and calling on relatives in turn express both love and respect. However, these lovely traditions also bring with them rules that are unwritten and often unquestioned.
Beliefs such as "On the first day you're at the elders' house", "The bride spends Bayram at her husband's home", "The sacrifice is performed at the father's house" and "A child who doesn't come for Bayram is ungrateful" narrow a couple's options. Not following these rules can lead to gossip, sulking or open reproach within the family.
Guilt is the most powerful tool of these unwritten rules. A mother's long silence on the phone, a father saying "You know best", a mother-in-law's sentence "Well, we'll just spend Bayram alone then" can influence your decision without explicitly demanding anything. Noticing this guilt is different from making decisions with it. You can also read our article on holiday stress for general family tensions during the holiday period.
Imagine a couple in the second year of their marriage who decide to spend Ramazan Bayramı (Eid al-Fitr) in Sivas, where one spouse's family lives, and Kurban Bayramı in İzmir, where the other spouse's family lives. But as Kurban Bayramı approaches, a call comes from Sivas: "How can you not perform the sacrifice with your father?" The spouse doesn't know what to say, the decision is back on the table, and the other spouse is hurt: "Our agreement falls apart every time." The real problem here is not the calendar but the fact that the agreement could not be upheld together in front of the families.
Whose Family to Visit for Bayram: Ways to Decide
There is no single right answer that suits everyone. Factors such as the cities the families live in, their health, economic conditions and the children's ages shape your decision. The options below can help you find the one that fits your situation:
- A rotating arrangement: One Bayram with one family, the next Bayram with the other. The biggest advantage of this method is that it removes the need to argue again every year.
- Splitting the holiday: If the families are in the same city or nearby cities, spending the first two days on one side and the last days on the other.
- Morning in one place, evening in another: For families living in the same city, breakfast on one side on Bayram morning and a visit to the other side in the afternoon.
- Bringing the families together: Where both families are willing, hosting both sides in your own home on one day of the holiday.
- Creating your own Bayram: Spending some holidays only with your own nuclear family, or visiting the families a few days before or after Bayram.
- Priority by need: If one of the families is dealing with illness, a recent loss or a parent left alone, giving that side priority for that period and balancing it at the next Bayram.
If one spouse's parents are divorced, the equation becomes even more complicated; the number of homes to visit rises from two to three, even four. In this case, rather than trying to see everyone at every Bayram, making a broader plan that also takes visits during the rest of the year into account can prevent both the couple and the children from burning out.
Whichever method you choose, it is important that the decision is made weeks before Bayram, at a calm time, with both spouses having a say. Decisions made on the eve of Bayram, while the families are applying pressure by phone, usually end with one person hurt.
What makes Bayram fair is not both families getting the same number of hours; it is both spouses being able to see themselves in the decision.
How Do You Tell the Families About the Decision?
Making the decision is half the job; the other half is passing it on to the families and being able to stand behind it.
Let each spouse talk to their own family. This is the most important rule. If you tell your spouse's family about the decision, and your spouse tells yours, the bride or son-in-law ends up being declared "the guilty one". When you tell your own family yourself, saying "This is what we've decided", it is understood more clearly that the decision is a joint one.
Let them know early. Share the decision weeks before Bayram so that the families can make plans and digest their disappointment.
Be brief and warm. Long justifications open the door to argument. A clear but loving sentence such as "We're in İzmir this Bayram and with you for Kurban. We'll miss you very much, and we'll video-call you on Bayram morning" is enough.
Make room for hurt, but don't take the decision back. Your mother being upset does not mean your decision is wrong. Saying "I understand you're upset, Mum, I'll miss you too" both acknowledges the feeling and protects the boundary.
Stand up for your spouse. If your family blames your spouse for the decision, stand by your spouse by saying "This is a decision we made together." This stance helps your spouse feel safe in front of your family. We cover the finer points of setting boundaries with family in detail in our article on boundaries with the extended family.
Children, Journeys and the Budget: Practical Realities
Planning Bayram is not only an emotional matter but a practical one too. Bringing these realities into the conversation moves the argument onto more concrete ground.
Travel and cost: During the holidays, coach and plane ticket prices rise noticeably and the roads get crowded. A holiday split between two distant cities can tire both the budget and the body. Sometimes one long visit a year can be healthier than two short, exhausting journeys.
Young children: For babies and young children, long journeys, disrupted sleep routines and crowded settings are demanding. Taking the child's needs into account may take priority over the families' expectations.
Building your own traditions: As children grow, it is important for them to collect Bayram memories in your own home too. A breakfast prepared together on Bayram morning, the children going round the neighbours collecting sweets, or a small family ritual at home can become a memory as precious to them as a visit to their grandmother.
A spouse's tiredness: Hosting guests throughout Bayram, spending hours in the kitchen or making constant visits can mean a heavy workload for one of the spouses. This unseen work also needs to be taken into account in the decision.
When Should You Seek Professional Support?
Planning Bayram can create tension from time to time for every couple. However, in the following situations support from a professional may be helpful:
- If Bayram arguments get harsher every year and lead to sulking that lasts for days
- If one of the spouses cannot set any boundary at all against their family's wishes
- If the families' interference constantly undermines the couple's joint decisions
- If intense anxiety, sleeplessness or stomach complaints arise as Bayram approaches
- If the Bayram issue has become part of a deeper "family or spouse" conflict in the relationship
How Are Bayram and Family Boundaries Addressed in Therapy?
In couples therapy, the Bayram argument often serves as a window for understanding the couple's relationship with their extended families. The therapist tries to understand each spouse's bond with their own family, the place of this bond within the marriage, and whether they can act together in front of the families.
In the cognitive behavioural approach, thoughts such as "If I don't go, my mother will be devastated", "My family will never forgive me" or "My spouse is choosing their family over me" are examined. How realistic these thoughts are and how they affect decisions are assessed together. Difficult conversations with the families can be rehearsed in sessions.
The schema therapy perspective can help in understanding why people who struggle to separate from their families, or who carry a pattern of self-sacrifice or subjugation, cannot say "no" to their families' wishes. Recognising these patterns lays the ground for spouses to remain lovingly connected to their families while also protecting their own marriage.
Frequently Asked Questions
My spouse's family insists every Bayram that "You'll be with us on the first day". What should I do?
Behind this insistence there is usually a tradition or a fear of loss. However, it is important that the decision is made as a couple and that your spouse passes it on to their own family. If you object directly, you may become "the guilty one" in the family's eyes; so first reach a clear agreement with your spouse between yourselves.
We want to spend one Bayram on holiday; will the families find it rude?
Spending a Bayram with your own nuclear family does not mean a lack of love for your families. Letting them know gently and in advance, and planning a visit before or after Bayram, can reduce the hurt. There may be some reproach at first; over time the families also get used to the new arrangement.
My mother lives alone, while my spouse wants to go to their own family for Bayram; how can we decide?
The loneliness of a parent who lives alone at Bayram is a real need, and it is important to talk about it openly with your spouse. You can consider options together such as inviting your mother to your own home or to the visit to your spouse's family, spending one day of the holiday with her, or setting up a rotating arrangement. What matters is that one side's needs do not constantly overshadow the other's.
Our families live in different cities and we're on the road every Bayram; should it go on like this?
Spending every Bayram on the road between two cities can, over time, wear down both the body and the relationship. Options such as a rotating arrangement, the families coming to you, or planning long visits during holidays other than Bayram can lighten this load. Reviewing your arrangement every few years makes it easier to adapt to changing circumstances.
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Eda Erkan Alapala
Klinik Psikolog. İstanbul Kent Üniversitesi Klinik Psikoloji Tezli Yüksek Lisans mezunu; bilişsel davranışçı terapi, çocuk merkezli oyun terapisi ve çocuk-ergen psikoterapisi alanlarında eğitimlerini tamamlamıştır.
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